(04-12-2018, 09:40 AM)Frosted Wrote: [ -> ]Hey matt I was wondering what kind of a place you came from before subs? And where are you at now?
I came from a very rough place and now I'd say I'm about the equivalent as an average male maybe a bit better in terms of mental healthy (including the fact that I have schizoaffective).
I was definitely a mess. I was never diagnosed with anything besides dysthymia and social anxiety. But it was pretty bad. Even those two diagnoses don't really go into the depths of how messed up I made myself with my perfectionism. I never really left my house much except to hang out with friends. Even with my friends I had anxiety all the time. Couldn't even fathom getting a job let alone actually working. I mean my life was pretty easy, no poverty, parents that loved me, a few good friends. But I felt like I went through hell every day of my life.
Now I'm better. I have a full time job, less anxious around people, more motivated to achieve my goals. Overall I wouldn't really place myself on the level of an average guy. If I'm completely honest with myself I'd have to say there's still a lot that I haven't quite worked out yet, but I'm getting there. But what complicates it a bit is the fact that my motivations in life are different than the average guy. I literally cannot be happy working a 9-5 mon-friday, I'm doing it now and I realized it's taking away time from what I actually want to pour my energy into. Most guys work the 9-5, clock out, then veg out at home playing video games or watching tv. If that's what makes them happy more power to them, but I have no desire to do that.
How much of your progress would you say is a result of having used subs?
(04-12-2018, 05:33 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]How much of your progress would you say is a result of having used subs?
I'd have to say all of it. If it weren't for these subs I honestly don't know how I'd be overcoming these issues. Maybe hypnosis, but even then my fear of others was so high I don't think I would have even been able to bring myself to trust someone. I've been pretty much hammering away at these issues for years now and these subliminals always gave me hope. Especially when everywhere I turned people always claimed things like depression and anxiety are lifelong issues you just have to deal with.
Feels like I'm finally reaching a place where I'm following the instruction for dmsi. Prior to this I was either detaching completely or trying to control the process and exerting way too much conscious control. Both were a control thing. Learning to trust and let go of control hasn't been easy, but I'm getting there.
I was reading that book reality transurfing again and the idea of excess importance being bad. And it's so true. I find the more importance I place on things the more energy goes into not screwing it up which consequently takes me further away from success. In the case of DMSI, trying to execute the script flawlessly caused me to over analyze way way too much. Instead of being present and just observing how DMSI manifests in my life. Same thing goes for women, the more you want them to be attracted to you the less they will be because you'll do things that scream desperation. That's not to say you detach from the goal of being attractive. You have to embody it and embrace it, not just merely want it.
My issue has always been waiting for that outside attraction before I decide to reassess my own beliefs instead of changing my beliefs and having that reflect my outer reality. In the first case I'm pretty much playing tug of war between two competing realities. I think the reason this is so hard to grasp on a deeper level because we've all been conditioned to believe that the world outside of us is independent of our own internal beliefs. So we base our beliefs on our actions and life events, sort of a top down approach vs a bottom up. Where you change your beliefs and have your reality manifest in that way.
One of the biggest hurdles I've been trying to overcome is letting go of that critical voice that says I'm faking this new identity I'm taking on. The transition between two competing realities and realizing that one identity is no more valid than the other. They are both ways of living in this world, it's just up to me which one I want to choose. I always thought I needed to dig down deep and sort of unearth the real authentic me. But now I realize that I'm ever changing, growing, the only "me" is the witness to what I decided to create in my life and that's it. By default I am the most authentic version of myself at all times, I don't need to try to find that. All I have to do is listen to my intuition and follow my own path in life.
Hey Mat,
How many days/cycles/weeks have you been on DMSI 3.2 now, and how much has it been using B versus A. Where would you say you are mentally and tangibly after starting 3.2 as opposed to when you were running other subs such as E2 or AM6?
Your progress is making me proud, Mat.
(04-14-2018, 11:44 AM)kalmah0804 Wrote: [ -> ]Hey Mat,
How many days/cycles/weeks have you been on DMSI 3.2 now, and how much has it been using B versus A. Where would you say you are mentally and tangibly after starting 3.2 as opposed to when you were running other subs such as E2 or AM6?
To be honest I lost track. I think I was on B for about a month? And A I just started my second cycle yesterday, so about 14 days.
Where I'm at now is way way better than E2 or AM6. Not to say they didn't play their part. But these past few weeks I've been really feeling some deep shifts in myself. Like all my life I feel like I've been living in such a limited way and now I'm breaking out of that. Just being able to break out of that self destructive mentality is a massive improvement for me.
(04-14-2018, 01:31 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Your progress is making me proud, Mat.
Thanks Shannon
I'm getting to a point where I'm realizing what's really holding me back. It's not that I'm lazy or undisciplined. It's that I still have a piece of myself that is terrified of almost everything in life. And most of the time I've just been brute forcing this and fighting to push forward. But that takes a lot of energy, energy that could be better used for creating what I want in life. Also by making this piece of myself the enemy, when I push too hard it pushes back even harder. The closer I get to success, the more I self destruct in some way. But what I'm starting to understand is that it's not some hidden enemy, it's me, a misunderstood piece of me that I've been denying.
I'm not saying I'm special, but among everyone I know it feels like I've dealt with an unhealthy level of fear in my life. When fear is this pronounced and a part of you moves on to being an adult while another part of you remains in that fearful state, it makes things really complicated. People always say to push past the fear, face your fears, don't give up, etc. But what some of them fail to realize is that fear isn't some simple physical anxiety you can just push past. It can be interwoven with all your thoughts and beliefs and distort your view of reality. It's tricky, not at all straightforward. So for someone like me who's dealt with it for most their life, it's a little irritating when people assume overcoming all of it is so simple. I've had weeks where I've pushed and pushed and it felt like I was moving on. But when the willpower gives out it's like a crash, it's just not sustainable.
So weird. It feels like things are split up inside me. I'm acknowledging a part of me still has anxiety, but another part is completely confident. Trying to be as honest as possible so I can really heal everything. Prior to this I just kept denying how I really felt or I'd get stuck in it.
It's bizarre when you can feel unconfident and confident at the exact same time. Puts you in this sort of frantic headspace that's just chaotic. One side pushing towards goals and another pulling in the opposite direction. It's tempting to think you need to "beat" it, but that implies it's outside of you or like this mysterious entity that has a mind of its own.
Also restructuring my own concept of the "truth". I came to the conclusion if I haven't explored or lived all aspects of reality how could I know the truth? How could I know what's possible vs not possible merely by speculating? Most evidence I've collected is biased, but that's the nature of the human mind and the belief system.
Reading John Alexander how to be an alpha male again. I'm working on completely reframing the dynamic with women. Not chasing, not needing, being the prize and women who like doing the chasing. I've realized my mind built up how "realistic" that was based on past experience vs just allowing it. There's a lot of stuff that needs to be reworked in my mind, but I feel like I'm getting there.
Working on being more assertive and less "nice guy". While I'm not the worst I notice being excessively nice to people is my way of avoiding rejection. The consequence of this however is I'm not fully myself and I'm hesitant around people. I'm always putting others above me and I sort of fade into the background. But I have to start asking myself what's in this for me and start being a little selfish. Ironically being nice so people like me is the most selfish thing I could do. I think my nice behavior stems from people always telling me how nice I am. So basing my self worth around that which as we all know is toxic.
The tricky part with all this is not falling back into old behavior. It's one thing to have confidence alone vs out there in the real world. A lot of the time I revert to my hesitant anxious self. I have to say I hate it. I trip over words, my mind races, and what I say comes across as anything but confident. I think I get anxiety about being assertive, which causes that lapse in cognitive ability and then it's a self fulfilling prophecy from there as I get more anxious that what I'm saying is coming out really choppy and idiotic. I've never been articulate with spoken word unless I'm really comfortable around someone.
Bottom line is I'm reaching a point where I'm able to see my faults and work on them vs getting upset and "accepting" myself. And what I mean by that is having such a knee jerk offended reaction that just causes me to demonize more positive traits. Assertiveness turns into arrogance and ego vs confidence in my self and valuing myself. The easiest way for my mind to hold onto my issues is put down the ones I want to develop and have a martyr complex about the ones that currently cause me issues. I mean even back when I first ran AM I was so opposed to the idea of being alpha due to my upbringing.
Feels like I'm grinding it out right now. I want to just give up and stop going after all this self improvement. But I know deep down it's what I want, even if it gets really hard at times.
Had a few moments today where I just felt like screaming. I know I'm fed up with living like this and I have to do something about it. Not this one day dreaming stuff that never comes true. I was sitting at work today and I told myself that I have to make these changes NOW. Not in the future, not when I'm feeling better, now. Because the more I put it off, the more my life slips by.
Breaking free of everything I've been taught about life in general, my own beliefs about myself, hell my own identity I've molded for myself is the hardest thing I've ever done. Part of me thinks it shouldn't be this hard, especially when I see other people running dmsi and it's this smooth progression. For me it feels like I'm going through these trials to mold myself into a better person. In life there's theory and then there's actual experience. I've learned that you can theorize all you want about how the human mind works and the best way to approach it. But it all goes tits up when it comes to practical application. You really just have to dig in and take it as it comes. I've learned that my process of growth has never been easy. I sure as hell tried to make it easier, convince myself that change being hard was just another limiting belief I could let go of, but I've found most of that just lead to me ruminating on how difficult change was instead of actually changing.
I'm getting closer. I'm getting closer to no longer looking towards others or sources of authority to define my own life. When I'm afraid I try to pacify that by looking for others who have found a way, a sort of predefined path that I feel safer going on. Even if that means the negative, anything to quell that uncertainty of the mind. But I've realized that's not how life works. Life is a journey and you have to find your own path, face those fears and be strong. One of the hardest things for me is to be myself. To have my own opinions, to be controversial, to go against the majority opinion.
Went out to the bar last night with my friends. It was chill. Sat down and a couple minutes a girl I knew from high school who I had a thing for showed up. Wanted her to look at me and give me attention. But then I said fuck it, if she does she does and if not I'm just here having a good time with friends. Well not so much as a glance from her, but maybe it was just part of the clearing. See this girl liked me in high school but I fucked it all up by being too anxious. Now this wasn't simple nerves. I was a hardcore recluse back then and I tried to explain to her that I liked her too but I was just messed up in the head and was really anxious around her. She didn't get it and moved on. And like a chump I pined after her for months after that. That was pretty much my first experience with a girl liking me and then pretty much being repulsed by me all in the span of a few weeks.
Other than that nothing happened. But I was able to walk around the bar with the vibe of owning my space and not giving a shit what others thought. Few glances here and there. Just trying to get more comfortable with being dominant and not self conscious about being noticed.
I get the indifference mentality. I feel like I'm taking on the mentality of a guy who's already slept with a ton of women. So I'm not compromising my own frame for the sake of getting laid. That being said I'll be the first to admit that this is only good if I end up fulfilling the goal of dmsi. Otherwise I'm using it as a convenient excuse. I wouldn't say my standards are high, but I do have a particular type I'm into. I thought about it and asked myself why would I waste my time sleeping with a woman that does nothing for me? Just to prove I could? I'm more into the punk/artsy/fringe type of women. But my current location is pretty much populated by the exact opposite of that. Again I don't know if it's resistance, but no matter how hot a girl is if she's incredibly one dimensional and entitled that's an instant turnoff.
(04-21-2018, 07:33 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Went out to the bar last night with my friends. It was chill. Sat down and a couple minutes a girl I knew from high school who I had a thing for showed up. Wanted her to look at me and give me attention. But then I said **** it, if she does she does and if not I'm just here having a good time with friends. Well not so much as a glance from her, but maybe it was just part of the clearing. See this girl liked me in high school but I ***** it all up by being too anxious. Now this wasn't simple nerves. I was a hardcore recluse back then and I tried to explain to her that I liked her too but I was just messed up in the head and was really anxious around her. She didn't get it and moved on. And like a chump I pined after her for months after that. That was pretty much my first experience with a girl liking me and then pretty much being repulsed by me all in the span of a few weeks.
Other than that nothing happened. But I was able to walk around the bar with the vibe of owning my space and not giving a shit what others thought. Few glances here and there. Just trying to get more comfortable with being dominant and not self conscious about being noticed.
I get the indifference mentality. I feel like I'm taking on the mentality of a guy who's already slept with a ton of women. So I'm not compromising my own frame for the sake of getting laid. That being said I'll be the first to admit that this is only good if I end up fulfilling the goal of dmsi. Otherwise I'm using it as a convenient excuse. I wouldn't say my standards are high, but I do have a particular type I'm into. I thought about it and asked myself why would I waste my time sleeping with a woman that does nothing for me? Just to prove I could? I'm more into the punk/artsy/fringe type of women. But my current location is pretty much populated by the exact opposite of that. Again I don't know if it's resistance, but no matter how hot a girl is if she's incredibly one dimensional and entitled that's an instant turnoff.
Black and white thinking is never accurate in a shades of gray world, my friend. Very important lesson to understanding that.
(04-21-2018, 09:39 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ] (04-21-2018, 07:33 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Went out to the bar last night with my friends. It was chill. Sat down and a couple minutes a girl I knew from high school who I had a thing for showed up. Wanted her to look at me and give me attention. But then I said **** it, if she does she does and if not I'm just here having a good time with friends. Well not so much as a glance from her, but maybe it was just part of the clearing. See this girl liked me in high school but I ***** it all up by being too anxious. Now this wasn't simple nerves. I was a hardcore recluse back then and I tried to explain to her that I liked her too but I was just messed up in the head and was really anxious around her. She didn't get it and moved on. And like a chump I pined after her for months after that. That was pretty much my first experience with a girl liking me and then pretty much being repulsed by me all in the span of a few weeks.
Other than that nothing happened. But I was able to walk around the bar with the vibe of owning my space and not giving a shit what others thought. Few glances here and there. Just trying to get more comfortable with being dominant and not self conscious about being noticed.
I get the indifference mentality. I feel like I'm taking on the mentality of a guy who's already slept with a ton of women. So I'm not compromising my own frame for the sake of getting laid. That being said I'll be the first to admit that this is only good if I end up fulfilling the goal of dmsi. Otherwise I'm using it as a convenient excuse. I wouldn't say my standards are high, but I do have a particular type I'm into. I thought about it and asked myself why would I waste my time sleeping with a woman that does nothing for me? Just to prove I could? I'm more into the punk/artsy/fringe type of women. But my current location is pretty much populated by the exact opposite of that. Again I don't know if it's resistance, but no matter how hot a girl is if she's incredibly one dimensional and entitled that's an instant turnoff.
Black and white thinking is never accurate in a shades of gray world, my friend. Very important lesson to understanding that.
I'm doing my best. It's one of my bad habits. In general I've always been an all or nothing person and it's stifled me. But where I'm coming from is I have a tendency to think I'm making all these realizations and breakthroughs and it's hard to weed out actual progress vs inflating my own ego. I've had a history of that. But I guess that's black and white too. IDK, it's just hard to understand what's going on behind the scenes at times. Am I making progress? Am I tricking myself into thinking I'm making progress? Is it a combination of both?