DMSI: 3.1-A, Day 36
Well overdue update.
I'll start from the 23rd, which was my last update, and go until today. That will get you all caught up with me.
Some internal things have occurred that may be worth posting about. Nothing real external yet, sadly. I have been very sick for awhile, this weekend I should be able to go out at last. That's one of the reasons I haven't posted for awhile, nothing to post about which would be of interest to most people. So, Saturday if I go, will be a good chance for seeing progress externally to match any of this internal stuff.
Here we go:
-Seem to be more positive and not so focused on this sub's goals. I'll explain why it doesn't seem to matter as much anymore throughout this post in more detail. I recognise the irony in running a program like this, and communicating about a lack of "NEED" for the end goal. I assume this is a part of the process of actually achieving that goal, not "NEEDING" it. It being "normal", so this contradiction if you will, may have to occur. It's tough to describe due to it being a foreign feeling to me, whether it's that sense of futility, or being non-needy now. Again I've tried to explain a bit more deeper in the post.
-Productivity has kicked up a lot. Procrastination has reduced a lot.
-Junk food and pop taste noticeably different now. Not as good, STILL okay and all...just not as great anymore. Drinking more water, which I never did for a long time, admittedly.
-Annoyingly, on all previous versions of DMSI, I would get random horny fits I called them. And since I had no women around to have sex with, I'd always get those old yearns for porn and masturbation. VERY hard to resist in those circumstances. VERY, as the old urges got supercharged by DMSI and massive horniness. It was awful to go through all of those times, hated it. Finally, thankfully, I can say that somehow, V3.1-A has eradicated any remaining interest in porn. Also, it's eradicated any horny fits. So, I'm not sure what was being triggered to cause that, they seem to be connected then since they're both gone at once now.
-On a similar front, something weird happened. I willingly ended the nofap. I decided I am far past the addiction, and need to now acclimate myself to my penis again and get an idea of size, and condom needs etc. because as of now and due to the nofap I have no idea of my requirements. So I've been "boning up" (lol
...thank you...) on sizes and brands etc. Funny...I kinda "forced" it. I didn't feel the nofap served me anymore, I only started it because the porn-fueled horniness was causing me to do it way more than normal and it started affecting my life. Removing the horny fits and urges for porn seems to have allowed things to go back to a far more natural state. All of this happening at once means they have been clearly connected in my mind, and V3.1-A has done something to all of it.
-Also since ending nofap...the latent horniness which was bothering me and causing issues with maintaining nofap, edging, and looking at pictures of women like actresses and models etc. online a lot which was another annoying habit DIED. All of it. So, for me, it seems all of these things are (were?) connected. I have no "need" for any of it. And the "need" for women plummeted too. I feel at peace now about it all, there isn't that underlying tension and strife, or "trying to hold the beast down" so to speak, like an addict trying to maintain being "clean". Very notable.
-Way back in the day, when I was like 19, I knew a Playboy bunny in my city. At that point, in her prime, EASILY one of the hottest girls I've ever seen. She was a waitress at a place friends and I went to. I was SUPER scared of her, very nervous, I was in much worse shape than I am now, even a few years ago with girls. I recently thought of her, and looked her up on FB, obviously, she's well past her prime now. But still, I wrote her a nice message and added her to FB. She wrote me back, and accepted. I have no intention of having sex with her now or whatever, don't get me wrong. But, maybe something got handled, just by doing that. I thought it was worth mentioning.
-Another girl who is right up there as one of the hottest girls I've ever seen if not THE, and STILL is, contacted me the other night without prodding. She is coming back to town and wants to meet up. I like her, and am attracted obviously, but she stupidly recently had a kid a year ago with an idiot she doesn't speak to now. So..that's quite a bit to take on to be honest and not my scene. Still though, we have a good vibe together, haven't seen her in person for a long time as she's lived in another city for a long time now. We've talked rarely once in awhile through FB or Skype video chat since, her coming back to town soon is notable, but I don't want an instant family, period. I'll update on that over time, regardless as there could be some relevance for DMSI development. I don't have "need" for her or any of it anyway now.
-Daydreams don't count to me...but I've had a few of having sex with girls I know. T, probably my most ideal DMSI target, due to her weekly proximity to me so DMSI can have good time to work on her, and her attractiveness to me, and another girl I know that I find attractive sexually/physically but isn't mentally/emotionally there so I don't think I want any of that fallout and drama with her. Still daydreams anyway, but maybe some a part of me is wanting it and thinking it's possible. So, maybe there's some worth in it. Regardless, the "need" isn't there anymore, so all of this is like on the periphery. It's tough to describe. It's like "it'd be nice...maybe...but it isn't my number one obsession in life anymore" I think might make sense to describe it. I literally haven't felt that sensation before, so it's tough for me to know if it's non-neediness, or that sense of futility I've written about. It's such a foreign feeling to me, it's tough to measure it or gauge it or describe, I think. I know I've often come across as "overinterested" in the past many times, so maybe this is "normal" mode where I'm at now.
-Before I got massively sick, I was out and spent some time with my group. Two girls there haven't seen me for a few weeks, they were all over me very excited and happy and told me they missed me. That could be genuine and not DMSI-fueled, I was gone for two weeks from their sight. T was there, she's the one I'm the most attracted to, the others are hot, but she edges them out. She seems to be continuing this somewhat distant aloof thing. It's tough to talk to her and engage her, she doesn't seem to communicate properly, like small numbers of words as responses. So the conversation feels like a struggle, like I'm trying to KEEP it going. So after a few attempts to engage her, I don't bother, as I don't have the "NEED" to keep trying over and over and getting granules in return, she's being strange. She talks to others, even asks where I've been at times, like when I was gone for two weeks, but didn't come and tell me I heard that from my friend and she didn't come tell me she missed me like the others when she must have to mention me and wonder where I've been. So, it's weird she is so distant (awkward?) when I'm there. She could be perceived as jealous that I talk to other girls too, that has appeared to have happened often. Which is strange for such a hot girl, and I'd talk to her, if she engaged like they do, lol. I told her I wouldn't bite, lmao. Despite giving me little to nothing to work with verbally, she stands and gives me "butt presentations" (beautiful body "but" (lol ;p) her butt is probably her best feature and she knows it) for minutes at a time super close range, within a foot or two when I'm sitting and she's standing. I'm not sure I'm on board with the "butt presentation" thing, as to me, she could be just standing talking to others, as she was. And, given how little she communicates with me, with tiny responses and it feeling a bit forced often, it's tough for me to come out of it with "she must be attracted". The truth is, I'm not sure what the deal is with her, she seems to be a contradiction, with the jealousy and asking where I've been and butt presentations on one hand if you believe in those, and the little to no conversation on the other. I'll probably be seeing her Saturday, it'll have been another two weeks since I've seen her. Lots of snowflakes have dropped into my mind since then, lol. I'll update again on T after.
-Dream of T and I. Her and I talking about our issues communicating and how to get her to open up to me and what she wants and how she feels about me before subs and now and all of the differences. I wish I remembered that one, would've been amazing, lmao.
-Also, I don't reach out to women anymore on this version. I used to send messages etc. about things, follow up and ask how things are going or callbacks to previous convos etc. Now, I don't seem to bother. But, it isn't a "why bother" negative thing, I just don't have the "NEED" to do it, and I'm preoccupied with what I'm doing. I don't reach out and do all of that anymore, no interest and I keep to myself a lot. I answer like when that girl I mentioned above messaged me before she went to bed out of nowhere. But no longer am I hitting them up out of nowhere. I don't even think to do it now.
-Had a dream of T and I in the gym. A guy we know joking with her about being difficult and if she continues doing that she won't get a man. And she said, "You're silly! I'm marrying Andy (name made up by my mind, not a real person) soon, remember?!" And I was shocked, lol. I actually woke up and was still surprised by that, thinking it was real. After several seconds, I realised it was a dream, haha. Weird how she's popping up in dreams so much lately to be honest. I find that happens though on DMSIs. I get these like "phases" where a girl I know really dominates my thoughts for awhile, then things die down and another girl takes her place. I assume clearing and healing is doing this.
-Dream of me picking my cat's hair out of my nose, and it turned into this HUGE hair connected to all this plastic tubing. It was like 10 feet long at the end, LOL. I couldn't believe it, I keep saying "how the HELL was this inside my nose?!!". I guess this is to symbolise clearing/healing, "removing" things etc.
-Other dreams of girls I know. Us hanging out, or one of me palming one of their lovely asses and smacking it and them liking it. I assume clearing, healing and SATT here.
-Dream of being in a mall. I was walking around, and noticed I was the only guy there. And almost all the other people in the mall were my type of female. A bunch working at a juice kiosk in the middle of the walkway we're checking me out and whispering to each other. Felt very unusual, like the guy "wanted" by women, weird feeling. Felt good, but also a bit awkward with all the eyes on me, I guess that proves I'm definitely not used to that phenomenon. So, probably more clearing and healing here and SATT.
-Once again a dream around T amazingly, no idea why she's spamming lol...and another girl I know. We were out at a mall, and they were playing around taking pics for IG I guess. Then we sat down with the other girl's parents and they told us real talk stuff about dating and relationships and men and women. It was solid stuff. Probably more clearing/healing, and SATT.
Okay so, that's about it, lol. There's signs of maybe some internal stuff going on, but to me, the jury still seems to be out for external stuff with girls around me. Maybe more clearing and healing and SATT is needed before that can happen. Or I'm misreading something I don't know. I suppose if that is the case, if DMSI becomes more and more powerful, hopefully it will get to the point it will work on me beyond doubt and will be clear as day.
That's it for now.
