(12-20-2016, 07:22 AM)eternity Wrote: [ -> ]I relate to this post so hard right now. lol.
Taking a good honest look back through my life shows me point blank that I wasted my formative years. But does that mean I am useless now? far from it, pal! For one, people like you and me are taking active efforts in identifying flaws -> repairing -> upgrading our lives. This alone sets us ahead of the game. Metaphorically speaking, if we wasted the first 80 days of tending to our rose bushes, we now have fertilizer for the garden that when applied on day 81, will partially make up for the first 80 days of abuse/mistreating the garden.
And especially the part where you mention any other option is unacceptable? This same feeling is permeating through my entire being and is manifesting as motivation/drive for success.
Nice to know that you're experiencing a similar breakthrough at a similar time.
Glad to hear that
You're not alone man, your not alone.
Day 19
I had serious emotional swing today when I felt really happy and euphoric and then I let myself be overcome with fear and doubt. And by let I mean my mind drifted into those thoughts as if it didn't want to feel good with itself. Resistance at it's finest. Thankfully I pulled myself out of it quite easily, most times bad feeling persevere.
One thing I noticed is that I get more IOIs in this euphoric states. I'm not sure about causality here: do I get IOIs because in that state I project an aura that causes them or do I feel better and more self-assured because of IOIs? Or maybe it's a feedback loop? I don't know to be honest.
I had two minor manifestations I guess, one of them stopped replying to my messages for some reason and other one was my friend's collegue, but she was so full of bullshit and entitlement that I refused to help her. Lazy ****, thinks she would smile and all the man will do whatever she wishes
Quite pretty though, it's a shame my bullshit radar was on.
One thing about that programming stuff I'm doing now that I though of and might shed some light on why it's happening. I'm sapiosexual, meaning I find intelligence extremely attractive. I wrote this before for sure but it's worth mention that for me intelligent 6/10 is orders of magnitude more attractive than 10/10 dumb bimbo. Is it possible that by learning I not only increase my potential, but also become more attractive to sapiosexual women (who are often highly intelligent themselves) and might end up in places and situations where they would appear as well?
Day 20
I've read a lot of reports of others being sick so I'd like to remind you that I've been semi-sick for a long time but it seems to slowly get better. Although I think it's more due to me smoking and walking circa dozen kilometers daily in winter weather so please don't necessarily count me for the trend
I have arrived at home, as I suspected my weight didn't chanced since my last visit.
Christmas time is coming and I seriously consider myself to not limit myself at this time. I might be looking for excuse but this week or so might really help me clear my mind and distance myself from my ex and whole theater of my life in the city. It doesn't mean I will be completely lazy or that I will eat everything in my sight, moderation is advised, but I want to spend this Christmas in peace and without guilt.
(12-19-2016, 02:59 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]BTW I started learning Ruby if anyone is into those sorts of things and I will let you know if knowledge of it will be useful for me in the future. Spoilers: I will
Good to hear man, did a bit of ruby in my final year before graduation.
I really wish I enjoyed coding like I did 5 years ago, had to force myself to do it during my degree by that I mean I had no choice. From what I remember Ruby isn't common and it's in demand, I did a lot of JavaScript as well my final year project used a lot of JS. Pythons a good one as well, from what I remember both are frameworks to help you build web applications. Final year of uni I had set myself a goal to learn Python to the best of my ability only thing I made with Python was an encryption/decryption algorithm that used 3 ciphers with 128 rounds, it was so much fun though.
If you can master a programming language, do it, it'll go a long way.
Kind of miss it all now :\
Day 23
Marry Christmas everyone! Let the resistance shatter like Christmas baubles
(12-22-2016, 03:34 PM)dweller94 Wrote: [ -> ]Good to hear man, did a bit of ruby in my final year before graduation.
I really wish I enjoyed coding like I did 5 years ago, had to force myself to do it during my degree by that I mean I had no choice. From what I remember Ruby isn't common and it's in demand, I did a lot of JavaScript as well my final year project used a lot of JS. Pythons a good one as well, from what I remember both are frameworks to help you build web applications. Final year of uni I had set myself a goal to learn Python to the best of my ability only thing I made with Python was an encryption/decryption algorithm that used 3 ciphers with 128 rounds, it was so much fun though.
If you can master a programming language, do it, it'll go a long way.
Kind of miss it all now :\
I agree, if you're good at programming you can go far and get both well paid and fulfilling job. And this is what I'm string towards.
My ex is apparently leaving the country, which is a good things but somehow my heart still hurts as the last shreds of hope that disappear. It shows how although consciously I don't want to have anything to do with her emotionally I'm still connected to her. I only hope she will truly leave - she's been talking about it for so long and even left for another city early autumn but she returned.
I just had a random idea to do personality test using Myers-Briggs test and it came out the same as 2 years ago or so - INTJ-T. That would be it for all those out there that think subs will brainwash you and fundamentally change who you are.
Day 27
Christmas is over but I'll be staying at my parents' for some time yet. I will probably spend New Year celebration with my family as I feel too negative and fearful to force myself into social situations. Well, I don't feel that bad, but I have moments of strong anxiety, self-pity and anger and I know in awkward social situation they would be turned up to 11. I'm to sure if it's be best idea to be a recluse right now but I'd rather use my solitude while I can to meditate and learn while DMSI does its job in the background than forcing myself into situations I don't wanna be in. I will feel shame that for the first time in couple years I'm spending New Year essentially alone and I'd rather do that than regret spending it with others. I just don't have strength for that right now.
Day 35
The bad weather and short day are killing me. I feel very depressed and I'm not really sure how to deal with it other than to wait it through.
Holiday was fine, I had plenty of time to think and meditate. I came to some interesting conclusions but I really don't wanna share those here until I'll be able to truly put them into action. I was quite productive as well, I've learnt a lot of stuff that I might find useful in the future. Nothing women related though, due to my current depression I'm not really in a mood to focus on anything and anyone other than myself and my personal, independent from anyone goals.
Day 39
Anyone who follows this or my previous journals know I had plenty of problems with myself and through couple past weeks they seem to go even worse. I've bunkered myself up at my parent's since Christmas and while it game me plenty time to relax, think and meditate to understand myself but it ended up making things worse. I start to think I'm developing mild case of depression with usual symptoms - tiredness, finding it hard to work, trouble sleeping etc.
So I thought I could use some help and I went to the psychologist today. Of course he didn't help me much, he said some to the points things and proposed therapy. Sadly I don't have money for that and more than friend for money I need to move my ass. He said I'm very conflicted (well, that's what we call resistance here, when conscious wants one thing but subconscious wants another) and that I'm looking for someone to understand me. He's right, but he offered no solutions to my problems. At any rate I've tried it and maybe I will do serious psychotherapy at one point, but it is not today.
What's next then? I'd love to stop using DMSI and switch to LTU for example (or even better third run of AM), but I won't. I'm knee deep in this already and I will keep going whatever the cost, depression or not. I need some action, I need to sort things out. Pity for oneself is not a bad thing, but it won't keep me out of the hole I'm stuck in. Of course forcing myself is no way either but slow and steady progress is. One cannot change the world, but you can change myself.
If you need any proof of my resent problems there is a clear one - my body language. It's hard for me to hold one contact, I slouch and it's hard to me to smile. AM and later even DMSI gave me a lot in this area and I think I went back to pre-sub state in this regard. I almost wish I could look at myself from a year ago, I was completely different person back then - so much more confident and happy. Now? Now something's wrong and I can't quite put my finger on what, but I know I must keep going. On the bottom there is no way but up
I'm not sure if because of all this crap I will post more often or not. I didn't post much recently because I wanted to clear my head and it pretty much backfired. Maybe daily updates from now on are not a bad idea. We'll see. Before anyone asks I was getting my DMSI dose daily. I was listening to the ultrasonics only on old speakers (8-10 years) which can handle high frequencies, but maybe they've aged too much and something was wrong on that front? Anyhow I'm switching to hybrid now so hopefully something's gonna change.
You may want to opt-in to the group of people who are taking a 21-day break off of DMSI before the release of V3.1. Perhaps it will do you some good, and Shannon could use testers willing to take a break for data collection. The subliminal break starts on the 15th of this month.
(01-09-2017, 09:23 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]You may want to opt-in to the group of people who are taking a 21-day break off of DMSI before the release of V3.1. Perhaps it will do you some good, and Shannon could use testers willing to take a break for data collection. The subliminal break starts on the 15th of this month.
That might be actually not the worst idea ever, I'll think about it. I'd love to hear from Shannon what he thinks about it. I will certainly switch to 3.1 once it is released so the break is not a bad idea. I don't like a month of sitting back though.
Also I've been out of touch with this forum lately, when will DMSI 3.1 be released and how many people are doing the break? PM me if you want.
Shannon wanted people to start taking a break off DMSI on the 15th because he estimates (not promises) that V3.1 will be release around 21 days from then.
You wouldn't technically be "sitting back." The P5 technology will keep the script running through your head for around 21 days, hence the recommended break time. For all you know, you'll get more out of it than if you had continually run 3.0.1 and switched immediately to 3.1. I'm going to join the "take a break" group because I don't want to risk the turbulence. These programs are getting continuously more complex, and I want to be fresh for V3.1.
So far, not many people have volunteered to take a break. I think, including me, it may be 3. More are certainly needed.
(01-09-2017, 09:44 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Shannon wanted people to start taking a break off DMSI on the 15th because he estimates (not promises) that V3.1 will be release around 21 days from then.
You wouldn't technically be "sitting back." The P5 technology will keep the script running through your head for around 21 days, hence the recommended break time. For all you know, you'll get more out of it than if you had continually run 3.0.1 and switched immediately to 3.1. I'm going to join the "take a break" group because I don't want to risk the turbulence. These programs are getting continuously more complex, and I want to be fresh for V3.1.
So far, not many people have volunteered to take a break. I think, including me, it may be 3. More are certainly needed.
Kudos for information. It means I have a week to think about it, plenty of time
Day 41
I remember I wrote I'd post daily but I don't have much need to do so now. I feel better but still shitty, at least now I can make myself do some useful work and not hate myself for it. Lots of negativity and self-pity though, it's something I really don't like and I'd get rid of it ASAP.
I had kind of euphoric experience today. At the same time I felt quite like I had those morphine highs a couple weeks back, but at the same time I was very fearful. Pretty much two opposites at the same time. It was triggered by beautiful music playing from my phone and heavy snowfall which looked almost like from a fairytale. Interesting experience, but without much bearing on rest of the day.