Subliminal Talk

Day 55 cont.

I'm still fine.

Please keep that kind of stuff to the dedicated astrology thread in the chatterbox as it's along the same lines with rule 4. Or I guess if needed just create 'The Tarot thread' instead of having it on the main forum.

(06-16-2019, 03:52 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Please keep that kind of stuff to the dedicated astrology thread in the chatterbox as it's along the same lines with rule 4. Or I guess if needed just create 'The Tarot thread' instead of having it on the main forum.

Duly noted. I see you haven't removed the post, so I decided to edit it to nothing. Like I wrote there, it was just for fun, so there is not much lost and its better safe than sorry.

Thanks, yeah I just thought i'd mention it in case you wanted to move it there.

(06-17-2019, 12:11 AM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks, yeah I just thought i'd mention it in case you wanted to move it there.

No worries, thanks for reminder about the rules if anything else. I feel like recently I'm treading a fine line on the Rule 4.

Day 56 (2)

I feel sick. I'm not sure what's up, but my ear started to hurt really bad again tonight, I stomach doesn't feel so good and I feel fatigued in general. I mixed my ear problem with new drops and I'm gonna visit doctor on Wednesday. So far hurt is gone and simply replaced with discomfort but I'm afraid the infection might get deeper into inner ear and that would be harder to treat and would hurt like a b**ch. Stomach is probably due to poor dinner I had and fatigue due to poor sleep tonight and hot as hell weather.

This is serious problem as low energy means low motivation, it's hard for me to make myself do anything and I don't know what to do with myself. For the first time in a looooong time I felt boredom! I mean sure, I should have some rest, especially not to strain my ear, but what to do while resting? I'm not used to sitting idly any longer.

That ear story is interesting. It started to hurt day before the conference. I found out 1 or 2 pills of aspirin helps out with the pain as it eases the swelling in the ear. However, as soon as I came back, it hurts again and aspirin won't cut it any longer. It almost looks like my body negotiated that week off but now I have to go through the sickness anyways. I wouldn't be the first time I experience something like this, the feeling of "I cannot afford being sick right now" and not being sick just to get sick at the first opportunity I actually can is something I think I know since childhood.

Day 59 (0)

I'm at a low point to be sure. Lots to talk and digest so let's get to it.

First of all - health. I went to the doctor and I got some antibiotics. I hate taking those but since it's more than just a flu I oblige. And I must admit, today when I woke up my ear wasn't hurting even though I was painkiller-free for 10 long hours of sleep. I still felt some swelling and I want to go through the treatment anyway, so I guess I'll be taking the medications for the next 5 days or so. At any rate, these are good news. From the bad news I have very low energy right now. Maybe it's just self-fulfilling prophesy of "I'm sick" so I do feel sick or maybe it's the medication. At any rate I don't feel all too well and I find it harder to concentrate than before. I do hope it will pass soon.

The reason for that is because I WANT to self-improve and I feel like a can do little in this state. I don't exercise, my weight stays at the same level since I came back home, I don't do much work or reading, in general I feel useless. I hate wasting time but at the end of the day I find I was doing only useless things because I had little strength to do otherwise. And I want this this stop. I want to be useful again, I want to improve myself, day after day, little by little. And the worst thing is I'm not sure if I'm really tired or I'm just using my ear infection as an excuse.

I tried to meditate on this. I remember some kind of arcane exercise I was doing way back when to aid healing. It's simple, pretty much all you do is calm dawn into theta brain waves or whatever and repeat phrase you want to project onto the physical world. In this case the phrase is "I will be healthy" or "I am healthy" (I was using the former). And it kind of works, I was able to say it will conviction. However, when I was saying "I want to be healthy" there was a resistance. Like there is part of me which wants to be sick. For what end, I don't know. But again my best guess is having excuses not to do things.

I visited my mom yesterday. It was her birthday so I took her for a dinner (nothing fancy though) and we went to the graveyard to my dad's grave. Lots could be said about the situation here, most of it probably too personal to share. Three things of note though. First one is that my mom doesn't cope well with this entire situation. She misses my dad and even after all this time she finds it difficult to adapt. Thankfully she's tough as rock and so when she HAS TO do something, she does it no problem. It's only when there is peace and quiet around her when things go sour. Second thing is I don't think I fully accepted what happened yet. I mean I know my dad is dead, but since I live in different city and my life goes on as it went before it, nothing major really changed. It's only when I go visit my mom when I have to face the truth and it's... uncomfortable I guess. It's not shocking or unpleasant. It's just strange, unsettling. The last thing is my mom talks a lot about various little things that happen to her and are dad-related. She says she fells or smells him sometimes (mostly in dreams) or he gives her advice or warns her when she asks him for it (kind of prayer I guess). What I find unsettling is how coherent her relations are with what I was reading recently. I have no heart to talk with her about it and as a catholic she has her own believes. I don't think anything I might say would bring her any closure. At any rate I never felt my dad in this way and in this framework it's explainable. Keep in mind though that one of her favorite movies is "Ghost" with Patrick Swayze...

The last thing but possibly most important. When I was with my mom we started talking about being adult and taking responsibility. I'm unendingly grateful and happy that my mother sees me as adult and that she's proud of me, of who I grow up to be. When I said she raised me well she laughed and said I raised myself and even if she tried I would be too stubborn to do what I'm told. At any rate many topics were touched but the most important one was my ex. Long story short she was a great, shy girl. My mother said she was a good girl. I replied "She WOULD be a good girl if she WAS". The meaning is she was never there for me and for good reason - her grandma was sick, her parent too although less so, as so she spend a lot of time around them. That would be fine if not for the fact that her parents made a slave out of her - she had no friends, no boyfriends before me (at the age of 23) while being really nice and pretty and she was physically unable to make decision for herself. The crux of the matter is that when I was arguing with her about this her response was "You don't know how it fells". I know how it feels, my bedridden grandpa was sick for a long time and I say him wither day by day when I was 10. But that's beside the point.

The point is here I am now, with my father gone, him dying with me holding his hand as it was going cold after over a month of come. Here I am, with my widower mother telling me how proud she is of me and how, even if I wanted to help her in any substantial way, she wouldn't let me. "You've got your own life. You have work and friends, you live in a city. Don't worry about your old mother, I will manage."

I know how it is. And I'm glad I let my ex go. I tried to help her, show her she can be her own self. But she wouldn't, instead following parents which are so much less understanding than mine. I want to care for those I love and I do, but I will never, ever use anyone else as a shield to my messiah out of myself and forsake what I want and what I long for. It's lazy, it's disingenuous and most importantly, my mother who loves me more than anybody else, wouldn't want me to do that. This makes me wanna cry, but I had to write this because it's true.

Day 60 (0)

I still feel like after being hit by a track, torn between doing something with myself and resting to get my health in order. However, not to be a downer, I want to share with you some of my musings about Will I was having for the past days or weeks. If you read this journal you are probably aware that the concept of Will is quite an important one for me nowadays and I use it to help me understand myself and what I truly want. Don't take those as facts or even my opinions, rather as thinking aloud on a topic. And even given I'm probably wrong, if topic is interesting such a read is still worth it I think.

I love history and learning more about various epochs and events. My view of it might be skewed by the fact that history is focused on the "great people" and not your average Joe, but I cannot help but notice something. It's not often but there are people who managed to do incredible things, seemingly using little more than their sheer will. Alexander the Great would be possibly the best example. Nobody had balls to tell him he cannot conquer Persia so that's exactly what he did. And you can count more, in every field of human activity and every continent. I wonder what drove these people, what made them conquer the world or become crazy rich while I have problem getting up in the morning?

While I study my Will to find out what I truly want under the hood I often mind difficulty to do so. At the first glance there seems to be layers upon layers of stuff I have to dig through, useless believes and unfulfilled expectations I don't need anymore. But rarely do I consider temporal effect on Will. Maybe I find it all difficult because Will is a constant state of flux, after all we change physically all the time, why not mentally as well? And I'm not talking about changes in conditions, like "I haven't eaten in a long time so I WANT to eat". I'm talking about something constant, like "I WANT to live and my body need nourishment, so when I feel hunger I eat". Hope it makes sense. At any rate, is my Will constant or is it changing all the time with only basic wants and fears staying the same? Or is my judgement clouded by the conditions around me, letting me see only a snapshot of my Will at a time?

The most interesting thing I found out is that Will seems to me to be a cause, not a effect. My hunger example is one thing, but let me give you another. If you truly want to travel the world you have to interact with a lot of people. And so extroverts have easier time fulfilling that particular want. But I'd argue they are extroverted because their Will pushes them to be extroverted - the HAVE TO be so in order to fulfill their Will. Someone like me, an introverted individual, might want to travel the world, but I lack the Will to do so in any significant capacity. If I wanted it stronger I would have to become more extroverted. I wonder if I can used reasoning like that to consciously change my habits or character? I think I've done something to this end with weight loss - I started exercising because I WANTED to lose weight, not because I wanted to exercise. The pleasure and pride I feel after particularly good training has to do with weight loss more that with anything directly related to exercise (like pride of beating my old record).

Quote:I'd argue they are extroverted because their Will pushes them to be extroverted - the HAVE TO be so in order to fulfill their Will. Someone like me, an introverted individual, might want to travel the world, but I lack the Will to do so in any significant capacity. If I wanted it stronger I would have to become more extroverted.

I'd argue that extroversion is not the result of will, but of personality; and that if the will contradicts the personality, then there is conflict.  That results in discomfort, and fear is often the result.  

If an introverted individual wants to travel the world, they have to overcome the fear they feel in order to do so.  Barring that, their will cannot overcome their fear and the reaction to it, which means their will to travel succumbs to their will to stay safe from whatever they fear.  

Will does not exist as a constant; it is a variable because each and every level, layer and part of your awareness has its own will.  It is the question of, which of these parts has the dominant will?

If you are introverted and you want to travel the world, you must either cause your will to do so to override your will to stay safe from whatever you fear in doing so, or you must override your fear in doing so and thus cause that part of you to stop interrupting your will to travel.

(06-21-2019, 11:03 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

Quote:I'd argue they are extroverted because their Will pushes them to be extroverted - the HAVE TO be so in order to fulfill their Will. Someone like me, an introverted individual, might want to travel the world, but I lack the Will to do so in any significant capacity. If I wanted it stronger I would have to become more extroverted.

I'd argue that extroversion is not the result of will, but of personality; and that if the will contradicts the personality, then there is conflict.  That results in discomfort, and fear is often the result.  

If an introverted individual wants to travel the world, they have to overcome the fear they feel in order to do so.  Barring that, their will cannot overcome their fear and the reaction to it, which means their will to travel succumbs to their will to stay safe from whatever they fear.  

Will does not exist as a constant; it is a variable because each and every level, layer and part of your awareness has its own will.  It is the question of, which of these parts has the dominant will?

If you are introverted and you want to travel the world, you must either cause your will to do so to override your will to stay safe from whatever you fear in doing so, or you must override your fear in doing so and thus cause that part of you to stop interrupting your will to travel.

Well said Shannon. Interesting stuff, especially the "each and every level, layer and part of your awareness has its own will" part. I tend to consider myself as a whole with ego, id, subconscious etc. as different faces of one "I" with, ultimately, one will. Maybe I should reconsider this approach. Tip of the iceberg indeed. Also the "conflict between will and personality" thing reminded me of someone, if my considerations will be worth something I'll post them.

Day 63 (0)

I didn't post in some time and there is good reason for that - shame. You see, I remember good old days a month or so when I was happy and proud of myself and every single thing was going my way. Now... I feel like a loser. And I feel ashamed of posting diary of a loser.

I'm too harsh on myself, I know. I haven't touched alcohol since I came back from the conference week and a half ago. I did 73km of walking in the last 3 days which is A LOT (about 13 hours I'd estimate). I managed to get my smoking habit back in control. I eat less but healthy. A lot of progress I've developed during my current LTU run is still there.

At the same time though I stopped exercising, I'm barely productive at work and at home, my social skill fell into oblivion and I don't even wanna mention NoFap - probably my biggest personal failure. All of these can be reasoned though. Exercising - you're sick and your muscles ache, but they don't during the hiking. Productivity - it's summer and you should have holidays, stop being so stupidly ambitious. Social interactions - you've just spend week being around others 24h/day, you deserve rest. NoFap - you've been rejected and that's your coping mechanism.

Each an excuse, each allows me to keep status quo ante conference.

And the worst thing, THE WORST, is that my weight loss attempts don't give much result anymore. Before it was so effortless. Now I seem to be unable to lose a gram if my life depended on it. That was my greatest source of pride. That was what was proving me that this works, all my effort works, the sub works. Now I feel down as it seems to stop - or at least I've hit some sort of plateau. I push myself way too hard with my hiking, trying my best to get back to the good mojo, but I barely have strength for my other commitments. I'm left vulnerable psychologically but still looking at my Endomondo workout and feeling assured I've done good.

That's why I'm ashamed.

And I have little idea what to do next. As I'm getting better after the infection I'm gonna have more energy. My two pillars, the two things that make me proud and happy and fulfilled are my job and my weight loss. And I want to stick to those as it worked in the past. However, I don't know what to do with LTU. I was hoping I'd run it for 180 days or something. Now, considering, I guess I'll take a break at 90 days mark. I'm not sure how long this break will be, somewhere between a week and a month, but I'm curious if such a break would help me climb my way back from the plateau.

Day 63 cont.

Small addendum. I've read LTU store paid to refresh my memory, it says 90 day and 7 days of break is recommended so that's what I'll be aiming for.

I also saw my testimony is at the store page and it made it... proud I guess. The thing is I might be quite negative in my previous post but that's only because relatively I'm worse of then I was a month ago. Considering my attitude and achievements now I'm much better off compared to... well, years I'd guess. Possibly high school. It's all hard to compare and contrast. At any rate I'm happy with the results even now. It's amazing to think my current low is comparable to my highs with DMSI. And don't think my negativity or thoughts of stopping is defeatism. If anything it's a testament of how much I want to get back to the state from a month ago.

Nobody promised this is gonna be an easy ride. And I'm prepared for the bumps, just give me some space to whine and complain in the mean time

Day 64 (1)

I feel slightly better. Not because I'm doing better, I just got this sense of closure and assurance. You know, this internal voice saying "everything's gonna be fine". At any rate today's post is gonna be about women so get ready. 3 things.

Yesterday I said that my NoFap is not going all too well and the reason (the excuse) is my recent rejection. It's a lie. Truth be told, despite all the extraordinary circumstances (and thus aura of destiny for lack of better term) I was barely moved by it. I accepted it and moved on, rarely do I find myself remembering the event and even then I have no ill will to her. This might have made me a little sad or disappointed for 2 or 3 days but that's it. Past me would take this personally, think I was not good enough or whatever. Now? I'm fine. With little to no expectations but assured of myself.

Recent Shannon's reply about "Will vs. Personality" made me think of my ex. Her Will drove her to be with me. I had much to offer, safety and warm she didn't experience in a long time. At the same time however she felt limited by me, like a caged bird. She was extroverted, free spirit kind of person and I was (at for the most part still am) rigid and down-to-earth when it comes to relationships. She loved me, the problem was she loving me made me (in my opinion justly) expect things she just could not give me. I offered safety and expected it back - she wanted safety but couldn't offer it back to me.

Lastly my flatmate told me she has a nice girl for me to hook up with. She said she's sapiosexual (she's into clever guys) and sexoholic (you know what that means ). I am, as always when it comes to things of this nature, sceptical, but I said to go ahead and invite her some day. Again, I have no expectations and if anything I'd expect nothing so there is nothing to lose. And what is to gain I'm not sure if I want just yet but I can always refuse. Win, win, win. Let the die be cast and see where they land. The only thing I could possibly channel from this situation is motivation to go back seriously with NoFap, I lack motivation to stick with it and she might (even with simple prospect of a date) give me such motivation.

In the meantime I will go back to focusing on myself

Day 65 (2)

Quite a good day. I've been quite productive at work and I've had another day of long walks. Today I've done almost 28km in total so almost 5 hours of walking. In fact in the last 5 days I've walked 128km. And given current temperatures this is amazing accomplishment, the fact that I have strength to do this is astonishing.

One reason, beside weight loss efforts, for my long walks are podcasts I listen to. Amount of knowledge I absorb this way is enormous and I have fun doing this. My flatmate pointed out how weird this is that I can listen for 5 hours on some topic. I think LTU is to blame for this. My sincere belief is that knowledge is the best thing person can have. One might take away all your money and possessions, but nobody can take away what you've learned. The only problem is the topics I study this way don't really contribute to anything useful in my life right now. I'm sure I'll find it useful somewhere down the line. In fact me joking about that uselessness of this habit made my flatmate propose me meeting that girl I mentioned yesterday. Again, I doubt this will go anywhere, but I will keep on listening to my podcasts for all the benefits it gives me. If anything it motivates me to walk and I don't think I'd ever be a bad idea.

The only problem I find with this is that I'm no longer driven to meditate during walking. In the past something I'd call "walking Zen" was my main way to process my thoughts. Now I occupy myself my podcasts so there is little room for my thoughts to just fly around. Obviously I can turn them off for a second but then I full uneasy. I was doing something like that this week 2 or 3 times, but only for very emotional stuff. Calmer meditation would be harder for me nowadays.

My ear is finally fine, I'm done with my week of antibiotics and I still use ear drops just to be safe, but nothing hurts me and I don't need painkillers anymore. However, there is a new problem. Due to heat it's hard for me to fall asleep. Last night I had only 3 hours of sleep and I contemplate not even wasting my time tonight. In the past I'd deal with this issue by simply moving into owl-like lifestyle, I'd go to bed at sunrise and wake up around noon for the lunch at my parents'. Now however I want to wake up early to go to work and be productive. The most surprising thing is that due to my hiking I should be exhausted and fall asleep easily. But it's not the case.

Last thing - an observation. I often talk here about my uncertainty with relationship - do I want to be in one or not? I know why I don't want to: I have more time for myself, I'm less vulnerable emotionally and I can focus all my attention on myself and my goals without using another for excuses. But there's part of me longing for it and possibly the most important reason why is fear of missing out. I'm not old but I'm no teenagers either. One might say I'm in my prime right now. And so this is time to experience, to try things out and it includes relationships. There is part of me believing that if I don't date now there will be things I will miss out forever. I know it's not true, from the research on Alpha Male/Redpill/Don Juan/whatever communities I was doing years ago I know man can enter the game late no problem. The problem is believe that I'd not be able, that it's now, in my 20's, or never.

This is not the only toxic belief, arguments can me made that my arguments "against" don't hold too much water either. At the end of the day it all comes down to personal choice. I'd just wish I could make such a choice without being torn inside. I'd almost wish I was heartbroken or jaded so I'd not look back. But I'm not jaded, I've forgiven and I'm grateful.

Last last thing. I was trying to visualize my Will during my meditations and the picture that came out was Interstellar-like black hole with colorful orbits and auras around it. I even had flashbacks to the scene from the movie when Matthew McSomething uses dimension bending inside the black hole to send messages to his daughter. This happened when I tried to enter my own black hole, mostly to see what will happen. I wonder why the black hole and why there were those auras and orbits, absent in the movie.

Day 66 (0)

Today I've managed to complete my long sought for half-marathon walk. In previous post when I was saying "I've done x km walk" what I really meant was "I did 14km here and 8km there and add to that my step-counting app which I turn off when I'm using endomondo and I end up with sum total of x km". But now I have, for the first time since January last year, completed proper 21km walk. I'm tired and proud, I've paid the price with grazes on my thighs, but it was worth it. This also, sadly, means that I will slowly start cutting down on my walking habit. In the long run it's not sustainable, it takes way too long and leaves me exhausted. I will obviously still walk daily, but I'll try to cut it down to 10km/day. That is if my obsessive-compulsive nature will allow it, it's just as likely I will still try to make one better for the foreseeable future until it becomes unsustainable.

Some notes/thoughts about weight loss. Today I discovered in the app I'm using to track my weight that there is neat weekly and monthly summary. According to it I've lost 3.45kg this month. This number is calculated by averaging given months and then subtracting the numbers (so basically average(June)-average(May)). This is great news and great number but it's skewed as my late May weight loss bonanza contributes more to June than to May in this calculation. On the other hand taking weights from a certain dates and subtracting these is not reliable as weight fluctuates. At the end of the day this app offers summaries of weeks as well and I'll use these summaries to guesstimate my weight loss.

Quick calculation gives me around 2kg lost this month, which I'm happy with as this was exactly my goal. My pessimistic whining from a couple days back seems thus to be unjustified. Then again, it shows something sad and scary. I know I want to be loosing 2kg/month but I feel insecure of I don't do better than that. One thing is fear of stagnation of yo-yo effect as I was experiencing it in the past. The other is (more or less hiding) hate of myself for being fat.

I'm BMI 27.6 right now. Certainly not slim but not obese either. The problem is I've always been fat. And I'm scared I'll always be fat. Especially now, when for the first time in a while I'm actually losing weight and if I keep going with this I will get my goal weight by the end of the year! But I have this tendency not to change my outlook of who I am. For example I've lost my virginity 3 years ago and I've slept with 2 women in my life. And still, when I think about myself, I think of myself as a virgin and sexual failure. This is not fair assessment but this is how I think deep down.

That makes me worried. What if now that I have successes and I know it's possible, I try to hard to lose weight? What if I won't be able to stop or I will somehow damage myself in the process, for example by exhausting myself? How can I know where to draw the line? And sure, that line is thick, but it's not that thick when you try to be as close to the edge as possible.

So far I'm optimistic, 2-4kg/month, whichever number you take, is safe. I need to lose about 15kg for my goal, so there is a lot of time left till I achieve this goal. By that time a lot of things may happen, maybe I'll be to overloaded with other stuff to think about this topic. Maybe I'll simply lose interest in weight loss when I'll feel comfortable with my body? We'll see.

One more thing, internet says different things on these topics so maybe some of you might give me an answer. Does walking build up muscle? Especially long, 10+km walks like mine, which do leave me with elevated heart rate after the walk? And especially when I do try to exercise my upper body and abdomen by doing something more akin to march than simple walk? My guess would be yes, but to limited extend. So that, for example, in the past 2 months I've lost 6kg and gained 0.5kg of muscle. I'm way too lazy to do some serious calculations. The thing is I'd be nice to have a rule of thumb on the topic. And I do think my legs and upper body are getting stronger, for sure I get tired less as time progresses which is sure indicator that something is happening with my muscles.

And before you ask no, I don't want to bulk and I never found it attractive. I was always more interested in muscular but slim types, imagine your average runner athlete or, even better example, Bruce Lee. Be like water my friend.

Day 69 (0)

69 guys! 



Juvenile jokes aside, it's time for summary of the month. I could do proper summary, with numbers and all good stuff, like I did it last month, but

• I'm too lazy
  
• Some of these numbers I was already giving you (e.g. weight loss)
  
• There is little to be proud of.
  

The thing is this month had been quite harsh. Let's see: crunch before conference, conference itself, ear infection and now sudden addition to long hikes. First 3 meant I had to forsake some of my commitments, either due to lack of energy or stress taking away my strong will. So, I was smoking more, I was exercising less and my NoFap went down the drain, among other things.

There is however silver lining. I kept on losing weight (by far my biggest commitment), I was quite productive and I feel quite good in general. I don't think I've talked about this on this forum but there is this feeling of assurance about me. Like I know everything is going to be fine and I know I will get what I want and what I believe I deserve. This is powerful feeling as it is the opposite to anxiety and uncertainty about the future.

I wish this month was smoother and as enjoyable as May was. However, you cannot have everything and I still think June was above average. For example I dealt well with the rejection and I successfully faced many challenges, both external and self-imposed.

Also I believe I'm well prepared for the future challenges. Tomorrow I'll post about my plans and challenges it comes with for the July.