(10-01-2018, 07:24 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I have to let go of all this BS once and for all. I don't know why, but it feels like if I do I'll become some sociopathic narcissist? One of my irrational fears I've had. I think it stems from my identity centered around pleasing others. Like I've always looked to others for the final approval of who I am.
But I need to stop putting others before myself. Even if that makes me look like some selfish jerk in their eyes. I've spent too much of my life not giving myself the attention that I need to grow and thrive.
I need to be stronger, tougher, be secure in who I am and stop letting people destabilize that sense of self. Stop walking through life as this malleable thing others can manipulate. To some degree my self identity is still based around that weak fearful person and I need to let that go and embrace a new self without feeling like I'm being inauthentic or faking it.
I just know I can't live like this anymore. The constant fear, the people who sniff out weakness and take advantage of you, the constant worry of needing to be safe and secure vs thriving and living.
I know exactly what you mean. Recently i had a realization about this too, how much of my life is spent looking for external validation and being manipulative with my "nice guy" mask trying to be spiritual and "helping others. I realized that in reality i am selfish as fuck (as everyone else is) and all i do is for my own benefit, even the nicest and altruistic acts. This gave me fucking FREEDOM, i am more authentic then ever and guess what happened? Nothing. It was all an illusion.
[Edited as per rule 4]
This guy speak the Truth, if you follow what he says, you will gain a freedom that you never thought were possible.
You are NOT a sociopath and the very fact that you are worried about it, proves it. Everybody is extremely selfish on the inside unless you grow yourself spiritually to the highest levels. BUT this is not an excuse to be an asshole, do good IF you want to, not because you expect something in return, even if its a self-image of a "good person".
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Shannon You've definitely got my curiosity. Can't wait for 3.3
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ianmarconi Thanks for sharing your experience. I'll have to take a look at this guy and see what I can get from him. Yes the nice guy mask has been something I've worn for a long time. I think underneath there are some genuinely compassionate traits I have, but it got out of hand at a certain point.
You seem to have a keen sense of understanding people. As if you have a background in psychology. This gives you the advantage to be manipulative, if you wanted to be. You seem to be a kind person, so kind that you're afraid that you will become an abuser if you allow yourself the freedom to say "no" and stop putting other people before you. I think that you're too "educated" in your understanding of people to go from one extreme to the other.
You have to live your life and enjoy it. It's great to be liked and be charismatic, but it's more important to be respected. You can be liked and be respected, but you need to respect yourself enough first for others to respect you. Not everybody is going to like you, that's just part of life. When you are liked because you are sacrificing who you are to please others, you will find that when you stop "helping" them, that some of these people didn't even like you anyway. They were just using you. They will ditch you and find someone else to use. I'd say good ridance!
You seem like a great person. You will never be a sociopath or a narcissit.
Interestingly enough, I have a friend who recently attempted suicide (he's fine now, undergoing therapy and stuff, it seems to be working out well for him; I'll give him some time yet and probably introduce him to Shannon's subs once I feel he's stabilized enough and off any meds, he's almost ready to try these, I think; the 5.5g LTU that's in the works should probably do him good - I don't think he's ready for DMSI, for instance), mentioned in my journal some time back.
One of his therapists gave him the good 'ol "stoic sage" advice of "the fact that you are experiencing a particular emotion does not mean you need to act on it. Act rationally, above emotions" or somesuch, of which he complained to me by saying "but that's, like, turning myself into a psychopath!" (I was like: "a-ha! a classic resistance attempt
") I attempted to explain that it's apples and oranges, and he did seem to get it, or at least consider it.
From other stuff, I had to undergo a similar reevaluation as you are now doing, matt422, and am still in the process of enacting it. It can be difficult at times due to the fact that the "people pleasing" aspect is directly tied to survival (as a little kid you don't stand a chance of surviving on your own, so kids tend to adjust their behavior in many ways to please those around them so that they won't be "left to die", so to speak - and if one were *trained* to act like this "or else bad things will happen", well, it leaves a behavioral imprint), but even the fact of realizing this is a great step forward on the road to awesomeness.
(10-02-2018, 08:56 AM)Infinite Wrote: [ -> ]You seem to have a keen sense of understanding people. As if you have a background in psychology. This gives you the advantage to be manipulative, if you wanted to be. You seem to be a kind person, so kind that you're afraid that you will become an abuser if you allow yourself the freedom to say "no" and stop putting other people before you. I think that you're too "educated" in your understanding of people to go from one extreme to the other.
You have to live your life and enjoy it. It's great to be liked and be charismatic, but it's more important to be respected. You can be liked and be respected, but you need to respect yourself enough first for others to respect you. Not everybody is going to like you, that's just part of life. When you are liked because you are sacrificing who you are to please others, you will find that when you stop "helping" them, that some of these people didn't even like you anyway. They were just using you. They will ditch you and find someone else to use. I'd say good ridance!
You seem like a great person. You will never be a sociopath or a narcissit.
Thanks Infinite, the advice and kind words are much appreciated. It really lifted my mood today when I read it.
(10-02-2018, 10:02 AM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]Interestingly enough, I have a friend who recently attempted suicide (he's fine now, undergoing therapy and stuff, it seems to be working out well for him; I'll give him some time yet and probably introduce him to Shannon's subs once I feel he's stabilized enough and off any meds, he's almost ready to try these, I think; the 5.5g LTU that's in the works should probably do him good - I don't think he's ready for DMSI, for instance), mentioned in my journal some time back.
One of his therapists gave him the good 'ol "stoic sage" advice of "the fact that you are experiencing a particular emotion does not mean you need to act on it. Act rationally, above emotions" or somesuch, of which he complained to me by saying "but that's, like, turning myself into a psychopath!" (I was like: "a-ha! a classic resistance attempt ") I attempted to explain that it's apples and oranges, and he did seem to get it, or at least consider it.
From other stuff, I had to undergo a similar reevaluation as you are now doing, matt422, and am still in the process of enacting it. It can be difficult at times due to the fact that the "people pleasing" aspect is directly tied to survival (as a little kid you don't stand a chance of surviving on your own, so kids tend to adjust their behavior in many ways to please those around them so that they won't be "left to die", so to speak - and if one were *trained* to act like this "or else bad things will happen", well, it leaves a behavioral imprint), but even the fact of realizing this is a great step forward on the road to awesomeness.
Thanks for weighing in on this. I've gotten better at being more non-reactive to my emotions. But it's taken a lot of careful observations and practicing being mindful. Actually I had to learn to accept my emotions first, for a large portion of my life I was quite numb. So when I started paying more attention to them they really came flooding in for me and I wasn't prepared for it. But it's like you said these are very deep behavioral imprints and are very strong instincts.
Ianmarconi remember rule 4 when posting videos.
(10-02-2018, 08:56 AM)Infinite Wrote: [ -> ]You seem to have a keen sense of understanding people. As if you have a background in psychology. This gives you the advantage to be manipulative, if you wanted to be. You seem to be a kind person, so kind that you're afraid that you will become an abuser if you allow yourself the freedom to say "no" and stop putting other people before you. I think that you're too "educated" in your understanding of people to go from one extreme to the other.
You have to live your life and enjoy it. It's great to be liked and be charismatic, but it's more important to be respected. You can be liked and be respected, but you need to respect yourself enough first for others to respect you. Not everybody is going to like you, that's just part of life. When you are liked because you are sacrificing who you are to please others, you will find that when you stop "helping" them, that some of these people didn't even like you anyway. They were just using you. They will ditch you and find someone else to use. I'd say good ridance!
You seem like a great person. You will never be a sociopath or a narcissit.
Such kind words. And this is why I love Infinite
Thanks, you're very sweet. Much love, Ray!
Man today was rough. I'm trying to figure out the best way to get through days like this. Days where I just don't have the concentration to do my job and feeling this sickness in the pit of my stomach that another day has gone by just getting by.
To me I am grateful for this job. And I don't obsess on the negatives. But having gratitude isn't an excuse to stop going after better things. I think deep down inside I know something isn't right or aligned. I'm just having trouble getting there. I've always had this feeling to be honest. Even growing up I watched how everyone else around me went about life and it seemed wrong and limited. But at the same time I fell into the same trap. The cycle continued to me.
I have to say when things get like this it usually means something is around the corner. Meaning I'm getting closer to moving past something. But I was reflecting on my life the other day and I'm envious of people that have had their life neatly lined up. Mines been a mess, which has a ripple effect of messing up my future a bit. It's not even like I went through eventful situations where I overcame something. It was more like I just fucked up really bad in the past and couldn't drag myself out of a self imposed prison. No poverty, no trauma, no terrible parents, nothing, just me mentally causing myself more pain and misery than I needed.
Well I realized something today. As much as this fear sucks. And fear has sucked A TON throughout my life. I have two options. Either face it, overcome it, and get rid of it. Or keep hiding from it and have it continue to screw up my life. Either way I'm always dealing with fear so I might as well pick the option that actually gets rid of it vs keeps it in the background always manipulating me.
One thing I wonder if Shannon addressed in the fear removal. When confronted with fear and the flight instinct kicks in, the perception is you move away from the fear. But really you don't go anywhere. The fear is still there. So while it might seem like an appealing option to run to get away, in the end it doesn't really result in getting away from fear. I just noticed this today, so I suspect Shannon tweaked something to convince the subconscious that running from fear won't actually result in feeling better, so it's more likely to cooperate and face the fear instead.
With that I also realized a lot of the heavy stuff I've been dealing with is all fear related. When you're in the grips of fear your perception is very distorted. I've been focusing too much on trying to change these perceptions without first addressing the fear that holds them in place. And the fear is really strong. Even though I've made a lot of progress these past few years, I feel like within the past few months I've sort of plateaued. I've got a relatively financially stable job and routine that I've settled into, but I really dislike the fact that the thought of moving beyond this fills me with panic and dread. That's not the ideal response to improving my life. Have to work on that one.
Important thing to note about overcoming fear for me. Focusing in on fear too much can cause a feedback loop of fear. While not focusing enough can lead to detachment from it and not facing it. It's a careful balance for me, one I'm still working out.
Just wanted to make a quick note. I've been getting these vivid imaginations as well as tactile sensations of having sex with women. The more I face the fear and stop running, the more frequent these get. It feels like oscillating between two states of being. It feels closer to my reality. Hard to describe, but I think others on the forum can probably relate to that feeling of shifting.
Hung out with friends Friday night. A girl I know also stopped by and was talking about a free group meditation the next day. Talked with her a bit about meditation, it was cool to have an actual face to face conversation with someone about that. Part of me thought about going, but I decided not to. But later on when I got back home I decided I've been doing too much avoiding and this would be good for me so I went. The meditation was a loving kindness meditation, oddly enough exactly what I needed after the past few weeks of treating myself like shit.
Afterwords went out to lunch with another friend of mine and we got to talking about mental illness and struggles in life. He said he knew some good therapists he could give me the contact details for.
At this point I'm anxiously awaiting dmsi 3.3. But despite my growth from it I'm thinking about seeing a therapist just in case I'm not getting the whole picture. I've realized my reluctance to do so is having this faulty belief that I should handle everything on my own. That anything less than that is unacceptable. That if I can't change through subliminals alone and my own will I'm doing something wrong. It's things like this that make my life more complicated than it needs to be and also very difficult to keep on top of because I'm biased.
Yesterday kind of just felt like the domino effect. Like that meditation was something I was supposed to go to in order to start understanding what I'm facing and how to best move past it.
I don't know yet how much more difficult I'm making change for myself vs what is the normal progress. For years I had a lot of magical thinking that if I just ignore all outside evidence of my shortcomings and focused on what I wanted I'd become that. A lot of that was driven by fear because on a subconscious level I knew there was a Pandora's box of stuff inside of me. But the more I ignored stuff, the more delusional I became. Thoughts or emotions that challenged this delusion were met with fear and anxiety vs awareness and knowledge. I guess that's what happens when you read too much fast food self help books and are wrongly informed.
So yeah. I don't expect dmsi 3.3 to be some massive fix for my life. But it's been interesting how much it does cover despite having a specific goal. I've just been going at this alone for a while now and I've realized I've been beating myself up for trying my best to solve an incredibly complex issue I tend to face in my life. And me refusing help was just a part of the massive trust issues and self worth problems I struggle with.