Had a really crappy day at work today. Just everything going wrong left and right. And when stuff like this happens it wouldn't be so bad if I was actually at a good point in my life. But it just makes me reflect and feel like I can't be happy no matter what I do. It just feels like trying and an uphill struggle. As much as I try to think positive, a minor setback like this comes in and just shatters it.
I was thinking about why I want to be more confident or whatever the hell it is I'm trying to do with DMSI. And it's still all about how people perceive me and caring more about what they think vs just being who I am and saying fuck it. It's almost like I've been trying to create this fabricated self to act as a sort of shield. Just as a way to deal with the world without actually putting myself in it. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I have to keep improving. It gets to a certain point where I think enough is enough, this is stressful, this sucks, and who the hell am I doing this for anyway? It's almost like through my entire life I've been very aware of my flaws and shortcomings, became terrified of other people seeing those things, and then build up a wall so nobody could see it.
I guess when things aren't too stressful it works out. But once stuff starts getting a little rough it's like the straw that broke the camels back and the illusion shatters.
I'm just so closed off and it's become so normal for me that I didn't even see it as a problem. But it definitely is. My mind would rather say "Nah you're alright, just keep doing what you're doing". It's amazing what happens when you spend years avoiding what is essentially just being yourself, it becomes a habit to not put yourself into any potential situation that compromises that safety.
I guess it's funny because I had assumed my deep unhappiness was just due to not having reached certain life goals. But after finally landing a full time job and getting that financial security, I still felt empty and lost inside. I always assumed the problems were out there vs me.
So yesterday was definitely a low point for me. The main positive point to it all is I really see now how I bring myself down. All this shit I tell myself, all these expectations, all the things I think people assume about me, is all coming from myself. I've realized as long as I hold low opinions of myself, that's why I'm afraid of what others think. If I feel worthless and someone deems me incompetent, I'm more likely to take that to heart. Whereas if I feel good about myself I see their comment as an opinion. And even if I was incompetent that doesn't make me a bad person or unworthy.
I don't know, something just clicked today. It made sense to just work on generating my own self worth and validation vs getting it from the outside. The only reason I always looked towards the outside was because deep down I felt like I need a good reason to be worthy or valuable. Like I couldn't just give it to myself, I had to earn it. And that mentality is what hurt me the most. I was playing into a game, instead of stepping outside of it and changing my perception on life in general.
(10-09-2018, 03:55 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So yesterday was definitely a low point for me. The main positive point to it all is I really see now how I bring myself down. All this shit I tell myself, all these expectations, all the things I think people assume about me, is all coming from myself. I've realized as long as I hold low opinions of myself, that's why I'm afraid of what others think. If I feel worthless and someone deems me incompetent, I'm more likely to take that to heart. Whereas if I feel good about myself I see their comment as an opinion. And even if I was incompetent that doesn't make me a bad person or unworthy.
I don't know, something just clicked today. It made sense to just work on generating my own self worth and validation vs getting it from the outside. The only reason I always looked towards the outside was because deep down I felt like I need a good reason to be worthy or valuable. Like I couldn't just give it to myself, I had to earn it. And that mentality is what hurt me the most. I was playing into a game, instead of stepping outside of it and changing my perception on life in general.
Profound!! Profound Matt!!
So I'm past the 21 days of DMSI running in my head. I decided until dmsi 3.3 comes out I'm gonna revisit good old E2. Didn't want to start a new journal because I imagine this will be relatively short.
I'm curious to see if there's anything from DMSI that's still being resisted that might be unlocked with E2. We'll see.
(10-11-2018, 02:20 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So I'm past the 21 days of DMSI running in my head. I decided until dmsi 3.3 comes out I'm gonna revisit good old E2. Didn't want to start a new journal because I imagine this will be relatively short.
I'm curious to see if there's anything from DMSI that's still being resisted that might be unlocked with E2. We'll see.
3.2 has P6, which is 35 days, actually.
I wouldn't worry about it (the P-tech). I personally didn't experience any turbulence switching directly from DMSI 3.2-A to E2. I only experienced relief.
Ha, got that one completely wrong. Oh well, still gonna run e2.
Well one night of E2 and I feel like I'm seeing how much pressure I put on myself for everything. Dmsi, my job, my music, my life in general. Too many demands and not enough time giving myself what I need vs what I think I'm expected to do in this world. That constant fear that times running out and I need to scramble and force myself through everything even if I feel low, depressed, or unwell. It's not healthy, it's not productive, and the irony is the more I stay in that state the less I actually get done because the high anxiety of it all makes me procrastinate.
It used to make me angry at the world. As if I was being forced to go along with all this, but the reality is I did it to myself. I'm free to choose how I want to live my life, I don't have to follow everyone else.
I worked on some music last night and instead of focusing on making it good, I just did what I felt. Then I realized my overly critical nature killed my creativity. My perfectionism made me throw out anything that wasn't top quality. But I slowly realized yesterday there's so much subjectivity to music. I've been waiting for it to sound "right" when in reality it's just me being insecure about how I want to express myself in my music. Instead of having fun creating, I've always been plagued with the thought "is this good enough?"
(10-12-2018, 03:50 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I worked on some music last night and instead of focusing on making it good, I just did what I felt. Then I realized my overly critical nature killed my creativity. My perfectionism made me throw out anything that wasn't top quality. But I slowly realized yesterday there's so much subjectivity to music. I've been waiting for it to sound "right" when in reality it's just me being insecure about how I want to express myself in my music. Instead of having fun creating, I've always been plagued with the thought "is this good enough?"
Hahaha, how very true. You never really know whether something's good until someone listens to it and likes it, and even if people dislike it, it doesn't mean it's bad. Simply means the listeners did not enjoy it or were unable to grasp it (which, incidentally, very often happens on the off-chance you've created something that hasn't been done before)
The only "right" in music is "is this what I wanted to do/express?" And even then you may end up with something a bit different than what you were going for, but it does not mean it's bad.
Media is toxic and how a lot of people get roped into it. I've always hated being around people that just talk about the shit things going on in this world. I'm not a big conspiracy theorist, but it makes you wonder what the end game is. How easily people are controlled and manipulated. The funny part is they will deny it. The best manipulation and control is when people think the ideas originated from their own head.
For me at least I live in such a small bubble right now. Go to work, come home, work on music, sleep, repeat. For a while I was really depressed about it, but then I realized my exploration is mostly internal vs external. I'm not saying getting out and experiencing the world isn't good, but it's gotta be for a good reason. Not just running from current problems or trying to mentally get away.
I still don't have a plan for my life. I feel like I should, but I also feel like every plan I've ever attempted to make just feels wrong on some level and constricting. I get this feelings sometimes that the plans I do create are just through that limited filter I've created. So on one hand I feel like I'm maybe not being proactive enough and on the other hand it feels like making decisions and wanting to plan solely based out of fear and insecurities is a bad path to go down as well.
People always say to make a decision and stick to it. But honestly how valid is that? Given that we're constantly changing. How can you even know what you're going to want in 5 or 10 years? Add on to that the fact that maybe these decisions aren't being made from a good place or an open mind.
I look around sometimes and I ask if people are really happy. Or if they've been in a comfortable routine so long they've decided it's good enough. Or if I'm just projecting my own feelings onto other people. I don't really know. All I know is that for myself it's important to live my life as authentically as possible. Still trying to figure that one out as it feels up until this point I've just been making decisions based on fear and listening to authority figures who have a "been there done that" mentality.
Well after that post I feel like I'm on the verge of some emotional release. I'm basically listening to E2 as much as possible throughout the day since I don't have to keep it to consistent loops like DMSI in one chunk.
Anyway I just realized I'm super overwhelmed and I've been ignoring it. Just trying to soldier my way through it. One part of me wants to keep moving forward and another part just wants to break down and cry with how confused, lost, and stuck I feel. I honestly think that my relationship with my emotional health is terrible. For whatever reason at a young age I just started bottling everything up, I convinced myself nobody cared about what I had to say or what I felt. And that grew over the years. It got to the point where I had no concept of who I was because I just stopped expressing myself in any way except for the closest people. Where most people are more like a steady stream of expressing themselves, feeling what they feel, etc. mine was more like short bursts and then 90% of the time just shutting down.
The tricky part to healing all this has always been being able to acknowledge what I struggle with without being dismissive. But I pretty much made a habit out of dismissing anything I felt in favor of not disappointing other people.
For as long as I can remember when interacting with anyone it's always felt like why bother. I could say this or say that, but none of it matters. So for a while I was damn near mute. There was no flow to conversations because there was always that underlying insecurity.
A lot of this is still just buried. A lot of it I just felt I could think my way out of. But the problem is still my lack of emotional honesty and just being able to allow myself to feel things. It's always a thought like "Oh this old shit again? Aren't you over this yet? Stop wallowing in it".
But if I'm listening to E2 right now and all these emotions are coming up to be processed, that leads me to believe I just got really good at wearing a mask all the time. Hiding this stuff even from myself. Maybe not hiding, maybe more like denial. That thought that says "No that's not me, I don't really struggle with any of that". That desire to be perceived as a perfectly put together person vs an insecure vulnerable and emotionally hurting person.
I've never been a rational person. I've always been jerked around by my feelings. I can't logic my way out of them with critical thinking. I feel what I feel, strongly and at times it's overwhelming. It's always been like that for me. I tried to change it for so long and it only caused more issues because now I had two problems. 1. Poorly executed attempts to logically convince myself why I shouldn't feel a certain way that didn't work and 2. Repressed emotional issues and the constant criticsm that I can't be less sensitive like everyone else around me. Through all this I'm starting to realize the problems aren't my reactions, it's the old beliefs and behaviors tied to these certain triggers that cause me to behave in irrational and self defeating ways.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm sick of feeling like I'm running into dead ends. What I hope to achieve with these subliminals above all else is to avoid the pitfalls of life so many people have to go through just because they don't have a birds eye view of life. Imagine navigating a maze, but having no idea which way to turn or what's the best avenue. Now imagine someone else above you who sees the whole layout and can direct you through the most optimal route.
I'm not looking to avoid hard work or expecting my life to become super easy. But just able to avoid the endless amounts of crap that's tucked away in corners of your life sometimes. Like starting a new job and then 4 months down the road realizing it's toxic. It would be so much better to not even go down that route in the first place.
I know we're all so much more capable with our minds than most people believe. To me it's foolish not to harness that power to basically avoid impediments towards success. Some people are still going to believe what they want to believe and that's fine, but me I think there are better ways to go about improving life than what amounts to trial and error.
I used to have massive ego problems about trying to figure it all out on my own, hell when I first started with subliminals I felt it was cheating. Feeling guilt for using my resources around me for bettering my life, that's some screwed up logic there. Nowadays my ego isn't caught up in being smart, independent, or harder working. There is virtue in hard work, but hard work for the sake of hard work is just about the dumbest thing you can do if there's a better way.
I'm getting really tired of feeling like a frightened child all the time. I'm a grown adult, yet I still respond to people like I'm an insecure younger kid. I really envy other guys who don't have fear. They say what they want, do what they want, live how they want. It feels like some of them didn't have to go on a journey to overcome it or anything, it's just their personality or temperament. I've been trying to get there for the longest time and it's honestly fucking embarrassing some of the stuff I'm afraid of. Just being timid all the time is getting really old.
I've always followed self acceptance. But honestly I'm tired of myself. I'm incredibly discontent with how I developed through the years. I feel like 90% of it is garbage and only 10% is redeeming qualities. I pretty much embody negativity, self loathing, and cowardice. You grow up with such a crappy mindset and it's no wonder you start to feel like you're worthless or a waste of space as a person.
I have to redefine myself. This inward searching isn't going anywhere. I'm just going around in circles feeling miserable about all the awful crap I tell myself. The thing is at what point are you attempting to change who you fundamentally are? In all honesty I can't even friggin tell. I don't even know if it matters anymore because for the longest time I've felt like I don't even have substance as a person. I've just been someone who's just reacted to their environment, tries to avoid fearful things, and pleases people all the time. I honestly don't have a strong concept of myself.
Usually children who were teased grow up to be shy. If you were teased, rejected, mistreated as a child then maybe you just need some help in that area.