I pretty much grew up an outcast as a kid. So things weren't ideal for me. I've spent a lot of time focusing on that area, but haven't noticed any improvement. If anything it has the tendency to drag me back down into old behavior. Idk really what the right approach is for any of this. But when I look back on my childhood I feel the need to distance myself from that person as much as possible.
Thinking about all this lately and I'd like to run AM again. But we've come so far with the tech and in all honesty I don't want to go back. So I thought about the goals of dmsi and whether or not they'd overlap with other goals. To me I feel like being sexy is having a strong life goal, not caring what others think, and not being afraid to go against the grain when it comes to living life. So I don't know if OE would take care of those for me as well. Certainty felt like it with 3.2 and 3.1, it's how I got my current job.
I would like to be more alpha, just for the sake of being able to deal with life and the shit it throws your way. I can't keep going in life just being afraid of everyone. I want to be tougher without throwing away my good traits like compassion, empathy, and being a mediator. Basically I'm the type of guy to let stuff go until it gets to the point where I have to do something. Unfortunately I feel like I let people go to far and I should have the courage to metaphorically "bite" back before they go too far. People go, hey here's a guy who just takes it let me see how much I can get away with. I lied to myself for years just saying I was a peaceful person and it didn't bother me, but when push comes to shove I want to know that I can put my foot down and end the bullshit.
When you're afraid you come up with all types of excuses to justify your behavior. For me I felt anger was bad, being assertive was bad, being dominant was bad. Basically anything that would mean me facing conflict head on was bad. This way I didn't acknowledge I was afraid and didn't feel like a coward, which is basically what it was.
Running AM isn't the ideal choice right now. Wait for DMSI 3.3. The FRM is going to make a big difference for you.
(10-17-2018, 10:50 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Running AM isn't the ideal choice right now. Wait for DMSI 3.3. The FRM is going to make a big difference for you.
I don't know if it's my imagination or not, but lately I feel like fear is being targeted on a really visceral level. It feels like this ball of energy inside my stomach that's slowly being dispersed. Possibly a glimpse into the FRM. In any case I'll hold off until dmsi 3.3
I would recommend USLMax, but DMSI will have a more advanced FRM and you won't have to pay for it.
(10-17-2018, 11:35 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (10-17-2018, 10:50 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Running AM isn't the ideal choice right now. Wait for DMSI 3.3. The FRM is going to make a big difference for you.
I don't know if it's my imagination or not, but lately I feel like fear is being targeted on a really visceral level. It feels like this ball of energy inside my stomach that's slowly being dispersed. Possibly a glimpse into the FRM. In any case I'll hold off until dmsi 3.3
It indeed does sound like you're getting a little bit of FRM TID-action.
Matt,
I've been on E2 over 2 months now, and I looked into your DMSI journal recently, mostly since you're an INFP like me, and I wished to know how similar mindsets might see things.
I'm glad I looked, as I saw you switch to E2 recently. Also, I can really relate to most of your writings. I've had this busy monkey on my back saying little, if anything, is good enough. Whether it's subliminals, job choices, anything........... I see weaknesses and "holes needing to be filled". It's flippin' frustrating running with a "not good enough" backdrop in my head.
I've even tapered my writing lately here, mostly since I've not had grandstand moments or rock bottom dips. I've had not a framework sharing my emotions since.........it's regular. Nothing more, nothing less.
The self-judging aspect is something which when I let it run uninhibited, I tear myself down. Like I'll make a mistake, and use a broad paintbrush on my life, seeing myself failing and inadequate in any imagined scenario.
I relate to your mental struggle. Thank you for being so honest in your explanations. I'm officially running E2 until Halloween, but the closer it gets, the more I'm feeling being dug up, saying I need and want it to dig deeper. Plus.......Shannon advised staying on E2 until I didn't "need" another sub. I shared about this in my thread--since my male relationship triggers have been steadily surfacing. I've not decided yet, but I'm heading towards a longer run.
(10-17-2018, 12:01 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]Matt,
I've been on E2 over 2 months now, and I looked into your DMSI journal recently, mostly since you're an INFP like me, and I wished to know how similar mindsets might see things.
I'm glad I looked, as I saw you switch to E2 recently. Also, I can really relate to most of your writings. I've had this busy monkey on my back saying little, if anything, is good enough. Whether it's subliminals, job choices, anything........... I see weaknesses and "holes needing to be filled". It's flippin' frustrating running with a "not good enough" backdrop in my head.
I've even tapered my writing lately here, mostly since I've not had grandstand moments or rock bottom dips. I've had not a framework sharing my emotions since.........it's regular. Nothing more, nothing less.
The self-judging aspect is something which when I let it run uninhibited, I tear myself down. Like I'll make a mistake, and use a broad paintbrush on my life, seeing myself failing and inadequate in any imagined scenario.
I relate to your mental struggle. Thank you for being so honest in your explanations. I'm officially running E2 until Halloween, but the closer it gets, the more I'm feeling being dug up, saying I need and want it to dig deeper. Plus.......Shannon advised staying on E2 until I didn't "need" another sub. I shared about this in my thread--since my male relationship triggers have been steadily surfacing. I've not decided yet, but I'm heading towards a longer run.
Thanks man. I don't really take everything to heart when it comes to typing as INFP, but without a doubt I've seen similar struggles among this MBTI type. It seems like those that got their needs met in childhood use it as a strength, but those with more issues it kind of acts as a fuel for self harm and destruction. Stepping away from that destructive mentality is not easy when you've got long standing patterns of that. I think the biggest obstacle for INFPs is internally they know what they want out of their personal world, but a lot of people they come across want to steer them in their own directions or "advise" them on how to live life. If you don't have a strong frame, people get in your head and compromise your happiness. I think among all the MBTI types we're the one's least content with how the world operates day to day. The structure, the routine, the obsession with status that is super common. It's like poison to me at least. Part of my battle is carving out a life that works for me, not fitting myself into someone else's mold.
E2 was one of the first subs I ran that really pulled me out of those destructive states. It was the catalyst that finally got me to see I wasn't beyond fixing or hopeless. I think sticking with it long term will do you a lot of good, at least until E3 comes out. It may not be as flashy as some of these other subs, but it sets you down that path of really figuring out how to fix things at the core instead of bandaid solutions.
After an incredibly stressful day, seriously wanted to punch something today, I had a moment when I got home where i reflected on how I'm dealing with stuff. It hit me today that I'd rather stay swimming in my emotional pain vs let go of it and see what else life has to offer. It's like stockholm syndrome for my own emotions. And you guessed it, fear is at the heart of it.
"Healing", for me has been an excuse to continually engage in inner emotional turmoil in order to actually avoid change. I'd make excuses saying healing or overcoming all this takes time, it's a struggle, it's not that easy, etc. But the truth is I just make it difficult for myself. The more difficult I make it, the more of an excuse I have to drag it out and avoid what I'm afraid of. I've realized that one of my fears boils down to this in my own internal monologue. "If I can just let go of all this stuff, be free, just make a decision to be happy and all that, what does that mean about my past? How badly did I screw up if the solution was always this easy? Why didn't I just try harder to do this? I'm afraid if change comes this easily and smoothly that means I wasted years of my life being stubborn when I could have been happy. That's the hardest part for me, looking at myself and realizing I did this to myself. I took away a good 10 years of my life.
I know that's a horrible way to look at it, but I feel like I hold onto this stuff and battle with it more than necessary because it creates this illusion that what I was up against when I was younger was unavoidable. It's a strange feeling being presented with freedom and wanting to stay in the prison cell.
I relate. I definitely relate. I've had a lifestyle of choosing to be stuck myself. E2 is changing me bit by bit, but seeing it is uncomfortable when denial was making every decision before.
It took courage to admit that too. Respect.
I was kicking myself when I was down with that last post. I did the best I could do at the time I was struggling with the resources and help I had available. It's just now the subliminals are better and it's obvious to me.
I guess when you grow up with certain struggles others don't face it makes you feel like you're doing something horribly wrong. I think I still have left over guilt and shame. It all originated from my mind and I created it, but that dorsnt mean the solution was easy at that point in time. Maybe now it is and I should be happy I'm getting closer to freedom vs beating myself up for my past.
Quote:I'm afraid if change comes this easily and smoothly that means I wasted years of my life being stubborn when I could have been happy.
What is there to fear from that, really? Is a rock not a rock? Is a tree not a tree? If you wasted all those years being stubborn, was that not what it was at the time? It was what it was, and it is that because that is the level you were on at the time. You are outgrowing that now. Looking back on it and framing it in a way that makes it somehow bad to grow is just another fear based effort not to grow.
You cannot go back, Mat. Once you have outgrown something, it's gone. And in our younger, less wise, less experienced, less aware states, we do things, all of us, that are not as wise, aware and common sense as we can do now. It is simply a part of the growth process. The process is designed that way. It is what it is.
Therefore, there is no shame in it, no guilt in it, and nothing to fear. Do you awaken and fear it because you have "wasted all that time sleeping"? No, because you know you needed the sleep. Likewise, what you are framing as a waste is really a necessary part of the process of growing. Without it, could you have had the experiences that brought you to where you are now?
It is what it is. Be at peace, and reframe the past as an opportunity to grow past your limitations, which you are now taking and making true. Be proud of that! You are making strides in growth that are amazing!
(10-19-2018, 07:56 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Quote:I'm afraid if change comes this easily and smoothly that means I wasted years of my life being stubborn when I could have been happy.
What is there to fear from that, really? Is a rock not a rock? Is a tree not a tree? If you wasted all those years being stubborn, was that not what it was at the time? It was what it was, and it is that because that is the level you were on at the time. You are outgrowing that now. Looking back on it and framing it in a way that makes it somehow bad to grow is just another fear based effort not to grow.
You cannot go back, Mat. Once you have outgrown something, it's gone. And in our younger, less wise, less experienced, less aware states, we do things, all of us, that are not as wise, aware and common sense as we can do now. It is simply a part of the growth process. The process is designed that way. It is what it is.
Therefore, there is no shame in it, no guilt in it, and nothing to fear. Do you awaken and fear it because you have "wasted all that time sleeping"? No, because you know you needed the sleep. Likewise, what you are framing as a waste is really a necessary part of the process of growing. Without it, could you have had the experiences that brought you to where you are now?
It is what it is. Be at peace, and reframe the past as an opportunity to grow past your limitations, which you are now taking and making true. Be proud of that! You are making strides in growth that are amazing!
Thanks Shannon. This helps put things in perspective for me and I'm going to work on reframing these past experiences and what they meant in a positive way.
Woke up this morning feeling like I was processing some stuff. Felt good in the morning, but as the day went on I started slowing down. Finished up a track I had been working on, but really fought to get it done. Afterwords I felt tired/irritated, found myself sitting on my bed just reading up on random stuff. Part of me wanted to keep watching these music theory videos I've been meaning to watch to improve, but another part of me felt agitated and restless. The trouble for me is when I'm in this agitated/restless state I find my focus is terrible. So while I could force myself to sit down, I have this urge to get up and leave or to stop watching. Which results in me not paying attention and creates this illusion that I'm being more productive than I actually am.
I just turned on E2 a couple of minutes ago because it felt like the initial part of me that started out on a good foot gradually diminished. Really bad procrastination. I can overcome procrastination fairly easily if it's something like doing laundry, cleaning, going shopping for food, etc. But when it comes to higher thought tasks like reading, creating, or solving problems I feel like my mind can't focus properly. I think a lot of it is just fear. The tasks I can do easily are the ones I know I can do. The tasks I struggle with are the ones with uncertainty or past difficulties or are part of a greater learning curve.
I'm not angry at this though, as frustrated as I can get sometimes. Since thinking about Shannon's last post and what I've accomplished for myself I see that sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and ask yourself what can I do in this moment to continue to push me forward? No matter how small, anything that moves you forward is progress. My problem was always expecting massive leaps and discounting everything else as failure. When really I just never acknowledged my small achievements and successes that helped me build myself up.
For me in this moment just listening to E2 has taken some of that edge off and I'm able to focus again, so I'm going to be working on some stuff.