(06-08-2018, 06:33 AM)Tigerismyspirit Wrote: [ -> ] (06-07-2018, 05:38 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So I don't know if this is the answer, but for most of my life I've been afraid. Most of my fears seem ridiculous or stupid and that's why I feel like I have no worth. Instead of my fears being something to overcome, I viewed them as an indication of how worthless and incompetent I was. I've never been ok with the idea of being afraid or showing myself understanding for it. It's always been this thing that hangs over my head and I feel I have to hide. I always felt everyone else could live their life and do things more easily than me and it made me feel defective in some way. So basically fear became the trigger for feeling worthless. But they fed off each other. The more worthless I felt, the more I feared people getting to know me, and the more fear I felt the more worthless I felt about the fear.
The solution seems to be starting to understand that fear doesn't mean I'm worthless or incapable. It's just a problem that needs to be solved and I shouldn't feel bad about having these struggles in my life no matter how ridiculous it might seem compared to other people.
You pretty much summed up my life situation as well, mat. I feel like I resonate with you the most in terms of life experiences.
I'm always glad to hear when my posts might helps someone out. A lot of us suffer in silence, thinking we're all alone. But knowing others share our struggles can make us realize we aren't the failures or worthless individuals we've so often told ourselves
Had some more insight into these self worth issues too. It's very rarely just one thing, I've come to realize that so it's important to be open to sort of interlocking issues. But I've started to see that I've always been more of a sensitive person. I was emotionally impacted a lot more than most people, it's just my nature. But unfortunately we live in a world where most people can't see beyond themselves, so when someone is different it's "wrong". The cumulative impact of this caused me to basically stop being who I was naturally. But you can't just not be yourself or trick yourself into being someone different than who you are. All that happens is you disconnect from yourself and live a life of suppression. Gradually I trained myself to think nobody cared what I had to say, what I believed in, what I was passionate about, how I felt, or who I was as a person. So I just became muted, blah, no life to myself, existing but not truly living. The absence of any part of myself was more appealing than the potential consequences of being rejected for who I was.
I was having some trouble at work today working out this database query. I felt the familiar feelings of being incompetent. But then I stopped and realized maybe my other skills are just undervalued in society. Maybe it wasn't that I was incompetent, it was that here in the US its heavily skewed towards a certain type of individual. I have a gift for exploring my own emotional landscape, empathizing with others, being creative, etc. I may not be as great as others at solving logical problems involved in coding and database structure, but I can certainly learn. The thing is I'm not going to beat myself up over who I'm not anymore because it's largely a load of crap what I've been led to believe about worth in society.
I am different and I'm not going to see that as some handicap anymore. I'm going to embrace it and grow from it. Some people may not like it, but it's not my responsibility to contort myself into what other people want. And even if I'm still not the most confident or I get afraid at times, it's fine. I have my challenges, I'm facing them and growing from them. Some people like to nitpick and point out how others aren't as confident or sure of themselves, but they never get to see what they've been through and their attempts at growth. I'm doing my best and that's all that matters. I don't have to get this 100% perfect, I just need to keep moving forward.
Moving to 3 loops from 2. During my 3.1 run it seemed 3 was always the sweet spot for me.
As far as results go with the aura. Nothing major. But I had to go shopping for some dressier clothes for my job. I was waiting on line sort of just daydreaming, thinking about stuff when this hot girl walked in. It wasn't even like I was watching her walk in. I pretty much had a fixed gaze and she walked by and just turned around and locked eyes with me. She kept talking to the cashier in front of her but it was like she was looking at me instead. She had this look in her eyes like she was trying to figure out who I was.
Let me just say it was very confusing for me internally. I'm still working on clearing out these old beliefs and after this happened I found myself thinking that maybe I didn't see what I thought I saw. Instead of running the familiar routine in my head of "Nah she wasn't interested in you, what do you have to offer her? You're just imagining her being attracted to you because you're desperate". Instead I just owned it and said to myself, yeah you know what this is cool let's have more of this. I did notice some fear and anxiety pop up momentarily, but I recognized that as the what if she doesn't like me feelings related to self worth so I addressed it in the moment as best I could.
More and more I'm realizing how deciding what you want to actually believe and be your reality is an incredibly simple concept. It's just getting the mind on board and willing to execute to make it happen. Sometimes your mind can give you some damn convincing excuses why you can't, but in that case it's important to make a decision and stick to it. And that's what I've been doing lately. Despite the setbacks and how I never really received much interest in the past, I'm forming my own mindset independent of what happens out in the world or the past.
Ugh loaded up on caffeine today. It's not the worst thing, but I find myself doing this consistently on the weekends. It's definitely part of a resistance tactic. At work I usually drink herbal tea. I think when I have the caffeine it makes me less anxious in general because it disrupts DMSI from influencing me. It's like powering up the resistant part of me so it can override stuff.
I've been looking back on my life a bit and I've realized I went through really really heavy depressive episodes. During those times there were some tv shows and music I binged on and now those states seem to be linked. I'm hoping with the healing and clearing I can disconnect from those associations and regain appreciation for that stuff without having it trigger anxiety or a feeling of dread. In general I feel like there's more bad stuff I have filling my head right now than good. I'd like to start building more positive memories and associations.
I think that's a large part of what keeps me trapped in cycles. It's those conditioned responses to things I need to break. Triggers that cause me to rerun old programming in my head. Most of which I was never really conscious of. Something as simple as following a simple road that used to lead me to a crappy place I worked at. So then I experience anxiety, but that anxiety gets past on to current life situations and snowballs.
I had a moment when the summer weather started to hit. I stepped outside after work and the smell of the nice weather immediately brought me back to when I was a teenager skating every day. I'd often take a break and look up at the clouds feeling alone, scared, lost. Longing for something different but unable to get it. I just started to feel myself get really emotional. I think a part of me still feels that way.
The other night I looked up at the stars and I thought about life in general. Was I happy? I started thinking about the good job I had, my friends, my family, and my health. But then I stopped myself and told myself to be honest. It's not a hard question, I just overthink it because I've noticed some people get criticized for not being happy. If you have to really think about if you're happy odds are you aren't. When I'm in nature it's like everything makes sense to me. But then when I'm doing everything else in my life it feels artificial and forced. It's hard to describe but it's almost abrasive, like sand paper rubbing against my energy.
The question that's always on my mind. Do a lot of people feel like this? Or is it the fact that I'm different and expected to conform into a system I don't particularly care for? A system that caters towards certain personalities that I don't fit, so I have to find a different way. I know that sounds a bit pretentious, but honestly it feels like I'm trying just too damn hard vs just being. Going against my inner flow seems counterproductive towards my own personal success. I damn sure don't care about societies definition of success anymore, I'm past that point now. I'm trying to associate with people who don't carry on those toxic beliefs as well. Nothings worse than wanting to venture out and other people impose limitations on you because they're afraid.
When you've been doing 2-3 loops, do you feel that you have been more tired and sleep worse? What about super-sneaky resistance-self-sabotage?
(06-13-2018, 08:59 AM)dissonance Wrote: [ -> ]When you've been doing 2-3 loops, do you feel that you have been more tired and sleep worse? What about super-sneaky resistance-self-sabotage?
Sleep is definitely not as restful as I'd like. I find that I'm constantly feeling super tired waking up in the morning. But I've noticed resistance actually go down. I haven't been posting a lot here because I realized my mind used it as a chance to weave elaborate tales and hold me back. Just been trying to stay out of my head for the most part.
So I'm definitely making progress, but it really hit me yesterday, the disconnect between what I understand consciously vs subconsciously. This whole not good enough thing. I understand it has no basis, but I still feel it. It's the little things I notice that makes me realize I still operate out of this belief on a sort of instinctual level. The small ways in which it's like I'm still fighting against myself. It's like I force myself to move forward, but then I stop and think how much energy I expend just pushing against a part that is essential me.
The difference now being I don't accept it as the truth. But I feel I still need to acknowledge it and heal from it somehow. Asking why doesn't really seem to help. It's kind of like this part of me is just stuck and hurt and needs encouragement on an empathetic level. But it's really buried in my mind, it gets to the point where I think to myself "am I making this up?" That's how out of touch I am with this piece of myself
(06-14-2018, 03:45 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So I'm definitely making progress, but it really hit me yesterday, the disconnect between what I understand consciously vs subconsciously. This whole not good enough thing. I understand it has no basis, but I still feel it. It's the little things I notice that makes me realize I still operate out of this belief on a sort of instinctual level. The small ways in which it's like I'm still fighting against myself. It's like I force myself to move forward, but then I stop and think how much energy I expend just pushing against a part that is essential me.
The difference now being I don't accept it as the truth. But I feel I still need to acknowledge it and heal from it somehow. Asking why doesn't really seem to help. It's kind of like this part of me is just stuck and hurt and needs encouragement on an empathetic level. But it's really buried in my mind, it gets to the point where I think to myself "am I making this up?" That's how out of touch I am with this piece of myself
But you are making progress, and by the looks of it, DMSI A has you making better progress than you have ever made before, and faster too. Correct me if I am wrong. But it looks to me like it's just a matter of time now. Keep going!
(06-14-2018, 04:11 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ] (06-14-2018, 03:45 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So I'm definitely making progress, but it really hit me yesterday, the disconnect between what I understand consciously vs subconsciously. This whole not good enough thing. I understand it has no basis, but I still feel it. It's the little things I notice that makes me realize I still operate out of this belief on a sort of instinctual level. The small ways in which it's like I'm still fighting against myself. It's like I force myself to move forward, but then I stop and think how much energy I expend just pushing against a part that is essential me.
The difference now being I don't accept it as the truth. But I feel I still need to acknowledge it and heal from it somehow. Asking why doesn't really seem to help. It's kind of like this part of me is just stuck and hurt and needs encouragement on an empathetic level. But it's really buried in my mind, it gets to the point where I think to myself "am I making this up?" That's how out of touch I am with this piece of myself
But you are making progress, and by the looks of it, DMSI A has you making better progress than you have ever made before, and faster too. Correct me if I am wrong. But it looks to me like it's just a matter of time now. Keep going!
Thanks Shannon. Sometimes it's hard to get a good perspective on what's going on. But within the past few weeks I feel like I've moved from identifying with the pain to seeing it as something that I can move on from. It's a small shift but it feels like the positive is now the truth and the negatives are the delusions. Prior to this it was flipped around.
Basically I can sum up what I'm feeling right now as recovering from amnesia. It no longer feels like I'm changing and instead returning to my original non corrupted self. Before all the expectations and other crap placed on me. I don't exist in this world to be a punching bag for others or live a life being a slave to a system. It all feels more like remembering rather than pushing for some grand change.
Removing that need for validation from others, it's what frees me the most. No longer giving in to the stress of not being good at something or not working hard enough or any manner of motivations fueled by my fear of what others may think. I've realized life has been so stressful for me because I felt like I had to prove something all the time. But I'm done playing that game. That automatic script that runs in my head no longer has to be responded to.
Another insight. Independence is good, but you have to be open too. I struggle with this a bit. Not trusting others as much. I want all the perks of close relationships without the closeness. The self worth has improved a lot. Now I have to work on this fear of people. And the fear manifests itself as this paranoia with close relationships. I may have improved self worth but strong emotions are part of me and it still hurts when people break that trust you put in them. I don't know if that will ever go away. But I do know this constant striving to be emotionally bulletproof has caused more trouble than if I accepted the flow of emotions within me.
(06-14-2018, 08:30 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (06-14-2018, 04:11 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ] (06-14-2018, 03:45 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So I'm definitely making progress, but it really hit me yesterday, the disconnect between what I understand consciously vs subconsciously. This whole not good enough thing. I understand it has no basis, but I still feel it. It's the little things I notice that makes me realize I still operate out of this belief on a sort of instinctual level. The small ways in which it's like I'm still fighting against myself. It's like I force myself to move forward, but then I stop and think how much energy I expend just pushing against a part that is essential me.
The difference now being I don't accept it as the truth. But I feel I still need to acknowledge it and heal from it somehow. Asking why doesn't really seem to help. It's kind of like this part of me is just stuck and hurt and needs encouragement on an empathetic level. But it's really buried in my mind, it gets to the point where I think to myself "am I making this up?" That's how out of touch I am with this piece of myself
But you are making progress, and by the looks of it, DMSI A has you making better progress than you have ever made before, and faster too. Correct me if I am wrong. But it looks to me like it's just a matter of time now. Keep going!
Thanks Shannon. Sometimes it's hard to get a good perspective on what's going on. But within the past few weeks I feel like I've moved from identifying with the pain to seeing it as something that I can move on from. It's a small shift but it feels like the positive is now the truth and the negatives are the delusions. Prior to this it was flipped around.
Now you have to keep going long enough to make the changes permanent and finish them.
But congratulations, you're doing it! That makes my year.
I'm currently at 3 loops. Should I stay here for a while or keep on upping exposure?
(06-15-2018, 12:08 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm currently at 3 loops. Should I stay here for a while or keep on upping exposure?
I suggest trying to increase loops by one per day each X number of units of time.
So perhaps do 3 loops for a week or a month, then 4.
Go according to how quickly you are growing. Keep pushing yourself to continue growing.
(06-15-2018, 03:06 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ] (06-15-2018, 12:08 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm currently at 3 loops. Should I stay here for a while or keep on upping exposure?
I suggest trying to increase loops by one per day each X number of units of time.
So perhaps do 3 loops for a week or a month, then 4.
Go according to how quickly you are growing. Keep pushing yourself to continue growing.
Thanks Shannon. This past week I was testing 3. Next week I'll be on 4. I feel like I've picked up momentum and I've had the urge to keep challenging myself to grow by any means necessary.