Day 7
For the first part of the day I felt great. Motivated and self-assured, everything was fine and I might even call it mild euphoria. Later on however my male friend came in and I started to feel serious anxieties. If there are two things that make me anxious right now, those are:
1) Alcohol, as it seems to wake up in me deeper emotions I try to heal and get rid of. Anger, disdain, things like that. I guess it's understandable as alcohol does that to most people but it does so now more than before. If you want a proof in the past I would drink a couple of beers just to fall asleep better and escape my issues, nowadays I'm much more at peace without it.
2) Toxic people, that friend and my ex especially. Well, that friend is not really that toxic, but I have some serious issues with him that I know he won't understand and accept and so I tend to keep my mouth shut about it. That sadly means I grow anxious around him. In the end I think it comes from scarcity mindset - I'm introvert and it's hard for me to make new good friends and so I don't wanna lose him.
Take those two elements and I tend to feel better with each day. My cold continues, I didn't get sicker but neither am I healthy, which is really bad. I'd rather suffer 2-3 days and get over it rather than be in this state of semi-health for however long it will take.
Day 8
I came to my parents' house for a weekend today and to my trusted scale. I lost hardly any weight which surprised me, not because I didn't loose that much but because it means improvement in my self-image came from within, not from my changing looks. And no, I doubt I gained much muscle these past 2 weeks.
I have this strange feeling, I honestly cannot name it. The best name to call it is intuition, I feel like something is up and only in time I will understand what's going on. Perhaps it's part of the healing, I don't know, it's not unpleasant feeling, just extremely awkward and strange. The best thing I can compare it to is Deja Vu.
Day 9
I have a slight dip in my mood and I think I know the reason - I'm thinking too much right now. When I'm at my parents I have way too much time on my hands and it means I get to waste it on some stupid crap (which makes me feel guilty) as well as to analyze everything, get big picture and plan. By itself it's not a bad thing but when you start to analyze what the sub is doing... Well, I shouldn't. Reading about others' successes in their journals doesn't help either, I guess it should motivate me but instead I feel like there is something wrong with me. Once I get back to the city this will pass but for today and tomorrow I have to live with it. There is something in these walls I've been raised in that keeps me in bondage.
From those analysis of mine one thing is clear for me - I have serious fear of being attractive and successful with women. I have my dreams, goals and mission which are women independent but when it comes to add them into the equation I don't know where to put them. By being unattractive loser I don't need to worry about women but I know this cannot last. I need to change that and sub is helping me with that but it won't magically integrate women into my life. It's just so much easier to pretend there is no issue and live like before however. Funny thing is my ex didn't help me anything with this these past months - one would think having a girlfriend would at least ease those fears but it didn't. It was shitty relationship, sure, but experience nonetheless and I should feel more confident around women now. I don't. I'm still scared.
Day 10
Strong anxiety today, getting loads of resistance. I'm currently trying to figure out the source but I'm not really sure if I should do that or just go with how things are and let sub do the healing.
(12-10-2016, 07:14 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 9
I have a slight dip in my mood and I think I know the reason - I'm thinking too much right now. When I'm at my parents I have way too much time on my hands and it means I get to waste it on some stupid crap (which makes me feel guilty) as well as to analyze everything, get big picture and plan. By itself it's not a bad thing but when you start to analyze what the sub is doing... Well, I shouldn't. Reading about others' successes in their journals doesn't help either, I guess it should motivate me but instead I feel like there is something wrong with me. Once I get back to the city this will pass but for today and tomorrow I have to live with it. There is something in these walls I've been raised in that keeps me in bondage.
From those analysis of mine one thing is clear for me - I have serious fear of being attractive and successful with women. I have my dreams, goals and mission which are women independent but when it comes to add them into the equation I don't know where to put them. By being unattractive loser I don't need to worry about women but I know this cannot last. I need to change that and sub is helping me with that but it won't magically integrate women into my life. It's just so much easier to pretend there is no issue and live like before however. Funny thing is my ex didn't help me anything with this these past months - one would think having a girlfriend would at least ease those fears but it didn't. It was shitty relationship, sure, but experience nonetheless and I should feel more confident around women now. I don't. I'm still scared.
This is another experience that prove that being successful with women come from inside not outside. Use that belief to your advantage, when all the guys are afraid to be left alone, fear to not have a girlfriend or when other guy try put other down because they don't have any women in their life. Getting laid 1000 times doesn't always make you a better lover for that reason.
A lot of guys after a relationship feel worse than when they started though it did give them some experiences. Sometimes the experience is so bad that it makes them move backward, I don't think it's your case though. There is always a brighter side even to the worst experiences but you have to see that brighter side to benefit from it, you should be able to do that.
(12-11-2016, 12:21 PM)Alpha360 Wrote: [ -> ] (12-10-2016, 07:14 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 9
I have a slight dip in my mood and I think I know the reason - I'm thinking too much right now. When I'm at my parents I have way too much time on my hands and it means I get to waste it on some stupid crap (which makes me feel guilty) as well as to analyze everything, get big picture and plan. By itself it's not a bad thing but when you start to analyze what the sub is doing... Well, I shouldn't. Reading about others' successes in their journals doesn't help either, I guess it should motivate me but instead I feel like there is something wrong with me. Once I get back to the city this will pass but for today and tomorrow I have to live with it. There is something in these walls I've been raised in that keeps me in bondage.
From those analysis of mine one thing is clear for me - I have serious fear of being attractive and successful with women. I have my dreams, goals and mission which are women independent but when it comes to add them into the equation I don't know where to put them. By being unattractive loser I don't need to worry about women but I know this cannot last. I need to change that and sub is helping me with that but it won't magically integrate women into my life. It's just so much easier to pretend there is no issue and live like before however. Funny thing is my ex didn't help me anything with this these past months - one would think having a girlfriend would at least ease those fears but it didn't. It was shitty relationship, sure, but experience nonetheless and I should feel more confident around women now. I don't. I'm still scared.
This is another experience that prove that being successful with women come from inside not outside. Use that belief to your advantage, when all the guys are afraid to be left alone, fear to not have a girlfriend or when other guy try put other down because they don't have any women in their life. Getting laid 1000 times doesn't always make you a better lover for that reason.
A lot of guys after a relationship feel worse than when they started though it did give them some experiences. Sometimes the experience is so bad that it makes them move backward, I don't think it's your case though. There is always a brighter side even to the worst experiences but you have to see that brighter side to benefit from it, you should be able to do that.
I agree. That's why I think I will only go backwards if I will learn nothing from that relationship. And I did learn a lot, not only about women or sex, but most importantly about myself. I wish thing would have gone differently, sure, I regret nothing though. Neither do I think this relationship scared me more than I already were, if anything new wounds replaced old one. That might seem pessimistic but that was experiences I badly needed and I didn't miss its lessons.
Day 11
I feel terrible today, so tired entire day, hardly productive at all. There is some anxiety but nothing major, I can feel myself being healed undercover. Still resistance is very high and I can only wait and hope DMSI will erode it with time. What would tremendously help me I think would be some external results but so far except for IOIs here and there there are no manifestations and I can only look at internal results which, while more important, are harder to see and appreciate.
Day 13
Not much to write, that why I didn't post an update yesterday and I'll probably post less in the future. I still have mild anxieties, I'm still tired and there are still no manifestations.
Day 14
I'm not sure how to describe it, but I'll try nonetheless. While DMSI is demanding on me and gives me anxieties most of the time there are these euphoric moments when I can feel the sub working. The greatest event like that happened at the end of my DMSI 2.5 run and minor one happened today. It surprises me why they come and go like that but I love one thing from these moments. And I don't mean high I get but rather the feeling of enormous hope, the realization that I CAN CHANGE and I will in time. I think my subconscious fear change a lot so ideas like that, even if rare, are thousand times better than sitting in constant "you won't get any better anyway" hopeless state of mind I indulge myself in when nothing seem to come my way.
Are you using a pirate version from a torrent site or did you buy the DMSI product ?
(12-09-2016, 03:10 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 8
I came to my parents' house for a weekend today and to my trusted scale. I lost hardly any weight which surprised me, not because I didn't loose that much but because it means improvement in my self-image came from within, not from my changing looks. And no, I doubt I gained much muscle these past 2 weeks.
I have this strange feeling, I honestly cannot name it. The best name to call it is intuition, I feel like something is up and only in time I will understand what's going on. Perhaps it's part of the healing, I don't know, it's not unpleasant feeling, just extremely awkward and strange. The best thing I can compare it to is Deja Vu.
Why Thor, are you pirating it?
(12-15-2016, 02:59 PM)thor2014 Wrote: [ -> ]Are you using a pirate version from a torrent site or did you buy the DMSI product ?
(12-09-2016, 03:10 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 8
I came to my parents' house for a weekend today and to my trusted scale. I lost hardly any weight which surprised me, not because I didn't loose that much but because it means improvement in my self-image came from within, not from my changing looks. And no, I doubt I gained much muscle these past 2 weeks.
I have this strange feeling, I honestly cannot name it. The best name to call it is intuition, I feel like something is up and only in time I will understand what's going on. Perhaps it's part of the healing, I don't know, it's not unpleasant feeling, just extremely awkward and strange. The best thing I can compare it to is Deja Vu.
Of course I'm using legit version.
Day 16
Heavy resistance and tiredness today, I slept for 10 hours today and had to take additional 3 hours nap. Productivity is nonexistant and I decided to move all my work to tomorrow simply because I knew I would do shitty job today. Also it's the first day in a long time (something like 2 months I think) that I needed to buy myself a beer just to be able to ease my inner dialog. I'm not sure what's going on, but if it's healing it's taking a really heavy toll on me today.
Day 17
Started listening to the ultrasonic track during the day rather than hybrid during the night and I seem to be more responsive to that. I'll try to keep that for the next couple of days and report if it will deal with my resistance better.
I've been reading others' journals and I notice lots of people report hunger. Well, I don't feel much hunger and neither do I seem to loose any weight past 2 weeks.
EDIT:
I've never really written about my ex simply because of privacy concerns, but I just found perfect description of this kind of woman by someone on Red Pill subreddit, you can read it
>>HERE<<.
Not much hunger, here, other than baseline for me. I'm also losing weight (purposely). I've cut calories intentionally, and am exercising like a fiend. I don't find DMSI causing fat to melt off any faster than any prior cut I've put myself through.