Subliminal Talk

Beautiful insight.

(03-26-2017, 01:51 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Beautiful insight.

Thanks I just hope what I'm describing provides some helpful intel. I must admit last few days were not easy. To be honest I'm almost happy that girl's kind smile brought me some guilt and anxiety the other day. Without that I might not come to realizations I wrote about today. And while I know this is not the end of my healing this is one giant step for sure.

And I want to thank you Shannon personally, not only for the sub. I'm not sure if you remember but before 3.1 release we were arguing about personal responsibility. And I think this concept is at the heart of my latest healing. You see, I could still be prideful and pretend I either did nothing wrong with my ex or that or my mistakes were justifiable. I was believing that for months now. And that was leading me nowhere. Only when I realized I should take responsibility, that there are things I did wrong and I should accept that, only then something clicked. I just hope I will not go back to old believes again.

So thank you Shannon again! And I'm gonna keep you posted.

Your insight gave me some insight into one of my own relationships from about 10 years ago, some similarities. That was quite an eye opener to contemplate. Thanks for that.

(03-26-2017, 12:37 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]And also Beacon Balls™ came back during my loops, if only at 40% of their total capacity

Damn it!! You trademarked the Beacon Balls™ before I could!!

I'm pretty sure it was bacon ballsTM!

(03-26-2017, 05:42 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Your insight gave me some insight into one of my own relationships from about 10 years ago, some similarities. That was quite an eye opener to contemplate. Thanks for that.

Glad I could help. Even if it's a bit bittersweet.

(03-27-2017, 03:35 AM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I'm pretty sure it was bacon ballsTM!

Yeah...

Day 25

It is good. Not great though. Euphoria from yesterday is almost gone and replaced by mild anxiety but I feel so much lighter and unburdened than before it's crazy.

Today I had a chance to see if anything changes when I go out after last weekend. And it kinda did. For the first time I could feel aura around me (or at least I think I did). My colleagues were much kinder to me today and my Chinese teacher was keeping a lot of eye contact with me. I would love to see something happening in her direction, there are not many Asian people in my parts and I do like their kind of beauty. I'll see if I can come up with something in the future. Never even tried to pick up a teacher before (she's like 25-27). BTW I was way less shy and more active during the classes to catch some of her attention and I noticed it only later on. Auto-pilot maybe?

Writing that letter I was mentioning before seems more and more probable. To be honest I really want to write this letter but I don't know if I want her to receive it. The letter being lost in the mail would be perfect But frankly that would make little sense. My ex gives me target to honestly write all my feeling right now. I fear consequences that might follow. There will be many kind words in the letter (which are easy to give now that both anger and expectations are gone) and if I don't make it clear why and how much I don't want her in my life she'll try to come back without a doubt. This letter is my big chance for closure, to finally end this chapter in respectable manner. I don't want it to become a ticket for even more hurt.

You can write the letter for your own benefit... without ever doing anything with it. Rip it up afterwards, or burn it.

(03-27-2017, 11:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You can write the letter for your own benefit... without ever doing anything with it. Rip it up afterwards, or burn it.

Yes, I was considering something similar. I wanted to give the letter to my mother and ask her to either send it (it would have address and post stamp already) or burn it. The point would be for her never to tell me what she did and that it would be absolutely up to her. It would be something like Schroedinger's cat: the letter would be send and destroyed at the same time with no way of knowing which came to be up until my mother decides to tell me.

Burning it myself seemed less fulfilling at first for me but I think I know how to make it so. This would almost turn this whole thing into kind of a ritual. My ex believed in magic, so it almost seems fitting to send her a letter this way.

At any rate burning it is much better idea than sending it and opening Pandora's Box. And it should still bring me some closure. I know it will.

Day 27

Things are going slow. Almost to slow. There is still some anxiety left but most of it has vented some time ago. I'm at peace now, at least more than I've been in the long time. When I lay to sleep or I go for long walk my thoughts are all over the place and cannot converge into one coherent pattern, which is a good thing. I am worried only when I cannot stop thinking about one particular thing. A wide range of things is fine for mine hyperactive, analytical brain.

Today and yesterday I was talking with two girls I was mentioning before here, in this journal. First, and one I'm more happy about, is my friend's beautiful flatmate. I wrote to her and while nothing happened what I'd like to report we'll be going to the same event next week. I'll do my best to use this opportunity. Even if I ask her out and she refuses (as far as I know her) I would be in this "Oh, it's so sweet but..." kind of way, the only way I've ever been happy to be rejected in. And if she agrees... well, there must come a day when I shout "****ing DMSI", right?

Second one is worse, much worse. Don't wanna talk much about it other than one thing. When I wrote to her she didn't say "Hi" or something, she outright said she wants to kill herself. I don't know about you but I've never had anyone say it to me so bluntly and straight-forwardly. I don't know if she trusts me or she talk with everyone about it. I still find it so strange... Also it's sad that kind, pretty and quite smart girl has issues like that and you don't even suspect that. Sure, she had some mild neurosis, but given her background I'd almost expect that.

The Russian I went out with on V-Day told me she wanted to off herself too. We bonded over the mutual struggle with it throughout our lives. Not the best way to spend a date, and it certainly didn't help make things sexy.

I talked to my social skills coach about it, he says it's prolly that I'm giving off something that makers people trust me, but that I need to have clear boundaries in that regard.

He says there's nothing wrong with wanting to f*ck the girl and having her either play ball or get out. It's not up to us to be her therapist.

(03-29-2017, 08:42 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]The Russian I went out with on V-Day told me she wanted to off herself too. We bonded over the mutual struggle with it throughout our lives. Not the best way to spend a date, and it certainly didn't help make things sexy.

I talked to my social skills coach about it, he says it's prolly that I'm giving off something that makers people trust me, but that I need to have clear boundaries in that regard.

He says there's nothing wrong with wanting to f*ck the girl and having her either play ball or get out. It's not up to us to be her therapist.

Well, first of all don't stick into a crazy. I've learnt that the hard way.

Secondly I'm not sure if I understand you correctly but it sounds like you consider only having contact with females to have sex. I can feel sorry for her and want to help her as simply her friend. And as long as I don't feel used it's perfectly fine. You learn a lot of humility hearing stories like hers.

I'm sorry if I offend you and understood you wrong, but if you consider meeting with women with issues just to f*ck them you've got some serious issues right there. Do I want her? Sure, but I would not "have her either play ball or get out" unless she would start teasing me or using me.

(03-29-2017, 11:21 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-29-2017, 08:42 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]The Russian I went out with on V-Day told me she wanted to off herself too. We bonded over the mutual struggle with it throughout our lives. Not the best way to spend a date, and it certainly didn't help make things sexy.

I talked to my social skills coach about it, he says it's prolly that I'm giving off something that makers people trust me, but that I need to have clear boundaries in that regard.

He says there's nothing wrong with wanting to f*ck the girl and having her either play ball or get out. It's not up to us to be her therapist.

Well, first of all don't stick into a crazy. I've learnt that the hard way.

Secondly I'm not sure if I understand you correctly but it sounds like you consider only having contact with females to have sex. I can feel sorry for her and want to help her as simply her friend. And as long as I don't feel used it's perfectly fine. You learn a lot of humility hearing stories like hers.

I'm sorry if I offend you and understood you wrong, but if you consider meeting with women with issues just to f*ck them you've got some serious issues right there. Do I want her? Sure, but I would not "have her either play ball or get out" unless she would start teasing me or using me.

Of course I felt sorry for her. Like I said, we bonded over the suicide thing because I myself have wanted to commit suicide but I tried to show her how you can overcome it. At the same time: I'm not her therapist, so it's not appropriate first date stuff to talk about.

The way I see it: what's wrong with having a fling? We can both take our minds off whatever shit we've been through in the past.

(03-29-2017, 08:42 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]The Russian I went out with on V-Day told me she wanted to off herself too.

I guess the 50 caliber jammed on you that time

(03-29-2017, 02:05 PM)Sickologist Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-29-2017, 08:42 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]The Russian I went out with on V-Day told me she wanted to off herself too.

I guess the 50 caliber jammed on you that time

Lol, I don't get it. o.O