Subliminal Talk

I feel like sh*t lately. In the past days I finally realized what my dreams are and what to do to follow them, but I cannot do it just yet and I little to no idea what to do until then. In the past I would maybe try to pursue women but DMSI gives me very little result nowadays and it only makes me feel worse. It's not that I'm needy or something, it's more like I'm tired of banging the wall with my head. On the brighter side however it means that I have time and whatever I will set myself to do I can do it slowly and well.

Can't wait to see what the future holds.

Field report guys!

Went out for a celebration party yesterday. There was this girl, M, who I felt attracted to immediate and I felt like I've targeted her with my sniper. There were somewhere around 20 people but when it came to sexual attraction it was like she was the only one there. She was very protective however, didn't manage to escalate in the slightest and in conversation, while we would be talking just fine, she would hold it. She's extroverted and attends lots of parties so what I think happened was she's used to being flirted with and when she noticed I'm trying to open her she crossed me. She lives nearby and I have her Facebook so contact is possible, but I have no intention of keeping it, unless she initializes.

Most interesting thing happened today.

For the last week or maybe a little longer I felt quite down, I've had my usual anxieties but I was also thinking a lot about my issues, considering where I should go with my life, my relationships etc. It's really hard to explain but just so I was able to sort my thoughts as well as to relax myself last week I've walked almost 100km, meaning about 18 hours. It was that tough for me, I had to be walking 2,5h per day!

Today I went for classes, came back for an hour or two of nap, instead I've watched new Westworld episode and went back for classes. When outside beautiful song played on my phone (I have my playlist set on random), sun was shining and I felt strangely euphoric. I mean I felt light and free and genuinely happy. I don't know why, I didn't take anything lately. And that feeling is still strong in me, it happened like 4-5 hours ago and it fades but I still can't help but smile. Is it the clearing working?

Shannon recommended to stop running DMSI up until new version so I'll oblige. Will be posting any new developments, but until the release I won't be using any subs.

That euphoria was very likely the result of you finally deciding to cooperate and execute a section of script you have been resisting.

The euphoria fades no matter what after a period of time, as the body acclimates to the chemistry. Discovered that with MIR2 testing.

(11-21-2016, 01:56 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]That euphoria was very likely the result of you finally deciding to cooperate and execute a section of script you have been resisting.

The euphoria fades no matter what after a period of time, as the body acclimates to the chemistry. Discovered that with MIR2 testing.

That makes some sense. Before leaving house I had an urge to skip classes and stay home, mainly so that I could masturbate. I fought off that urge however. It's funny though that I got reworded by the sub for choosing classes over masturbation... Unless there is something more to it I cannot quite see yet. I should probably just let the sub do its work and don't dwell on it too much.

Against my good judgement I decided to listen to DMSI 2.4 one more night just to see if there would be any interesting effects on me. I was sleeping for 9 hours and although I woke up a couple of times it wasn't more common than usual. What's important is that while most of the night was ordinary first 2 hours were euphoric again. I had trouble falling asleep just because of the feeling and auras and when I finally fell asleep I had the most bizarre dream. After that, just as I said, night was pretty ordinary, didn't feel anything strange.

While taking a rest from DMSI up until new version is out I thought it's a good moment to think what I really want and why I want it. I got tempted by DMSI because at that time I had just finished AM second run and my ex was giving me some serious shit, so basically I wanted to get myself free from her by either f**king my way though life or minding now, hopefully better girlfriend. But lots has changed since then. One thing is clearing in DMSI is kicking my ass right now and makes me much more humble, makes me realize my faults and work on them. Secondly she seems to change as well, her behavior while still not perfect is much more reasonable and countless arguments with her made me realize we love each other way too much to simply let go. We can try but ultimately we will get back together and the problem is we are doing this with expectations and emotional baggage that is bound to screw things up shortly after reunion.

Yesterday I met with her and our mutual friend and it went just as bad as I'd expect. We argued, bad blood was spilled on both of us and while there is still a way back (we were in this situation so many times I can't count) it might be tricky. And so I wonder if in a week or so, when emotions cool down, maybe I should offer her a clean slate, trying things once again from scratch, with no baggage and no expectations. I think she'd agree but the question is if it's the best choice. I think it is, there is no running away from her anyway so I'd rather embrace her than being left in this state of unknown. I know most of you will say to get over her and stop wasting my time (trust me, everyone is telling me this) but if anything I think sub is trying to push me towards her.

I know this: We've tried for too long build our relationship on pride and finally I start to realize not only what was wrong but also how to solve it. If it fails it will be things as usual for me and I keep executing plan from September. I we succeed... Well, I have no idea what will happen but it's gonna be helluva interesting.

Perhaps it may be wise to listen to your friends who know you best, perhaps not. Certainly no one here knows your relationship like you do. Do what you think is best, it's your life. You get to live it how you like.

Are you going to continue with V3.0.1?

(11-23-2016, 02:50 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Perhaps it may be wise to listen to your friends who know you best, perhaps not. Certainly no one here knows your relationship like you do. Do what you think is best, it's your life. You get to live it how you like.

Are you going to continue with V3.0.1?

My thoughts exactly. I am the one making mistakes and paying for them, not my friends or my family. If I will bet back with her against my best judgement it will be my fault only. Remember that this thole monologue sprang from those two facts: 1) From her (directly or not) stem many issues I need to clear now and 2) Whatever I do I just cannot seem to be able to run away from her and it's not because of neediness. Funny thing is that I think DMSI finally gave me this morphine effect was because I was able to honestly admit it to myself that I did fuck up in that relationship and me and her should try things different. Pride is not a trait of alpha male, but neither is humility, you must find a balance. And I was way too prideful.

Yes, I will, whatever happens I will run it up until tests are over and final version is released, then we'll see. AM third run is most likely I think.

Pause in DMSI exposure is not giving me any favors. I became a ball of nerves. While DMSI was helping me to deal with them now without that help and still exposed to all my emotional problems I fell terrible. Yesterday I was talking with my mother about my future, how in half a year I will get my Masters degree and I'll have to probably go somewhere out into the unknown world and how I'm scared of it and I started crying. It was the first time I was crying during a conversation since a long time, I cannot even remember when exactly. Also any and all attempts to make something out of my relationship with my ex goes to the gutter and while I still hold my position that we should be trying I don't think there is much sense in it.

In moments like these I have no idea what to do, I want to just lay under the sheets and protects myself from all this crap. I cannot though. All I can do is cry in silence and keep going trying all my best not to hit emotional rock bottom.

EDIT: Now I remember when I felt like this the last time and it was really not that long ago! 6 weeks ago in fact. It's funny how quickly I forgot about that cap. Thankfully now I remember how I dealt with that back then and it gives me s**ttons of hope. Funny how sometimes writing your thoughts down can help.

Feeling better today, still not so great but at least I'm not crying inside so that's a good sign That memory of my last time I felt this down really helped me, it's so easy to get into mindset that since now everything is crap it shall be forever, but if I felt like that 6 weeks ago a completely forgot about it there is a light ahead.

Getting hyped for DMSI 3.0.1A, gonna start listening to it the first night it's out for testing. I'm extremely curious how it will affect me, gonna post daily for the first week or so and then whenever anything interesting happens.

HYPETRAIN people!!

One thing you may be interested in is... DMSI, all versions, have an ego balancer. It's as powerful as the rest of the program. And in 3.0.1, it gets a direct upgrade and an indirect upgrade.

(11-28-2016, 02:50 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]One thing you may be interested in is... DMSI, all versions, have an ego balancer. It's as powerful as the rest of the program. And in 3.0.1, it gets a direct upgrade and an indirect upgrade.

This may be it, Shannon. It's hard to say but recently I've been very open about myself to others (as well as to myself I guess), I can admit much more easily to mistakes and discuss what is actually wrong with me.

An example. My friend is writing to me all the time for the past couple of days to meet for a beer. I don't mind that normally, it's always a fun time with him, but I don't wanna drink in this emotional state. Normally I would just refuse him but no I'd rather explain him what is going on with me and I'm simply not in the mood for a drink. It's almost obvious but it shows how my thinking changed slightly, I wouldn't bother with explaining myself before unless I'd cancel a meeting.

I've met with my ex today and, despite my best, we broke totally and definitively. We agreed on 3 terms:
* We erase all promises and everything that would weight on our future relations, both good and ill memories,
* I will not avoid her (that was my go-to response during AM run as I was sick of her crap at that time). I don't plan to avoid her right now as it helps me recognize my irrational fears and problems, but if she's going to play with my emotions and hurt me I will cut all ties.
* She is not to flirt with me. She's done enough damage for my emotions and the last thing I'd agree to is getting some hope from this hopeless situation.

All in all this is probably the best I can get out of it. She's not going to change, she's unstable and volotile and while, as I said, this friendship might be of use for me yet there is no recovering for that. I am butthurt? A bit. But I still feel light years better than yesterday and if tomorrow something stupid won't get into my head it should only get better. I give myself a week for full emotional recovery from all the crap she has put me through for the last 9 months.

And what does it mean? That I can start DMSI as fully a free man, with no emotional ties, able to pursuit other women sexually without any shame or guilt that I'm ruining already ruined relationship! Rejoice!

Sadly I don't feel much better after good night sleep. Right now I experience serious rollercoaster of emotions: at one time she's being totally neutral for me, I'm losing any emotions to her and she's just somebody from my past, but at other times I feel love/hate towards her and hopelessness of the situation.

The worst thing is that I am for blame for this. Sure, she was promising me things that wouldn't come to be but I should not believe her and I know that. I simply loved her too much and I wanted to believe her. In some way it's fine, I'll know better in the future. I can only hope when she comes crying the next time I will be wise enough to kick any ideas of emotional connection with me out of the head. I'm so damn scared I will be too big of a wimp to do what's right, even if it hurts both me and her. Because ultimately saying no at the beginning hurts less than disappointment at the end.

Patiently waiting for DMSI 3 to be released, I'd rather wait than force Shannon to work over his head. We all have our moments of weakness and Shannon deserves some slack right now.