Not sure if I'm getting the effects of 3.2 already or placebo. But I've been finding myself really digging down into my own self worth and love for myself. It's funny because everything I've ever read about meditation or positive thinking is to observe negative thoughts and realize they aren't the "self". But they are the self, they come from somewhere, and they have a source. I'm realizing I've been disregarding that emotionally damaged part of myself and writing it off as negative thoughts or ego or whatever. I've built up this somewhat functional exterior that barely gets me through life, but there's another part of me that's deeply dysfunctional.
Which brings me to the subject of self worth and self love. How do you show love for yourself if you don't love yourself? It's like a paradox. I'm pretty much throwing out all the advice I've ever read over the years because about 90% of it is utter crap. One thing that landed me in trouble is constantly judging myself for having negative emotions. Not being positive enough, not being happy enough, not loving myself enough, etc. So in a addition to feeling like utter shit, I criticized myself heavily for it. Never giving myself a break for dealing with all this crap. I think that's what self love love is, the good and the bad. Unconditional love, knowing that even though you believe you're an unwanted person you give yourself that space to acknowledge that part of yourself that feels those things instead of judging it.
So far I've come to the conclusion that my fear of women has nothing to do with women. I put up a good facade, I can get by pretty well and build some attraction. But it all comes tumbling down once things get more real. In the end I can't accept any attraction from women if I don't even like myself to begin with. That's the fear and always has been. I know deep down I carry these feelings inside me and I avoid situations where it's possible for them to be exposed.
This level of lack of self worth. I just don't really have words to describe it. It's not like I can look back on an earlier memory and be like "oh yeah, that's when I felt good about myself". No, it's blank, I've never known what that is which is why it's so hard for me to feel it. Which is why vague platitudes like "love yourself" and "be more positive about yourself" are like a kick to the nuts. These problems go way deeper than simply bad habits of thinking negatively on the conscious level. I guess you could say I'm sick of people who think the solution to longstanding mental health issues lies in some overly simplistic pop psychology garbage.
Well just read from Shannon that potential users of dmsi 3.2 should take their 21 day break starting today. So I guess this journal was short lived lol. I don't know what I was thinking. Or maybe I was thinking dmsi 3.2 wouldn't be coming anytime soon.
I haven't ran B a long time, so I don't think I can judge my results. I will say this though. Healing is important. Personally I can't bully myself into executing the script of dmsi. No matter how much I willed it or fought against myself, in the end it's like 2 separate people inside my own head. Without the healing active things have gotten pretty bad for me. I've felt frozen with fear for about a week now. Just overall feels very paralyzing and I can't focus or relax.
So I guess I'll keep journaling here if I notice anything significant during the break.
Definitely feel better today. But yesterday was hectic at work. I'm pretty much going solo while my coworkers are in another state. But all I can say is that B was making it so I couldn't wind down so to speak. Like stress just kept piling and piling and there was no way to release it. I probably should have taken a break sooner. I'm dealing with a lot. Not only am I trying to tackle this whole women thing, but I'm trying to also deal with the fact that I still have massive anxiety issues in general. Most of which I was completely unaware of and now I'm learning to manage it better by being aware of it.
I remember when I was younger I always had this feeling of impending doom. I took it as the truth and that made me freak out more. But now I see it's just anxiety which is a product of my own mind, it doesn't mean anything.
The other thing I wanted to add. Fear sends me in a tailspin sometimes. Like yesterday shit hit the fan and I could not get my mind on track. It kept resorting to the worst possible scenarios happening. This of course caused me massive anxiety which completely drained me for the rest of the day. I even developed a bad migraine. People say to breathe, calm down, think rationally, etc. But in the midst of a panic attack it feels like all that goes out the window. My brain goes into serious fight or flight mode and suddenly the worst possible outcomes seem more true than what's actually the reality. I think I'd like to have my mind not respond with the worst possible scenarios as a knee jerk reaction. It seems to be a really bad habit I've developed. Relates to women too. I rarely ever approach women or talk to them because I think I'll just come across as an unwanted creep. I'm probably in more dire need of self esteem than I originally thought.
You will definitely appreciate the addition of ARA in 3.2, then.
(01-17-2018, 07:38 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You will definitely appreciate the addition of ARA in 3.2, then.
Looking forward to it. Anxiety is definitely one of the things I should have gotten in check a while back.
ARA = Anxiety Relief A___?
Cmon, you could have answered that yourself.
Just a quick thought from today. I've often felt like I was cheating or being inauthentic by running DMSI and becoming more charismatic, social, or likeable. Like I'm manipulating people to get what I want. Like having more women attracted to me is somehow dishonest. That the whole idea of an aura or this reality bending is inherently manipulative and wrong in some way. But then I thought about myself. The hard work I've been putting in with my inner state and how much I deserve this. I shouldn't punish myself for figuring out a better way to live. If people want to stay attached to negative beliefs or limit themselves that's fine, but I won't feel guilty anymore for getting what I want out of life.
I've had this mentality for a while. I remember the first time I bought AM way back and I felt putting statements into my head was somehow artificial, wrong, or inauthentic. I didn't think I could be anything more, so I never allowed myself to. I bargained. I told myself I was being unrealistic and I was who I was and I just needed to make minor improvements, not a complete overhaul of myself. This whole thing has me thinking about self esteem and how it's such an important addition to DMSI. If you never feel good enough about yourself, you'll never feel you deserve the changes you seek. My mind basically said "well I'm worthless anyway so maybe this is all I get out of life and I just need to accept that and stop trying so hard".
It's interesting that I thought for a while this was all fear, but it turns out there's some internal self hatred there mixed in with it. Yet another reason to be careful with how you approach the mind. Sometimes you think you have the solution, but you're blinded from the truth because you want it to be more simplistic than it actually is.
Man what an awful dream. This girl was attracted to me but I wasn't. Then she started getting pushy and annoying. So I told her to quit it. She didn't take it well. So she decided to put cyanide in my yogurt I was eating but that didn't work. So she pulled out a pistol and tried to shoot me. I promptly beat the crap out of her.
So what can I piece together from this dream? I'm afraid of attracting women for fear of attracting ones I'm not attracted to and somehow being put in harmful situations. Maybe not physical harm, but situations where they get angry or upset and somehow I turn into the bad guy for being "shallow".
That being said. Any tips for turning someone down? I don't like people feeling hurt, unfortunately I've had encounters in the past where a girl mistook my kindness for interest.
Feels like the closer we get to 3.2, the more I'm noticing stuff.
I've been feeling really good these past few days. Like I don't feel like I'm messing up in life or that I have to prove myself to anyone. It's so painfully obvious but basically I'm not treating myself like crap. Prior to this I knew I should be nicer to myself and stop putting so much pressure on myself to be a worthwhile person, but I could never actually follow through.
With that realization came the realization that reality is highly malleable. But I have to actually believe in the things I want and stop shooting them down. I have to open myself up to possibilities instead of living within this super narrow idea of what my life consists of or what it will consist of. The identity of this emotionally damaged struggling outcast needs to end and be replaced with something I want. I have to stop framing interpersonal relationships with disclaimers as if I give warnings as to why someone shouldn't get to know me. All these ways I push people away and try to preemptively face rejection by automatically presenting myself to people in the worst way possible. My whole life I've just picked every single flaw about myself and magnified it as a way to sort of deal with the potential pain of someone else rejecting me for it. But that's such a terrible way to live. Never embracing the positive, always hanging onto the negative because it's familiar and you can't be let down if you already know what feeling like a worthless person is.
It's a little terrifying to step outside of this. It's all I've really known and I notice my subconscious protests every time I go to change and makes me feel like it's "wrong". But I can feel myself embracing the possibility of a life that's a complete 180 from how I'm living now. That alone is a huge improvement because a few years ago I thought I was doomed to forever be this broken and emotionally volatile individual who struggles through life.
Can't wait to feel the full effects of 3.2. Not sure if this is TID or if this is the bloom from dmsi A. Either way things seem to be turning around for me. And not in a wishful way, but more like I see how much things are improving and the direct control over my own decisions in life.
More stuff that has come up. I'm kind of tired of waiting until I'm good enough to allow other people to know me. I've had a history of anxiety and depression and I still hold great shame over these things. I'm not 100 percent past them yet, I'm getting close though. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of breaking free into a whole new life vs being tied to my old self.
With all this talk about multiple realities, I'd have to assume that one has to embody the identity of an individual without these emotional issues to move on from them. For me that's a bit of a challenge. It's pretty much all I've ever known and I constantly feel like I never truly break free from it and I just get sucked back in. But that's yet another reality I've faced, the one where I think I'm making great progress and then fall back, then start to wonder if change is really possible. That's my biggest issue, when I have tried in the past and got nowhere. It's still filed away in my head and everything tends to be put through the filter of "this will never work". If strong belief is necessary to change one's life and there exists a strong belief that it won't work, is there an override for that?
It's almost like a negative feedback loop. In order to get what I want I have to believe, but I don't believe in it so I don't get it which further strengthens the current reality of not having it. Quite frustrating.
Taking a look at my life I've started to realize I've been depressed for a while now and I've been covering it up and waiting for it to go away. But I've realized it won't go away. It's also not a problem that needs to be fixed. I'm depressed because I constantly do what I've been told to do in life. And I do this because so much goddamn fear was instilled in me as a kid. I recently talked to my mom and she said I'd come home incredibly distraught by school. Then she told me that the bad feeling I was feeling is how I would feel if I got a bad job or something. I realize now that in childhood my parents, though well meaning, only ever filled my head with "don't do this, or don't do that". There was always a tense air in my childhood, as if my parents were just scraping by and keeping it hidden from me. That also didn't help my anxiety
Overall I just see that I'm miserable in my job and living this way is stupid. Why spend hours of my life miserable? Just because I'm too afraid of what will happen if I leave or if I abandon this career field altogether I'll end up homeless and in poverty? All anyone's advice ever boils down to is security and I'm sick of it. Get a good job, save for retirement, get health insurance, blah blah blah. Well I did that and am doing it and frankly it makes me want to give up on living completely because this isn't living in the slightest. The worst is when people want to lecture you about the "real world". No fuck off, that's just your narrow perception of the world, stop cramming your crappy beliefs down my throat.
People are ruled by fear and some of them won't even admit it. They'd rather stay within their narrow view and lecture everyone else on how naiive or unrealistic they are being. I'm sick of it.
(01-27-2018, 07:20 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Well I did that and am doing it and frankly it makes me want to give up on living completely because this isn't living in the slightest.
Same reason I became an entrepreneur. I hated "my life" the way it was "supposed to be". Didn't satisfy me. Everyone else telling me what I wanted to do "couldn't be done", or was "unrealistic" and I had to conform to their model of the world. Yeah, screw that, just because you don't want it, or CAN'T DO IT, doesn't mean that's true for me.
Bang on, matt. Great realisation, that made me so happy to read
.
Also, these same people don't know the difference between...living...and SURVIVING. They're surviving...not living.
Massive difference.