Blah. I just realized why it's been so difficult for me with dmsi. It's because I keep trying to do something rather than just doing it. It's the same thing with my music, I plan and plan but I don't get down to actually doing. Well from today forward I'm just going for it. Going to embrace being sexy, confident, and successful. I'm going to ignore anything that tells me otherwise and just focus on my goals. I see now the problem wasn't getting my conscious mind out of the way, it's all about pointing it in the right direction. All the what ifs and questioning I do are just a waste of time. All the overthinking about how to get dmsi working as best as possible and how to overcome resistance just put me in a loop of over analyzing instead of taking action. And when I say taking action I mean actively working on changing my thought patterns and integrating a new identity that's in alignment with what I want.
No more of this half hearted attempt to execute this sub where I don't give it my all and embrace change. The doubts are just doubts, I need to stop giving up halfway because I face uncertainty. Stop quitting as soon as things get a little bit scary or unfamiliar. Otherwise I'm going to find myself in the same old stuff I've come to despise.
My outlook is improving a lot. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts with music producers and their journey towards turning music into a full time thing. I'm determined to do this for myself as well. I'm seeing how defeatist some people are and how that rubbed off on me. I'm visualizing success now, doing what I love to do without all the excuses and fears attached to it.
Before I had an attitude of if it happens it happens. I was working on my stuff half heartedly, not really believing it could take me anywhere. So I thought more "realistically". I've come to realize being "realistic" is just an excuse to accept the status quo and not push boundaries. And I was so meh about it because I was afraid of going for it all the way.
I believe it will come to me because I'll never stop working towards it or give up. Obviously this isn't success with women, but this same mentality is presenting itself in that area as well. None of this stuff is impossible, I just have to throw away all the fears and excuses that hold me back.
(03-31-2018, 04:13 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Man people don't know shit and it irritates me to no end. Mostly because I was never confident and never believed in myself so I assumed others knew better. Here's what I've realized. People are great at following everyone else and it gives them this psuedo knowledge about life. This illusion that they are competent or know how the world works. I've constantly looked outward for guidance because of fear and lack of trust in myself. But that's a horrible thing to do. Not only do you cut yourself off from your own intuition, but you're at the mercy of loudmouths who think they have everything figured out.
I'll be honest I'm probably the worst reporter for DMSI because I don't go out much to meet women. And I'm still working on letting go of those fears that clouds my judgement and makes me think I'm above wanting women or whatever. So where most guys have anxiety around women, I won't even put myself into situations where something could happen to begin with. Like I said, fear squashing desires right off the bat.
But in a way I'm depressed. I feel like I'm in this grind. I got the steady job to support me but it's just so goddamn draining. I'm tired by the weekends, got my music to work on, got groceries and crap to take care of, cleaning my place, laundry, cooking, etc. I don't know I just feel crushed by the weight of it all. I've been trying to figure out some kind of exercise routine because I think lack of that is contributing to this depressed state. But every week it's like starting from zero and I think in my head "ok just have to power through the week and then I'll be good for two days". That's depressing as hell for me. I honestly don't get how anybody gets stuff done without being exhausted, but maybe I've just been dealing with a ton of crap for so long that I'm used to carrying this huge weight on my back. In short I feel like everyone else around me enjoys life and I don't. I could be doing so much more, but I just don't seem to have the energy.
I'm powering through it all right now, the only thing that's keeping me going is coming out the other side. And I'm praying that happens because if life keeps on like this I'm gonna lose it. When I think about this stuff I wonder if dmsi is really right for me. If my priorities are kind of skewed right now. Am I interested in attracting women? Yeah. But I'm more interested in just building a life I can be personally happy with. A lot of the reason I'm using dmsi is for the new tech and overcoming everything. I'm not like a lot of other guys on here with established lives that are just looking for that added perk. So I'm wondering if I'm asking way too much from dmsi.
As a fellow INFP, I can relate to the soul-searching. "WTF am I doing?!"
I'm writing encouraging your honesty. I used Ultimate Detox in the last 6 months, and I realized slowly and steadily that I lied to myself consistently. I held this mask up for years, hoping you'd never see behind it so I'd never have to face the truth--it terrified me. It really changed my world quite drastically, as I began making different choices, mostly with people and goals I (said I) was chasing.
I'm sharing this as I'm certain DMSI 3.2 has some of the same detox modules in it, and it seems it's clearing your mind. That's what it's designed to do.
Your honesty is GOOD! Though you may feel bad at times, it looks like the new tech has some powerful clearing tools, and it looks like it's having an effect on you. This is awesome!
Thanks for sharing!
(04-02-2018, 03:46 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]I'm writing encouraging your honesty. I used Ultimate Detox in the last 6 months, and I realized slowly and steadily that I lied to myself consistently. I held this mask up for years, hoping you'd never see behind it so I'd never have to face the truth--it terrified me. It really changed my world quite drastically, as I began making different choices, mostly with people and goals I (said I) was chasing.
I'm sharing this as I'm certain DMSI 3.2 has some of the same detox modules in it, and it seems it's clearing your mind. That's what it's designed to do.
Your honesty is GOOD! Though you may feel bad at times, it looks like the new tech has some powerful clearing tools, and it looks like it's having an effect on you. This is awesome!
Thanks for sharing!
This is really good to hear. I very much relate to the mask. I've been trying to get rid of that for years, but old habits die hard. I'm getting closer though. And it sounds like the detox is just what I need for my mind.
Oops listened more than 7 days. About 2 over, so I'm taking a break tonight.
Had time away from posting for my brain to settle. I've realized I've been fighting too hard to change my subconscious. All that energy is better utilized just making conscious decisions that move me forward. I'll let the subconscious stuff work in the background. Reading a book on stoicism now that has been helping. Sometimes stuff just happens in life and you've gotta move forward and stay out of your head. I've noticed most of my progress with dmsi comes with the absence of trying. More like oh cool I'm doing all this stuff without thinking about it. I mean that's how it's supposed to be when you change your beliefs. You don't think about it because it becomes your new normal.
I'm still having issues in life. Despite having a full time job now I'm not making much money and it kinda hurts seeing most of it go towards gas and car payment. But feeling bad about that won't change it and I'm better off figuring out where I should go from here. Still paying off student loans too. I'm kind of just surviving at this point, comfortable survival though, but still it's tough. Not the worst situation to be in by far, but still I feel lucky these things kind of lined up for me a bit like a safety net. That's what scares me about life sometimes, it's unpredictable. Some people just have this smooth sailing with no real hardship and others can't get away from it no matter how hard they try. Sometimes I feel like something is waiting around the corner ready to sucker punch me. I never really feel safe or settled.
I'm all kinds of messed up at the moment. I've been trying to run from all this stuff that's been coming up with the healing. Trying to out think it and I realized it just needs to pass. I need to stop fighting it, no matter how shitty it feels I need to go through it. If I just keep putting it off I'll never actually move on from it.
So I'm not going into all of it because it would likely turn into a massive word vomit of a post. The gist of it is I'm pretty damn tired of trying all the time to get better. It just gets to the point where I think to myself, something isn't right. Like I'm trying too damn hard just to stay afloat. To keep up appearances of being ok when I'm really not. I know there's something going on deep down because all my life I feel like I've been operating from some messed up belief system about myself that just makes things 100x harder than they need to be. It's about time I get down to it and heal that instead of trying to push it away and ignore it hoping that once I achieve more outward success in life I'll feel better.
Had a good dream last night. Just a bunch of women having interest in me and me feeling ok with being sexual around them. It's not outward results, but honestly the fact that I struggled to even dream about this stuff just shows how blocked I am to having it in my reality.
I'm going to be trying harder to think positive and stop with the endless streams of negative thoughts. Every time I have tried this in the past I'd get thoughts like "this is pointless" or "positive thinking doesn't work" and I believed them. I think healing and clearing is important, but the mind has to have a focus. For me I've realized that the negative beliefs I let go of have to be replaced with something else. Otherwise I just continue old habits and create more negativity.
A lesson I've learned, and it was a hard lesson, is that no matter how much better you feel you can ALWAYS make yourself feel worse. The mind can create any mental state you want and if you've practiced feeling miserable, weak, and helpless for as long as I have it becomes as natural as breathing. So it's important to evaluate when you're actually healing things that need healing vs spiraling into a negative thought pattern. I've been very obsessed with finding some root cause or deep underlying emotional pain I need to heal, but I was basically just creating a narrative I followed. So what was really happening was a negative thought loop, oh more healing is needed, perpetuate that negative thought loop failing to realize I was the one creating it and it wasn't manifesting from some buried emotional issue.
In short I am detaching from the negative. All that remains now are very bad habits that regenerate old emotional issues and belief structures. At this point I have to just reject those thoughts because they no longer serve me and focus on replacing them with the positive. Breaking that cycle of this is how it's always been so it must be the truth.
Quote:I'm all kinds of messed up at the moment. I've been trying to run from all this stuff that's been coming up with the healing. Trying to out think it and I realized it just needs to pass. I need to stop fighting it, no matter how shitty it feels I need to go through it. If I just keep putting it off I'll never actually move on from it.
Yep, I can identify. 3.2 seems the most intense so far, usually I don't get so much crap and intense stuff in the first week of a subliminal.
Feels a bit like i'm being torn apart by it.
(04-06-2018, 03:26 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm all kinds of messed up at the moment. I've been trying to run from all this stuff that's been coming up with the healing. Trying to out think it and I realized it just needs to pass. I need to stop fighting it, no matter how shitty it feels I need to go through it. If I just keep putting it off I'll never actually move on from it.
So I'm not going into all of it because it would likely turn into a massive word vomit of a post. The gist of it is I'm pretty damn tired of trying all the time to get better. It just gets to the point where I think to myself, something isn't right. Like I'm trying too damn hard just to stay afloat. To keep up appearances of being ok when I'm really not. I know there's something going on deep down because all my life I feel like I've been operating from some messed up belief system about myself that just makes things 100x harder than they need to be. It's about time I get down to it and heal that instead of trying to push it away and ignore it hoping that once I achieve more outward success in life I'll feel better.
That sounds exactly like the confusion/frustration/lack of understanding I felt when I first began UD. It went straight to my core and shook me up. Considering all my choices (blaming myself, running away, escaping with food or anything) I considered that just allowing it was my best option. I am grateful I had some modeling in real life of just surrendering and allowing change to happen. I was scared before I did that. I'd run from actual change for many years.
"Vomit of a post": I can relate. I wanted to scream "WHY ME?!!!" Me losing control was what I resisted the absolute most.
(04-08-2018, 05:44 AM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ] (04-06-2018, 03:26 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm all kinds of messed up at the moment. I've been trying to run from all this stuff that's been coming up with the healing. Trying to out think it and I realized it just needs to pass. I need to stop fighting it, no matter how shitty it feels I need to go through it. If I just keep putting it off I'll never actually move on from it.
So I'm not going into all of it because it would likely turn into a massive word vomit of a post. The gist of it is I'm pretty damn tired of trying all the time to get better. It just gets to the point where I think to myself, something isn't right. Like I'm trying too damn hard just to stay afloat. To keep up appearances of being ok when I'm really not. I know there's something going on deep down because all my life I feel like I've been operating from some messed up belief system about myself that just makes things 100x harder than they need to be. It's about time I get down to it and heal that instead of trying to push it away and ignore it hoping that once I achieve more outward success in life I'll feel better.
That sounds exactly like the confusion/frustration/lack of understanding I felt when I first began UD. It went straight to my core and shook me up. Considering all my choices (blaming myself, running away, escaping with food or anything) I considered that just allowing it was my best option. I am grateful I had some modeling in real life of just surrendering and allowing change to happen. I was scared before I did that. I'd run from actual change for many years.
"Vomit of a post": I can relate. I wanted to scream "WHY ME?!!!" Me losing control was what I resisted the absolute most.
This is good to hear. It's been difficult, there's a lot of stuff I've pushed down over the years and convinced myself it wasn't there. Coming face to face with that is a bit surreal in a way.
I worked really hard on making some music today. Got up around 8:30 ate breakfast and then worked till around 4 on a track. After I noticed I was all anxious. So I gave myself time to relax and that's when things got a little more emotionally turbulent. I think I still base a lot of my self worth on my achievements. I noticed moments working on the music where I felt it was shit and I'd never be good enough at it. I kept working on it though. But it occurred to me that maybe that's why my music can be really stressful at times. When things don't go right it feels like my whole world falls apart and that's not exactly healthy.
So I wasn't exactly sleeping, but I was just laying there. Things were getting pulled to the surface. I was thinking about my childhood and even as far back as that I noticed I was anxious all the time. I can't really remember a time when I felt ok. And I think I did grow up with some challenges in life, unfortunately it just made me feel like a failure because I couldn't be like everyone else. There was always some person in authority in school trying to mold me into something I wasn't. I'm not sure if I had anxiety as a kid or I was just quiet and the constant criticisms of being "too quiet" just gave me anxiety. My mom is always telling me I was a really cheery happy go lucky kid, I honestly don't know what happened. To be honest it just feels like I was stomped on by society and being a more sensitive kid it hurt a lot. It created this fear in me of it being dangerous to be myself or open myself up to people.
When you grow up and things aren't as straightforward as everyone else around you it's hard not to feel like a failure. I have a tendency to beat myself up more than I should. I don't think I've been giving enough attention to my own emotional needs over the years. I've just been bulldozing through everything trying to keep going until maybe one day it'll all be better. But I see now that's not the answer. Happiness doesn't lie in external achievements. That's not an excuse to slack off, but there definitely needs to be a re prioritizing of my own emotional health.
Also I seem to be really irritable lately. Like I want people to just leave me alone. I think these are old emotional wounds making their way to the surface and I'm rejecting the company of people because I'm deeply uncomfortable with myself.
As a kid, I was the one who was growing alone and then when we (often) visited some other relatives who'd all had several kids and they were all very social, then I'd feel kinda"left behind" socially because I just didn't have the energy to force myself to be like that for extended amounts of time. And yeah, then people begin to say that you are quiet, and I don't think that's really helping. That's where I think I associated socializing as something exhausting, and I was always worried about having enough energy when I go out and was really avoiding it when I didn't. Still do, but less.
Also I'm having similar irritability as you wrote. On some days now especially after work I can just be feeling so crappy inside that every time the (quite social) gf says it suggest something I get irritated. I try to be nice because she's sensitive to that stuff and then it can lead to arguing about something else, but I just feel this defensive "fu all, leave me be" attitude. What I don't really understand is what it actually is that I'm trying to block with that. Maybe it's that I don't want to be perceived as grumpy, maybe it's that I think people will attack me somehow, of offending, or... idk. Feeling bad + tired + social situation = fear of something really bad happening when I can't prevent it anymore. What do you think you fear whenever it's like that?
But the 1-day break helped me a lot more with DMSI-A. Hoping these past feelings will clear, and not just linger again. This is mostly why I'm still on DMSI - otherwise could be doing e.g. PTPA also.
For me I think it's a combination of fear and worthless feelings. I've kept these stuffed down for a while and now they are coming to the surface. It's manifesting in outward behavior. It's that confusing feeling when people like me but I don't like myself. I honestly don't know how to handle it. It's like the more attention someone gives me the worse I feel. For now I'm just going to ride it out, but I think this is a necessary step. Definitely a detox of negative feelings about myself.
Anyone else having mini sort of panic attacks with dmsi? Overall the anxiety relief has been good for other stuff. But when I stop avoiding execution and sort of say enough is enough, I notice this really strong panic comes up. My body twitches and spasms too. It's like when I really let go of control and let dmsi do it's thing I get the worst anxiety. Don't really know how to get past this point. I think it is a control thing. I can't let dmsi work at full power, it just freaks me out too much and I don't know why. I've felt myself slip into those more powerful states, but then I lose it after the panic sets in.
After listening to what kind of thoughts ran through my mind that gave me these anxiety attacks a lot of it was "I can't" or some form of "I'm not good enough". And then that led me to question if I was truly healing or if I was just continuously hurting myself with all these toxic thoughts. I realized that healing shouldn't involve pain, it shouldn't involve dragging up old wounds and subjecting yourself to that. It's about identifying what it is that hurts and addressing it. In my case these feelings of worthlessness. I felt worthless. I thought I was worthless. But I was hyperfocused on that, not the solution to it. And the solution was to stop needing outward confirmation for that worth. Whether that be my job, girls, external achievements, my attractiveness, etc. I also found that when that feeling of worthiness started to grow I was much more receptive to positive thinking. It seems like positive thinking never worked for me because I never believed I was capable of any of the stuff I was thinking positively about.
Long story short. There's no longer a dragged out process of exploring deep feelings of unworthiness. I've simply decided that I'm done thinking that way about myself and I won't do it anymore. I don't need to go through those long ruts of feeling bad to move on, all I have to do is replace it with what I want and let it go. I'm done with this whole "I'm deeply damaged and I need lots of healing" identity. My entire life has been framed in this way where I'm this broken person and I'll always be below everyone. I see now that even though I thought I was healing myself, in reality I was holding onto feelings of worthlessness. Consistently operating from that frame of reality, so even when I did make breakthroughs or improve they were never enough.
It's like a domino effect. Once I really felt it 100% that my self worth is intrinsic, independent of outside influence, I realized I could feel better. And once I realized I could feel better, I realized the negative thoughts I've been having could stop. And since those stopped I could embrace the positive. And once I embraced the positive, I realized just how powerful my own thoughts and beliefs are and how important it is to focus on what I want in my life instead of what I don't want.