(07-29-2018, 04:51 AM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ] (07-28-2018, 03:58 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm not even going to speculate on the inner workings of dmsi anymore. Too much analyzing, too much wanting to know and it's all based in fear and needing to be in control at all times. Well the sub is running pretty much 24/7 so I should just stop worrying about it and go about my life. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own thoughts and I can't stand it anymore. All the endless goddamn thinking, I'm convinced it's just a fear based response to DMSI so I won't allow that anymore. It doesn't ever go anywhere, it's just like a hamster on a wheel with this deceptive idea that I'm digging towards a solution when it's really just my mind spewing nonsense. It's like sleight of hand for my mind, distracting me with all this useless info so I don't keep moving forward.
I have decided to do something similar. Letting me go of conscious observation is needed.. Life isn't a laboratory where u have to keep watching everything
I think it's definitely a personality thing. Different personalities react in different ways as far as resistance goes.
Well, I guess that didn't last long lol. My minds just been racing lately and it's probably because I'm really challenging my identity lately and it's freaking me out.
Letting go of that mask I've created for myself that things are fine. Really being emotionally honest with myself. It's like seeing that strong emotional resonance with something and how it branches out into life. How I approach things, who I talk to, how my day goes. How for years I've been trying to correct it all at the surface level, doing it right, stop screwing up, fighting back the onslaught of negative thoughts. But I see now how before I even consciously think of doing something, I'm led by those subconscious feelings and emotions that have never been properly handled.
One belief echos really strongly in my head. I'm not good enough. But that's just words to describe a feeling I hold. The insidious nature of this is that it doesn't respond to outside evidence, I can't convince myself of it being false. But I've realized for me, I don't have to. I don't have to prove that it's wrong, I just have to decide to let it go and heal it by showing myself compassion and understanding.
I'm starting to think my main struggle with DMSI is not understanding the dynamic nature of my mind. Meaning trying to force it to behave in a certain way instead of letting it go about its business. I've always been a very highly active thinker, analyzing things, questioning, etc. It's only in the past few years that I assumed that's a bad thing because my mind isn't still or calm. And for all I know dmsi is kicking my mind into overdrive and I've been even more active, which I saw as a negative. The stress and anxiety I felt is probably due to trying to stop that thinking.
So I've been really thinking how I can get what I want out of life. To a certain degree it's caused some detachment with my current job which triggered fear because I was afraid I'd start slacking and get fired. So I'd focus on work more out of fear which caused even more internal tension as one part of me felt like getting away from it and another part being attached because of fear. Literally two sides in a tug of war match and it caused a lot of stress in my life because my mind won't commit to either one.
So mainly what I wanted to say in this post is that I'm just going to keep on with my ramblings. They might not have as much cohesion as I'd like at times, but I feel that my mind is piecing together the puzzle pieces. It's very chaotic and unorganized at times, but if I had a solid direction or answer for what I'm trying to overcome and achieve I imagine I would have gotten there a while ago. At this point it's just an ongoing problem I need to solve and it's ok if I hit the occasional roadblock.
You know if I had to rate my life from 1-10 on how stressful it is for me it would be a 9. And to me that's ridiculous. It shouldn't be that high. I'm not in poverty, I'm not in a hostile environment, I'm not fighting to survive. But it's felt like for my whole life I've just never had a moment to breathe. That's what I really want out of life, to get rid of this never ending anxiety.
I'm going to be experimenting with the masked version of DMSI instead of the hybrid. I've been trying to power through for a while now and I was worried dropping the hybrid was a resistance tactic, but I don't really know. I have to at least see what the difference is. Who knows maybe the masked would work better and the resistance is keeping me on the hybrid. All of this is still experimentation for me so I might as well exhaust every option before I form a conclusion.
Of course having said all that I fully recognize I put all that stress on myself. My ridiculous demands to be great at everything I do, my criticisms when I screw up or come up short, my need to come across as good enough in the eyes of others, etc. So much shit I put on myself, it's no wonder I'm not happy a lot of the time. I'm carrying a ridiculous amount on my shoulders that I don't need to. I just need to let it all go. But I think it's all just learned behavior for what keeps me "safe". But I need to move beyond that.
I've been thinking lately about core personality types. We've already seen the subconscious can be highly irrational. But I'm wondering if subconscious minds are all molded differently. Among those I see on this forum I see struggle most are INFP types. Dominant Fi, feeling is the realm of safety when making decisions. Trying to convince these types through rational or logical proof tends to prove useless. Whereas INTP deal in the realm of thinking and logic, that's their go to problem solving strategy. So when things aren't working their conscious and subconscious can work things out in a highly logical if this then that manner. Similar to a computer program.
I'm just throwing out ideas here. But I don't know. I know Shannon is hitting things from all angles lately. I'm just wondering if maybe we haven't reached a point yet where communication with more feeling oriented types is refined.
Man either I got hit with TID or switching over to masked is working way better for me. So something kind of snapped in me. I realized my attempts at getting dmsi to work by entering this sort of detached state was me actually freezing internally. Trying to shrink away as much as possible and let dmsi do something that made me worthwhile. I was driving home and I just felt like fuck this, I'm done hiding. I cause myself so much pain and misery by being so harsh to myself and beating myself up. And it's a horrible combo because if I do that when people treat me like shit I take it as confirmation. On top of that I go to great lengths to appear "good enough" to avoid criticisms to me because it would echo how I felt inside.
But really what this boils down to is just saying fuck it to the standards I've set myself/society has imposed upon me and just accept I'm good enough because I want it. To not walk around with this constant anxiety or shame of who I am, trying to hide it from everyone else. I think the tipping point for me was today at work I was having trouble solving a problem and I felt like shit. I felt like I was a fake, I wasn't good at my job, that people thought I was incompetent, etc. But I just have had enough of that soooo fucking much, I'm just done with it. I don't care anymore. People can think what they think. I'm here for one thing, to live my life to fullest and enjoy it. I won't get weighed down by all that bullshit of feeling like I need to be better or more competent.
Side note, after I felt all this I felt this energized state. And then my body had this super relaxed feeling. Like my muscles were relaxed, my breathing felt like I could breathe and it wasn't restricted. I didn't realize how much internal tension I was holding on a day to day basis. My posture immediately improved, it went from compressed to tall and relaxed. So much stress and anxiety from holding back and worrying about how I come across. I mean no wonder I haven't had any energy lately, I've been fighting myself 24/7.
Even just really minor stuff has been enlightening me. Like my music. I can see now just how badly I made myself feel because I didn't make good songs. Which is ridiculous because I haven't been at it that long and why the hell should I feel bad about something that takes time? So I make crap for a while, that doesn't mean I'm a horribly untalented loser who needs to hide away from everyone.
I'm just hoping this new found awareness continues to build and get stronger because it honestly feels like exactly what I've been searching for my entire life.
I have off today for the sub, but I've decided I'm switching to B next week. The training wheels are coming off. Something inside me says no more healing, you've done all you can in this department. The fact is dmsi states quite clearly what it does and I've been trying to use it in a way it's not intended for. If I want a full shotgun approach to healing I should probably use E2. But healing has always been for execution of dmsi and nothing more. The fact is that I'm using dmsi, I want the effects of it, and I need to stop holding off on executing and waiting until I feel "healed". On that note I've noticed that if you can change your attitude, response, and your attachment to your emotional issues healing is really just about disconnecting from those issues. I think I've been too wrapped up in healing being this thing where you face your inner demons, cry, rage, whatever. And yes it's 100% my subconscious using healing as a fall back to not execute, that's why I'm moving to B.
It's that fear of "wait what if I missed something?" Then back to healing, which isn't actually healing anything. In my life I've had very obsessive tendencies stemming from fear. No doubt that same obsession leaked into dmsi A and I found myself going back to "check" far too often. And yes realization of it theoretically could allow me to bypass these tendencies and get the benefits of healing, but I know better by now that I just need to cut out the option completely. It's the equivalent of leaving a donut out for my subconscious, better not to even put it there in the first place.
Immense gratitude right now for where I'm at in life. I wouldn't say I was privileged growing up, but I certainly didn't have it as rough as other people. I thought about how far I've come compared to where I was and for the longest time I felt like it was just dumb luck and that I didn't deserve it. But you know what? I've worked my ass off over the years working on internal stuff and growing. I may not have been out there doing stuff physically, but I've still worked hard. It's about time I saw a return on investment with that and I'm feeling it come full swing now. I took a different route than what most people do. It might have been longer to get here, but I'm attaining mastery over my own mind, the most important tool for determining your life. I had a lot of people in my life try to advise me on what I should do, but it all came from their limiting mindset and I'm glad I didn't listen. I knew there was a better, smarter, more powerful way. I've always been about efficiency, cutting through all the crap and finding the truth. Outward success will come in time, but for now I feel like I'm getting a handle on steering this ship.
I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to see you making this growth and progress, man. Congratulations!
(08-03-2018, 03:04 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to see you making this growth and progress, man. Congratulations!
Thanks Shannon! I probably should have switched to the B side of dmsi a while back, but that damn loophole for the h&c got me. I feel ready now though.
Interestingly enough I decided to go back to the hybrid version yesterday and now today during the day I'm noticing stronger sensations of urgency and pushing to execute. What's really interesting is that I didn't listen last night, so it's like I'm getting the effects of tonight's listening in advance.
Anyway I notice some feelings coming up like fear and doubt. But it's kind of like "nope we're just going right through these". I've spent a lot of time kind of being tied up with these similar feelings and in a battle to let it go but at the same time hold onto it. But now it's just all about pushing the limits, challenging the I can't do that mentality, going beyond what I previously thought possible.
I'm starting to think that the approaches we tend to hate the most are the ones that are best for us. When I first started DMSI I was convinced that a forced march approach wouldn't be good for me, but now I see it's exactly what I need. I need that push, that drive, that strong but not overwhelming pressure to keep moving forward. It keeps me from stagnating and staying in dysfunctional behavior for too long.
Just wanted to throw this out there. I've been juggling 3 tracks I'm working on now that I feel all have potential to be good and they are actually coming together for me. Slowly I keep chipping away at them. Funny how this whole mentality shift to pushing through vs healing has caused a cascading effect in other areas. Much like DMSI with the never ending healing loop, I'd constantly keep reading and watching more and more material on making music without actually going in there and doing the work. I kept waiting for that one moment when things clicked and I felt I knew enough. Same exact thing with DMSI, waiting until that non-existent day when everything would come together and I'd finally execute.
Also picked up the book Effortless Mastery to get in touch with just making music from the heart again. Without this pressure of it needing to be something other than pure self expression. The nature of this craft is I expose myself to a lot of music, even pop music I study. But it's very easy to get lost and lose your own way and start thinking you need to sound like everyone around you to be good enough. On one hand I want to do my own thing and not stick to formulas, on the other hand mentally masturbating about how intricate and complex I can make my music is just as bad as sticking to a formula. I'm seeing how fear manifests in playing styles, too many notes, not enough space, not enough breathing room. It's amazing how much fear can mess with every aspect of life on a subtle level. Life lessons you just don't get growing up.
Weird ass dream. I was in a room and suddenly people were saying the room was filling with water and we all needed to get breathing gear on. I was like, nah I'll just breathe underwater. So the water filled the room and I was breathing fine, which in hindsight probably should have triggered a lucid dream but really didn't. Anyway the next thing I know there's a big shark coming, great white savage looking thing. I've faced scary things in dreams before, but the level of detail on this thing was unreal. I was scared, but when the thing swam up to face me I screamed at it lol. I maintained this feeling of being stronger than it and having no fear. At first it didn't budge and reared back ready to attack, but it turned out to be a bluff then swam away. Now here's where it gets really weird. The shark transforms into this really bratty woman and I'm like good riddance get the hell out of here. And that was it. Super weird.
Remember what I said. HAVE FUN. The rest will come as a result. This is true in any creative endeavor. When you are having fun while expressing/indulging your creative side, you are doing what you are naturally gifted with. When it is fun, you simply flow, and get lost in the enjoyment of it. Then the whole of your true potential comes to bear naturally. So stop worrying about "good enough" and the like. Focus on ENJOYING what you do, and let the rest be taken care of by the process that results naturally from your bliss.
B side is doing it's thing. Nothing major to report yet, but I just feel like my subconscious has been forced to start executing. Right now it's either stop listening to dmsi, which I won't do, or start executing. That middle option, the one where I focus on healing is gone. So these past two days have been kind of turbulent as my subconscious has finally realized that there's only one direction we are going now. Every time I notice fear about moving forward I just push myself more consciously to keep going. This is very different than A where I'd pay too much attention to the fear and my subconscious would give in to it.
It is a lot more rough than A but the growing discomfort and fear just indicates I'm closer to executing. Now every time I feel panicky or hopeless I see it as moving closer to my goals. As ridiculous as those fears are, I've accepted for now that the only way I'll grow is by powering through them. Overall I've been unsuccessful in my attempts to persuade my subconscious that there's nothing to be afraid of. I tried, but it just wouldn't respond to that approach so now we're just bulldozing through it instead.