Subliminal Talk

Day 50

Not a boring night with DMSI.

I had a dream last night. And it was an interesting one. And the fact that it coincided with my yesterday's emotional release is no coincident. I don't have too many dreams recently which is strange as I used to have those daily and about women. Now I have them twice a week or so and mostly about me fighting my parents.

For the first time in forever I dreamed about my sweetheart. We met by chance at the mall, she doing god knows what and me up to meet one of my DMSI girls. We hang up a bit and then I found my girl. All three of us sat at the table in some fast food restaurant, me at the one side and them at the other, my girl in front of me and my sweetheart beside her, 45 degrees to the left.

My girl was as she is in real life - nice and joking but not flirty. I'm not sure if in the dream I was to go for a date with her or, like in real life, just friendly hang-up. My sweetheart however was strange... Very passive-aggressive, like she was hiding some deep emotions. In real life she grew to despise me and avoids me but here she was kind of reaching out. Well, more like pulling me with one hand and pushing me with the other. Hard to describe.

Oh, and I don't think I need to say she was the one I was doing those creative visualizations with, right?

I wonder if that dream has any meaning for it. Possibly not. Possibly it does. At any rate it was first time in a long time I dreamed of her and it was extremely clear it was she. Sometimes in dreams people are blurred and you need to guess or feel who they are. Here I'm 100% sure who both of the women were.

Day 51

Not a boring dream with DMSI. Or dreams.

Three of them to be exact. First one was me playing with my niece. She's in Primary School. She was playfully hugging me. All I could think of is "don't look like a pedophile" o.O Second one was me in some doctor office, where he would take a look at my feet. All I could think of was "I hope they don't stink" O.o

Third one though... Just like yesterday for the first time in a looong time I dreamed about my sweetheart, tonight for the first time in a looong time I dreamed about my ex. I stumbled on her by chance, there was some commotion in my flat, people coming and leaving and I found her just outside the door. She started to run away down the staircase and I pursued her. I was angry and wanted to beat the s**t out of her, quite a scary thought now. Anyhow I got her into a corner where there was big table between us, so I couldn't easily catch her. I screamed "What do you want from me?!" and she would just smirk and laugh at my face.

Yeah, I got rid of all my insecurities about her... NOT.

It's funny how sometimes I think I dealt with all those issues and yet they come back, even when nothing is triggering them. Oh well, still a long way to go

Day 53

WTF DMSI? Why are you behaving like AM?

I am I don't feel much like an Alpha but I am kinda getting there. Motivation is high, those small improvements I'd mentioned stick and all seems well. Kinda strange but given how I got tired of false manifestations I'll take that instead .

Interesting thing for me is recently I really got some kind of man-crush on Elon Musk. I used to dismiss this guy for being overrated hipster but really he's amazing in a way. He's not alpha, if he lost some weight he'd be quite handsome but he's workaholic, not really that charismatic in words and terrible at interpersonal relationships. But he's passion for what he's doing is simply amazing. I'm not sure if that was my late night visualizations or a dream but I had this fantasy of applying for job in Tesla and him being the interviewer!

I don't want to be like him exactly. He's great inspiration for me right now but not someone to take example from. He's life is too imbalanced, that mission might have carried him too far. But it shows me how much I lack this kind of mission and given I find one great things might come out of me yet.

Day 59

Didn't feel much incentive to visit the forum lately but I thought I would post an update. All is fine, nothing mayor is happening and life turns quite boring compared to what was happening before Easter. I find myself occupied quite a lot recently with work, that makes me think less about women I guess Self improvement goes quite well also.

With only interesting DMSI related stuff my long distance relationship candidate (whom I think I'm targeting with my sniper) broke with her new boyfriend and I chat with her quite a lot recently. Nothing to make me hopeful, but I'll be playing to see where it goes.

Day 60

It's all quiet on DMSI front.

Seriously, after last update it bothers me a little. It's like nothing is happening, nothing! I'm not sure if DMSI 3.1 just burned out on me or it's some kind of quiet before the storm. But it's... worrying. You'd think the further into the sub you go the madder it should get. Instead I get boring, espacially compared to first month of the sub.

Hence I'm saying this for the first time on this journal but I cannot wait for DMSI 3.2. I would love to get things moving again. Maybe my subconscious knows I need to concentrate on more pressing issues but damn.

I don't like boring

(....)

(05-01-2017, 03:05 PM)Travis Wrote: [ -> ]Around this time last week I was also quite frustrated with my lack of results. However, this weekend, DMSI revealed itself in a big way.

Things can change very quickly. Your frustration could actually be the last efforts of your subconscious to resist. That's what appears to have happened in my case.

Thanks for reassuring thought and giving me opportunity to ramble a little

I'm not frustrated at lack of results. There are results, simply those are internal ones. And to be honest I'd rather have those than external ones at this time as those are more important in the long run. It's just that couple of weeks before Easter were so eventful and now it's all quiet. That's why I used "All Quiet on the Western Front" reference for my title (I hope you know history of WWI :/ ) as the war is raging, but results are not really visible. Constantly promised offensives bear no fruit.

Truly I feel like all signs on Heaven and Earth (meaning my intuition) tell me this is calm before the storm. Like my subconscious was trying to find the right path (chaos) and now I'm on it (order). All I have to do is wait and do my part while on the journey. And it may last months, possibly even up to Autumn. I would love to give you guys more details but I don't wanna post anything right now as there is so much uncertainty right now.

And that is the problem I face and why I don't like this state - that uncertainty brings doubt and fear. And those can be powerful enough to nullify any progress I'm making. When you see the results you just go with it, you flow and you see the destination, or at least you think you do. Now... I'm almost blindfolded. Unfounded except for who I am with little validation elsewhere.

It's funny, I don't like chaos, I prefer order and serenity. But it seems I much more prefer chaos bringing hope than order bringing doubt.

Day 62

The wind died, the whole world ceased to move...

Poetics aside all is same as before, calm before the storm. There is one extremely interesting thing going on but again, I will tell you all about it when and if something comes out of it. I don't wanna read too much into signs that might mean little.

I wanted to share interesting story with you though. Yesterday I felt terrible anxiety the whole day. I don't know why, nothing really triggered it as far as I know. Anyhow because of that feeling I couldn't sleep and had the worst case of insomnia I had in a long time. I managed to fall asleep at 7 A.M. while going to bed at 3 A.M. And I managed to do that only after I started telling to myself "you deserve it, you deserve all the best in this world" in response to some negative thought I had. Before that I was restless, after that I fell asleep in like 5 minutes.

I had very little anxiety today, so whatever it did it made a huge difference

Day 64

The hammer has fallen. My ex wrote to me today.

It came to me as no surprise. I expected it to happen in a long while and if anything I expected it much sooner. If you follow my journal you know it's not small matter for me. Thankfully I came prepared after couple of months of DMSI!

Don't wanna recap conversation or anything like that but few points are clear. First, while I'm not over her yet I can say "no" to her and I have no intention of ever being with her again. Second I mostly dealt with my negative emotions towards her and while going through the trash again is not pleasant it didn't bring me don't. If anything I feel happy and in closure now. Lastly I will try to stay in contact with her for some time just to see how much progress I made. I want to make sure what happened today is not one shot but a pattern.

And you know what the funniest thing is? Yesterday I was talking about her with my female friend (one of DMSI manifestations) and I was talking about how I'm losing anxiety for things I associate wit her and how I'm letting go of her. And I was right

Will keep you posted on that front, what may come out of this will either proof strength of DMSI's healing or prove me weak, lovesick child. Wish me good luck!

Day 65

Thus to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence. Supreme excellence consists of breaking enemy's resistance without fighting.

This is gonna be one of those long updates. The longest of the long updates. But given circumstances I feel this one deserves its length Bear with me!

For a couple of past posts I was saying how I expect something to happen as I've entered "calm before the storm" kind of circumstances. And while my ex texting me was surely big event it was not said storm. It is yet to come, oh boy I can feel it, and while she might play role in all of this she is surely not the epicenter of events.

She didn't text me today. Neither did she reply to my skype messages as she wanted to talk with me proper (or rather I wanted to talk with her face to face and she said she's rather skype with me). I don't know why. I do not care why. I was not messaging her for 5 months and I will not do this now. In the past I might have be promising myself I wouldn't and eventually I did, true that. However now I have no need, no will to do it. I can respond to her but I do not want on basic, subconscious level to initiate contact with her. Not to get back together, not to be friends, not to hurt her. Nothing.

But these past two days gave me a lot to think about. You see, all those thoughts about her I has holding in myself all this time finally found a way out yesterday and I proofed myself stronger than before. This reminds me of this song "Paid in Full" by Sonata Arctica, you should go ahead and listen to it to get some context on my thinking. I just want to quote short part of it.

Quote:I fall back, and I turn another cheek.
You mouth the words you're not ready to speak
You're scared of me now; no I never had a clue
That I'd become so much stronger than you.

This is quite an important song for me as I would listen to it back when we were together and even I would send it to her so she knows what I think about her. She could never understand. She would only get mad, as she always did when I wanted to be assertive. And oh boy am I assertive now! If I were to guess I'd say that's the reason she's not following up on the contact with me - she thought she could manipulate me again. Good luck.

How can I know that? Glad you asked. She started conversation with how she is "sorry" and "I was right all along". Ok, fair enough, nice gesture of humility. But then she started to attack me like in good old day. Unbeknownst to her her emotional blackmail not only doesn't work for me (oh, I remember times when I felt so sorry for her and just couldn't resist her) but I can smell it from mile away. And, what's more important, now I know how, can and do protect myself and my rights. My point of view is just as valuable as hers and nothing she'd do could change it now.

But even with all of that I would not write this post. Ok, it's nice to brag about I've faced and won against my past (although given this might be just round 1 ) but we must dig deeper. And what is deeper is not especially stellar for me.

Cause why am I stronger now? Because of DMSI's healing? Sure, made huge progress but that's not whole story. I was shredding that story in veil of mystery recently but I think I should write about this now.

2 months ago when some ugly facts came to my ears about my ex's whereabouts I was scared shitless she'd contact me. She took her sweet time to do this but back then I was panicking. I knew I was too weak to face her back then and so I needed emotional shield. First I wrote to my sweetheart but she refused to come to contact with me. You see, my ex is the only person on this Earth to know how much I loved my sweetheart and if she knew about her presence in my life she's know there is no point in trying to come back. At least that was my screwed logic.

But weeks rolled and she wouldn't contact me. In that time I had those three girls who had came into my life due to DMSI no doubt. One of them has a boyfriend now and cut contact with me not to make him jealous. Second one also has a boyfriend but also is just as crazy as my ex (don't stick into crazy argument with Sarge, remember that ), not to mention contact with her nowadays is sparse. The third one though...

My long distance relationship candidate, probable long distance snipee. She's kind, good-hearted, beautiful and free. And while a month back there was episode where I felt cucked because of her she broke up with that guy and now she learns how to be alone. Well, WE learn how to be alone. You see, past couple of weeks we became good friends and we support each other in out emotional struggles. She listens to me, I listen to her. We laugh and cheer each other. Sounds quite gay (no offence to anyone ) but it's simple male-female friendship between two broken hearts.

She became closest thing I have to emotional shield. And I cannot tell how much I was able to hold my own against my ex because of my own strength and how much because of her. I cannot say that I love her or anything like that. I like her a lot, I found quite kinship in her. While it's true I'd like to be with her as she check all my requirements I don't feel like I need to be with her. At this moment her friendship is more than enough for me. Sure, it's true that I search for double meaning in her messages and give myself some hope every now and then. It's so hard to read signals by simply chatting with someone. But quite frankly she seems to be my only great available option left after DMSI chaos and still I don't feel need to pursue her. Let her come to me if she wants or look for another is she doesn't.

My concern and point of the whole essay is how at this point can I know how much I grew as a person for the past half a year and how much am I still a lovesick child. Because given all the circumstances I am a bit afraid that I might be in love with her and I'm simply in denial at this point. Did I truly grow or just exchange one poison for another? I did felt a bit hurt when she found herself a boyfriend back then, quite jealous after all. I don't know and only time will tell. That's why I didn't want to write about my snipee as everything is in such a flux.

And do you know what the funniest thing is? Day before my ex messaged me I was chatting with my snipee and I was talking how I'm letting go of my ex, how can watch TV shows and listen to music that remind me of her. That night I broke last bastion of defense and listened with her the most emotional song connected to my ex. The remains of my anxiety towards my ex broke. Without my snipee I would not listen to that song that night and I would not be as prepared when the next day my ex wrote to me. Timing was so damn excellent.

And now try to believe in coincidences... No damn way!

Day 69

69, hihihihihi

Jokes aside I thought I would post an update while I'm in the middle of some interesting stuff going on. Nothing major or mind blowing to say but worth mentioning anyway.

First, my ex is testing me. Gently, sure, but I know her. And she knows me more than anyone else. In the past when we would argue cause she did something to hurt I would sooner or later forgive her, given enough time. So now she takes couple of days between texts and tests me if I want to reach out to her of just replying out of "I want to be OK towards her" kind of feeling. So far I gave her no attention whatsoever and I think this will continue.

My snipee is distant and doesn't talk with me much. I don't read much into this as she has a lot of studying on her head right now. I will become more concerned if this continues for a week or so though. Other than that, while I still admire her, I don't feel in love with her. I found myself thinking today that if I were to look for a serious girlfriend I would look for someone like her, as kind of reference because I feel so much trust and kindness in her.

Lastly yesterday, today (and probably tomorrow) I met (will meet) first of my DMSI girls on some social events. She as well as my friend very strongly pointed out how she broke with her boyfriend (whom she met after I started texting with her) and today my friend was laughing how he tries to sell me to her. And while she is angel-like beautiful I am quite disheartened towards her. To recap we stopped texting after she found herself a boyfriend and apparently texting with me would not be fair towards him. I don't really want to text with her again after that. What's more she plays kind of nice towards me while I was ignoring her and paying her as little mind as possible. She's not worth it in my eyes right now.

What will I do if she texts me? I don't know honestly. I would simply go with the autopilot and see where it leads. "I'll win but never fight, that's the art of war" after all. I would let her chase me and prove me she's worth something, pride will not get me laid. So perhaps prepare for an interesting update soon

Day 73

Lots of resistance recently. I start to strongly realize that all my previous posts about my DMSI girls prove to be resistance incarnate. The thing is each of those girls shows some kind of my deep belief that hinders DMSI's execution. I remember I was talking about paradigm shift quite some time ago and my actions for the past couple of weeks prove I'm not ready to undergo it.

I think there will come a time (and it might come soon) when I'll have to finally choose between staying in my old paradigm and rendering DMSI useless or do unthinkable and change everything I believe when it comes to relationships. Because as of right now I get very little out of DMSI and while healing is quite good I need more. Using DMSI as some kind of springboard for finding a girlfriend and calling it a day doesn't really make much sense, right?

Oh, and I got cucked by my snipee. Again. I cannot help but wonder what is going on with this one. Is she not my long distance snipee (which she well might not be), Universe thinks it's not time for us (you know, perfect circumstances and all that) or LDS script is not executing that well (due to resistance or whatever)? Any thoughts?

How do u know she is ur snipee and not oneitis

How she can cuck u if you were only friends and she wasnt yours

(05-14-2017, 04:18 PM)Dzemoo Wrote: [ -> ]How do u know she is ur snipee and not oneitis

How she can cuck u if you were only friends and she wasnt yours

That's my theory, backed by no hard evidence. But look at circumstances:
* She reappeared in my life after about a year.
* She broke up with her boyfriend a week or so after reappearing.
* She is kind, beautiful blablabla, checks all the marks for my perfect GF except for intelligence.
* We have great conversations, laughs easily at my jokes etc.
* She IS long distance, like the other side of a country distance.
It's a convincing case I think.

And know it's not oneitis because I am easily able to think and fantasize about other girls without any shame or guilt I've been in oneitis before, she would be in all and any of my thoughts if that was the case.

I use term "cuck" lightly, more as a joke. For example imagine a sportsman who has world record and then someone beats it, then I would say that the latter cucked the former to that title. Same for a job or seat on the bus. So it's not that I feel cheated on, but I sure feel disappointed.