03-06-2017, 08:18 PM
Day 5.
Dreams that seem odd with women, or some that have nothing to do with women, which is strange given the program.
Thinking of women I know or have known, thinking I don't have a chance with them, feels impossible to get them, as they don't seem interested despite all the subs I've ran. Which makes me feel bad. Getting ignored or not taken seriously still, which irritates me as I don't know what it's going to take to make them pay attention and make them take me seriously. Being typically considered the "great guy (friend)" and/or "(boring) nice guy" that makes me angry as I take them as big insults, which they are. Starting to believe even more that some guys are attractive somehow, most simply aren't somehow and are picked over regardless of what they bring to the table. That is, until the girl's SMV crashes through the basement, either through age, weight, or having some bad boy's kids then being a single mother and needing financial help for the kids, then you're "good enough". I'm welcome to the idea of the program proving all that wrong, even though I've watched it play out in reality over and over.
The very familiar feeling of futility abound still. Women my age either have kids which I don't want to be involved with, or are no longer attractive (which wouldn't be fair to me as I've spent a lot of time improving my physique so I'd expect at least the same effort in return), and I haven't had any success with even younger women who I am actually attracted to and feel they aren't attracted to me either, so I'm not sure what to do anymore. A feeling still of "it's just too late in life now for me to get success with this even if it does end up somehow working someday" due to this is around. Young women have a huge age gap with me, don't want me, have massive options and chase bad boys anyway, and women my age are not attractive or have kids and are looking for a stable daddy to raise somebody else's kids as a wallet, so there's a feeling of "what's the point if I can't attract young women?" Depression about the situation and the realisation that this program doesn't seem to be working for me, that it's a rigged system unless I can figure out how to be a "bad boy" that they magically swoon for, for some reason. Which I doubt I can pull off as I don't even understand how that works.
Knowing that I've made zero progress since coming here years ago, and am now a 35 year old guy who has never had a girlfriend, or had sex, or a date or even a kiss. Getting fed up with endless "clearing/healing" copouts and no real results in reality. Thinking that they can't possibly be worth any of this, and am wondering why I'm fighting so hard for something I've never had, that treats me like shit, never gives me a chance, devalues me, ignores and invalidates me at every turn, feels impossible to get, and am still having a ton of anger and resentment of their massive power over me through my libido. It feels like a sick game of them attracting me, just to rebuff and ignore and invalidate me. Develops anger and resentment over time, that's for sure, and makes it feel impossible for me to get them and makes me wonder why they do this, or how I can sever my interest in them somehow to rid myself of the constant feeling of not being good enough no matter what I've done in my life which is WAY WAY beyond maintaining a low body fat and knowing how to wear a push up bra and yoga pants...it's outrageous I'm the one in the much lower position, feeling THEY are impossible to get. It's infuriating how backwards it all is. It's rigged, and I'm tired of it and wish there was a way to rid myself of this fruitless, painful, rigged pursuit that I'm not even sure I want anymore, once and for all. I thought this program was it, but I haven't seen any forward momentum to encourage me since starting V2.2, so I still obviously have serious doubts about it. I have to be honest, I don't see how this thing can somehow transform us into the hot guys women lust for, we still are us at the end of the day, largely guys who have been underwhelming for women which is why they're using this to begin with, so I have never really understood how it's supposed to work in reality.
And still not being convinced this is actually doing anything real at all for me or will. I await some true, REAL signal in real life from a REAL girl that it can do something for me. That can help me see finally that it's legit. I'm still not a believer in it, I guess, due to not seeing it do anything for me, in reality. I sometimes wonder if I'm listening to the same program as others, with some of the things I read both from a "good" sense and a "huh?!" sense... I have found myself in the past comparing to good reports and feeling bad about myself, so I try not to read other's journals now but that gets difficult to resist at times.
However, my energy has returned, no more massive exhaustion. I told Shannon that as long as he gave me back my energy so I can perform my business duties again with vigor, that I would consider that as something I'd be happy with from this program at this point. That's forgetting about all the women/sex theorised benefits, which seem a lifetime away and I seem to really have largely checked out of ever seeing that, probably due to the feeling of zero forward momentum or seeing anything encouraging me in reality. But, I'm a man of my word, so here are those words about the exhaustion. Thank you deeply for fixing that, so I get my energy back for this version, at least. I feel more myself due to the energy returning, I'm grateful for that.
Dreams that seem odd with women, or some that have nothing to do with women, which is strange given the program.
Thinking of women I know or have known, thinking I don't have a chance with them, feels impossible to get them, as they don't seem interested despite all the subs I've ran. Which makes me feel bad. Getting ignored or not taken seriously still, which irritates me as I don't know what it's going to take to make them pay attention and make them take me seriously. Being typically considered the "great guy (friend)" and/or "(boring) nice guy" that makes me angry as I take them as big insults, which they are. Starting to believe even more that some guys are attractive somehow, most simply aren't somehow and are picked over regardless of what they bring to the table. That is, until the girl's SMV crashes through the basement, either through age, weight, or having some bad boy's kids then being a single mother and needing financial help for the kids, then you're "good enough". I'm welcome to the idea of the program proving all that wrong, even though I've watched it play out in reality over and over.
The very familiar feeling of futility abound still. Women my age either have kids which I don't want to be involved with, or are no longer attractive (which wouldn't be fair to me as I've spent a lot of time improving my physique so I'd expect at least the same effort in return), and I haven't had any success with even younger women who I am actually attracted to and feel they aren't attracted to me either, so I'm not sure what to do anymore. A feeling still of "it's just too late in life now for me to get success with this even if it does end up somehow working someday" due to this is around. Young women have a huge age gap with me, don't want me, have massive options and chase bad boys anyway, and women my age are not attractive or have kids and are looking for a stable daddy to raise somebody else's kids as a wallet, so there's a feeling of "what's the point if I can't attract young women?" Depression about the situation and the realisation that this program doesn't seem to be working for me, that it's a rigged system unless I can figure out how to be a "bad boy" that they magically swoon for, for some reason. Which I doubt I can pull off as I don't even understand how that works.
Knowing that I've made zero progress since coming here years ago, and am now a 35 year old guy who has never had a girlfriend, or had sex, or a date or even a kiss. Getting fed up with endless "clearing/healing" copouts and no real results in reality. Thinking that they can't possibly be worth any of this, and am wondering why I'm fighting so hard for something I've never had, that treats me like shit, never gives me a chance, devalues me, ignores and invalidates me at every turn, feels impossible to get, and am still having a ton of anger and resentment of their massive power over me through my libido. It feels like a sick game of them attracting me, just to rebuff and ignore and invalidate me. Develops anger and resentment over time, that's for sure, and makes it feel impossible for me to get them and makes me wonder why they do this, or how I can sever my interest in them somehow to rid myself of the constant feeling of not being good enough no matter what I've done in my life which is WAY WAY beyond maintaining a low body fat and knowing how to wear a push up bra and yoga pants...it's outrageous I'm the one in the much lower position, feeling THEY are impossible to get. It's infuriating how backwards it all is. It's rigged, and I'm tired of it and wish there was a way to rid myself of this fruitless, painful, rigged pursuit that I'm not even sure I want anymore, once and for all. I thought this program was it, but I haven't seen any forward momentum to encourage me since starting V2.2, so I still obviously have serious doubts about it. I have to be honest, I don't see how this thing can somehow transform us into the hot guys women lust for, we still are us at the end of the day, largely guys who have been underwhelming for women which is why they're using this to begin with, so I have never really understood how it's supposed to work in reality.
And still not being convinced this is actually doing anything real at all for me or will. I await some true, REAL signal in real life from a REAL girl that it can do something for me. That can help me see finally that it's legit. I'm still not a believer in it, I guess, due to not seeing it do anything for me, in reality. I sometimes wonder if I'm listening to the same program as others, with some of the things I read both from a "good" sense and a "huh?!" sense... I have found myself in the past comparing to good reports and feeling bad about myself, so I try not to read other's journals now but that gets difficult to resist at times.
However, my energy has returned, no more massive exhaustion. I told Shannon that as long as he gave me back my energy so I can perform my business duties again with vigor, that I would consider that as something I'd be happy with from this program at this point. That's forgetting about all the women/sex theorised benefits, which seem a lifetime away and I seem to really have largely checked out of ever seeing that, probably due to the feeling of zero forward momentum or seeing anything encouraging me in reality. But, I'm a man of my word, so here are those words about the exhaustion. Thank you deeply for fixing that, so I get my energy back for this version, at least. I feel more myself due to the energy returning, I'm grateful for that.
