I've decided to switch back to A. B has been great because it's taught me how to keep moving forward. But I'm at a point now where I see my sticking points, I see them from a problem-solution standpoint. I need to build up the foundation more before I can really let loose with the B side of DMSI. Otherwise I'm pumping the brakes with a part of me that is resisting.
My intuition is back. After really meditating on where I'm at in life and what I want. I've realized I've been suppressing what I truly desire. Along with that I've been suppressing that part of me that doesn't feel worthy enough for any of it. It's odd but I can really feel one side of me executing dmsi while another isn't ready. After asking myself which side I should use I got a strong push for A.
I'm not worried about falling in that healing cycle trap. I think I'm beyond that now. I've realized I'm the one healing and I control it. My problem in the past was playing A but waiting for some part of me to fix everything. I've noticed with B my mind has been gravitating towards focus on my deep core issues and healing from them, so I might as well use A to power up that process. And now that I look back on A there was even strong resistance to healing itself because of fear. So I might not have taken care of everything as much as I thought.
All in all I'm practicing more emotional honesty with myself. How I feel vs how I should feel. Analyzing things from an objective standpoint and understanding where I need to go to solve these issues. I've determined that strong self worth issues along with fear are my main sticking points vs fear alone. But fear is definitely the one that had a tendency to sabotage the whole process.
I just made the switch back to A, myself. Switching back-and-forth really does seem to promote the most forward progress. Like you, when intuition screams, "You've hit the wall, and done all you can for now on this version," I switch, and invariably make progressive strides. Good choice - it'll be interesting to see where you're at in a few weeks time.
I've been doing the same, pretty much. Albeit I did spend a whole lotta more time on ver. B than ver. A (in total, since release, about 10 weeks ver. A, the rest was ver. B). Still, probably while I'm done with this ver. B ASRB cycle, I'm switiching back to ver. A for a week or two, too.
Good to hear I'm not alone with this strategy. I've actually been missing the healing since about last week. Even before dmsi I also had a lot of self awareness and did my own healing. So I'm kind of naturally adept at navigating the emotional landscape. But if the goal is freedom I have to find and eliminate what holds me back.
So A side is definitely digging at something. I didn't even listen to it yesterday during the day, but just the decision alone to switch to it seemed to have brought on the healing. Long story short at about 1 in the afternoon I found myself almost to the point of tears at my desk. The deeper I went the more I lost focus on my work. It felt like DMSI was guiding me towards what was truly important and needed attention in my life, not all this superficial crap we get wrapped up in.
But it seems I also got hit with a migraine yesterday as well. Not sure if the two are related. All I know is that I am very emotionally repressed. Some of these emotions don't make sense on a conscious level, but they are there and I've learned you can't just ignore them. I think that's what I tried to do with B.
In prior runs of A I was so caught up in what healing was supposed to feel like that I controlled the process too much. My experience yesterday was deeply unpleasant, it felt like those moments in my life where I felt all alone and thought nobody loved me. Very painful, heavy emotions. Ones I just moved on from to be a functional person, but never really healed from. It's always surreal coming face to face with this stuff, almost a feeling of no I don't feel that way. But I guess.thats what denial is right? If I was fully conscious of these things I would have worked through them by now vs trying to shove them down and move on with my life.
Well I think I fucked up. I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into the healing trap but that's what I did. I'm doing what's comfortable, what I know, what feels right. I was typing out a whole post about all the inner turmoil I faced on B and why A is so important. But I literally stopped mid way and thought to myself "I'm trying to justify why I ran from B in a way that makes me feel good and gives me validation from others on this forum"
Most of my progress that came from this sub is when I followed stuff that didn't feel right. When it feels right or I feel good about it 9/10 that's my subconscious feeling comfortable which means not doing enough to push past my fears.
I thought I would have the awareness to push my subconscious away from the healing loophole, but I've realized once again the option just cannot be there. Even now as I type this I anticipate someone telling me that this is resistance from going deeper into the healing with A. That I should stay on A.
Well I spent a majority of my time on A and I know where that road leads. Back to B for me.
(08-23-2018, 01:29 AM)Infinite Wrote: [ -> ]I was on A for one week. Yesterday, I played two A tracks by mistake . For me, A seems to be so rough. I actually think that I get butthurt when I play A. I even had similar dreams under A and B. In the A dream, the snake's eye was right near my face! Disturbing dream for healing. Under B, another family kept a crocodile as a pet. Interesting dream.
A is tricky sometimes. Although it seems in your case it might have cleared out a fear for you? The other one with a crocodile for a pet is very interesting. If I had to guess that was like domesticating fear, having control over it and not having it wild.
You know I told myself to stick with B, which I'm going to do. But I'd love to know how my subconscious manages to keep me stuck whenever I use A. Without fail every time I've used it, it's like I end up hyperfocusing on internal trauma or emotional damage. Which would be fine if I move past it, but it seems like I actually generate more of it by focusing on it too much. Small issues explode into ridiculously over dramatic things.
Right now I'm trying to sort of calibrate where I left off with B. I was making some good progress until I bailed for A. The best way I can explain how I think B works for me. Let's say all the emotional issues and insecurities are like a huge boulder in the middle of a path. A chips away at that boulder until it's gone, B just finds a path around it. Now I don't know if that's how A is supposed to work or if I'm just supposed to disconnect from the stuff. But B is like having the awareness to choose not to respond to all those things that might trigger those insecurities or emotional issues. It's all about cutting the ties to these past negative scripts because it's my insistence on indulging in them that causes the misery.
Interesting. So what I thought was me pushing past fear and resistance was actually a sort of armored defense by causing tension in my body. I notice when a part of me gets influenced more strongly by dmsi, my body would start to tense up and I thought this was me fighting past the fear. When in reality it was a way to prevent influence.
Had some insight today. I think the reason A trips me up so bad is because it triggers my perfectionism. Suddenly the healing is no longer about healing to feel better. It's healing to be good enough, which is a disaster.
This hasn't been dmsi. This has been a longstanding issue I've had to battle with. This strong desire to improve upon myself that doesn't come from a healthy mindset. It constantly feels like I need to "fix" something. But that urge to fix is actually a reflection of me not having a healthy relationship with myself.
I think B works better for me because I move away from that "fix it" mentality to one where I learn to accept myself flaws and all and just live. It's a bit like exposure therapy. Where I don't obsess about the past or all these inner issues, I just take things moment to moment and re-evaluate how I approach things and how I perceive myself. Instead of obsessively trying to fix every little flaw I come across in myself, I allow myself to experience them and understand they aren't as big of a deal as I made them out to be. There's definitely always been this fear of making mistakes in me, but without a doubt trying to get things 100% right or perfect all the time in attempts to avoid failure has resulted in me doing nothing at all.
There's a lot I still need to come to terms with regarding myself. It seems over the years trying obsessively to be perfect has sort of lowered my tolerance for objectively seeing what needs improvement in myself. So instead I experience this fear that just holds me in place. A part of me still has very strong feelings about making mistakes so that it would rather hold onto old dysfunctional patterns vs trying something new.
As a side note. Had a really stressful work week. Came home completely drained today. I think this week really brought things to light for me regarding making mistakes. The guy above me was on vacation so I was sort of just holding things down. Of course stuff started acting up, stuff I didn't have the answer to. Then managers were asking me what's going on, whens it going to be fixed. Meanwhile I'm trying to set up a computer for a new hire starting in a few days and purchasing ridiculously expensive software licenses that I'm not comfortable doing. Even though it was requested I purchase the licenses, I was worried i would spend too much and I'd get blamed for costing the company money.
For me it's a constant battle of feeling like maybe I'm just not taking responsibility for my duties and owning this position fully. But then another part of me says, "hey this isn't really what you want to be doing". Maybe I'd feel more comfortable taking on more responsibilities if it didn't always feel so much like life and death for me. Sometimes I really wish I didn't care as much about making mistakes. I'm trying to correct that mentality, but the fear and anxiety is still there. It's a very strongly ingrained pattern that I'm working on breaking down, but sometimes it's all just a bit too much and I crack.
So apparently weekends are now full time resistance bonanzas for me. I just came out of what I can only call a state of profound anxiety doing anything other than laying in my bed staring up at the ceiling.
Towards the end of it I was just getting really pissed off. Not for my behavior. Just everything in my life past and present. Just giving a fuck too much about everything. Constantly feeling like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill with no end in sight. I think what really triggered me was I was talking to this girl on tinder and I found myself at a loss for what to say. Then it turned into trying to figure out how to not kill the conversation like I've done a bunch of other times. Then it turned into, this is fucking miserable I don't even care anymore. And no, I don't want strategies for getting better at this, that's not my goal. I just want to NOT have to think about every single goddamn interaction in my life on a micromanaging level. And I know it's resistance, but how the hell do you counteract apathy? I don't think you can. Because if you try to force yourself to enjoy it, the complete opposite happens. Ever try to have fun when you're not having fun? Incredibly stressful.
Everything just has me irritated and on edge. Part of me wants to just be all calm and rational and weigh out the pros and cons and keep things in perspective. Another part of me just wants to rage out. I've always been calm, but I'm starting to think I never processed any anger in my life in a healthy way. Always trying to show the "good" emotions, not the bad ones. Other people may be content with the lifestyle I'm currently living, but god it fills me with so much anger to go day after day the same mundane shit mon-friday. And I know complaining about it without doing anything is useless, but sometimes I just feel the need to scream. Because it boils up inside of me and I ignore it while just auto piloting through the work week just so I can make it to the weekend. These stupid goddamn shackles I put on myself, tying myself to circumstances just because I'm too afraid to move outside of them.
You ever look at other people's achievements and how they do what they love in life? Then you reflect on your own life and realized you've built a prison for yourself? Worst of all you realize how some people unconsciously want you stay in that prison because they're also part of it. Fuck man, how did we all get so screwed up and lead each other towards misery as the standard of life?
Fun is natural result of ease and flow. You trying to hard. Try too hard kill fun. Stop with expectations and demands on self all time! You killing fun, man. Analyze this, examine that, trying to hard! Fun happen when you let go and just relax and enjoy! You start having fun now, okay?
