So there's definitely something going on here. I thought I was done with emotional healing for the most part. But I decided instead of ignoring my emotions and waiting for DMSI to heal them I'd sit with them and see what comes up. I've been hiding from this stuff through work, tv shows, and working on my music. But there's definitely still stuff there I haven't come to terms with. I kept thinking if I just sucked it up and kept trying to bulldoze through everything I'd reach my goals.
I got hit with flashbacks today of my parents fighting. Feeling like it was all my fault in some way. Wanting to run away and hide in my room and not come out. I always got really upset when stuff like this happened. Made it feel like it wasn't safe in my own house. The unpredictable nature of it was what got me the most. I could go from having a pretty good day to a bad one with no warning. Maybe that's where my anxiety around people comes from, unable to let down my guard for fear of conflict arising or an inability to trust.
I think part of my mind is still stuck at these moments of time and despite being fully grown I still act out how I felt as a child because I never really acknowledged any of it. In any case I'm trying harder to not dismiss what comes up to be healed and I'm trying to be more connected to my own emotions. Despite a lot of my suffering over the years emotionally I've realized I'm actually really disconnected from how I feel in general.
Besides that finally finished up a song I've been working on. Figured I'd share it here because what the hell. I talk about my music a lot but never really show anyone my stuff. The title is pretty self explanatory and it's one of the few songs I've written lately where I was able to actually capture how I was feeling.
https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/leave-...ace-behind
That is really interesting how you did capture feeling and express what you've been writing about.
(05-29-2018, 06:52 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]That is really interesting how you did capture feeling and express what you've been writing about.
Thanks Shannon. It's one of the things I love about music. It bypasses the words. It's like being able to make a statement in the most direct way possible, no filler or anything.
I've decided I'm just going to be sticking with two loops instead of increasing. At least for a month. I want to observe how two loops effects me as much as possible.
Right now I'm really working on my negative thinking. I thought I had it under control and I could just stop it through sheer willpower. But it turns out the negative thoughts were still going, but I lost conscious awareness of them. I think maybe part of me didn't want to admit I still had these negative thoughts. But allowing them and addressing them is way better than trying to just fight them off and expend all that energy. In a way I've been seeing just how much more emotional healing I need to do and it overwhelms me. It's like crap, I thought I went pretty deep before but it just keeps coming. When does it really end? Of course constantly telling myself I was done and there was nothing left to heal seemed to be a way to avoid getting to the really important stuff that needed to heal the most.
I wonder if I'm getting TID from 3.3 or if the two loops is finally breaking me through. I'm coming to some hard realization lately, not pleasant at all really. The first one is that I'm an underachiever and I avoid doing anything if it causes me anxiety. I'd rationalize it as me conserving my energy and spending it on things I actually care about. But lately at my job I've been getting more responsibilities and for a while I had this apathetic/I don't care approach. I realized today the apathetic attitude is a way to get out of potential failure or facing things that are challenging. If I don't care, then I don't have to try or be worried about the results. But I also don't grow and I self sabotage myself, which I don't want.
It hit me today I've been incredibly black and white in my approach to life. I love making music, but my focus was so narrow that that's all I focused on. Everything was a waste of time or an obstacle getting in my way. This was the wrong approach. This is like the person that moves to hollywood, has no backup plan or savings, and prays they make it in the entertainment business. I was putting my eggs in one basket and praying for the best. The reality is that my music is nowhere near good enough to get me anywhere yet, music itself, especially electronic music, is hard to sustain yourself on, and even if I did make music my full time job somehow I'd have to blow up pretty big or have enough fans to not stress about money. And stress about money kills creativity.
I'm not giving up on my dreams, but being ill prepared for the future and coasting on a dream that may not happen is a dangerous thing to do. I know a lot of people say you have to say screw it and go after what you want. But I've realized it's not that simple. At the very least you have to have the ability to sustain yourself somehow, whether that's working part time or full time. But I've realized I still have a lot of internal work to do and I was using these dreams as an escape from reality. It used to be I'd get really depressed and think life wasn't worth living if I couldn't do something with my music. But it always came from a place of avoidance vs passion. I wanted a life surrounded by music because that's what I was most familiar with and semi-good at. Everything else scared me or made me feel like I couldn't do it. That's not really freedom in my eyes.
Avoidance is a really bad thing. It starts out small and then it grows. Pretty soon you're turning down opportunities because you're convinced it's not good for you in some way. Meanwhile the ocean of possibilities gets smaller and smaller until you're left to wallow in a shallow puddle. Confined to a limited view of the world and what you can or can't handle.
Going through another rough patch. I have to say that there's a lot of unresolved emotions. One thing I've consistently struggled with is to not be "negative". But this has caused me to suppress a lot and as a consequence it had more control over me. Right now I feel really beat down, uninspired, lost, hopeless. I'm doing my best to give myself a healing compassionate space vs criticizing myself for my inability to just switch on positivity and happiness. I know this is necessary to go through all this and pull these issues out at the roots. Otherwise I'll keep trying to keep up the impression of being perfectly fine for the sake of what others think.
Man it never ceases to amaze me what kind of mental gymnastics my mind will do to rationalize fear in my head. When it comes to determination and follow through I think the true sign of having it is when even in your lowest of lows you keep going. For a while I thought I had to work on cultivating this super optimistic success oriented state. The problem is that it's helpful but not necessary. Shannon mentioned it before but the idea that you need to believe in yourself to achieve success is not necessary.
In a way placing too much importance on it backfires. You start thinking that you need to have the right beliefs in place before you take action.
I don't know what it's going to take for me to execute DMSI, but I do know waiting around for a huge breakthrough is no good. To be honest I've been feeling the complete opposite of what dmsi is instructing me to do. And I don't really know what to actually do. It's like telling me to be sexy, but I have no frame of reference for it so my mind immediately rejects it as outside my reality. I can feel what's holding me back and identify it but it feels stuck. I can override it for a few days but I get pulled back once my energy dips. Either I'm still in the process of healing from something or my subconscious just outright refuses to move on from it for some reason.
I guarantee you have a frame of reference for all of what the script is instructing you to do. You may not have experienced a lot of things for yourself yet, but you have societal examples and cues from TV, books, movies and social experiences.
What you're dealing with is almost certainly the First Key, which is that your subconscious noticed that the safeties were placed in such a way that it was free to interpret anything it was afraid of as "unsafe", and therefore refuse to execute the rest of the instructions based on "I'm executing this part instead".
3.3 will have this one taken care of.
In the meantime, try to work with yourself on it being okay to execute. Then understand that coming from deep, intense fear as you are, it will most likely be a process, not a breakthrough.
(06-01-2018, 04:14 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What you're dealing with is almost certainly the First Key, which is that your subconscious noticed that the safeties were placed in such a way that it was free to interpret anything it was afraid of as "unsafe", and therefore refuse to execute the rest of the instructions based on "I'm executing this part instead".
Wait, by "this part" do you mean a) this part that says IF (dangerous) THEN (do not execute) or b) this other part of the script where I am becoming more successful or less stressed, or something?
(06-01-2018, 03:42 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I don't know what it's going to take for me to execute DMSI, but I do know waiting around for a huge breakthrough is no good. To be honest I've been feeling the complete opposite of what dmsi is instructing me to do. And I don't really know what to actually do. It's like telling me to be sexy, but I have no frame of reference for it so my mind immediately rejects it as outside my reality. I can feel what's holding me back and identify it but it feels stuck. I can override it for a few days but I get pulled back once my energy dips. Either I'm still in the process of healing from something or my subconscious just outright refuses to move on from it for some reason.
I can totally relate with mat422 here. I have no idea whatsoever how I'll be achieving the goals of DMSI. I brought girls to my place a number of times before. However, it feels like I'm drowning in a sea and there is no guarantee I can reach the shore where the beautiful women are waiting for me.
(06-01-2018, 04:14 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I guarantee you have a frame of reference for all of what the script is instructing you to do. You may not have experienced a lot of things for yourself yet, but you have societal examples and cues from TV, books, movies and social experiences.
What you're dealing with is almost certainly the First Key, which is that your subconscious noticed that the safeties were placed in such a way that it was free to interpret anything it was afraid of as "unsafe", and therefore refuse to execute the rest of the instructions based on "I'm executing this part instead".
3.3 will have this one taken care of.
In the meantime, try to work with yourself on it being okay to execute. Then understand that coming from deep, intense fear as you are, it will most likely be a process, not a breakthrough.
Thanks Shannon. I had a feeling I was stuck in that selective execution.
Viewing it as a process will definitely help. I tend to want fast change but at the same time it terrifies me. I'll have to slow down a bit and work with that fearful part more.
(06-01-2018, 05:55 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ] (06-01-2018, 04:14 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]What you're dealing with is almost certainly the First Key, which is that your subconscious noticed that the safeties were placed in such a way that it was free to interpret anything it was afraid of as "unsafe", and therefore refuse to execute the rest of the instructions based on "I'm executing this part instead".
Wait, by "this part" do you mean a) this part that says IF (dangerous) THEN (do not execute) or b) this other part of the script where I am becoming more successful or less stressed, or something?
The safety limiter limits execution to what is safe, both in what to execute and how much. It is designed to keep the program from overloading the nervous system, but it currently acts as a limiter for anything your subconscious defines as "unsafe". That turns out to be an escape route for defining something as "unsafe" just because it is feared. So, in 3.3, the safeties will only prevent overload, as originally intended.
So it's interesting how ever since I started DMSI my life has been steadily improving, yet it feels like it's getting worse. Recently my job responsibilities have grown and despite handling the tasks given to me I'm convinced I can't do it. This caused feelings of wanting to leave the job as I was "unhappy". But the unhappiness was really a clever rationalization for being afraid of pushing my comfort zone and taking on more challenges. The irony was when I didn't have as many challenges in the job I was getting restless, but I also didn't want challenges because I was afraid of failing. The more I push towards success, the more it seems part of me wants to just sabotage all of it in favor of "safety". Unfortunately my idea of safety is unemployed and never leaving the house. That's not an option, so I wish my subconscious would stop attempting to bring that about.
Along with that is my music. I've gotten better, but all I see is stuff I don't like. There's boundaries and challenges I have to push with that too. My subconscious response? Let's just stop working on music and binge watch a tv show instead. I don't feel particularly good doing that, but I don't feel particularly good making music either at the moment. So everything kind of just sucks.
And as far as women goes. My self esteem took a serious nose dive these past few weeks. Which I got wrapped up in instead of remaining detached towards it.
It's like my subconscious is trying to get me to see I'm just a big massive failure therefore I should just quit dmsi. It masks or minimizes the success and magnifies the negative.
(06-02-2018, 02:04 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]And as far as women goes. My self esteem took a serious nose dive these past few weeks. Which I got wrapped up in instead of remaining detached towards it.
It's like my subconscious is trying to get me to see I'm just a big massive failure therefore I should just quit dmsi. It masks or minimizes the success and magnifies the negative.
Why do you always say the things that I feel too, mat422?
(06-02-2018, 03:44 PM)Razib1988 Wrote: [ -> ] (06-02-2018, 02:04 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]And as far as women goes. My self esteem took a serious nose dive these past few weeks. Which I got wrapped up in instead of remaining detached towards it.
It's like my subconscious is trying to get me to see I'm just a big massive failure therefore I should just quit dmsi. It masks or minimizes the success and magnifies the negative.
Why do you always say the things that I feel too, mat422?
Well if I had to guess it's that a lot of us are reacting in a similar manner towards DMSI. I've always been able to accurately translate the mess of feelings inside my body into words.
Working on really allowing DMSI to pull me through these fears and face them. I'm realizing all this thinking, theorizing, and trying to figure things out kept digging me deeper and deeper into a rabbit hole of confusion and fear. So enough is enough, no more thinking, just doing. Executing the script is terrifying, but I have to face the fear and show my subconscious there's nothing to fear and that we can get past it. Just wish I wasn't so afraid of absolutely nothing. I'm afraid of things that could possibly go wrong and I'm afraid of things that are different. It's just all my life I've had an irrational fear that's held me in place. Even if I moved up and improved somehow, once I settled into a comfort zone it's like that fearful part of me reset and I was once again trapped. I'd like to just live without that so I have the freedom to make choices without feeling the need to battle some inner part of me that drags me back down.