Running away isn't necessary. Talking about death can be fascinating. And there's some distance between "I slit my wrists last week, but unfortunately the paramedics found me" and "when I was 13 I contemplated how it would be to just let go because I didn't see any meaning to life".
As for banging her or not, I'd go with a hell no. Bringing that shit up on a first(?) date, Valentine's Day, raises a major red flag, she's looking to lean onto someone. That's what you guys are failing to tell him.
And there's enough psycho's out there who won't reveal themselves until it's too late. Live and learn, while buckling up.
(03-29-2017, 04:35 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ] (03-29-2017, 04:25 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I've been in plenty of girls.. can't say the same for you with the attitude you project when anyone tries to help you that will keep you a virgin. It's times like this I understand why Shannon and others have stopped bothering trying to help you as it's a losing proposition and you just turn it back on them by causing some kind of drama.
All you want to do is argue and cause drama, you don't genuinely want to improve or have someone help you from their own experience.
I didn't see any help here. All I saw was a bunch of judgement being passed on people who've wanted to kill themselves. I've been there ok? I don't think it's right to say someone shouldn't have sex with someone who's wanted to kill themselves that's just Bs to me.
As for the amog bit, I said I've only attracted crazies and mystic pimp says it's limiting beliefs. Again, how us that helping? All I've attracted so far ARE crazies, it's a fact. So yeah, where's this help you speak of? "Stay a virgin cause you shouldn't f*ck crazies" is all I'm hearing here.
Sarge, you'd be a damned fool to f*ck a chick that told you on the first date that she tried to kill herself. I'll put it in perspective for you: She dumped her emotions on you because she was viewing you as a beta.
I can almost promise you, if she were viewing you as an alpha, she would've kept that sh*t to herself and painted herself in the most awesome light ever.
And yes, it's a limiting belief. I'll put it like this. I had a female friend that tried to convince me that the last three boyfriends she had were all abusive and that she doesn't "know how" that happened.
Well...
One abusive boyfriend? That sucks, better luck next time.
Two abusive boyfriends? Damn girl, you got some bad luck?
Three abusive boyfriends? Nah, chick -- you love violent men.
If you're repeatedly "attracting crazies," that means there's something in crazies that you like.
(03-29-2017, 05:41 PM)chaosvrgn Wrote: [ -> ] (03-29-2017, 04:35 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ] (03-29-2017, 04:25 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I've been in plenty of girls.. can't say the same for you with the attitude you project when anyone tries to help you that will keep you a virgin. It's times like this I understand why Shannon and others have stopped bothering trying to help you as it's a losing proposition and you just turn it back on them by causing some kind of drama.
All you want to do is argue and cause drama, you don't genuinely want to improve or have someone help you from their own experience.
I didn't see any help here. All I saw was a bunch of judgement being passed on people who've wanted to kill themselves. I've been there ok? I don't think it's right to say someone shouldn't have sex with someone who's wanted to kill themselves that's just Bs to me.
As for the amog bit, I said I've only attracted crazies and mystic pimp says it's limiting beliefs. Again, how us that helping? All I've attracted so far ARE crazies, it's a fact. So yeah, where's this help you speak of? "Stay a virgin cause you shouldn't f*ck crazies" is all I'm hearing here.
Sarge, you'd be a damned fool to f*ck a chick that told you on the first date that she tried to kill herself. I'll put it in perspective for you: She dumped her emotions on you because she was viewing you as a beta.
I can almost promise you, if she were viewing you as an alpha, she would've kept that sh*t to herself and painted herself in the most awesome light ever.
And yes, it's a limiting belief. I'll put it like this. I had a female friend that tried to convince me that the last three boyfriends she had were all abusive and that she doesn't "know how" that happened.
Well...
One abusive boyfriend? That sucks, better luck next time.
Two abusive boyfriends? Damn girl, you got some bad luck?
Three abusive boyfriends? Nah, chick -- you love violent men.
If you're repeatedly "attracting crazies," that means there's something in crazies that you like.
Now THIS is helpful.
How can I come across as alpha instead then?
(03-29-2017, 06:30 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ] (03-29-2017, 05:41 PM)chaosvrgn Wrote: [ -> ] (03-29-2017, 04:35 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ] (03-29-2017, 04:25 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I've been in plenty of girls.. can't say the same for you with the attitude you project when anyone tries to help you that will keep you a virgin. It's times like this I understand why Shannon and others have stopped bothering trying to help you as it's a losing proposition and you just turn it back on them by causing some kind of drama.
All you want to do is argue and cause drama, you don't genuinely want to improve or have someone help you from their own experience.
I didn't see any help here. All I saw was a bunch of judgement being passed on people who've wanted to kill themselves. I've been there ok? I don't think it's right to say someone shouldn't have sex with someone who's wanted to kill themselves that's just Bs to me.
As for the amog bit, I said I've only attracted crazies and mystic pimp says it's limiting beliefs. Again, how us that helping? All I've attracted so far ARE crazies, it's a fact. So yeah, where's this help you speak of? "Stay a virgin cause you shouldn't f*ck crazies" is all I'm hearing here.
Sarge, you'd be a damned fool to f*ck a chick that told you on the first date that she tried to kill herself. I'll put it in perspective for you: She dumped her emotions on you because she was viewing you as a beta.
I can almost promise you, if she were viewing you as an alpha, she would've kept that sh*t to herself and painted herself in the most awesome light ever.
And yes, it's a limiting belief. I'll put it like this. I had a female friend that tried to convince me that the last three boyfriends she had were all abusive and that she doesn't "know how" that happened.
Well...
One abusive boyfriend? That sucks, better luck next time.
Two abusive boyfriends? Damn girl, you got some bad luck?
Three abusive boyfriends? Nah, chick -- you love violent men.
If you're repeatedly "attracting crazies," that means there's something in crazies that you like.
Now THIS is helpful.
How can I come across as alpha instead then?
I don't know the perfect answer to this question, but here is one thing I can think of off the top of my mind for that exact situation or one similar.
You can say "Can we talk about something else, I don't care about your ex boyfriends, it's irrelevant"
That's a pretty alpha statement in my opinion and they will see that you're not just an emotional tampon they can throw baggage on.
(keep in mind the result will vary from women to women and this might repel or attract the person depending on who they are)
I think though in general calling them out on bullshit in a calm way like this is alpha.
What I see is convoluted theory. I agree she viewed Sarge as beta, but she would've projected that crap onto many guys. She was actively looking for someone to lean on and spill her guts to. She wasn't in that state to be ready for an alpha stud. Do you really think all women know the most ideal way of " kept that sh*t to herself and painted herself in the most awesome light ever?"
The biggest limiting belief is with the female friend. She was trying to tell you something very different. You're probably thinking "she viewed you as beta and should've kept that sh*t to herself and painted herself in the most awesome light ever". But you know, sometimes when women are being really weird, which is most of the time. Actually, I'll rephrase it. Excessive alphadom is accepted when there's no better options. When a girl tells you about her asshole, abusive father, it's synonymous with "please fuck me" and I don't mean that in a gentle way.
Maybe humans should be completely perfect and act according to the all-knowing theory, I don't know. I'm also sure that the girl who showed me her weight-loss progression yesterday saw me as beta.
When you've got the style, body language and mannerisms, the girl adjusts herself automatically. Think of the loser who tries to buy her a drink "get away from me" to that dude walking inside the joint "OMG!!"
If you have the latter, you needn't worry about "coming across as more alpha" cause the girl will do everything in her power to project that image onto you.
Yeah I agree with sick. Also I just remembered, this was when I still had my old pics on my dating profile but I met her with a trimmed beard and that god awful vneck and dress shirt.
This was before I knew the style was foul so that could be part of it. She did compliment me on my broad shoulders tho. Who knows.
I think women assume every man they don't like is beta, and every man they like is alpha.
(03-30-2017, 02:05 AM)Sickologist Wrote: [ -> ]cause the girl will do everything in her power to project that image onto you.
Gold.
OK guys, I'm retaking my journal in 3..2..1..
Day 28
4 weeks of listening to DMSI 3.1 are behind me and I must admit I am very happy with it so far. I feel well, major healing is undergoing and future grows slowly brighter. There are some stray thoughts telling me to try version B but I ain't gonna do that. Not for a long while at least.
Had a dream about that first girl from my previous update. Of course I cannot remember it now but I did when I woke up in the middle of the night from it and I remember it was very pleasant. Done some creative visualization while listening to my loops yesterday, so maybe that's the cause. Still I cannot wait to see what might come up with her next week. So far I'm only texting her, talking about stuff and other things. I don't feel comfortable escalating things though text with someone I already know and I will meet soon.
Day 29
DMSI is getting more and more interesting each day. I'm not kidding.
A small prelude. Whenever I visit Red Pill forums of any sort I get into this "all women are shallow and sex driven fiends" kind of mindset. It helps me deal with all evil b**ches (like my ex) and rejection. I exaggerate of course but I think you get my point. It doesn't happen often, last time it must have been half a year ago, but it happens. And whenever I absorb this sort of information there were always 3 women I would think about as an contr-argument for Red Pill's claims. First one is my mother (happily married with my father, the most loving and caring woman I know), second one is my sweetheart I wasted 3 years being hopelessly in love with (I still have an essay to write on her, I promised and I forgot!). And there is a third one, I don't think I've ever mentioned her on length here.
She wrote to me today. Well, I wrote to her earlier this week, we exchanged couple sentences and that was it but she wrote to me again today. And this time we talked much longer. She was complaining (she's not suicidal, but quite depressed it seems) about her life, school and her boyfriend. I wrote her (quite sincerely) that she is kind, pretty and clever girl and that she should be picking guys and not be depressed over her. I personally saw her crying over argument with her former boyfriend so I knew what I was talking about. Anyhow after that something changed. She became more open, sincere. From this depressed aptitude she turned into optimistic and almost cheerful.
The weirdest thing (and the reason I'm writing this) was she asked if "we" (not "do you" but "do we", it's more subtle in my tongue) are going to the music festival this summer. For some reason (of all the people) she asked me (with whom she had little contact since she moved away over a year ago) if I want her to go with me there. And only later did she say that if her boyfriend is not going she's going with me. WTF
Like I mentioned she moved away some time now and she lives on the other side of the country. I asked her if she would like to come back and she said yes but next year at earliest.
She is extremely pretty in all aspects, she's smart, kind and one of the nicest people I've ever met. The only reason I've never fallen in love with her was because I was in love with my sweetheart back then (only my ex would truly heal me of that one) and because I would see how loving and faithful she was towards her boyfriend (who was mistreating her, didn't trust her despite all her traits and was stupid ass anyway). I don't know what's up with her. Is it Long Distance Sniper or something?
Day 30
I have something to say that might have been better to say after I sleep over it but I want to give it a shot while it's still fresh.
I said I would write a letter to my ex concerning all things I'd like her to know and understand and which I came up with in recent months. Well, Prima Aprilis, I didn't do it. I lost interest in it. Kind of at least. At first I thought I would write 10 pages long essay with many quotes, poems and other such stuff. Then I thought I would write something short but still important. Yesterday I thought I would simply burn empty sheet of paper in an envelope. I didn't even do that. I did something different though. Something random which brought mayor consequences.
I played video game. Not your standard one though. It's called OneShot and I advice you to stop reading this crap, just buy it on steam and experience it yourself. If you liked Undertale you will like it as well. If you don't know what I'm talking about I guess reading further won't hurt you. Spoilers ahead, you've been warned.
I "completed" this game way back in January. "Completed" because the game was incomplete at that time. The whole meta in this game is how incomplete it is and basically game is destroying itself (or game's world, however you look at it). So what I did was I uncovered as much of the story as possible. And the story was basically that you have One Shot to save the world. The problem is that it comes at the price of life of your character or rather 4th wall breaking character who talks to you and does as you advice as you are a "god" of sorts. Or you can save her and doom the world. Your choice.
The real problem however is you can try again. And again. And again. The premise is a lie. You've got many shots but whatever you do you can only save one. Your past actions have some consequences on the next iterations, but only slight ones.
Last week the update came and today I had finally a chance to play it. I didn't expect much, maybe some reveals, but it changed everything. Now the game is complete and you can get the happy ending you've been longed for. Not without a price though. The price is you can never play this game again. You can save both the World and your character but that's it. No more story, no more reunions. Say your last goodbye and head your own way.
The game introduces concept of "taming", which you should know from "The Little Prince". Basically you grow attached to people, things, places and by doing so they become special, unique. They are more than they were before taming. And you're character is skillfully being tamed as you play. She's scared, knows nothing about this world and learns with you. She's also a child, emotional, trusting, full of wonder. The idea that you try another shot after you complete the game proves this. Proves that you care about her. You want to make sure she's fine just to learn nothing's changed. Until now.
I wanted to write the letter because I tamed my ex and I feel she's my responsibility. I wanted to her to understand me. I wanted to make sure she'll be fine, or at least she isn't hurt by me. But doing so would be like trying another shot - futile. There is no patch to real life. No happy ending you can strife for, not really. I might never have closure that everything is fine, that I've played the game 3 times and finally did everything right. In life you really do get only one shot. You might think you can try again, get better outcome, but sometimes it's just a sweet lie. And so while I might not be happy with the outcome I should accept it without shame.
In the game you get a choice between saving your character and the World. I had a choice between saving myself of (possibly? I wanted to believe I could) saving her. First choice gave me guilt, second one would give me humiliation and constant heartbreak. I made my choice. I was making this choice countless times! That's why I know the outcome. But there must have been a moment when I finally turn off "the game" me and my ex played and accept one or the other. This moment came months ago. And there will be no magical patch to fix the problems and bring about the happy ending.
So let's just accept how things are. Sometimes so do need to choose. And when neither of choices is a "happy ending" feeling guilt and shames becomes a pointless and futile exercise in empathy. Not because I didn't do anything bad. I simply couldn't do any more good than I do.
Day 31
This might seem like a pessimistic update, but it is not. It's long, sure, but not pessimistic. If anything it's more hopeful instead of wishy-washy ones from previous week. "Oh WOW, that girl wrote to me, she must want my D!!!" Yeah, those.
The thing that bothers me is that while a lot of whacky stuff is happening in my life right now concerning women (and otherwise for that matter) little of it pays of. Which is a shame because I would love to see some action. Instead each "opportunity" or other happenstance I have described in this journal either seems to go nowhere or just be a wishful thinking on my part. It's funny how at one point I was thinking which one I would choose and day later I would wonder if I could get any of them. That might be disappointing. I know I was disappointed in the past. There were at least two girls (one with DMSI 2.4 and another 3.0) which I seemed to go somewhere with but it all futile. I was disappointed!
I am not disappointed now. WHAT!? BUT WHY!? I'll tell you why. Two reasons.
First of all I still have crap tone of healing to do. How do I know this. Because recently I saw on the streets that suicidal friend of mine with her boyfriend hugging. I was in a great, almost euphoric mood before that and I was in sad, melancholic mood afterwards. Why!? I wasn't jealous of her, I wasn't really anything my conscious mind would recognize. But it still hit me. I have no idea why but I need to clear this mess. Something is wrong under the hood.
And I do have stuff to focus on beside women while healing. It's hard to see no results while you focus on them, that's true. But when in the end it's just a side-track for you, something you'd very much like but you won't be losing your sleep over... Then it's easy. You just wait while self-improving (for yourself, not some girls!) and doing your one thing. And I do say it confidently because I can feel DMSI's effects. I can feel the healing and I know something is happening.
But there is second reason, possibly more important one. I was talking about it a lot before DMSI 3.1 but it bares repeating. Over a year ago, not sure exactly but probably between October '15 and February '16 I was running mix of AM6 refresher and BIATBW as well as a lot of LOA exercises. I would run one for week or two and then I run run the other. And it was a lot of fun, I had a lot of clearing and a lot of semi-result like I have now. I feel almost the same as then. And I know what happened at that time. If anything I can feel it stronger now. The story will not repeat but some patterns will come into play for sure. I know this because that was probably the craziest time in my life and I feel even crazier now. Disregarding those experiences would be foolish.
I won't be talking about healing at that time, go read my journal if you're interested. In short I read a lot and so I was realizing many things. But I did get lots of minor results. For example I went for a date with that girl I saw hugging her boyfriend after 1,5 years of no contact because of random phone call. I did go for a beer with that amazing girl who wants to go to the music festival with me despite her possessive boyfriend. I had a date and didn't follow it through because I didn't want her, not the other way around. And last but not least my sweetheart (I promise I will write this damn essay!) came back to my life, involuntarily from my part and involving some mayor coincidences. I'm sure I forgot about some interesting cases.
And of course I met my ex, lost my virginity and slowly, over the following months, started losing my sanity. Two or so weeks after I met her all the craziness stopped and turned into my dance with her. And dance turned into sword fight.
I can see all those signs again. Girls appear in my life left and right. And not random ones but girlfriend materials. Many of them return to my life, seemingly out of random. I do not get any obvious results, no dates or nudes being send but neither did I get those back then. All those girls simply seem friendly while... uninterested. And I do admit it is sad. Or that I am too autistic to notice. If this was to continue I would be disappointed quite a bit.
But something unexpected might happen. My conscious can only extrapolate the future from the data it knows but so many things are unknown. I strongly expect someone appearing in my life like my ex did a year ago. Don't know who, where or when. But if I were to bet you guys who will be the girl that will make me write "F**ING DMSI" in this journal I would vote for neither of the girls I was describing thus far.
It's quite pleasant to think about them and how I seem to build some connection with each of them, sure. But so I did before I met my ex. And no, I do not say that nothing will ever come out of all those girls. I just don't expect anything from them. And I do not say I want to relive my ex with different person. All I say is I should look out and expect the unexpected.
Day 32
You can take this as a follow up of the last update. I will assume you've read it just to make it shorter. Not that I plan to write another essay but neither did I plan it the last time
Ok, so all this chaos and mess makes me kind of uneasy. I don't like situations when I don't have control over things to be honest. I like to know the Sun will rise in the East and set in the West.
Right now I have no idea what will happen. Each week brings me new things to think about and new "coincidences" with people in my life. Thankfully I do not believe in concept of coincidence.
That's why I really want to focus on self-improvement. It gives me grounding. When every day might bring someone new (or old back to) my life
ME is the only person I can control and work with. I know I will not disappear just like I came
And the issue is that while people do appear, they just as easily disappear. It's hard to keep anything constant for me in such a frantic time.
The other reason is that I am quite frankly scared of repeating story with my ex. I might have been after a run of AM6 when I met her but that was not enough to be outcome independent from her. I was simply too easy and tempting not to develop oneitis on her. And while I admit I am not against oneitis I don't wanna get into one with someone with whom I would simply never be happy with (at least in the long run).
With all of this I think I'm slowly developing ADGAF aptitude. It's not bad as long as it doesn't make me waste opportunities, if anything it makes me stronger and independent. So far since I started DMSI 3.1
I don't feel like I wasted any good opportunity I had. I mean sure, I could be approaching girls on the streets or create Tinder account but I don't really wanna do that. Call it laziness or limiting beliefs, IDGAF
The funny thing is I am losing a lot of fat recently while not losing weight. I don't understand why because I don't exercise all that much except for walks. And I do walk a lot, but I never thought walking develops your muscles. Anyhow yesterday I tried my old trousers and they looked like two of me would fit in them. Those were always loose but not that much! At the same time I still struggle to lose kilograms. Also both my parents and my cousin me praising me for how much weight I lost. Interesting...
Day 32 update
I had serious case of anxiety today and I have little idea why. What I gonna give you right now is my best guess. In the past months I come to be able to quite well guess sources of my issues but it is still just a guess.
I know I was talking about how outcome independent I want to be. And it's true as far as I'm concerned. But the fact that I don't really expect any of the girls I mention here to work out it doesn't mean I wouldn't like that.
Today I was hoping to meet my friend's flatmate at some event. She said she might now be able to come 2 days back or so and in the end she didn't. Not a big deal, I knew how this works. The are two buts though.
First but is that I have this in the back of my head that DMSI should make her run after me like crazy and if I present her the opportunity she should take it. If she doesn't it means I might be doing something wrong, right?
Second but is apparently before me she was to meet with some friend of hers and when I wrote to her if she's interested in going to the next event she send me picture of the beer she's been drinking at the meeting. I don't think it was a date but I still felt cucked. It was similar feeling to what I got when I saw my suicidal friend hugging her girlfriend. I shouldn't be jealous but still, for some reason, it hurts. OK, hurting is not the best description, but it does give me some anxiety I cannot easily control.
I would love to ask her out for a beer or two and at some point I probably will. She's great girlfriend material. The problem is she's my friend's roommate and asking her out might bring me all sorts of drama. I have no idea if she would agree or if she would reject me, I recon she'd agree, but I cannot really do a move before I talk about it with my friend. It doesn't really matter if he approves or not, I just want him to know that I'm into her. I played out this sort of drama with my ex, I won't do this lightly again. It does not mean I will not do this again though.
I'm not scared of being rejected by her. If she does so it's fine, we are only human and I have other options, not to mention I have no idea of knowing what might come in the future. But this waiting and uncertainty is taking its toll on me. It's funny how I consider myself a patient man but at the same time I cannot bare the thought of waiting if I have no idea how long this wait will take.
You might ask why won't you just sit and wait if you're confident more is on its way. Well, I do not wanna sit idly and wait for DMSI to do it's magic. It so extremely important for me not to ever look back and think that I've had wasted my chance. I will never know what will happen unless I try.