Subliminal Talk

Day 24 (4)

Yesterday I've found 5-leaf clover, today I've found 6 4-leaf clovers. Now these are impressing numbers, surely I must be overflowing with luck... Well, not really, no :/

I don't feel lucky by any means anyway.

Work is going slow and the thought that I'll be going tomorrow to my mom's instead of staying in the city and being useful makes me kinda sad. I'll be able to keep myself busy no problem, but there are some threads that I'd like to have finally closed. I'd sleep more soundly at night I think.

It's not that I cannot sleep, my recent new system makes it so I go to sleep when I'm tired so I'm sleeping almost as soon as I hit the bed.

Day 25 (5)

I've looked at myself in the mirror today. And wow, I don't look half bad actually. I look better than ever before in my life. Add to that quite decent haircut and nicely trimmed beard and I might call myself handsome

Standing I almost look slim already. While sitting it's much worse, but I'm sure I'm getting there. I almost had a thought that I'm being too harsh at myself but BMI 24 is still on the high side and I want to get to 21-22 range, only them I will reevaluate if I should go below it. As a diabetic I'll probably consult my doctor by that point.

As a reminder I've started 18 months ago with BMI 30. So yeah, it is possible It's funny how some time ago I was trying dedicated Weight Loss sub and it did me no good while LTU does wonders on that front!

Day 26 (0)

I've had a wet dream today. A wet dream dream! NoFap is turning me into a horny teenager again :/

And no, this is not why I've restared my counter. I did so because after I woke up I felt so... submissive. The entire dream was very submissive (I don't wanna get into details as I guess I might be not comfortable for others to read) and the feeling didn't wat to go away. So giving to it, masturbating and going forward with my life was the easiest choice.

Still, over 5 days is not a bad score.

But damn, when was the last time I had to change my pants in the middle of the night? In primary school?

Day 27 (1)

I've taken a good look at myself in the mirror today and damn, my abs are starting to really get shape! Without any exaggeration I look the best I've ever did. This is huge morale boost and I love it!

What I don't love is my mother's behavior right now. She's just... I can understand grief, but she's so full of victim mentality right now. She's wearing her widowhood with pride and makes it as her mantle. No will to change anything in her life, no self-realization, nothing. And not a single thought of taking responsibility for herself and her happiness beyond what she was used to when my dad was still alive.

I don't want to be too harsh on her. I don't wanna pretend I can teach her lessons in days which took me years to learn. But damn, if not for the fact that we are blessed with good enough life that there is no need for her to take this responsibility she'd be in deep crap right now.

For example she cries how lonesome she feels, but she won't join any club, won't go get some friends. She complains how bored she is but she won't get any hobby because... well, no. I tell her to start reading books again, when she was young she'd read Homer all other stuff. Now she says she's too old. Too old to read.

I hate her excuses and her bullshit. I get she deals much worse with the death of my dad than I did but it's been over a year already, do something with your life woman!

Day 29 (1)

I've forgotten to post yesterday, great :/

Not much to say honestly, I'm back in the City, back to my old habits and my work.

I've reminded myself recently that through July and August my rent is lower, which means I'll have more money to spend with nothing to spend it on. I wave 4 options from what I can see: saving up, clothes, electronics and entertainment. None of them resonate too well with me right now. I was even thinking about buying year's worth of Dropbox subscription but that would be worthless quite frankly - useful but not at that price.

I'm having interesting experiences on Tinder, might talk about it more as things unfold and I gather my thoughts.

Day 30 (2)

I wanna learn ancient Greek, either Attican or Koine as I doubt I'd be able to find any Rhomaika classes. I ain't gonna do it, but I wanna.

Day 33 (5)

I fell physically like crap, so I'm pretty much useless and I might as well post an update

So, my ex wrote to me yesterday. I've seen that my friend was meeting with her and preemptively I wrote to him that if she's asking about me tell her I'm dead. He must have told her that, never the master of subtlety.

Anyhow she wrote how she apologizes and she's not asking for forgiveness. I had a couple of options. I could apologize her too and forgive her, but I don't wanna do that. I don't think she deserves forgiveness and I don't wanna invite her into my life again. She's done enough damage and I'm the goo way of making things right for myself, finally. I could destroy her, tell her words which would resonate till her deathbed. I don't wanna do that as I'd feel satisfaction for a day or two, but after that I'd feel guilty.

So I chose silence. I will show my disdain towards her by posting simply "seen" under her message. I wouldn't be able to do that in the past, then I wanted to always have the last word. Now I don't need such satisfaction. All I want is peace and clean conscious.

Day 34 (6)

It's fun to watch destiny unfold before your eyes. I've grown old and wise enough to see and recognize these moments. Those are not moments of unavoidable events like ancient prophecies, more like a choice, crossroads were you are given the option to go left or straight ahead. The former is going further with your like, the latter is changing it as you'd wish it had happened. In the past I'd pick one of there almost unconsciously, without regard of the consequences. Now I can ponder on them.

And be careful what you wish, you may regret it. Be careful what you wish, you just might get! (Ohhh, King Nothing!)

I've met this very nice girl on tinder recently. Nice and fun and intelligent. Very compatible in terms of character and sense of humor. Old me would go after her and not look back. Current me had doubts. I enjoy solitude and I'm not sure if I'm ready to shed it for companionship. A relationship for me is indistinguishable from the cage right now. And getting into one sounds stupid. On the other hand she's really great and I might not get another chance like that anytime soon.

What I will do is I'm gonna be honest with her. If she's willing to give me some patience and acknowledge that she might be asking from me more than I can give, then eventually I'll open up for her. If not, she'd probably never been the one from the start. We'll see how it goes.

Day 37 (9)

Things are so messed up in my country on the eve of the presidential elections that I found myself almost active in politics Don't get me wrong, I've always been conscious on these matters and always took part in the elections (even if I'd cast invalid vote as a sign of protest) but odds are so close and there is hope for change in status quo that I cannot help but be excited. If anything I find it amusing though that I don't need to look at USA for good political laughs anymore

Emotions, intelligent humor, thorough data analysis, twists and turns, this campaign has it all

Day 39 (1)

So, I've been to a date today. I have to go through it all some more I fear but there are some things that I need to say right now. The most important being that I really, really need to think about some things and be frank about it with myself.

I'm just tired. I find it hard recently to distinguish my own needs and wants from what I ought to do (or rather or others think I ought to do and I follow it blindly). Relationships are nice but they feel like a cage to me and throughout I felt like thinking "imagine spending the rest of life with her" and I was not pleased. I wonder if I'm not seeing something others see and so I'm hostile to this idea or maybe I'm right and the world is wrong, believing that "the significant other" makes one happier and forcing me to procreate for sake of... yeah what exactly? (A thought for another day)

I simply don't feel comfortable to give up my freedom. My 6-day long week with 28 long days I've learned to cherish so much recently, my "eat what and when I want" attitude, my research and small quirks, my "leave me alone" need when I'm in my mood.

Truth is I love myself, not in a narcissistic way but simply in a sense of care and forgiveness and such, and I'd rather be with myself than forcing myself to change my way for the sake of "the significant other".

Still though, I feel like I can be wrong and I need to acknowledge I might need to change my attitude in the future. At what cost though? Wasting my time dating just to realize every 2 months that it's pointless?

Day 40 (2)

Sometimes I forget how emotional person I am. I don't do well in emotional situations, where I don't control what I fell. Like yesterday.

That girl I've been on a date with - she's nice and pretty and intelligent but there's been craptone of red flags around her. It's not something that crosses her outright but it's something that should make me careful around her. She acts like my ex did, the whole "I'm sad because of what you did/didn't do but it's not your fault" crap that made me lose my mind 2 years ago.

I don't wanna go there again. I just want.

Day 42-43 (4-5)

I'm posting double day as it's after midnight of day 42 and so technically day 43 and while normally I wouldn't care and still dub it day 42 I feel like this is gonna be a long night for me and I'll be busy on day 43. So, double day I guess.

There past couple of days hasn't been kind to me due to, mostly, myself. I've told myself I'll be honest with myself and I mostly were, sadly though this means accepting facts better (easier?) left to ignorance as they are hard to accept. There are blames and I need to take a fall for and, worse of all, perhaps even apologize - the hardest thing of all if you're not certain that you should.

Having a lot of conflicting opinions ring in my head what I'm flirting is the idea of mind map. I hope that having all these conundrums plotted graphically might help me reconcile them and to find a remedy for my current issues.

My main problem right now is, of course, my mom and her illness. Again, it's nothing serious or life-threatening, but after I lost my dad I worry a lot. Maybe too much, but I wanna give her as much care as I can right now. I don't want her to feel alone. This pushes aside other issues like work and weight loss in the mean time, but it's fine. I can do that and I can afford to.

Second issue was the election. It's a minor one all things considered but as the race was close I feel strange sense of powerlessness. First election in my life (OK, not the first, but that one was practically won from the start so it doesn't count) I really cared about and we've lost it. It's a shame, but my stoicism works great for these occasions and I know that my life will be fine regardless of who's reigning. It's just a shame, that's all.

Third but possibly the most dangerous one is this whole date thing. What it did was showed me how much unfinished business I still have, how much dirt I've hidden in my closet and let it all rot there. What's worse, I fear I might have developed this stupid "pushing away those you love" kind of mechanism which is great for emotional self-defense, but terrible in the long run. The truth is that girl cared (cares?) about me and maybe I shouldn't push her away like that. Still, I'm scared that I'll let her come closer to me knowing full well I won't be ever able to give her what she's looking for just to make myself feel better. I need some more time to go through this, possibly when I don't have my mom on my mind.

BTW, @Shannon I've heard your working on LTU6 now. What do you recommend, ending this run prematurely in anticipation for LTU6 or completing this run and starting LTU6 only after I get this run done and 30 day break. Also what about pricing, will update from LTU5 to 6 be cheaper than simply buying LTU6?

Day 44 (6)

My mom's at the hospital, the surgery probably tomorrow. I'm not scared but I'm certainly worried. At any rate I can't do much now so there is no point lingering over it except by giving my mom some support via the phone.

I'm alone in the house now, so I'm back to my normal mode of living. However, as I'm out of sync as I'm not in my regular flat, I hope to use the next couple of days to get some self-discovery work done. It's easier to work on oneself when your outside of your everyday comfort zone.

I've looked at my NoFap stats and I came up with a new goal for myself. This year I need to either get the 30 day streak or get all past year records beaten. In my app I'm using to follow my progress there are 10 best streaks visible - 5 of them are from 2020 and 5 from 2019. I want all the 10 best streaks to be from 2020, which will mean having 8 at least 11 day streaks. Either goal is fine as they both work to break my habits. I'm at the day 6 now, in the past that would be close to impossible to me, now it's pretty easy. Progress sometimes comes organically, not in leaps.

Day 45 (7)

My adventures with clovers are getting more and more ridiculous. I won't bother describing them here as I think it would be boring to simply point them out. Needless to say I'm trying to understand what's going on and I'm coming to some interesting conclusions, including how LTU might be helping me in me finding these clovers.

I wish I could talk more about Will and "lust of result" etc. and how that might be helping me getting to my goals further down my life journey but I don't feel comfortable talking about this level of occultism and hermetic teachings here. Rule 4 should be obeyed and I was discussing these ideas already with my observations of my weight loss efforts - how I started to see results when I wanted to lose weight not for looks or health but out of simple love and acceptance of myself.

BTW what's scary is that yesterday and today, as I was meditating, it became obvious to me that this year is the last year of this early stage of my self-improvement journey. At this pace in the next year I will no longer have an excuse of "preparing for the challenges ahead" and I'll have to face these challenges instead. That's one scary thought, but it looks like I'll be armed with LTU6 by that time so things should go well. Still, I have fewer and fewer excuses and there is a lot of work to be finally done instead of whining. I feel like truly weird stuff will start happening in my life in 2021.