Subliminal Talk

Day 33

I wasn't supposed to past an update today but I've been writing long and obnoxious essays lately bringing little to the table other than my random musings, so I might do so I might do this today as well

First of all I love it how many people are going to try version B. Go ahead lads, I'm gonna watch you try it out and follow your lead should you succeed. If you don't... well, I wish you all the luck regardless. I will stick with A for some time, I know I need a lot of healing.

I read on hunk's journal and it got me into thinking. Why is it that I do seem to get some results here and there but nothing tangential? The thing is all the girls I'm describing on this journal have one or more "buts" (with one "t") attached to their name in my mind. This one is nice and talk to me about her menstrual period but had boyfriend and is suicidal. That one is great but is my friend's flatmate and dating her might bring all sort of drama. And that one is even better but she lives far away and long distance relationship is questionable for me.

As you can see none of them is perfect. The is always some "but" that comes into play and I wonder if that screw up everything now. I might try to change my mindset a little, ignore those but and try anyway. This however will lead to suboptimal results. Why would I get into long distance relationship when in month or two I might find some just as great and near me? I would be either force to break up, causing unnecessary drama, or skip on a better deal.

I know you will say don't get into relationship and just enjoy but I will treat all the women I date like human being deserve to. Neither of them would be fine with me screwing them and some other at the same time for this reason or another. If I ever meet a girl who would be fine with that then sure, all is in the game.

Let me give you an example of my mixed results from today. I was doing creative visualization on that long distance relationship girl. No particular reason why on her, I just do it to the one I "feel" the most at the time. Anyhow after I finished she texted me and we started talking a bit. At the same time though conversation didn't really go well and she wouldn't really contribute to it. She contacted me but then nothing. WTF

It's disappointing as while you feel you are slowly going somewhere in the long run in the short run it feels more like one step forward and two steps back. In reality it's more like two steps forward and one step back but you don't remember those forward steps as much as back ones. I wish some big breakthrough would happen, that opportunity would come so great that if it was to fail I would have only myself to blame. \But nothing really comes like that. Only teases, as if the Universe wanted to show me the glimpses while denying me the real thing.

I said it before and it bears repeating - I should wait and work on myself right now. If there is a blockage in me that prevents me from moving forward it's my responsibility and my responsibility only. I just wish I knew more on what is going on and how DMSI is working its magic. I feel like a poker player who not only doesn't know his opponents cards, but only cannot see their faces and cannot see his own cards! I walk around blindly instead, winning something out of sheer luck and law of great numbers but it feels I cannot do anything to control what is going on.

[EDIT]
I almost forgot. I didn't have those dreams about girls for some time now but today I had such a dream. I was on a date with Chloë Grace Moretz of all people We were sitting in the restaurant, our legs nad hands touching talking about some stuff. She didn't contact me though, I call BS on that!

She contacted you because you focused your mind and energy on her and she sensed it. She was "answering your call", but may not have been in the mood to talk. When you do that, call someone else (on the phone or otherwise) you have to have a reason for doing so or it doesn't work well.

Quote:I wish some big breakthrough would happen, that opportunity would come so great that if it was to fail I would have only myself to blame. \But nothing really comes like that. Only teases, as if the Universe wanted to show me the glimpses while denying me the real thing.

I think if you replace "universe" with "my subconscious self", you would be a lot more accurate.

(04-04-2017, 02:40 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]She contacted you because you focused your mind and energy on her and she sensed it. She was "answering your call", but may not have been in the mood to talk. When you do that, call someone else (on the phone or otherwise) you have to have a reason for doing so or it doesn't work well.

Okay, so basically you tell me I might be screwing with her head for no good reason? Some inception shit right there. I wonder if with enough exposure something more might come out of it? I would ask if that is ethical but I've read way too much on the subject to worry about it. She has free will after all.

There is a person that I could do something similar quite easily - you guessed it, my ex. Come to think of it it might be the (or at least one of the) reason why she's always promise change and claim how much she loves me, but reverting on those promises very soon. Anyhow that was my ex, person I was close to, I knew her smell and taste and I could imagine it all plain as day. Also she would be trying magic herself, casting curses on others in high school brought (according to her) lots of bad karma. I was calling it self-fulfilling prophecy though.

(04-04-2017, 02:40 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

Quote:I wish some big breakthrough would happen, that opportunity would come so great that if it was to fail I would have only myself to blame. \But nothing really comes like that. Only teases, as if the Universe wanted to show me the glimpses while denying me the real thing.

I think if you replace "universe" with "my subconscious self", you would be a lot more accurate.

Good insight. I wonder what "my subconscious self" is so scared of that it is wetting its toes in the pool but won't jump into it. Only more the reasons to stay with A.

Day 34

Not a boring day with DMSI, let me tell you that.

First of I went to my friend's to have some fun and do some man stuff. I was hoping his flatmate I'm into would be in there, but she wasn't. Not a big deal, it wasn't meant to be apparently. It's not like I wanted to make a move on her just yet, I just wanted to gauge her attitude towards me. I'll do this another time though

Also I met that female friend of mine. The one who was mistreating me and I cut her off because of that. In fact I invited her for a event and didn't expect she'd come, but she did. I wanted to show her I don't hate her or anything like that. I just will not allow anyone to mistreat me again. After the whole thing she asked me to hug her which I did while saying "You know I'm still mad at you, right?". Then she said I look great or something like that and conversation went into more general topics. She wanted to meet me up later today but I had plans already so we scheduled for the next week.

She is not into me my ass!

The sad thing is that beta me would go crazy over her. Current me however just doesn't see anything in her. I can do so much better than her. She's like completely asexual to me and she well knows this. That makes me pity her. There is voice in me saying that if there ever was a justice in this world I would give her a chance. But it's simply impossible for me with no attraction. I know nice guys would often say looks are not everything but those are important. Sure, perhaps not THE MOST important, but important nonetheless. And she's not even ugly girl, she's just... asexual. It's so hard to explain.

Day 35

Not a boring day with DMSI.

Long distance relationship candidate broke with her boyfriend today and spared no time to inform me about it. Also she's coming to my city next week and immediately accepted my offer for going out for a beer. She made that decision spontaneously

You didn't expect such a short update, didn't you

Day 37

It's been a strange day. Not a boring one though, as there is not a boring day with DMSI.

First of all it was break of a 6 day long no fap streak (longest since I remember!) and funnily enough I wasn't even trying to score it. I swear if I did I would brag about it. Instead I simply kept going and last night got so horny I almost couldn't sleep. Only then did I realize my feat

Thing I'd like to note is that I kind of felt the sexual energy in me due to no fap but it wasn't helping. If anything it was dumping me. Creative visualizations I made today were order of magnitude more powerful than those yesterday. I don't know, perhaps I don't know how to use this kind of energy or I'm not used to have large amounts of it. Anyhow I'm better of having some of it but never overflowing with it.

Lots of resistance throughout today and yesterday as well. I think I can pinpoint the cause. It's that long distance relationship candidate. The closer there is to me meeting her and the more probable it is that she is indeed sniped or manifested or something the more scared my subconscious is. Some of the fears are reasonable, for example that I am not meant for long distance relationships or that she just broke off with her boyfriends and is emotionally vulnerable. Other, like "I do not deserve girl like her" should burn to ashes in flames of DMSI.

Look, my subconscious might be scared but here is the truth. If she is sniped or manifested or whatever I will get her and nothing will stop me. If I will be as alpha as I was when I was getting my ex no force, no fear, shame nor guilt will stop me. And if she's not manifested then simply nothing will come out of it. There will be no IoIs, she will respond negatively to my playful suggestions and we'll still be friends.

Whatever will happen it's my responsibility. If I manifested her and I couldn't make this work in prospect of the next months it's my fault, not DMSI's or anything else's. And I will not avoid that responsibility because of fear.

Day 38

Not a boring day with DMSI. I'd just wish some were more optimistic.

A short preface first. This is gonna be one of those long posts so brace yourself. Also I'm writing this while everything is still fresh in my head, it's very likely that if I were to write later today this would look very different. Anyhow let's go!

Long distance relationship candidate is out. I've been pretty much cucked. She went to the party yesterday and apparently found herself guy to cheer her up after her break-up. Now, as she's not "that kind of girl" and he's very into her she wants to be with her. So yeah.

It's just so... disappointing. I know I wrote a couple of updates back how I don't expect any of my currents female friends to work out for me, I know. But stars seemed to align with this one. Something seems so damn wrong right now. I don't believe, I refuse to believe in concept of coincidence but I don't yet understand what all of this means. There is too much to ignore and yet reading too much into this is folly.

I feel angry. At myself, not at her. Yesterday I wrote how she must be emotionally vulnerable and how I don't want to take advantage of her. Well, someone else took advantage and didn't felt any guilt This shows how stupid and naive I am when it comes to women. I still have this "white knight" outlook for then that even my b**ch ex couldn't kill. All the cynicyzm I project serve to preserve this feel and Universe (or my subconscious self) proves me time and again this is complete BS. I wrote how she was one of three women that made me believe all red pill's bitterness towards women is void. Well, only two remain

I feel sad. Whenever I feel like I'm doing well with some girl and she starts to get within my reach it just goes away. Do you know "Never Never" by The Assembly? Yeah, it's this kind of sadness. Feeling of overwhelming powerlessness. All this talk how I should focus on myself and just see what future might bring? Yeah, it all stems from this feeling. It easily goes to "why bother" kind of feeling but thankfully I can easily kill it. There is too much anger in me to sit idly.

Do you wanna hear the funniest thing for me right now? If when I meet with her and she gives me signs I will be ruthless. I will take advantage of the "vulnerable" girl. Why shouldn't I? Why should I ever again play the White Knight? I will never get into long distance relationship with her but casual sex? Sure! She has a boyfriend? Well, I'm not jealous Of course if she doesn't make a move then we'll be just friends. I have no problems being her friend as long as she doesn't play me. We'll see.

If I were to guess why all this BS is happening I would say I really need to stop my white knight routine. It's this type of social programming that is so deep in my head that it is no matter how many times I'll be proven wrong because I'll stick to it as if my life depended on it. Who knows, maybe I'm just overreacting or trying to make sense off of a mess that makes none. But there is simply too much data to ignore. When you tried something all your life and fail the whole time perhaps it's time for a major shift.

I feel like there is another page or so for me to write but I simply don't know how to put it all into words. I feel such a superposition of emotions right now it's indescribable. Is the DMSI working or not? Is my subconscious screwing my results or trying to tell me something? How bad am I really screwed in my head? Only next weeks or months while I keep up with the sub will bring me the answers.

Chance is but a name for Law not recognized.

Paradigm conflict brings high contrast and change. DMSI is changing your core programming.

(04-09-2017, 11:06 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Paradigm conflict brings high contrast and change. DMSI is changing your core programming.

My thoughts exactly. I am anticipating this kind of paradigm shift for some time already. I'm just never able or willing to pass through it. If all that crazy stuff that is going on with that girl is some kind of manifestation of necessity of said shift I'm glad because one learns best through experience. Her being proven to be just another "not like that" girl will be quite a game changer in my inner dialogue.

Day 38 update

Emotions calmed down significantly. It's a good thing as it means it was only temporary and my emotions came back to this meta-stable equilibrium. Anger is still quite present but sadness is replaced by this feeling of possibility I was describing before. It means I'm back on track for whatever future might bring.

Still the whole day proved to be quite unproductive but certainly not wasted. I needed some time and I took it, learning quite a lot about myself and other things.

Day 40

Yesterday was not a boring day. I hope today will be though.

I feel I just need a rest. Not from the sub as it is, just a chaos all around me. I could go to my parents' for the Easter already but I don't wanna. If I go I won't be able to meet that girl and while sex is probably out of the question with this one I'm still curious how our chemistry will go and simply spend some time with old friend I haven't seen in a long while. Like, you know, normal human being do I really should look less at everything through sexual/DMSI angle.

My best friend's flatmate wrote to me yesterday and said she won't be texting with me because apparently she found herself a boyfriend and wants to be fair with him. I have no idea how texting with me is unfair, I didn't ask her out or try to escalate but sure. It didn't move me one bit but it's just so damn strange. I don't really remember the last time someone was jealous of me...

EDIT

One more thing worth noting. Recently I was playing around with horoscopes, tarot and similar stories online. Silly games, it's worth doing it just to see how you can word ideas so that they fit to as many situations as possible. Mind games aside I run some of those and funnily enough most of them show some coherent message! Don't wanna share what that is and even if it was all bogus made by random number generator it still gives me quite optimistic outlook

Day 45

Happy Easter, everybody! Easter is such a fun holiday, it's a shame (or a blessing) it's not full of commercialism like Christmas is.

Anyhow things are going slow. No results to really talk about but it's hard to have any when all you do is spend time with your family. Quite some resistance but again, I always do get resistance when I slack instead of doing something useful with my life.

I'm gonna start posting regular updates once I get back to the city. There might be some interesting developments in the future and I especially wait for next Sunday. For now though I'm going to eat some of my mama's cakes

Day 47

Not a short day with DMSI. Nor a boring one I guess

It really depends on what you mean by "boring". If for you boring == uneventful (eventless? there should be word like that!) that it was boring. I wouldn't call it boring though. For two things.

First one, out of the bat. I played a game on my phone, one of those "conversation role-playing" games. I brought me a lot of emotions at first, writing was so good I was almost reliving my relationship with my ex. But later on I understood that it was just an exercise in justification of friendzone. I don't know how to explain this, you should play it yourself I guess, but take home message of the game was not to be needy and to love in platonic way.

The thing about it is that there are a lot of signs around me telling me I should learn to to love in platonic way. And while in some situations it is fine in some it is not. When someone is your friend, be it male or female, family or stranger, platonic love is fine. But when you reach out to someone and you get teased and not given a chance it is not fine at all! I don't remember when was the last time I was in such a situation, I simply get rejected because I'm unwilling to accept any and all forms of friendzone, but I saw it first-hand as my friend was trying to break out and failed.

That game made me almost wish I could turn back time. 10 hours later I laugh at that concept.

Second thing will probably take another update, so stay tuned for tomorrow Daily updates are back!

Day 48

This is time for a reset. To start anew, rise from the ashes of yesteryear.

Kind of at least. As I wrote before I spend this Easter at my parents', similarly to how I spend last Christmas. The difference between the two was that while in the winter this stay made me depressed and pretty much useless, the spring made me motivated. Ergo it's time for a reset. Without scorching the earth or anything like that, just to forgive myself and go on with newly found strength.

I almost want to put two dates in my journal now. I will not switch the sub or the version as I'm sticking to DMSI 3.1A till new version is out. But something has chances over past days. I feel like I went full circle on the sub and came back to the place I was at the beginning of this run. All chances I had I either ruined (consciously or not) or were just a mirage to begin with. All mayor milestones I seem to gained these past week kinda proved not that big of a deal. I mean I'm still bitter over my ex and I'm still in this white knight mindset. Nihil sub sole novum it seems.

Bet something did change! These past 7 weeks were not wasted. Back then I felt like I was playing poker and not only I didn't know my foes' cards, I didn't know my own. Now... I still don't know my hand, but I can see those cards. There are blurred, I'm unsure if I hold King or Jack, Hearts of Diamonds. But at least I know something. This run so far was full of surprises, unexpected events and failures. Possibility made me... needy. They made expectations, and those expectations killed any opportunity I had. I'm wiser now. I will play my cards, or at least try to. I will not play on the luck alone.

I started to get these strong feeling in me. I can only attribute those to DMSI finally breaking through my deepest resistance. Those feeling really make me wanna lose weight, learn more, go on instead of running away, stop smoking, go full NoFap. I always had those but they would go away as soon as they came. Now they linger much longer. Accompanied by anger and forgiveness, in strange and unlikely superposition. I'm just so tired of giving up!

For example, and I find this funny, I really want to shave now. I am quite a animal for a couple of years you see, I hate shaving. I asked 3 girls, my female friend and two of the girls I used to write about on there very pages, if I should do it or not. Send them my before and after photos. All of them said I look better with beard! And still, while in the past opinion of just one of them would be enough sway me, I want to start shaving regularly regardless. This might be because beard reminds me of my ex (she loved viking types) or maybe because beard reminds me of depression. Or maybe I'm sick of "female friend advice" and I know I cannot trust people who say what a great guy while I suffer chronic loneliness. But then why did I bother to ask them? I don't know, I simply wrote to them without much thought Anyhow, for whatever reason, I have this in me and it doesn't want to go away.

I don't promise I will do all of those things. Or stop them, you catch my meaning. That would be only hurtful as I concentrate on too many things. "If you chase two rabbits, you will lose them both." So I don't say I'm going NoFap start today or I will never buy myself a beer to go to sleep more easily. But I will use the heck out of this motivation. If it stops, damn, back to slow grind. If not however I may actually be getting somewhere.

Also I find this astonishing that only 7 weeks had passed. This day alone feels like a week. Time before Easter feels like a month ago. Start of this run feels like a year or two! I have no idea what is going on with my sense of time. For me time free of obligations (like this Easter kinda was, spend on meditation and drinking with family) would always go extremely fast. Summer holidays would be gone in like a 2 or 3 weeks, Christmas in like 2. When each day is the same it's hard to differentiate days, they all look, smell and taste the same. Now every day is different and so time seems to flow slooooooowly.

Not a boring day with DMSI, amarite?

Day 49

Quite a boring day with DMSI.

I met no one, nobody wrote to me... Boring. I saw quite a lot of IoIs on the streets, do doubt result of my recent shaving practices, but nothing interesting happened :/ It's a shame, it's the first boring day while in the city in some time now.

The only thing worth mentioning was that I got extremely emotional during and after my creative visualizations. It made me go through quite a lot of emotional left-overs and I think it's a good thing. It's a theme here that for the healing to happen all that crap must resurface and I was not holding it down today.

IDGAF aptitude is strong but I'm not sure if it's the right word for it. It's more tiredness resulting from all those past opportunities not paying off. Thankfully internal motivation is still strong and it's good to see some serious internal results even in absence of external ones.

I have a feeling something is coming up, I just don't know when. It's a strange feeling, like my subconscious is anticipating something. And it wants me to be ready. We'll see.