(01-27-2018, 08:05 PM)CatMan Wrote: [ -> ] (01-27-2018, 07:20 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Well I did that and am doing it and frankly it makes me want to give up on living completely because this isn't living in the slightest.
Same reason I became an entrepreneur. I hated "my life" the way it was "supposed to be". Didn't satisfy me. Everyone else telling me what I wanted to do "couldn't be done", or was "unrealistic" and I had to conform to their model of the world. Yeah, screw that, just because you don't want it, or CAN'T DO IT, doesn't mean that's true for me.
Bang on, matt. Great realisation, that made me so happy to read 
.
Also, these same people don't know the difference between...living...and SURVIVING. They're surviving...not living.
Massive difference.
Thanks Catman! I'm hoping with dmsi 3.2 I start moving in a direction I can truly be happy with instead of settling for a mediocre life. I've decided for me it definitely has something to do with music. Starting your own business will always have naysayers, but I've found when it comes to anything in the arts people shoot that down even faster. Living my life for myself has been incredibly difficult for me, but I intend to change that. It's amazing how clear a life path is, but all the bullshit and fear just gets in the way from society and sends you on a detour.
Not sure if 3.2 is doing this or it's me, but I think I've figured out how I resist and what stops me. A lot of the time I ran DMSI I'd sort of go inward and try to let go of resistance. But interestingly enough I wasn't letting go of resistance, I was letting go or ignoring the script and potential executions. This led to a cycle of not getting as far ahead as I like which caused me to think I needed to work on it even more. Which led to me pushing myself into a stagnant state where I didn't follow the instructions of the sub.
The solution is to just stop focusing so much on the internal workings of all this and focus my mind on my goals. Letting DMSI work in the background and trust my subconscious can handle this without all my conscious interference. I think this is related to the neverending healing cycle. Where I deluded myself into believing I still had stuff to heal as a way to avoid actually following the instructions from the sub. Regardless of how much I moaned about depression and anxiety, I was still more willing to take those over changing my life and doing things differently.
But having had this realization, I totally get what Shannon was saying about being able to do anything you put your mind to. You have to forget everyone else, throw out the excuses, and just make stuff happen. The only thing standing in the way is yourself. It's made me realize how powerful the mind is and how subliminals are a compliment to that. As powerful as these are, the true power is the self.
I'm trying to figure out how to stop self sabotaging myself. Not just with this DMSI and women thing. But my music too. Sometimes I'll make something and the longer I spend on it the more I feel things are wrong. Eventually the whole thing seems wrong and I think it's complete garbage. Then I come back to it a month later and think it's actually pretty good. It seems like even if I'm not sharing the music I'm making, I'll attempt to derail any efforts to finish. The initial burst of creativity is great and idea generation is usually not too much of a problem. But it's that last 10% that I really fuck up. The closer it gets to completion, the more I avoid it or ruin it somehow.
I've been fighting this for a while now and I just don't think it's the optimal solution. I can get work done if I really force it, but it's tiring. I don't want my music to tire me out. I think it's related to the perfectionism. I still place so much of my self worth in how good something I create is that I give myself anxiety about finished pieces of music. In my convoluted my mind I somehow believe that if I never finish a song then I don't have to judge myself for it, so the solution is to not finish music.
Same thing with women. I've had opportunities, but I blow all of them by emphasizing my weaknesses and completely throwing out any positives I have about myself and unintentionally killing any steps beyond the initial flirting. My mind is like 'uh oh someones getting to know the real you, better just ruin everything so that doesn't happen'. Yeah. This isn't just going to go away by putting myself out there more. I have to find the roots of this issue and kill it at the source. Otherwise I'll continue to carry out the same familiar patterns over and over.
Clearly what I think I want in life, a part of me thinks it's a bad idea to have. I'm a walking contradiction.
(02-04-2018, 07:46 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm trying to figure out how to stop self sabotaging myself. Not just with this DMSI and women thing. But my music too. Sometimes I'll make something and the longer I spend on it the more I feel things are wrong. Eventually the whole thing seems wrong and I think it's complete garbage. Then I come back to it a month later and think it's actually pretty good. It seems like even if I'm not sharing the music I'm making, I'll attempt to derail any efforts to finish. The initial burst of creativity is great and idea generation is usually not too much of a problem. But it's that last 10% that I really **** up. The closer it gets to completion, the more I avoid it or ruin it somehow.
I've been fighting this for a while now and I just don't think it's the optimal solution. I can get work done if I really force it, but it's tiring. I don't want my music to tire me out. I think it's related to the perfectionism. I still place so much of my self worth in how good something I create is that I give myself anxiety about finished pieces of music. In my convoluted my mind I somehow believe that if I never finish a song then I don't have to judge myself for it, so the solution is to not finish music.
Same thing with women. I've had opportunities, but I blow all of them by emphasizing my weaknesses and completely throwing out any positives I have about myself and unintentionally killing any steps beyond the initial flirting. My mind is like 'uh oh someones getting to know the real you, better just ruin everything so that doesn't happen'. Yeah. This isn't just going to go away by putting myself out there more. I have to find the roots of this issue and kill it at the source. Otherwise I'll continue to carry out the same familiar patterns over and over.
Clearly what I think I want in life, a part of me thinks it's a bad idea to have. I'm a walking contradiction.
Something similar is also happening to me the more time I spend the more doubts and fault I find and then few days later i will be like Shit.. I should have not done that.. I think its anxiety based or something or confidence or self esteem.
Cinema level fucked up dreams last night. Also insomnia. I'll write more about it when I have time. But it was psychologically and physically disturbing. People being slowly tortured to death by removing organs or giving them diseases while being psychologically manipulated that it was a transcendent experience. Like some kind of cult. New individuals were initiated by killing off sick or close to death ones under the assumption they weren't strong enough to progress and that their journey would be different.
I might be reaching here but I think this is a representation of my subconscious being influenced by the sub but still incredibly untrusting of it. In the dream I slipped in and out of agreeing with what the cult leader was doing and trusting him. I find in my day to day life I have trust issues in general and am more cautious than most people.
You say to achieve, you have to believe. That's not really the case. The truth is, you can achieve without "believing", but you have to be focused, persistent, determined, and stop impeding your own progress.
Love how you guys portray me subconsciously for bringing you these awesome subs and changes, lol
(02-09-2018, 07:17 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You say to achieve, you have to believe. That's not really the case. The truth is, you can achieve without "believing", but you have to be focused, persistent, determined, and stop impeding your own progress.
Love how you guys portray me subconsciously for bringing you these awesome subs and changes, lol
Surely belief helps though? But I see what you're saying, I'm too invested in this whole beliefs thing and self sabotaging myself by procrastinating. The whole "waiting till I'm ready" mentality.
I don't like it anymore than you Shannon lol. When I recounted that dream I was like c'mon I thought we were past this. At this point I feel my subconscious is being overly dramatic. I welcome the day when my dreams involve empowerment and not fear.
(02-09-2018, 09:32 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (02-09-2018, 07:17 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You say to achieve, you have to believe. That's not really the case. The truth is, you can achieve without "believing", but you have to be focused, persistent, determined, and stop impeding your own progress.
Love how you guys portray me subconsciously for bringing you these awesome subs and changes, lol
Surely belief helps though? But I see what you're saying, I'm too invested in this whole beliefs thing and self sabotaging myself by procrastinating. The whole "waiting till I'm ready" mentality.
I don't like it anymore than you Shannon lol. When I recounted that dream I was like c'mon I thought we were past this. At this point I feel my subconscious is being overly dramatic. I welcome the day when my dreams involve empowerment and not fear.
The irrational subconscious is just that. Irrational. I'm not saying that all the parts and/or levels of the subconscious are what we would consciously consider "irrational", but some of them sure as hell are. And they therefore have beliefs and make choices and do things that... make no sense.
It's coming. You wouldn't be dealing with this stuff otherwise. And as much as it has been frustrating to have to go back and re optimize the wall, thank you for showing me where and why that was still necessary.
(02-09-2018, 07:17 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You say to achieve, you have to believe. That's not really the case. The truth is, you can achieve without "believing", but you have to be focused, persistent, determined, and stop impeding your own progress.
Love how you guys portray me subconsciously for bringing you these awesome subs and changes, lol
Not to derail, but I had a dream the other night where I was with my brother in a house. I decided to go outside to check the flagpole as a storm was brewing at the time, apparently. I go out to check it, and a lightning bolt came down from above just about 10 feet from me. I was a bit wide-eyed, looked back to my brother in the house and he had the same look on his face. I casually walked back inside and pretty much immediately woke up and felt a bit startled for a minute or two, lmao.
Apparently, lightning bolts can be a sign of several good things (also bad things but I choose to focus on good things, haha).
http://dreamstop.com/lightning-dream-symbol/
My favourite ones that may be most relevant there are, although several were tangible to my life:
"A lightning strike suggests the impossible will soon become possible. You may find yourself in a completely different situation than you ever expected even only recently."
"If you are close to where lightning strikes but remain unhurt, this is a sign that a great love will soon enter your life. This is a sign of “love at first sight”."
"Dreaming of lightning directly above you is a sign your finances will improve very soon. You will not have to make much effort and it will be enough to set yourself up for the future." (my massive business expansion I've been building out...this is intriguing, lol)
So, there you go! A bit less like the movie "Hostel", LOL. A bit less disturbing.
I don't mind thinking of you as a lightning bolt by comparison, Shannon
.
(02-09-2018, 10:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ] (02-09-2018, 09:32 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (02-09-2018, 07:17 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You say to achieve, you have to believe. That's not really the case. The truth is, you can achieve without "believing", but you have to be focused, persistent, determined, and stop impeding your own progress.
Love how you guys portray me subconsciously for bringing you these awesome subs and changes, lol
Surely belief helps though? But I see what you're saying, I'm too invested in this whole beliefs thing and self sabotaging myself by procrastinating. The whole "waiting till I'm ready" mentality.
I don't like it anymore than you Shannon lol. When I recounted that dream I was like c'mon I thought we were past this. At this point I feel my subconscious is being overly dramatic. I welcome the day when my dreams involve empowerment and not fear.
The irrational subconscious is just that. Irrational. I'm not saying that all the parts and/or levels of the subconscious are what we would consciously consider "irrational", but some of them sure as hell are. And they therefore have beliefs and make choices and do things that... make no sense.
It's coming. You wouldn't be dealing with this stuff otherwise. And as much as it has been frustrating to have to go back and re optimize the wall, thank you for showing me where and why that was still necessary.
Oh cool, didn't know my reporting revealed that much for you. I'll keep note of anything that happens in this journal. So far I've definitely noticed a transition away from that resistance tactic of detaching.
Ya know I think where I'm going wrong with women is thinking I have to be this super confident ambitious dude before I can have anyone interested in me. I'm not saying I'm going to quite striving for my goals, but I have to get rid of this mentality that I have to wait until I'm good enough to even put myself out there. A lot of the stuff I judge my worth on in relation to women are my skills, how much I make, what kind of life I live. To be honest I'm not too happy with my life now. I wish I never picked up PUA shit when I was younger and insecure. So much pollution it did to my mind, so much anxiety and perpetuating black and white thinking. "Be confident all the time bro otherwise girls won't like you, once you slip up it's over". That's bullshit. It's all such bullshit. Women are people and if you get a reasonably intelligent one she's going to have the self awareness to realize that people are complex and not walking caricatures. But if you just want to bang superficial stuck up 10s I guess you have to play their stupid games.
I don't know what it is, but it's always been like "once I get my confidence up, once I get some muscle, once I get better at music, once I get my own place, once I'm in my ideal career, etc". There's always SOMETHING. It's like I'm locking myself away until I reach some idealized version of myself and then release myself into the world. I've always struggled with this belief that in this very moment I'm not good enough, that I need to be better. So much is motivated by fear though instead of enjoyment or excitement about reaching a goal. It always seems like I'm advancing to run away from something.
I'm getting closer to internalizing that state where you don't play the game of life. The stuff that we've been conditioned to believe determines our self worth. I was talking with my brother yesterday and he was saying he needed to break his anxiety over getting straight A's in college. He's a good student, but ultimately in college all that matters is you learn the material and develop your capabilities. He shouldn't be stressing over getting a B on something. It goes back to middle school or high school. When a kid does poorly on a test or something, you just get that indirect message that the grade is bad and you're bad. It just pisses me off because school fosters such a goddamn sheep mentality and usually the people who excel are the ones who just follow instructions and obey the structure. But it doesn't stop at school. Adults are still subtly pressured into obeying this imagined structure of what life should be like.
I really admire people that never even succumbed to that pressure. They just followed a path from a young age and did things their way. I'm still trying. DMSI has gotten to the point for me where I just don't want to live with these stupid self imposed rules anymore. It's not even about finding a good career or doing something with my life anymore, it's about escaping this prison construct in my mind. I honestly believe that's been my life path so far, to transcend all the crap that blinds me to what life really is. I want to completely obliterate every thought or feeling that I was conditioned with growing up and build my own life from the ground up. That's the only way I'll be happy, anything else and I'll just continue to suffer while being painfully aware that there is something more out there I'm not experiencing.
I'm glad this forum exists because for the life of me I can't find other people in my life that hold this mentality. And when people ask you questions about what you're doing, how's life going, career plans, general life talk, it's damn near impossible to engage them in any way without them throwing some fear based excuses your way. It's like being dragged back down into the status quo and if your overall frame isn't strong enough it infects you like a virus. 90% of the time I feel incredibly pretentious about having these thoughts or talking about them with other people. But it's been this quiet rage building up over the years because it feels like I'm not able to be who I am, always being shoved into some nonsense I don't want to do or be a part of. I honestly can't tell sometimes if other people genuinely don't care about any of this or if their fear is buried so deep and the only way they feel better is pulling people down to their level. So here's to everyone on the forum looking for growth and trying to break away from all the BS put into our heads from society.
Ok so quick update. I think that resistance tactic I've been using has been closed off. I notice myself being pulled forward and unable to go to that detached place. Like you know that scene in Fight Club where he's burning his hand with the lye and then he keeps retreating to his cave? It was kind of like that.
Having said that I can't tell if I'm clearing out stuff and experiencing a flood of emotions. Or if it's just my subconscious reacting very strongly now that it can't resist. I was at work today and I just started tearing up, felt like I was about to breakdown and cry. Along with that I've noticed that I'm detaching more from my job and I now realize how much stress I was causing myself by basing my own value on my performance. So when I couldn't figure something out or screwed something I'd always get really anxious and stressed. Now I see that it doesn't have to be that way because the only person who applies any meaning to these events is myself. Other people can think what they want, but ultimately I choose what I feel and how I react to things. I don't have to put any weight in other peoples judgements or opinions about me.
I feel like a lot of that realization is coming from my self esteem getting better. The better I start feeling about myself the easier it gets for me to brush off the negative and not give in to it as a truth. It feels obvious now, but in the past it was damn near impossible for me to not internalize the negative as I felt anything outside of it was just a lie.
Wow. Some major insights hit me today. Apparently part of my mind thought striving to be better meant I was a failure because other people are naturally better than me in some aspects. Along with that was the feeling that I wasn't good enough because I had to make all these improvements, so I was caught in a loop where every time I pushed forward it was further confirmation I wasn't good enough at my core. Talk about irrational. Just goes to show you it's hard understanding the subconscious at times.
So what we have here was a feeling of low self worth perpetuated by a fear of low self worth that was triggered every time there was an attempt to improve.
Shannon if you read this I hope it provides some insight somehow. It really clicked for me and it feels like my conscious and subconscious see eye to eye now. Hoping things are less of a battle from this point forward and more of a cooperative effort. We will see.