(05-21-2018, 03:52 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (05-21-2018, 01:59 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]The fact that people are afraid of being freed from their fears was a big shocker to me, at first. But a lot of people labor under the delusion that their fears keep them safe.
Being afraid of letting go of your anxiety is just another way of saying you're afraid of not being afraid because then you might not "be safe". Anxiety is just fear with a different name.
Fear does not keep you safe. Common sense keeps you safe. You know better than to jump off a skyscraper if you want to stay alive even while standing on the ground, right? No fear of heights then, is there.
Makes perfect sense. How do I get my subconscious to realize that though? And have you ever personally dealt with this Shannon?
As to how to get your subconscious to realize it, I'm still figuring that out. It's a logical thing being presented to an illogical awareness.
Have I ever dealt with it? You bet. I was terrified of my own shadow most of my life.
Quote:I recall I reached the conclusion about fear of letting go of fear when I first ran EHPRA ver. 1. Despite understanding how ridiculous it was I wasn't able to get past it. The more I grappled with trying to let go of the fear, the more fear I experienced. Eventually I realized that I wasn't able to deal with fear directly so I just focused on what I could improve. It was a compromise at the time. It seems like DMSI won't settle for that compromise so I'm continually pushing up against that fear.
If the compromise will not lead to the goals, DMSI will not allow it.
Quote:Is this what you were working on with beast? Or along the same lines of it as the cause of resistance?
Not even close. What I'm working on in beast is a clever intentional "creative interpretation" of a significantly important part of the script (read: convenient misinterpretation) that allows it to claim execution of the script by refusing to execute the script that will lead to the goals.
I have found the issue, and a solution, and if this solution works, we should see the brakes come off for a lot of this resistance.
I'm hoping it's what I think it is. I don't think it'll account for everything, but I think this and one other thing which is showing up in the models, but which I haven't found yet, will account for the vast majority of it.
(05-21-2018, 04:11 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Not even close. What I'm working on in beast is a clever intentional "creative interpretation" of a significantly important part of the script (read: convenient misinterpretation) that allows it to claim execution of the script by refusing to execute the script that will lead to the goals.
I have found the issue, and a solution, and if this solution works, we should see the brakes come off for a lot of this resistance.
I'm hoping it's what I think it is. I don't think it'll account for everything, but I think this and one other thing which is showing up in the models, but which I haven't found yet, will account for the vast majority of it.
Sounds promising. Looking forward to it. Though I am continually amazed what lengths the subconscious will go to to avoid change.
(05-21-2018, 04:37 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ] (05-21-2018, 04:11 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Not even close. What I'm working on in beast is a clever intentional "creative interpretation" of a significantly important part of the script (read: convenient misinterpretation) that allows it to claim execution of the script by refusing to execute the script that will lead to the goals.
I have found the issue, and a solution, and if this solution works, we should see the brakes come off for a lot of this resistance.
I'm hoping it's what I think it is. I don't think it'll account for everything, but I think this and one other thing which is showing up in the models, but which I haven't found yet, will account for the vast majority of it.
Sounds promising. Looking forward to it. Though I am continually amazed what lengths the subconscious will go to to avoid change.
It's not so much avoiding change as avoiding what is feared. I just don't yet understand why it fears, and how to turn off fear fully or prevent it fully.
I went from a ton of rage and getting angry at the part of myself that is afraid of what other people think to understanding and consequently more emotional processing.
I think it's about time I stop trying to deny who I am as a person or individual. Being an introvert and more sensitive, honestly not at all typical masculinity has always made me feel like I needed to toughen up or be someone else. Or that I was somehow flawed and needed to be "fixed". A lot of anxiety just comes from the fact that I've never been ok with who I am. I always saw it as shameful somehow.
I guess that brings me to my next thought. Maybe holding this belief of needing to fix myself caused me to not even heal in the first place. If I felt I wasn't good enough somehow and I kept trying to overwrite that not good enough feeling by being someone else, then I never really tackled the core issue. Of course there's fear to consider as well. If I gave myself permission to feel good enough about myself that would mean people would be interacting with the real me and it would be "dangerous" to expose myself to them. I seemed to always bounce between the extremes of "I'm worthless" and "I'm going to completely reject who I am and be someone else". So I'd either be knee deep in shame and self loathing or in constant denial of parts of me I needed to integrate.
Going to experiment with two loops. I noticed I've been somewhat more responsive to dsmi lately, perhaps TID from increasing to two loops. I'll see how this goes.
Tonight's two loops. Had my rest night yesterday. Weird dream. Another cinematic sort of experience. Basically me and thousands of other people were held underground. We were forced to worship the sun. Told there were bad things above ground. I got tired of the control and fought everyone and led a rebellion to the surface where we discovered it was all a lie. Some really rich woman for her own amusement constructed that place so she could have full control. Weird sort of narcissistic/sociopathic behavior.
Anyway. No idea what that means. The sun worship could be my subconscious interpretation of energy sourcing. Maybe the woman is how I perceive fear? Being this thing that claims it's keeping me safe while limiting my freedom. All I know is I woke up pissed from this dream.
Have this feeling of enough is enough. Whatever I'm discontent with in my life is my doing. Nobody is forcing me to stay at this job or in this area. I convince myself all the time that I just have to accept things and make the best of them vs really pushing to shatter these illusions.
No more of the having to accept myself more before I change mentality. My subconscious is trying to figure out ways to frame staying the same in a positive light and it's been throwing me off. It's like cool self acceptance that means it's ok if I don't push for more than good enough. That's my goal right now, screw good enough I want my life to be great. I want to be great and I don't want to feel any shame or doubt about it. Enough of this Stockholm syndrome nonsense of holding onto limitations
I slipped up today but I'm back on it. 2 loops seems to be keeping me on track more than one, less opportunity to mess about derailing myself. I've identified one of my strongest resistance tactics. It seems like what I thought was healing was detaching from the influence of the sub. Basically DMSI pushes me to do something, it doesn't feel good, I release or let go of what I thought was anxiety but was actually the instructions from dmsi. No anxiety, but no execution either. Then the rationalization that because the anxiety is gone I am in someway moving forward. This sets up reinforcement for continuing to detach from the influence of the sub under the false assumption I'll achieve results sometime in the future. It's a feedback loop of resistance being reinforced.
Overall I just needlessly complicate everything. I stopped today and asked myself "if I truly let go of control what would I be doing right now?" I realize the healing is taking place, but the more I heal the more I get closer to the goal which causes me to pull back. But the healing has to be in the context of actually executing the program, otherwise I'm stalling.
I think the hardest part of DMSI is sometimes the delusion that you are heading in the right direction but it's wrong. Weird because the tv show I'm watching at the moment has a whole section on delusions and how they alter your reality. Obviously it's not a delusion if you can see it's a delusion.
Edit: Sorry, mat422, I thought I posted my question in Shannon's journal discussion forum. My deep apologies. Didn't mean to derail your journal.
(05-25-2018, 04:32 PM)Razib1988 Wrote: [ -> ]Edit: Sorry, mat422, I thought I posted my question in Shannon's journal discussion forum. My deep apologies. Didn't mean to derail your journal.
All good man.
So I'm sitting in my bed right now. Gotta go grocery shopping and I'm putting it off. Lately I've had such a reluctance to leave the house. I don't know if it's because I hate driving around here or if I just hate going out in public. But in any case it's this minor stuff I'd really like to get a hold of. Just adds to the stress of life when I know I have to do something sometime in the future and I'm anxious about it. I do need to get out more, but I don't want to at the same time. Part of it is my limited time for creating music now that I work full time. I get kind of anxious if I go a whole free day without working on something.
I don't know I just don't get how some people do a ton of stuff in a day. For me it's draining. I do want to experience life more but it always feels like I'm too tired to enjoy anything.
I'm starting to think I waste a lot of energy trying to control fear directly and it just doesn't work at all for me. It's like fighting fire with fire. I get angry and stressed trying to get rid of it but I influence that part of my mind very little. I'm only causing myself more trouble. I have to reevaluate my whole approach. I wish it wasn't there but it is and at this point I feel I'm better off changing my response to fear vs the fear itself.
One of the things I've had to learn the hard way is getting deeper into my head and analyzing the fear causes nothing but mass confusion. It's like getting pulled into a vortex of self doubt and paralyzing emotion. I've had days where I sit down on the couch thinking I'll just be 5 minutes and I just get sucked into this frozen state. Feels like I'm stuck and it requires a ton of energy to get moving again. I don't particularly like the whole idea of staying busy to avoid these traps either though. There's a solution here I just don't see really except to keep going and hope for the best.
After this cycle I'm going to try 3 loops. I'll keep that going until I decide it's too much to handle. This way I can consistently see how the number of loops effects me.
I enjoy reading your posts Matt, as I know what you're saying, even when you question if you're clear or not. I'm an INFP too, so your thinking and feeling styles are very similar.
You mentioned trying to control fear. I do that constantly, but being on DMSI reminds me to allow it to do the work, not me. I have stressed myself consistently too while on subs......but I'm trying to allow the sub to do its intended changes in me. DMSI has so much power, and I'm actively trying to trust it. My goal is not all about sex, but being on B now, my focus has definitely changed.
I believe I've given fear too much authority and attention in my life. If not for ARA, SE, and PTPA, I might be swimming in world of fear, pain, and chaos to just derail the whole thing.
And analyzing. This is a gift actually, for you're trying to understand what's happening. In my own life this last year, I discovered and accepted that me overanalyzing is often a control tactic and a procrastination effort. You mentioned procrastination via making "perfect" songs last week, and I can soooooo relate. I am a musician myself (not professionally), and your posting made me see some connections:
Specifically, sexual desires and expressions come out clearly in music. I repressed my sexual desires in middle school after some trauma. At the same time I began playing cornet, and I played constantly. Music was and is medicine to myself. I played throughout college on a music scholarship. Stopped playing once out of college, for....the desires and expression linked back to trauma.
But you know what? DMSI is waking me up inside! I don't usually sing much around guys--for again it's linked to trauma in my head. I sang a few times this week, and I felt pride in myself! I expected to sing a few seconds, then stifle it to not have painful feelings. My voice felt STRONG though, and I wanted to sing more, which I did. For this reason, this connection, I may play my cornet with the local Women's Club in the July 4th parade. I've done maybe 5 or 6 parades with them, but I didn't play last year. I just may this year :-). Expressing myself again feels good!
I share this since you may make some connections yourself. And also to encourage you. Thank you for your writing style, as I get it. It takes a lot of courage to be honest, you are very open here, so I enjoy your posts.
(05-27-2018, 06:31 AM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]I enjoy reading your posts Matt, as I know what you're saying, even when you question if you're clear or not. I'm an INFP too, so your thinking and feeling styles are very similar.
You mentioned trying to control fear. I do that constantly, but being on DMSI reminds me to allow it to do the work, not me. I have stressed myself consistently too while on subs......but I'm trying to allow the sub to do its intended changes in me. DMSI has so much power, and I'm actively trying to trust it. My goal is not all about sex, but being on B now, my focus has definitely changed.
I believe I've given fear too much authority and attention in my life. If not for ARA, SE, and PTPA, I might be swimming in world of fear, pain, and chaos to just derail the whole thing.
And analyzing. This is a gift actually, for you're trying to understand what's happening. In my own life this last year, I discovered and accepted that me overanalyzing is often a control tactic and a procrastination effort. You mentioned procrastination via making "perfect" songs last week, and I can soooooo relate. I am a musician myself (not professionally), and your posting made me see some connections:
Specifically, sexual desires and expressions come out clearly in music. I repressed my sexual desires in middle school after some trauma. At the same time I began playing cornet, and I played constantly. Music was and is medicine to myself. I played throughout college on a music scholarship. Stopped playing once out of college, for....the desires and expression linked back to trauma.
But you know what? DMSI is waking me up inside! I don't usually sing much around guys--for again it's linked to trauma in my head. I sang a few times this week, and I felt pride in myself! I expected to sing a few seconds, then stifle it to not have painful feelings. My voice felt STRONG though, and I wanted to sing more, which I did. For this reason, this connection, I may play my cornet with the local Women's Club in the July 4th parade. I've done maybe 5 or 6 parades with them, but I didn't play last year. I just may this year :-). Expressing myself again feels good!
I share this since you may make some connections yourself. And also to encourage you. Thank you for your writing style, as I get it. It takes a lot of courage to be honest, you are very open here, so I enjoy your posts.
Thanks man, it's always much appreciated when you stop by to comment on my journal.
The whole over-analyzing and control. Yup, that's me as well. The thing about DMSI and "letting it work" though is it sometimes gets so twisted up in my head. I constantly told myself to get out of the way and let DMSI work, but I was actually just refusing to execute the script and slipped into a detached passive state. That's my biggest issue I guess, the lack of consistent execution of the script and follow through.
I've consciously decided today that I need to sit with whatever comes up and stop running. To heal I have to first become aware of what the problem really is instead of assuming I know what it is and glossing over long standing emotional damage. From there I have to focus on healing that core damage and learn how it manifests in my life and the coping mechanisms I've learned that no longer serve me.
One thing I've struggled with is I never had a particularly troubling childhood. Or I don't think. See my parents did the best they could raising me and I love them, but I have to accept that maybe there were some things that impacted me. It's hard talking about things like emotional neglect when it wasn't that severe and somewhere out there is a parent starving their kid and locking them in a closet. I guess due to my own nature I took a lot of things to heart. There wasn't a barrier like with some kids. All I know is my mom would have moments of absence, she was physically there but I felt like I didn't matter because there was no acknowledgement or response to what I said. I was also a middle child, so I tended to be overlooked the most. All this was repeated during my childhood, it got to a point where I was reluctant to speak, starting thinking what's the point nobody cares what I have to say, then eventually it probably just devolved into me feeling like I had no worth.
As an adult it's hard to come to terms with this stuff. In my rational adult brain it says my parents did their best, it wasn't that bad, you're blowing things out of proportion. Yet all my behavior up to this point is consistent with that feeling of being invisible, unwanted, not having any intrinsic worth. There's a real cognitive dissonance in me where I accept my parents love me on a more rational level, but I don't feel they actually do. And on top of that I feel really bad because I know they've done a lot for me and I feel guilt that I can't feel that love.
Like I said, the difficulty of coming to terms with this is compounded when I'm aware that this is minor compared to what other kids grow up with. Yet I can't deny the impact it's made on me. It feels like everything I've learned in my life has been through this filter of not being good enough. And I'm not trying to play a victim here, but honestly it feels like I have to relearn how to live life the right way.