(04-22-2017, 06:48 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]I've hit elders extremely hard. I'm worried I might cause them to stroke out.
As for your latest post, it sounds encouraging. Can I take it to mean you are entertaining the idea of getting some tail "on the side"?
This is me, laid out like a book (bear w/ me) :
On the outside, when you first meet me, I come across as stoic, friendly, professional, but not very open. I'll ask about you, but give little away about me. You'd come away thinking, "Man, I really like him!" but you'd leave with a proper handshake, not a hug.
As comfort increases, and friendship grows, there's lots of humor and fun along the way. I still won't share very much (unless you're one of the rare highly-compatible people with me), but you'll feel comfortable and likely share something. I'm encouraging, your biggest cheerleader, and if you do end up sharing problems, I can be very empathetic.
Meanwhile, inside, I'm pretty happy in-the-moment in the company of others, but alone, I tend to become brooding - always analyzing my thoughts and feelings. Alone, watching emotional movies, I cry easily. I like feeling, it makes me feel more alive. If I'm watching with friends or family, you likely won't see a tear, or I'll hide it. I'm light and dark. I feel the highest optimistic highs, and the lowest, darkest lows. Everything about me is intense, which you won't see unless you live with me. I can't hide it that long at home, but I try (by distracting my mind with internet/television/books) - I feel intensely 24/7.
There have been some who have got to see my nasty side. I have boundaries - cross them, and the look I give alone would make some people take a dump right there. They are so surprised and shocked by what they see, they are 9/10 times no longer in my life after that. My wife, family, and best friends have been exceptions. I intuitively know where your deepest insecurities lie, and I can push your hot-button and ruin your world in a second flat. I can also, on-the-other-hand, be completely ego-less when I know I'm wrong, apologize selflessly, and be the most forgiving person (if you ask, or are apologetic, anyway).
I have mental fantasies and thoughts that don't match my outside world, or accurately represent the person I come across as. I come across (usually) as safe, friendly, a "good guy," but independent, opinionated, and self-sustaining (IOW, I don't *need* anyone or anything, and absolutely have zero tolerance for strings & manipulation). Meanwhile, while appearing to be the "good guy," my thoughts will veer toward morally-questionable fantasies (sexually, anyway). I used to totally have the White Knight "High Morals" mentality, but all it ever did was hurt me, reveal how beta I was, and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth about how wrong I was about a great many things. Even so, I've never - never - crossed any boundaries (when it comes to cheating, anyway). In the past, I've hidden things I've deemed safe and positive for myself, but knowing others "wouldn't understand" I kept whatever that was from them. I don't think of this as "lying," instead I think of it in the same way as if it would be weird for anyone to go up to a complete stranger and offer very personal information and saying
that's "being honest."
To give an example, my wife has no idea that I used different types of smokeless tobacco products throughout our entire relationship. I had quit smoking cigarettes years before we met, and I was open and honest about having smoked and even about experiment with LSD and Shrooms (for "mind expansion/creativity-enhancement). She was fine with all that. It was only recently that she caught me using Snus, which she thought was a "new" thing. In reality, this has been a start/stop thing for a long time (usually I'm NOT doing it, I'd use nicotine for a month, then quit for 8 months type-of-thing). Her jaw would be on the floor if she knew I'd been using any sort of nicotine product that long (10+ years, and 8+ w/out getting caught by her?). Hell, this is the first time any of YOU are finding out (but then again, you don't live with me, lol). She also never had an idea of the extent to which I'd drink when she left for work (which, I'm happy to say, doesn't happen much - if at all - anymore). Like many who drink too much, I'd drink to mask the negative feelings - a band-aid at best. DMSI, while at times has pushed me to drink more, has largely helped me overcome that bad habit. I felt these were personal issues, personal choices, and it was my business alone. I'm not sure where I would define the boundary of what's my business and when it's the business of others - but it's usually when other people are affected. Otherwise, I prefer not to burden people with my bullshit.
Another example is using anabolic steroids. I had researched the "safest" cycles, supplements to keep blood pressure/liver values normal, and proper post-cycle therapy to ensure quick recovery of my HPTA (Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Testicular Axis - must have worked, as I have fathered two children effortlessly). I was tired of dieting to lose my love handles and ending up looking too skinny, back-and-forth getting fat, getting skinny, and used being "safe" and looking good for "my job," as an excuse to use them. In the meantime, I enjoyed every bit of attention I received at the pool. But, my close friends and NO family members know. This community and the pheromone community are the only people I've shared that with. In fact, only my wife and the online community knows I've ever used pheromones, and only my wife, a few select friends, and my immediate family knows I use subs. None of them know I'm using DMSI, specifically.
So, where is all this going? There is a face I wear, and then there is the deepest, truest, most honest "me." No one knows "me," but "me." I've never found a person like me who'd I'd trust with "me." No one who'd understand, no one who'd "get it." This leaves me feeling very alone at times. I'd prefer to hide this "me" and not deal with the fallout and/or judgement of "trying to get people to understand."
If I could have tail "on-the-side," and zero consequences, then yes - I'd go for it. That's the honest answer. It'd be "for me," and not "against her." I love my wife. Sex just isn't her thing, and I've long ago forgiven her for that. It's not personal, it's just the way she's built. But, I know there'd be consequences. I'd get caught somehow, and I don't want to hurt my wife or my children. I couldn't do anything to negatively affect our lives with
permanence. So, I run DMSI, because it entertains my fantasies while having the potential to heal whatever dark fantasies I've been carrying around for a LONG time. I honestly want to RID myself of these desires, and
all the dark shit that plagues me. That's why I've run E2, and like I just said, why I'm running DMSI.
Is there a part of me that wants all my fantasies offered to me on a silver platter? Yes. Will I ACTUALLY do anything with it? No, very, very unlikely because I have people I love DEEPLY that I don't want to affect negatively, and I don't think I can hide those activities (to keep them SAFE from my "dark side") and I feel I can't be honest b/c - like I said before - I feel like there's no one on the
planet who'd understand and be OK with "the real me." So I'll just deal with this on my own, in the best way I can.
Specifically regarding my SIL, to clear up why I keep talking about her - well, she's my wife's
sister. Most people would agree that it would be totally fucked up to have sex or even entertain sexual thoughts like that - that is a kind of heart ache and destruction that could touch and destroy a LOT of people's lives. Even so, she has dominated my thoughts a lot over the years. It is what it is. When I first met her (9 years ago) I thought to myself, "Well, I'm definitely dating the better looking of the two!" My wife - then girlfriend - often accused me at the beginning of our relationship that I liked her sister better than her. That was weird, because I truly didn't, and I told her as much. But, as the years went by, she got hotter, cuter, and I honestly had more in common with her. Age and logistics kept a relationship with her out of the realm of possibility, not to mention - I LOVE my wife. Like my wife, my SIL is a strong, extremely intelligent, independent woman. She's hot, sexy, and like Shannon says "energy trumps physical beauty." I don't know what it is, but she has the X-factor. Something inside me wants that REALLY bad. The other part of me knows that can NEVER happen. It's the "unstoppable force meets an immovable object," conundrum. I HOPE it happens while equally not WANTING it to happen. I
want to be rid of it. I always think, "Why couldn't I have a fat, stupid SIL that I have nothing in common with!?" But instead, I wish both of them would be open to not only being sisters, but sister-wives!
There's always been an intimacy barrier between us - rarely hug when greeting or parting. I put on my "act professional/appropriate" facade, and she has her own wall up. It drives me crazy, because the "real" me needs her to be comfortable with me enough to come over and lay her head on my shoulder and share her deepest, darkest secrets and intimacies. When I really like someone, I need to feel connected to them. Instead, I know she's only close (like that) with her mom and her husband (though I found out from my MIL that she actually had tried to get me into their wedding as her "bridal assistant [lol]" because she felt she was closer to me than anyone other than her sister - that made me feel pretty good, but she's never said as much to me personally. Her husband nixed that idea, he wasn't having it).
The husband thing drives me nuts, b/c he married up, and she married him because...he's funny sometimes? He does whatever she wants, like a little bitch? He's a nice beta-boy. He's less than good-looking, is inferior genetic stock, can't read or write well (I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand half the vocabulary I use) - he's somewhat "intelligent" in other ways...like building things with tools (which, to me, is akin to a child being good at coloring in a coloring book on the intellectual level - that's why it doesn't interest me at all)...and man, I'm just ranting now (not to mention being an intellectual snob, but hey, that's how I feel about him)! I hate that she chose him. I like him (ironically), and think he's a genuinely kind person, and I wouldn't NOT want him for my brother-in-law - but damn, it also tears me up that she's with him. I definitely see cracks there in their relationship (my MIL thinks they're a match made in heaven *puke*), and perhaps that's why she (my SIL, mind you) is always negging him around me, and giving me IOIs. It's like we both secretly feel the same way, but internally, both of us feel it never will - nor ever should - happen. So, UP go the walls to keep it from
actually happening.
And, that's enough about that. Fuck me. What a brain dump.
Hope that all makes sense, and clears up my thoughts and motivations - even if people don't agree with it, it's as honest as I can be.
Apologies for the book! Hope it was at least a little interesting to read.
