Subliminal Talk

Day 6

What a relief. I haven't felt such relief in a long time, let me tell you.

So what happened was my chronically depressed friend found herself a lover (despite the fact that she still hasn't broke with her current boyfriend) and gotten all sexed-up all of the sudden, thus that flirting. So, I'm safe, her problems are not my own and I will not have to hurt her by rejecting her. Ufffff...

Back to the regular schedule I guess. Right now, although I'm a little hangover, I have to get back to work. Tomorrow is the first day after the vacation and I have huge presentation on Wednesday. So I'll be busy, after that everything will slowly crawl back to normal and I'll start focusing again on self-improvement.

What I love so far about this run of LTU, at least compared to pause in December, is that even if I make mistake I'm still driven to go further and try again. In December I had very defeatist attitude, now I just go.

Nice growth.

(01-06-2020, 09:13 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Nice growth.

Honestly? Hardly. I mean I appreciate the tenacity LTU is giving me but it's a long way to a proper growth.

In a little bit different circumstances I might have a very good growth, but sadly I've taken too much on my shoulders at work during the Autumn "to be too busy to be depressed" and now I have to deal with that before I'll have both time and strength for some serious ideas. It's funny how I've made my work the focus of the second LTU run and now on the third I feel like it's kicking me in the sack for that choice.

Another thing about LTU, from what I've noticed I get good results in days 1-20, great at 20-50 and diminishing ones at 50-90. More or less of course. I wonder if 90 day runs are too long for me or maybe there is some reason for my LTU fatigue.

By the way @Shannon, I'm waiting for the news about the new LTU version 

I said, NICE GROWTH, dammit!

You must appreciate all growth. Even the small steps. It is all growth, and it all counts, matters and is improvement.

So... nice growth.

You're waiting for news about a new version of LTU? I'm waiting for when I can finish FRM 4.9. Then we both get what we want.

(01-06-2020, 02:35 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I said, NICE GROWTH, dammit!

You must appreciate all growth.  Even the small steps.  It is all growth, and it all counts, matters and is improvement.  

So... nice growth.  

You're waiting for news about a new version of LTU?  I'm waiting for when I can finish FRM 4.9.  Then we both get what we want.  

OK, OK, fine, a very nice growth

Day 7

Arguably huge success today. For the first time since I started smoking in some 3 and a half years ago I didn't have a cigarette in my mouth. Now, obviously with vaping in hand it's relatively easy but I feared that I will miss the ritual that smoking entails. You know, lighting the thing, having 5 minutes just for yourself. I don't miss it. That was a lie. All I miss is nicotine and with that knowledge I with be either phasing out nicotine from my liquids or I'll stop it cold turkey style somewhere down the line this year.

There is still point of "nicotine helps me cope with stress" but does it, really? Short term maybe, but long term? Hardly.

Also I'll have to figure out where to put the money I'll save

Day 8

The presentation proved to be a relative success, not stellar but not tragedy either. Given how stressed I was it might have went much, much worse.

After the stress went away I got this nice feeling. I think I felt it last time when I was running this version of LTU for the first time. It's the feeling of life giving you a great hand of cards and you can play it anyway you want it. Choice is yours and it matters, you can waste it or change your life. And I have an idea.

I'm not sure if I want to do it, I'll give myself time until Monday for a decision. At any rate one of my commitments this year is to lose weight and I wanted to start doing this for real in Spring. Today though I thought that the time is now. Why? Because I use my weight as an excuse and though I went from 90 to 80 last year it's still 10-15kg too many. So there is no question about weight loss and the sooner I'm there the sooner I can focus on other stuff.

Winter is not as good for weight loss efforts as Spring and Summer but I can still go for it now.

Day 10

Screw it, I'm doing it. I'm doing it dammit!

I feel like life is giving me a chance. A chance to really, finally change. And I cannot allow myself to waste it away. It's been 4 days since I've had a cigarette for the last time and if I can lose the weight... Well, then I'll know I can do anything. It's just a matter of proving it to myself and believing.

So, the goal is to lose 5kg by the end of March and further 5kg in Spring and Summer for 15kg in total. I don't know if I can do it but to be honest I have no other choice. I have to seize the chance. I simply have to!

Good luck man I'm rooting for you!
Edit: although luck has nothing to do with it!

Day 16

I was meaning to write an update for some time now but somehow I didn't find much time or will to do it. A shame to be honest.

I'm kind of torn. What I'm doing nowadays is extreme single mindedness. I set myself to lose weight and I'm doing great job of it. Well, there are no clear results yet but my exercises and hard and fulfilling - I break my past records and I'm very consistent. I eat less and better quality. Normally lack of results would worsen my morale but not now. I know this is months long struggle and I'm up for it.

Moreover there are other benefits out from it. Just to name few my sleep got better and I'm at 7th day of NoFap with ease while normally it would be a real challenge. Also I'm slowly removing useless stuff I was following on my social media - I'm not up to give up on likes of Facebook or Reddit but I can filter it.

At the same time though other areas of life suffer. My productivity is lowest since I got over my dad's death and I haven't read anything worthwhile in a while.

Part of me thinks that it was a mistake to think that I can do multiple goals at the same time, as I did in Autumn. Another part of me thinks however that I should strife towards it. I'm not sure. I feel comfortable with this single mindedness. In coming weeks I'll see how well it serves me in a long term.

Day 21

Lost about 1kg so far, good pace for my 5kg goal by the end of March.

That's not why I wanted to post today however. I wonder... do I want to suffer?

Maybe I do too much philosophy nowadays. I don't read per se but I listen to podcasts during my walks and philosophy is one of the topics at hand. So, I get exposed to likes of Nietzsche and Kierkegaard. And I think ideas of being lost in the infinite and in the finite, about anxiety and dread, they hit too hard right now.

Maybe I don't have my goals straight. I decided to focus on weight loss, with some successes nowadays, but it is demanding. I could be doing more with my time and my willpower. I could wait for more opportune time in Spring and Summer, instead I feel like I need to do it NOW.

Maybe I have it all wrong. When I'm in doubt I do the closest thing I have to a prayer. I ask myself a question and listen to the first thought I have. I listen to my intuition without any prejudices of what I want the answer to be. But the answers now lead to me some territories where I feel comfortable but I cannot be sure if it will lead me somewhere.

I'm sick of treading in place is what I'm saying.

And this weight loss affair, well, it's great but isn't it an excuse to postpone? "Oh, I will do this and that once I'm fit enough". It'll be swell if I do but what if I will finally get fit and I will find new excuses? "Oh, I will do this and that once I'm rich enough". Treading in place pretending I'm doing something. Repeating same old mistakes and suffering in comfort.

And still what I intend on doing for this run is this very excuse. Why? Because I've been fat all my life. It's who I was since I was 3. And if I am to redefine myself my weight problem is one of those I must address. It's just that... I cannot allow myself to use it as an excuse.

It's all about journey, not the destination after all. And treading in place in no journey.

Day 22

My last update was quite pessimistic so I thought I'd post something more upbeat. Well... not really.

There are moments in my life when I feel like things fall into their places. It's fun feeling as you feel like you're actually going somewhere. Small thoughts, ideas manifest. You experience random events that simply cannot be coincidences.

This is pretty much how I feel now. It's not perfect but for sure, the fact that I have courage to pursue goals I've been postponing for so long and that these goals come easy for me is very nice. Even at work, when I think I stand before a serious challenge what happens is that thing is actually quite easy. What scared me a month ago now simply flows out of me. Almost as if I was doing some mental calculation in the back of my head and only now I'm getting the results.

At times like these it's easy to trust the Universe or whatever and just go with the flow. It's what I'm doing now, I trust my intuition, but like I said in the previous update that might easily be a trap.

We'll see where it leads.

Day 31

If you follow my journal you might notice that I post updates mostly when things are so-so. When things are going well I don't feel like posting, when the opposite I'm too ashamed to post. This month it's been most definitely the former.

Let me think. I've quit smoking. I've lost 2kg. I've beaten my NoFap record (13 days). My work is going relatively well. I've been at the best concert of my life. And I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

All of these boast could be (and mayhaps will be) posts on their own. What I wanna say is... I'm getting there. I feel like slowly but steadily I'm getting to where I wanna be.

I almost dread to think what the next version of LTU might bring.

I'm curious why you would dread the next version of LTU? This seems to be doing well for you.

(02-01-2020, 06:49 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]I'm curious why you would dread the next version of LTU?  This seems to be doing well for you.

It was half a joke but to be honest... I'm scared a little bit. When all your life you were using excuses to justify not doing certain things and now these excuses slowly disappear, it is kinda scary. If I keep on with this in a couple of months I will have to really man up and take responsibility for myself and my fate simply because these past (and present) excuses will be no more.

I'm sure you've encountered this kind of fear many times Shannon. And if anything the fact that I don't shy away from fighting these excuses is a great testament to the strength of the subs.