Day 14
@
4Kingdoms
I wouldn't say I'm at peace exactly, Il feel better and better each week from my winter depression/anxiety spree but I still have some issues. And it shows when something doesn't really go my way and my expectations are not met. But while in the past I would stress out over it and be anxious until I did (assuming I could do) something about it, now I do it all calmly and systematically. I know that while there are and there will be setbacks I'm going in the right directions. It might not be straight path, but I keep my azimuth. Not to mention if I was to stray I would know I fight to get back on track.
I do have IDGAF attitude but only towards certain things. Those I consider of no importance in the long run. It's hard to explain but I feel like I know which things to stress about and which I might be concerned about but I should not be losing my sanity over them. In the past I would often do the opposite, when I cared about trivia while important stuff was left neglected.
I also feel like my subconscious finally becomes my ally instead of my enemy. Don't get me wrong, I still do sabotage myself from time to time and realize it only later on. But for most times I start to finally trust my instincts and my feelings. If anything I truly like this version of DMSI for that alone.
Day 16
It's been a bad day, lots of anxiety and anger. Not sure where it came from, but I hope it will go away soon.
Day 17
I don't like to talk about dreams here because I have so many and they are so random, but I want to mention this one. For some reason I was dreaming about my old classmate from High School which except for one random chance encounter I haven't seen in 5 years. Funnily enough when I woke up I was having problem recalling her name and it took me half a minute to somehow remind myself of it.
She was very intelligent and elegant girl and last time I saw her she was pretty much the same. If for whatever coincidence I will meet her I will be shocked and awed to my core.
Day 18
I seriously start thinking about starting my private dream journal, while I not necessarily remember them I do remember certain people I know. And most times they are not those I would expect. I don't remember last time I dreamed about my ex and about my sweetheart at the very beginning of this run. At the same time (as I mentioned before) yesterday I dreamed about my high school classmate and today about my female friend.
And I do want to talk about her more. During last fall she was helping me a lot with conversation, advice and simple listening to me while I was fighting with my ex. Her patience then and certain evening when she was giving me "**** me" signals brought me to believe she's in love with me, but 2 months ago when I confronted her over it she denied. Now she avoids me for some reason, claims she is depressed and is not in a mood for socializing, but I know she lies because I met her today on the street with 2 guys going somewhere. I'm not interested in her sexually so I'm not jealous or anything like that. But I am disappointed in her because she used to be person I would confide with and I knew I can always count on her, and now whenever I want to reach out to her I get nothing.
This brings me 2 conflicting emotions. On the one hand I am angry and I want to throw her out of my life because right now I'm just wasting my time reaching out to her. On the other hand I have a lot of respect for her and I know something is up and I'd love to help her out. Sadly she won't tell me anything. To make matters worse I fear I might be the source of her problem and that brings guilt. When I think of her whether I am pissed or sorry for her depends on the music playing in my earbuds at the time.
She's not the only person to avoid me while I try to reach out to them. But she's the only one I feel guilt over it, like it's my fault even though it probably has nothing to do with me.
Lastly I met up with my old pal from High School, saw him for the first time in 5 years. His girlfriend was with him. Had great time. Conversation went smooth for me with both of them. For some reason he would pay for my beers (getting stuff for free, yeah) even though I never asked him to do that. We agreed to meet again somewhere around Easter.
Day 19
The spring is upon us, hurrah!
Today I had a dream about a random girl again. I was dreaming about my friend's roommate. Guess what? He wrote to me while I was sleeping and he invited me to the party where she apparently will be in. It really starts to amaze me. I'd love to see something coming out of it today. Will keep you posted.
I call those dreams but it's not entirely true. After I wake up I tend to lay for 20-30 minutes in this shallow sleep state and this is when it happens. It's not that I dream about a given person, it's more like I have this person somewhere in the back of my head when I wake up. Feeling quite similar to when you forgot to take something and you have no idea what, but you have a vague clue. Same here, I don't know why I was thinking/dreaming about a given person, I just know I did.
Day 19 update
So I went to the party and I just came back home. It was shorter than I expected because it was middle of the week and everyone has classes or job early next day. There were 6 people in total, 3 guys and 3 girls. None of them was really giving me any IoIs but that girl I was dreaming about as I mentioned earlier was giving me the most. Sadly there was no occasion for any privacy or even 1-to-1 conversation. At the farewell she was the only one to want to hug me and I embraced her a bit harder. Funnily enough she sighed at that, almost like was something sweet for me to do. Except for her and my friend who invited me everyone was ghosting me I think. As I was not interested in any other female out there it shows sniper might have been doing something.
My verdict in scale 1 to 10 is we'll see. She's so damn beautiful I'd love to do more with her. Time will tell. I won't be losing any sleep about that though.
I decided to cut ties with that friend I mentioned earlier. I was sick of her attitude towards me. I don't feel well about it as it's clear to me she has issues and only I know how much I wanted to be a friend for her just as she was for me back during my wars with my ex. But she mistreats me no matter how much I want to reach out to her and that is unacceptable for me right now. It wasn't the right decision, it wasn't decision I am pride of, but it was a necessary one if I am to respect myself.
If in the future she wakes up and apologizes I will forgive her. If she asks for help I will help her. But none of this will ever come out of my own initiative.
Day 20
Today's dream was an uneasy one. I was robbed and while I managed to escape without a harm I lost my laptop and I was in dark, unknown district. It made be feel uneasy, especially as I could hear bullies taunting me in the distance. I woke up 3 seconds after I realized it was just a dream and that I am safe. I also remember I had a pleasant, women related dream later that night, but I cannot remember who was it about. It might have been about that girl from yesterday but it's just a guess.
Other than that nothing of importance happened. I do feel a bit down lately due to weather and my foot hurts for some reason but overall I cannot complain. Any sadness and loneliness I feel is outweighed by feeling of hope and being self-assured.
I find it strange that while reading this forum lately many people complain and/or want to switch subs. Usually I would be on the spearhead of this kind of crowd but to be honest I am content with how things are right now. I don't know, maybe I'm not resisting this version as much as previous ones. Anyhow I have no urge to quit, switch subs or anything like that. Like I said before, while this 3.1 doesn't give me any sense of euphoria like 2.4 did, it gives nice feeling of hope and assurance.
Day 21
It's been a rough day. A lot of anxiety and tiredness. I can feel resistance flowing through me and sucking all my strength and I think I know why. On my way to the Uni today I passed some pretty girl who smiled at me and looked at me very kindly. Not much for an IoI but it brought me a lot of guild and shame. I feel like whatever I'll do and whomever I'll meet things will always go to crap.
Part of me thinks that if I jumped right in with DMSI and got chicks left and right this would go away. Simply with experience and ridding myself of scarcity mindset I would grow to be healthy mentally and fulfilled man. But part of me thinks I simply demand too much and every relationship I'll end up in will end in tragedy and heartbreak. It's stupid and wrong like of thinking but this is how I feel now and I simply cannot help it. It's funny how yesterday I was talking about hope and assurance. Now I feel none of it. I feel scared instead.
Scared and lonely and scared of being lonely forever.
Update
I just found this browsing through the forums.
(03-22-2017, 03:37 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ] (03-22-2017, 03:34 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ] (03-22-2017, 03:29 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You know what reversal of intended goal is, right Sarge?
Resistance?
If so I would der why I never had it till recently.
Reversal is the subconscious running screaming in terror from the goal. It only happens when the person is facing something that scares them to death in the script. So either you're being told to deal with some sort of trauma that scares the shit out of you, or you're scared shitless of losing control of the situation and maybe actually executing the program. Which would be happening because the program is becoming more and more powerful.
Well, yeah... That explains a bunch.
Dreams tangent
I was talking about my dream for some time now as every day I would wake up thinking about some particular girl. As far as I can say only one girl repeated and it was twice in a row. Other than that it all seems random and uncorrelated.
I didn't mention it in the last post but today I dreamed about probably the first girl I fell in love with. She was also the last one not to know I existed (as loves in junior high tend to be for shy guys I guess) but that is beside the point. What is on the point however is that I didn't stumble upon her or anything like that my old female friend just wrote to me today. Strange things are happening...
The thing is there is some correlations between those dreams and reality but it's hard for me to find exact correlation. For example I met both my female friend and my male friend's roommate unexpectedly the day I dreamed about them (one by chance and another one through invitation) but I didn't meet rest of them. Not to mention nothing really came out of those encounters. And, what is most surprising for me, I didn't dream yet about 2 girls I would certainly dream about if some past issues were to be unearth in me.
I don't know what's going on with those dreams but I know one thing for sure - I do not believe in coincidences.
Day 23
Past couple of days had been... strange. Maybe it's due to the resistance but I feel somehow distant. It's hard to explain.
Recently I said I became fearful again and while it's still true this fear turns slowly into anger. And I do want that to happen. While in fear I am useless, paralyzed. But anger, that is something I can work with. Anger can give me strength to better myself, to fight, to go on. In the past I would wait for sadness and fear to naturally go away. No I want to turn them into fuel. Of course I'd rather be free of both fear and anger but I don't think I can do that.
One thing I was noticing for a while now and I confirmed it yesterday while I went out is that I find wider range of females attractive. I don't think I'm lowering my standards, I'm simply starting to get more open sexually. I think this is the reason why I find more beautiful women in my life - they've been there the entire time, I was just not noticing them.
Is it possible that you're seeing things more accurately instead of lowering your standards?
(03-25-2017, 02:18 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Is it possible that you're seeing things more accurately instead of lowering your standards?
That is exactly what I meant
(03-25-2017, 09:34 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 23
I don't think I'm lowering my standards, I'm simply starting to get more open sexually. I think this is the reason why I find more beautiful women in my life - they've been there the entire time, I was just not noticing them.
And even if it is a rhetorical question I will still bother to answer. Yes, it is possible!
(03-25-2017, 03:22 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ] (03-25-2017, 02:18 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Is it possible that you're seeing things more accurately instead of lowering your standards?
That is exactly what I meant
(03-25-2017, 09:34 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 23
I don't think I'm lowering my standards, I'm simply starting to get more open sexually. I think this is the reason why I find more beautiful women in my life - they've been there the entire time, I was just not noticing them.
And even if it is a rhetorical question I will still bother to answer. Yes, it is possible!
Currently wearing my contact lenses. They reverse my nearsightedness, so I have to hold my phone at arms length to see it. Apparently even then I can't see for shyte. I read "I think I'm lowering my standards." Guess I'll have to wait until I get home from eating to read the forum.
Day 24
Good to see Shannon is just a human sometimes
I felt quite an euphoria today. It wasn't as strong as with 2.4 where I would laugh to myself seeing the snow falling (man, was that beautiful!) but still the most powerful one with 3.1. It wasn't feeling like I was on drugs this time though. It was like I was falling in love, only with no one in particular. Like I was falling in love with some abstract concept. Did you ever love someone I forgave them something terrible just because of love? That is the best comparison I can come up with. And I think I know why it suits.
But before I will explain I want to point out something. It might sound strange but I don't think I deserved it. I mean before I would get those highs when I was doing something with myself. This time however I wasted last couple of days doing little useful stuff. If anything it seems I was going backwards for some time and so I felt bad. I'd deserve feeling good if I had moved my ass and do something useful, but no. I didn't. Also these past days went by so fast and seem to be impossibly long at the same time.
What I did was simple. I went for a walk yesterday and as always I let my thoughts flow. At some point I started to think about my ex. Last few months I would either try to kill those thoughts or they would turn into anger and accusations. "You killed this love" or "You wasted it all" I thought attacking her. But this time I started to converse with her. No anger, no love, only some kindness and human empathy. And during this inside me conversation I said something that shocked my core. "I never loved you. I loved version of you you made me believe in. Version I wanted to believe in."
Don't get me wrong, I knew this, but I would rather throw all the blame for my relationship's failure on her. Now I acknowledged it was my fault as much as hers and it was never meant to work. It's funny how you know something but still you will do all sorts of mental gymnastics not to accept it. Anyhow that kind of liberated me and today I had opportunity to think more about it. And the more I did the less anger there was in me. Replaced with self-forgiveness. With love.
Right now I'm thinking about writing a letter to her. It would be a very long letter. I want to give myself some time to think if I really wanna do it, but I feel this might bring me closure. Or at least some of it. I will do it strictly for myself, I don't really care if she reads it. And I don't want to regain contact with her. But writing all I feel right now would give me much good. If I decide to write it I will probably do it on April 1st. Prima Aprilis seems like a great time to do it but also I will go to my parents' for the weekend so I know I will have peace and quite to do so.
If this is the healing working then it did more that previous versions or AM ever could. And I appreciate that. And also Beacon Balls™ came back during my loops, if only at 40% of their total capacity