10-05-2018, 03:51 PM
Shannon,
I read your banter with Sarge on my phone during lunch, and I didn't think much about it. However, upon coming home, something happened that looked exactly like your statements of "having as much sex as you allow" AND "as much as you want".
I drove home from work on my scooter, got off and took off my helmet, and was too tired to take off my jacket, so I just walked to the mailbox. I noticed an attractive woman in her 30's or 40's walking my way with a beautiful white lab, just out for a stroll. I looked through my mail, actively avoiding interaction. I didn't even look at the woman, acknowledge her, or anything. In fact, I knew was actively avoiding her when I took a moment to watch her dog, a friendly fellow. A fear rose in me and I avoided all eye contact with the woman.
And I thought of your quote: "as much as you allow". My fears rose up and said "protect yourself!" I'll note I've had E2 running in my pocket all day, and being home meant I could drop my defenses for a while, for fear and some old pain surfaced today, or I'd not have had that reaction at my mailbox. I equated conversing with the woman to putting on a "face" she might like, a lie. I didn't want her to see the me inside which has felt a slight pain and anger throughout the day.
I'm posting this since I'm wishing to put flesh to your stance with Sarge, as I do this. I've not had sex since.....I've been afraid of having a woman really know me. Even when I'm not feeling triggered, "fleeting" may describe the way I relate with women. I'll attempt to make them smile, but pains of past failures, or fears of that pain, cloud my awareness quickly. My reaction is to make distance quickly.
DMSI and E2 both heal sexual trauma, and both focus on healing our understandings of ourselves, hitting some deep sexual roots and beliefs. I know I've had E2 hit that root clearly one time this run, and I remember being in bed, realizing I didn't need to fap to relieve stress. That was a peaceful evening.
In short, I'm seeking to feel ok in my own skin, and not needing another person to do that. If I'm ok with myself, feeling ok with anyone else is much easier. I've daydreamed of this while I've been writing. Also, not having fear steer me full-time will allow me a lot of growth.
Just my wonderings for today.
I read your banter with Sarge on my phone during lunch, and I didn't think much about it. However, upon coming home, something happened that looked exactly like your statements of "having as much sex as you allow" AND "as much as you want".
I drove home from work on my scooter, got off and took off my helmet, and was too tired to take off my jacket, so I just walked to the mailbox. I noticed an attractive woman in her 30's or 40's walking my way with a beautiful white lab, just out for a stroll. I looked through my mail, actively avoiding interaction. I didn't even look at the woman, acknowledge her, or anything. In fact, I knew was actively avoiding her when I took a moment to watch her dog, a friendly fellow. A fear rose in me and I avoided all eye contact with the woman.
And I thought of your quote: "as much as you allow". My fears rose up and said "protect yourself!" I'll note I've had E2 running in my pocket all day, and being home meant I could drop my defenses for a while, for fear and some old pain surfaced today, or I'd not have had that reaction at my mailbox. I equated conversing with the woman to putting on a "face" she might like, a lie. I didn't want her to see the me inside which has felt a slight pain and anger throughout the day.
I'm posting this since I'm wishing to put flesh to your stance with Sarge, as I do this. I've not had sex since.....I've been afraid of having a woman really know me. Even when I'm not feeling triggered, "fleeting" may describe the way I relate with women. I'll attempt to make them smile, but pains of past failures, or fears of that pain, cloud my awareness quickly. My reaction is to make distance quickly.
DMSI and E2 both heal sexual trauma, and both focus on healing our understandings of ourselves, hitting some deep sexual roots and beliefs. I know I've had E2 hit that root clearly one time this run, and I remember being in bed, realizing I didn't need to fap to relieve stress. That was a peaceful evening.
In short, I'm seeking to feel ok in my own skin, and not needing another person to do that. If I'm ok with myself, feeling ok with anyone else is much easier. I've daydreamed of this while I've been writing. Also, not having fear steer me full-time will allow me a lot of growth.
Just my wonderings for today.
USLM is VERY GOOD so far!