(06-28-2018, 01:49 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ] (06-27-2018, 02:56 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Fear is like a flag for me that makes me avoid whatever I've been exposed to.
Just yesterday I was thinking that it's possible that I've trained myself to recognize the feeling of fear and then quickly go into some sort of releasing or monitoring or avoidance mode with respect to it, and that it's holding me back quite a lot. Because I think where there's fear, there's also a drive (motivation) to do that thing that is also scary. I don't know if that'd be a parallel thing or if it's a sequence, but I think the fear can get all the attention and then the more subtle drive gets overlooked and disposed of with the releasing or avoidance. So I'm trying to tale fear as a sign that I want to go that way.
I think you are on to something here. I can relate but wasn't able to put it into words until now.
Nope, I was wrong again. I do that a lot. This wasn't progress with healing. This was me attempting to dissociate again. And even more it's a product of ego. Something really stupid I do is I still have a tendency to compare myself to others in terms of growth. I actually slipped into a pattern that I fell into when I was around 17, so maybe it's coming up to be cleared. Basically when things scare me, like emotional intimacy, I'll convince myself it's overrated and I'm an independent person that doesn't need anyone else in my life. I'll delude myself into believing I'm somehow on an enlightened path or I'm evolving past normal human emotions. Or I somehow figured out how to circumvent the entire human condition and everyone else is "trapped". But I'm the one that's trapped really. Trapped from expressing myself, my thoughts, my feelings, emotions, because I'm constantly obsessed with this idea of transcending them. The irony of it is "being better" without actually being better.
I think I just have a tendency to run away from my own emotional wounds that need healing. It feels like I'm ashamed of them. Things like wanting to be loved. I know the ultimate goal is to provide that for myself, but in order to get there I have to acknowledge that there's a part of myself that wants that love. I think I've been under the misconception that I can just skip over that part completely and jump straight to self-validation. But there's definitely an in between that's necessary.
Just thinking about emotional issues/ insecurities. How many people deal with them. But then I also think of the people that don't do anything about it. The kind of people that just make everyone else around them miserable and only think of themselves. It just irritates me that some people take absolutely no responsibility for their actions. It made me realize I'm way too hard on myself. And I think a lot of self reflective individuals have a tendency to beat themselves up.
The stuff we all go through on this forum to get better, it's a personal choice. A choice that some people never make, so we should all be proud of ourselves for stepping up to improve ourselves. Some people never even take that first step.
Felt like posting again. I was feeling a little down and felt like I needed to get out of the house and be a bit more social. So I went to play some poker tonight with some friends. But I was so blah. Like you ever get those moments where everyone else around you is laughing and really in the moment and you just feel like you're on the outside looking in? I felt a negative spiral coming on and I managed to pull myself away from it. I told myself "No, I may be having some issues right now, but it's ok. This doesn't mean I have lower self worth". And it didn't fix my situation, but it definitely prevented it from getting any worse.
I've made a lot of progress with this in the past few years, but I still have my sticking points. For example, I'm not the best at conversations. I have a tendency to be a good listener, but then when people ask about me I kind of draw a blank. And I realized that I am where I am, so if people are put off by it there's not much I can do. So it's better not to try to present myself in the best way possible for the sake of what others think of me.
I know that sounds kind of negative, but if I'm gonna do this confidence thing it's gonna be for me. And if it's gonna be for me only then it has to be real. That means actually developing that confidence and self worth at a core level. So that means shedding what I call approval seeking confidence. The type of confidence developed so you don't appear unconfident. It's just when you're healing and working through stuff, you're at your most raw authentic state. Unfortunately it doesn't lend itself to making you that appealing to other people. I feel quite the opposite really. All the shit I've hidden for years is just out in the open and part of me wants to reel it back in just to go back to other people not seeing this stuff.
It's kind of hard seeing the worst flaws of yourself manifest around you, but at the same time not really knowing how to move past it except with time.
Had a dream last night. I only really post about the significant ones. But basically I was in this tall corporate building where I was getting "help" on direction in life. But it was really just people pushing their own agendas and thinking they knew what was best for me. So I screamed, almost threw a desk through a window, and just ran. After I ran I saw my mom who basically said I was overreacting and that I had to go back.
I think this dream represents a long struggle I've had in my life. Where people expect things of me, but I'm grappling with some serious fear. And it's not that I want to stay in the same place, but I just wanted someone to acknowledge what I was going through instead of making me feel like I wasn't pushing myself enough. I think this is where a lot of that "not good enough" feeling comes from. Having dealt with excessive levels of fear all my life and doing my best, but always feeling like I came up short.
When it comes to people's perception of you, they never get the whole picture. And when you're shackled by invisible chains it's hard to convey what exactly is wrong when you yourself can't describe why it is you self sabotage or don't move forward in life. So you've got the block itself towards a happier life as well as the judgements cast upon you by those who don't understand what you deal with.
None of this is a victim mentality. That gets thrown around a lot in today's world. A victim is someone who doesn't want to change their circumstances and wants the world to cater to them. This is basically compassion 101, understanding that not everyone deals with the same stuff and especially not kicking them when they are already down.
Deleted tinder off my phone yet again. I'm not sure if that's me moving beyond the validation of wanting to match with hot women or me avoiding executing dmsi. All I know is I got like 4 matches tops. Tinder sucks because it's all first impression and I don't have any decent pics of myself. I'm also not about to stage a photo for the sake of more matches. On top of that I'm pretty sure that app was eating away at my self esteem and turning into a huge waste of time so I ditched it.
On the subliminal front, weird thing happened this morning. I woke up, but then decided to sleep in for the day instead of getting up immediately. So I kind of fell into this meditative state where my body was buzzing with energy and I was in a state of deep relaxation. And I saw in my minds eye women being attracted to me. No resistance or anything, just calm and certainty. So it made me wonder if my block here is more conscious than subconscious. If I was in that hypnagogic state, then it seems like my conscious mind would be less active. And if it felt like I was full on executing the aura, that means what's holding me back is my conscious level of needing to be in control more than deep subconscious fears.
All theory though. I don't really know anymore what's holding me back. The whole thing is very complicated. All I know is I'm going to keep upping the loops until I break through. That's about all I can do. I also realized I've been very anxious lately but on a very subtle level. When I hit that state of deep relaxation this morning I was thinking to myself that this is how I should feel all the time. Not this on edge tensed up feeling. I think that on edge feeling is me trying to exert control over the subconscious.
Definitely focusing on healing too much and not in a good way. Waiting until I'm ready to execute, I think that's definitely some loophole. But I'm closing that one myself. Been there done that, isolating myself in my room and going deep within myself to re experience emotional hurt is not healing. It's a trick. It feels productive, feels like I'm pushing boundaries, feels like I'm moving past fear, but the reality is I'm not executing. I keep telling myself oh all the pain, all the years of hurt I have to face and overcome. But it's nonsense. I'm using this "need to have a long path of healing" to avoid the end goal as much as possible.
Had a stressful day at work today. Everything failing left and right. It got to a point where I was being called out by a manager for taking too long to fix something. And I took it like a champ right? Nope. Shook me up to my core. Could barely put together a sentence for why we were having the issues and what I was doing to resolve them.
A lot of the times in the past when I got confronted I'd get angry. But the anger was just to cover up for the fact that I felt really sensitive and felt weak. I could sit here and put up the walls again, attack the character of the person that got confrontational to make myself feel better, and get really into the I don't care mentality. But I'm not going to do any of those things. I'm going to acknowledge how I'm feeling and do my best to let it go. To not internalize that negative energy and take it personally.
But goddamn, I'm still sensitive. I'm trying not to do the whole "look how stoic I am" when I'm not. If I want to stop being so reactive I have to first acknowledge just how reactive I'm being.
Was gradually increasing loops but I was already at 5 so I just decided to go for 7. Screw it.
I've been thinking a lot about focus. Knowing what you want out of life. I think I've just been really afraid to put together a solid vision so I've just been floating and meandering aimlessly. I've got a job and I'm building skills, but it kind of feels like I'm doing it because that's what I should do. Feels like I'm procrastinating, but in a productive way? Hard to describe. It's like if I'm making money, doing relatively well, it's almost like I'll ride that out and cling to it for safety.
I've been reading this book and like most books having to do with LOA and manifestations I enjoy reading the theory. But I absolutely suck at practical application. So this book actually has exercises to do, like stating what you want, planning it out, getting a really good idea. And I've been avoiding it. It's funny because I've never actually tried to push my life in a certain direction. I've been very passive and just take whats given to me. But I see now that it's fear again. I'm so afraid to make change I won't even envision a different life or what I really want.
I was at lunch in the breakroom the other day and heard most of my coworkers talking about kids, owning a house, their job, etc. And just none of that seems fulfilling to me in the least bit. I actually feel a little nauseous when I think of that lifestyle. I genuinely don't understand how that's enough for people. I feel like I've been really digging for what happiness is for me and it's not girls, a paycheck, or validation outside myself. But at the same time I'm thinking to myself, so what the hell do I actually do with my life? And that's what made me realize I have to focus on something, find something to work towards. I do work on my music almost every day and maybe that's what it is, but man the limiting beliefs surrounding that are ridiculous and I have to break them.
I don't know, it's like society tells you "you want this". And I'm like, no I don't. It's realizing there are ideas and motivations put in my head that aren't even me, aren't even genuine desires but something I felt I had to do.
Damn 7 loops is rough. I don't think I slept last night that much. But I can feel dmsi pushing me beyond that comfort zone. Hard to describe what it feels like, but it's just forward momentum. It's making it impossible for me to go back to that avoiding mentality where I hide and sink into a depression. I just feel fully committed to making these changes in my life I need instead of living a subpar life for myself. Tolerance for other people's nonsense is non-existent, got hassled again at work today and literally thought to myself "I don't care, I deserve better than this". You know for a lot of my life when people treated me like crap I'd blame myself. I wouldn't see that it was toxic and I didn't have to internalize any of it. So not only did I feel like crap because of how they treated me, but then I'd go into a destructive spiral and come up with all the reasons why maybe they were right and I was wrong.
I'm feeling closer to genuinely not giving a fuck, like seriously. I'd often think I was there in the past, but it was cleverly disguised as validation seeking for being more independent or cool. But this just feels way closer to it. Stripping away the status symbols, the jobs, the money, the looks, the skills, all the bullshit that made me feel I wasn't good enough as I was. And i don't even want to associate with people who nitpick and place people in boxes based on all that criteria. We're all so much more than that. I've always been incredibly judgemental, but that was just a reflection of my own insecurities. As I heal from this stuff more and more, I see the freedom in seeing everyone as fundamentally the same. We're all just disconnected because of the negativity that spreads like a virus in society.
Picked up a book on amazon yesterday that I'm 99% sure was brought to me as a path forward. Anyway, the book is about making money from music by building passive income in the form of licensing out your music. There's been a lot of up and downs in my head. For one I started questioning if I'd have time for my own music. Second question was could I even compete with the great producers already out there? I mean half the time I can't even finish my own stuff. And the stuff I do finish isn't really that great as far as music goes.
Basically the author was talking about more than just licensing out music. He was talking about building your own business. What I really hate is how I'm so afraid of taking things into my own hands, I'll give up my own precious time for someone else to make the big decisions when it comes to business. I find myself coming up with excuses as to why creating a business around my music isn't a good idea. Things like "it'll destroy my enjoyment of it", "I'll have to sell out and make stuff I don't care about just to pay the bills", "I'm just not that type of person", "I'm not good at marketing".
They're all just excuses and fear about things that I can't even know for certain are true or not. But I realized something. I have to make money to survive anyway. And time is precious to me. I'd rather spend my time getting better at music, even if it's stuff I'm not super into vs working at a job that feels like it's robbing hours of my life and pushing me further away from my musical goals. And who knows, maybe I can work on stuff I really like and get paid for it, I have to keep that possibility open. The phrase too good to be true comes to mind, as I've gotten older I've been surrounded by people that keep perpetuating this narrative that you can't make good money and love what you do.
Anyway, I just don't feel like I'm really all that focused on the goals of DMSI. I'm wondering if I should move to a different sub to push forward with this whole business venture. But at the same time nothing has really impacted me like DMSI. I just don't want my focus split between two things and both are just watered down. As of right now I've been getting home from work dead tired and DMSI is also kicking my ass. I really need it to turn around for me because in this state I feel like I don't have any energy to put towards my music.
Going to switch to speakers for the sub. 4 loops was doable, 5 loops got a bit tough, but 7 loops I can't say with complete confidence that those earbuds will stay in my ears all night. As great as the earbuds are as far as stereo separation goes, it's pointless if I'm not getting the full 7 loops. Just journaling this so I can keep track of any perceived improvements or lowering of results. Right now I think switching to speakers will benefit me more.
(07-06-2018, 03:16 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Picked up a book on amazon yesterday that I'm 99% sure was brought to me as a path forward. Anyway, the book is about making money from music by building passive income in the form of licensing out your music. There's been a lot of up and downs in my head. For one I started questioning if I'd have time for my own music. Second question was could I even compete with the great producers already out there? I mean half the time I can't even finish my own stuff. And the stuff I do finish isn't really that great as far as music goes.
Basically the author was talking about more than just licensing out music. He was talking about building your own business. What I really hate is how I'm so afraid of taking things into my own hands, I'll give up my own precious time for someone else to make the big decisions when it comes to business. I find myself coming up with excuses as to why creating a business around my music isn't a good idea. Things like "it'll destroy my enjoyment of it", "I'll have to sell out and make stuff I don't care about just to pay the bills", "I'm just not that type of person", "I'm not good at marketing".
They're all just excuses and fear about things that I can't even know for certain are true or not. But I realized something. I have to make money to survive anyway. And time is precious to me. I'd rather spend my time getting better at music, even if it's stuff I'm not super into vs working at a job that feels like it's robbing hours of my life and pushing me further away from my musical goals. And who knows, maybe I can work on stuff I really like and get paid for it, I have to keep that possibility open. The phrase too good to be true comes to mind, as I've gotten older I've been surrounded by people that keep perpetuating this narrative that you can't make good money and love what you do.
Anyway, I just don't feel like I'm really all that focused on the goals of DMSI. I'm wondering if I should move to a different sub to push forward with this whole business venture. But at the same time nothing has really impacted me like DMSI. I just don't want my focus split between two things and both are just watered down. As of right now I've been getting home from work dead tired and DMSI is also kicking my ass. I really need it to turn around for me because in this state I feel like I don't have any energy to put towards my music.
DMSI is kicking your ass because your ass is fighting the progress. That means you are making progress. Don't fall for these bullshit excuses. Keep going.
I'm staying committed to DMSI, don't you worry Shannon. Set up my speakers last night and I woke up this morning full of a lot more energy. I think I was anxious about my earbuds falling out during sleep and losing exposure to dmsi, so I never got a deep sleep. This resulted in me being incredibly tired all the time. But we'll see how things go during the work week. The other thing is I may have been pulling out my earbuds at night without realizing it. With speakers that's not an option, so I'm guaranteed 7 hours of consistent exposure.