(08-31-2021, 11:36 AM)Johannesbrst Wrote: [ -> ]Shannon, I have a question regarding jealousy and what kind of goal is achievable in this regard in not becoming affected by it.
Let say you have a girlfriend, you go out partying and you see some other guy being attracted to your girl, and making moves on her, and she also playing along with it.
A "normal" guy would probably mark his boundary against the guy and tell him to back off or get upset with his girl. But I'm wondering if there is a way to rise above this completely? Let say you were so comfortable in yourself that you saw this as a good opportunity for your girl to have a good experience and tell her to invite the guy over to your place and let the situation play out.
Is this something that could be possible to achieve with say OF and AM? It's an ambitious, but also kind of a self-less goal to be so self-sufficient that you could allow your partner to enjoy their sexuality freely even if you are in a relationship.
It is achievable with OF, AM and a few others. Mostly what you need to work on would be covered by OF and AM, though, yes.
The key here is to consider the following.
Not every person has the same personality, and not every personality has the same point of view regarding flirting. Personality A might consider it cheating, while personality B might consider it just meaningless fun. Different personality types even have different definitions of what constitutes flirting in the first place.
I know a woman who flirts so much and so hard that she goes very close to the point of actual sexual penetration and considers it all "just flirting, just fun, that's just how I am, and if you can't handle it, next." She does it for the attention and the feeling of power it gives her over men, not because she's interested or wants to have sex.
I know a married couple who are so relaxed when it comes to this stuff that any time either of them flirts, they leave the door wide open for having full blown sex with whomever they're flirting with, and if that person is agreeable, they will bring him or her home and have a 3 way. In their case, they see it as an easy way to spice up their sex live. There is no "cheating" because the rules they have agreed to with each other allow for both of them to do as they please, only excepting having kids with someone else. I saw the husband walk in on his wife having doggy style sex with a guy she brought home to screw, and he was like, "Save some for me," and then took a shower and joined them.
I know another woman who is black and white binary. "Anything more than platonic conversation is flirting, and all flirting is just as much unforgivable cheating as if you impregnated and had a baby with that bitch."
If you mix two incompatible points of view on flirting, then you will have problems. But some personality types see it as purely a social game, entertainment, and don't understand why anyone would think it was anything else.
I have dated some incredibly hot women in my day and had to deal with other guys rolling up on my girl in clearly disrespectful and beyond friendly ways, sometimes right in front of me. My way of dealing with it is like this: I just observe how she handles it.
If she flirts back, and I think she is within the bounds of "it's just a fun social game", I'll talk to her in private after that and try to let her know it's important that we are on the same page when it comes to that. And if she does just think it's social fun, then I start doing it too, with other women. The truth comes out REAL fast when you do that. If she was lying about it being just social fun, she will get jealous, insecure and clingy when you do it too. In that case, I point that out, and end the relationship. Otherwise, I just have fun, and whatever. I almost never have to deal with this because I very clearly go over what each of us expects and what relationship rules we are agreeing to abide by in the beginning of the relationship. Not doing that and making sure you're on the same page leads to mismatched expectations and doom.
If, on the other hand, she goes too far with him, I simply end the relationship and walk. Obviously she wasn't happy with me and doesn't respect me, and I don't have time for that.
If you really are secure in yourself and your personal value, you don't need to worry about flirting because either you next them, or you put a stop to anything untoward before it happens by making sure that they know what is and is not acceptable to you before it happens. You won't ever get to the point of heartbreak doing that because your relationship will never get fr enough for it to happen after you fall in love, unless you are deeply needy and "fall in love" at the drop of a hat looking for emotional security.
OF helps deal with the fear and insecurity, and AM focuses you on understanding and protecting your genuine worth as a man.
