Subliminal Talk

Day 31 (1)

My Darkest Day(s)

Today's post was supposed to be different, something like "last tranquil day" where I'd whine about how my every single day up until 7th of September when I come back from my travels will involve some kind of "out of the comfort zone" action. But I found something better.

While in transit I was listening on Spotify the recommendations it throws at me. And, among other songs of course, it had thrown me this gem.



I fell in love with this song on the first listen. But why? Great beat at the "SAAAAAAAVEEE YOURSEEEEEEELF" moment is one thing. The other is that this song resonates so well with me it's magical.

It's not the first time it happened and it won't be the last. During the current LTU run I've had many song I was simply listening on repeat for hour or so. The difference is these songs are mostly songs I already knew or I clearly understood the meaning.

Here I don't know why I love this song so much. I have three theories:

• It's a song from myself to myself - save yourself from who you are, break the chain and do what's best for you without regard for past (present) you
  
• It's song from me to my ex(es) - I'm a jerk full of crap and I will only hurt you, I know you love me but you'll be eventually more happy without me than ever with me
  
• It's song from my ex(es) to me - You (me) deserve so much more that I (my ex) can give you.
  

And that's screwed up that I cannot say which one is "more true". And I wish I knew. If I were to guess I'd say option 1 followed by option 3 but damn, the difference is like a width of a hair. I'll have to meditate in my mental Versailles something fierce on it.

Save yourself from the choices I make cause nothing but failure follows...

Day 34 (0)

Inertia of the Universe

I have some time before going to the party so I thought I would post an update. I've been coming to some quite interesting conclusions but I will talk more about them when I get back from the trip. I would be vain to talk about things I cannot quite yet put into action. I want to share my feelings though.

You probably didn't notice this but for a very, very long time I was not talking about my confidence. Why? Because recently my confidence was always high. I almost forgot how it feels to doubt myself. That's the reason for silence - it became natural for me that I am confident in myself. What a strange idea to be honest.

Crowley (whom I'm not the greatest fun but the has nuggets of brilliance to his writing) talks about Will and those who follow it have the Inertia of the Universe to aid them. And I can feel it. I have this sense of assurance. Everything is going to be fine, I know it. How? I don't know. But so far everything has indeed going well. Did I experience failures? Sure. Did I do everything right? Of course not. But still I have this sense that everything is as it should be. Confidence and calmness arise from this feeling. I'm where I'm supposed to be.

What's more I cannot help but feel how Universe conspires to aid me. Small coincidences that are not coincidental. Decisions made some time ago now bear fruit. I change and grow everyday. And I know that future has a lot to offer for me. There is a lot to look forward to. Maybe it's due to my reading of Dune where these ideas are being expressed but damn, it's such a sublime feeling.

Furthermore I was yesterday reminded of Lovecraft. You know, eldritch horror guy. I liked him as an edgy teenager for he presented obscured knowledge as scary and dangerous. Now though it is hopeful. There is nothing scary in my future. There are challenges, sure, but these are not scary. These are anvils I need to use to form myself into a better shape.

I love these feeling. The feeling of "nothing will go wrong as long as you won't fight the inertia" meaning you won't let the fear stop you. And I fear less and less. Where fear used to reign now there is hope and assurance. Let it stay this way.

There is something I want very strongly right now. Something I have 50 days to get. And I can almost feel the strings pulling me in that direction. I cannot let these string fray now. I just hope I want it enough that no fears or "buts" or "howevers" will screw this up. It's not something I can force or prepare for. It's something I need to embrace and, when the time comes, act on it. And I will, with the Inertia to aid me.

Day ?? (4)

Elective amnesia

Greetings from Scotland. I've having lots of fun at the trip so no worries. Also I decided I won't be listening to the subs on this trip so when I get back home next week I'll be restarting my LTU run. I will call this short run as "run 1.5".

There is something I want to share though. In my recent post I have mentioned amnesia, how I have forgotten what it means to have low self-esteem. Let's dig deeper into this subject as it really fascinated me in the past few days.

Today I have experienced disappointment. Now wow, what a thing, right? Well, yes. I have not experienced it in a while. And if I was disappointed it was at myself, not something out of my control. Because, after all, what is disappointment? It's a feeling of sadness you get when things don't go according to your plans.

I had a plan. And it went down the drain, badly, before I could even start it. Assumptions were wrong or I was stupid, it doesn't matter. What matters is my reaction. In the past I would be sad, depressed, anxious. I used to have problems coupping with the issue. But now? It's whole different story.

Now I have a default to fall into then things go south. The plan is simple - to focus on myself. And it's a strong plan. Or at least it's as strong as myself. It really makes me smile when I realize how strong me and my plan have become. Right now pretty much nothing can destroy this plan.

And it's funny. It's hilarious how not so long ago I would make plans and they would go south and I would try to salvage them and these would fail as well and I would be anxious and depressed. I have also forgotten how it feels. Elective amnesia. The question is should I try to preserve these feelings? Should I keep them as a reminder of how life is or should I keep with the high and let go.

I do not know. But I know that I want to be as strong as possible, to keep with the current flow and just enjoy my life. There are so many opportunities, so many things to do and experience. To hold back for sake of past or unrealized dreams is folly.

TL;DR would be that LTU via confidence and focus on myself gave me outcome-independence, allowing me to brush of disappointment brought by failure of plans. And via elective amnesia this is such a scary and wonderful effect!

(08-28-2019, 01:43 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day ?? (4)

Elective amnesia

Greetings from Scotland. I've having lots of fun at the trip so no worries. Also I decided I won't be listening to the subs on this trip so when I get back home next week I'll be restarting my LTU run. I will call this short run as "run 1.5".

There is something I want to share though. In my recent post I have mentioned amnesia, how I have forgotten what it means to have low self-esteem. Let's dig deeper into this subject as it really fascinated me in the past few days.

Today I have experienced disappointment. Now wow, what a thing, right? Well, yes. I have not experienced it in a while. And if I was disappointed it was at myself, not something out of my control. Because, after all, what is disappointment? It's a feeling of sadness you get when things don't go according to your plans.

I had a plan. And it went down the drain, badly, before I could even start it. Assumptions were wrong or I was stupid, it doesn't matter. What matters is my reaction. In the past I would be sad, depressed, anxious. I used to have problems coupping with the issue. But now? It's whole different story.

Now I have a default  to fall into then things go south. The plan is simple - to focus on myself. And it's a strong plan. Or at least it's as strong as myself. It really makes me smile when I realize how strong me and my plan have become. Right now pretty much nothing can destroy this plan.

And it's funny. It's hilarious how not so long ago I would make plans and they would go south and I would try to salvage them and these would fail as well and I would be anxious and depressed. I have also forgotten how it feels. Elective amnesia. The question is should I try to preserve these feelings? Should I keep them as a reminder of how life is or should I keep with the high and let go.

I do not know. But I know that I want to be as strong as possible, to keep with the current flow and just enjoy my life. There are so many opportunities, so many things to do and experience. To hold back for sake of past or unrealized dreams is folly.

TL;DR would be that LTU via confidence and focus on myself gave me outcome-independence, allowing me to brush of disappointment brought by failure of plans. And via elective amnesia this is such a scary and wonderful effect!

I would say you definitely want to keep the selective amnesia.  I found that a part of that program makes you feel that you’ve always been that way, and that any traumas that lead to dysfunctional thinking and feeling never effected you.  I think the removal of the emotional part of those memories is part of how FRM works, and if you were to start to re experience them, it would undo the progress.

Day ?? (0)

Premature summary of the trip

I'm still in Scotland, tomorrow I'm inbound for Amsterdam and the next day I'm leaving for the home. It's still not quite the end but due to some developments it might just as well be the end. You see, after a week of constant sight-seeing and having fun in general I got sick. Nothing serious, just a flu, but enough so that I don't really have strength to do much. Surely not enough for my usual 20-30km walks around new city I visit.

So... the summary. It was fun. A lot of fun actually. I both visited lots of beautiful places and had great time with my family, my 4 years old godson included. Which is strange as I'm really bad with children. Oh well, maybe that oneis different

The theme of the trip would be without a doubt challenge. I had to go out of my comfort zone numerous times and up until I got sick I would always come on top. To my surprise I was able to be very confident and able while outside of the comfort zone. I think I will expand on this topic once I get back home and I'll have better retrospect on the topic.

My flu sickness in no coincidence I believe. When I was small child I would get sick all the time. Now it happens rarely, maybe once a year. But when it happens it's always at the moment when I can use it as an excuse. As if my body allows itself to be sick to provide an excuse not to do things. So this flu is something like "you've visited a lot already but enough of the challenges, get back home and use the flu as an excuse you don't have to go out of your way anymore". Well, thanks for nothing.

Similar story with NoFap. Here I've managed to score 11 days streak, however then I got sick and I also got this incredible erotic dream. Needless to say I tried to fight the urge but that dream left too strong of a mark. Like I said many times already I have mixed thoughts about how necessary for me NoFap is, however still I fell like I let myself down. Strong mind however requires strong body - with resolve I had I would do some exercises or read something to calm my urges. But when lying under sheets there was little in terms of combating the urge.

I don't hate myself for that. Sometimes it is better to let go and fight another day. I just hope I'll have stronger conviction to the idea in the future. There is lots at stake with this one after all. I might not need NoFap right now but I will need it in the future when my excuses finally run dry. I might start with this sooner rather than later just as well.

One final but quite important musing. All my trips this summer were great. From among 5 I've had this one I'd rank 2nd. However now, as I'll be coming back home, I'll have to return to good old routine. And that scares me. It wouldn't normally. I enjoy routine. "9 to 5 and suit and tie". However this return to work will be different. Now, due to LTU, I feel I have obligations to myself. I have things I'll have to do and things I'll have to stop doing. And that's scary, looks like hard work. Limiting oneself is never easy. But it is necessary.

Let me brace that responsibility as flu-infested last 2 days of my vacation last. Brave New World is approaching, The World of promise. I'm not sure if I will but I'm sure I must if I am to follow my dreams. To be whom I want to be.

Day 0 (0)

I'm back home, finally. I believe I've never been this long outside of my home my entire life! And, for the first time, I did not miss home. Maybe because of this realization that I'll have to work hard on myself once I'm back. Or maybe because travelling finally grew on me. I don't know. Which means both.

I labeled this post as "Day 0" because I'll be starting this run tomorrow. Why? I'll explain tomorrow It has to do with occasion and remembrance though, nothing prevents me from starting in here and now.

No grandiose musings either for today. Not because I couldn't come up with something but because I'm tired and the cold/flu is still hitting me. Good things I came back on Friday, I'll have 2 more days to get into shape. I have one interesting thought but I think it would be controversial and by that I mean misunderstood so I need to elaborate more on it. I'd have to do with self-expression and perceived limitations.

Tomorrow I'll talk about courage. I'll try to make is special, for myself if anything else.

Day 1 (0)

It's been exactly half a year since my father's death. To be honest I'm not sure how I feel about this. For the most part I'm over it, I have accepted it. On the other hand the very thought that he's gone sound unreal.

What's ever worse is that these last 6 months had been probably the best months of my life. Between influence of the LTU and wake up call given by the death I have made huge leaps. I've traveled a lot, visited places I've always dreamed of seeing with my own eyes - Forum Romanum and Japan. I lost over 10kg of weight. I gained unshakable confidence and got over both past relationships and current loneliness. I'm happier, I'm wealthier and I'm more mature than ever before. I don't make excuse, I gain strength from it. I want to be someone my father would be proud of.

So I decided this is perfect time to start new run of LTU. Next couple of months should be quite tranquil so I will be able to focus on self-development. To be honest I feel like I stand in front of a tall order. To do one better than the last months seems almost impossible. To continue seems difficult. So I don't want to corner myself into setting some goal that might be out of reach. Also I feel like set of challenges in front of me are different than they used to. I will focus on the journey, destination unknown.

And I think I can say that only due to my newly gained confidence and self-assurance. I trust myself and I trust the Universe. That trust served me well so far.

I have found courage in myself. And there are two types of courage. One, easier one, is when you are pressed against the wall and you have to act. As Sun Tzu said "Throw your soldiers into positions whence there is no escape, and they will prefer death to flight". Replace "death" with "shame" or something similar and you'll get my message. An example would be my trip to Amsterdam - I was sick and I could stay entire day in my hotel room. Instead, faced with the fact I would have wasted such an opportunity, money and time, I ventured into the city, into the unknown in less than ideal circumstances. I chose action over excuses.

But there is a second one. I might call it armchair courage or "let future me worry about it" courage. It's not enough to have courage when in the thick of an event. It's another matter to purposefully set oneself onto such situation. Not outright, no. In a week or a month. To promise someone something you know you don't want to do but it will benefit you if you do it. So you will as you must now. It takes trust in oneself to exercise this courage. In the past I would always set things up just to bail out of them. Now though I never bail. And my setups are more often and more bold.

These two go hand in hand. One without the other is incomplete. Might be useful, but still incomplete. And I want them complete and I want this pattern to be the focus of this run. Between courage, trust and confidence there will be nothing impossible for me to do. All I need to do is to figure out what I truly want right now.

Day 2 (1)

Holding onto strings better left to fray

"Holding Onto Strings Better Left to Fray" is an album released in 2011 by Seether, one of my favorite bands. It's kind of unique album for me. Rarely do I follow bands and more often than not I learn about new albums with some delay. Not this one though, I was waiting for it. Also it was released in a time of my life where I was redefining myself from edgy high-school to soon adult university student. Also it has great title, which was only expect given previous album was called "Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces".

I'd say all the songs on this album are good. Half of them are great. One of them is exceptional. I have 3 modes of listening to music: listening to any and all music, listening to a couple of songs on repeat and not listening at all. Currently I'm somewhere between first and second one. However, when I'm in the third mode, "Yeah!" from this album is the only song I can listen to. Short look at the lyrics will tell you why.

Quote:There's no comfort in song
I find it hard to believe

Don't go gently into the night
But keep on fighting as the light dies
A wise man knows that the dark's right
But will keep on coming, keep on coming on
Some will tell you that it's all right
The sun is burning in a dead sky
But you can't keep living in a broke mind
So keep on running, keep on coming on

But it's not music I want to discuss today. Yesterday I have realized something interesting. In an exercise of the "worry later" kind of courage I have removed all my porn some time ago. Why didn't I brag about it earlier? Because why should I, it's silly. But to be honest I did not think it a big step at all. I just did it, I just wanted to burn that particular bridge.

Yesterday while hunting for some porn I got reminded of one from my collection. I was trying to find it to no avail, it's no longer available. I'm sure it's there somewhere but looking for it might take ages. I realized I do hold onto stings better left to fray. It's hard to let go, to give up what you had.

Today when I think of it I gives me closure. I have no choice but to give it up. My ex once told me, in an ultimately selfish act I think now, that we should remain friends after failure of our relationship. Among her reasoning was to keep image of the other one as real as possible - if we were to cut ties memories would take hold and imaginary, romanticized version would prevail. Ultimately it's not what happened. It was letting go, burning the bridges and letting the strings fray that gave me closure.

The lesson for me is simple - I should be more courageous not only in setting up actions, but also in setting up blocks for actions. So that if I know I don't want something now but I will want it in the future but it will be harmful, well, I should prevent it now. I always found it difficult. Always found it a struggle. Limiting myself is harder than forcing myself. But there might be more wisdom to it than I gave it credit before.

Day 8 (0)

Effortlessness

I have a confession to make. I was wrong. I thought things would be different, easier than they really are. I was perhaps too vain, certainly proud and too confident. Maybe the past effortless of effort made me believe in an illusion that I can do more than I can.

Or at least what I can do effortlessly.

You see, my first run of LTU was mostly a blast, I made enough praise of it already. However following what is effortless and gaining the profits from it won't cut it now. This past week was pretty crappy for me. It wasn't bad by my usual standards but it was terrible by first LTU standards.

Huge part of this issue is that I have changed my priorities for this one. And maybe I need some adjustments to my mindset. But mostly it's because I got lazy. I have to get my mojo back. Remember my diatribe about how I listen to music? I'm in the "one song on repeat" phase now. This is not a good sign.

What I all comes down to is that I have to put myself together and do some work using my strong will. In other words I have to force myself to do things consciously, things that are not effortless. I can do it, I know I can. Again, it's about change of mindset and bursting this bubble of effortlessness.

I will do one habit, one goal at the time. I will make a list and I will check it twice but surely I will follow it. Most importantly I have to learn to follow stricter day schedule and get back to my pre-trips habits like meditation. What it gave me was I have learnt a lot about myself. But perhaps not enough.

What makes it all the harder is the season. I loathe autumn. Shorter and shorter days are killing me, I have proven without a shadow of a doubt connection between autumn and depressing thoughts in myself. October and November have always been hardest months for me. Winter is not that bad as by that time you are used to only a couple hours of sunlight per day.

So, unlike I thought previously, this is going to be a bumpy ride. This is not gonna be simple and effortless. I'll be probably be able to do less than I hoped. Buuuuuuuut it's not an excuse. I might be not as strong as I was in spring but I still have the same resolve. Otherwise I would simply stop listening to LTU and call it a day. There'll always be some reason to run other sub and run from the problems.

Fly, raven, fly. Burn, fire, burn. Arise, word, arise. And work destiny!

Day 9 (0)

I have some huge mood swings recently. During today's walk I've switched between all 3 modes of listening to music and I've even almost cried while listening to Eluveitie's "Call of the Mountains".

By the way last verse from the last post comes also from their song, "Lvgvs". Song's written in reconstructed gaulish (maining from Gaul, not gaelic from British Isles) but there are some decent-but-flawed translations.

I'd say these swings are unlike me other than the fact that they are exactly like me, just me from before LTU. This means I can manage it and be productive etc. The biggest problem though is that I cannot truly trust myself now. And by that I mean I seem to want and think different things at different times. This makes calls for strong will imposed order and rigor all more important.

But even that is not obvious. Sometimes I think I should do it. Other times I believe I should just let go and let things develop. Other times I feel I need sense of accomplishment to get me out of this state with the source of that sense open to interpretation.

I'll try the "order" approach tomorrow. And if it feels "right" I'll try it for the whole week. Hopefully this will work, if not then I will reevaluate my approach. And I really, really have to figure out what made the "effortlessness" approach work so well before but fail nowadays.

Day 11 (2)

Losing More Than You've Ever Had

It seems to work. Sure, it takes some work but getting back to the old habits is more natural than I thought it would be. Thus let me complain about something else

And no, Accept's song has little to do with the story. I just needed nice title. If and when I'll go and revisit my high school sweethearts then this song will come to good use though.

So on Sunday I believe I searched through my pdf collection to look for something interesting to read - a big part of the first run regime of mine. And I chose randomly a book I did not recognize but it was familiar to me after reading it a little bit. I'm still not sure if it's the same book I've read 4 or 5 years ago or if it's something like different edition.

What this book contains is set of exercises using the Law of Attraction and self-hypnosis to do some funky stuff. Won't talk much obviously as it's not good place nor time. Needless to say though I don't like this book too much. Exercises are fun but I don't want them to interfere with LTU. Theory behind them is poorly explained but they have some merit in them.

But that LoA stuff... it reminded me of something. While reading I found that sweet feeling of "how nice would it be if...". I'm sure I've posted here about this already but it bears repeating - I've tried LoA stuff before, a couple of years ago, and it work, it just didn't work as I'd hope it would.

Other thing, again often repeated by me - I don't want to be in relationship right now. I don't have time and energy for it, I'd rather focus on myself than risk another heartbreak and spend my energy on another person, neglecting myself. However, and that's huge HOWEVER, I start to think it's more of an excuse than genuine point.

Week ago or so my flatmate made a test on me, kind of found in self-help books (possibly Brian Tracy book? I don't remember). The last question was something like "What is one thing you want the most if you'd be guaranteed you'd get it". My brain focus on the second part and came up with something that I believe right now is impossible for me - healthy and happy relationship. I still remember my thinking process when I did this, it's almost depressing.

Since then I figured out that the relationship is not impossible. Fault is in myself and my mindset. The book I've mentioned - it contains exercises not only to attract others, but also to be more lovable ourselves. And again, it's unlikely I will do these exercises. But the idea is sound. The question remains though - should I do it or keep the lie a little longer and really, truly focus on myself in the meantime? I still swing towards the latter.

Day 13 (0)

Self-iteration

First of all... I feel well. Tired but well. I'm trying my best to get myself into a certain rhythm of life, one where I am more productive and have less time to waste for dumb stuff. And it work, not as well as I'd hope but better than I expected.

By the way I've watched today new Spiderman movie and it was strangely satisfying. I don't like Spiderman as a character at all, "Homecoming" for me was average at best and quite frankly boring. But "Far From Home" resonated with me.

Now that sponsor is happy back to the topic. I can't help but wonder that in my current mindset I'm employing something I'd call "self-iteration". So basically every day is an iteration in my life. And I notice what I do right and what I do wrong, what I should do more and what I can cope without. And every day I try something new to this routine, change it a little, either try if something else will work or I'm forced to test it when something break the routine.

It's funny that this idea came to me myself, I didn't read about it or anything like that. And right now I think it is the way to go for me. Try things out, slowly optimize.

Rolling back habits is also going well. My reading goes well and I'm thinking about reading next BlackDragon's "Alpha Male 2.0", I read it a long time ago and I remember it has great tips about time management. And I need to work on my time management (I fell it's gonna be topic of my next post ). My weight is still stuck but I keep working out with even some mild milestones on my walking routine. Thoughts about joining local gym come and go, I'm still way to anxious to do it though. That leaves only NoFap to work on but again, I'm not even sure IF I want to limit that at this stage.

I mean, seriously, does distraction of porn hurt me more than distraction of relationship would? I'm not sure but I am sure I'm not willing to focus on anyone but myself right now. I'm not even moved by soon-to-be-released new DMSI. Please, once it's out test it for me, I'll maybe jump onto its bandwagon in 3 months or so

Day 20 (0)

I haven't been posting in a while, part because I am busy and part because I feel little bit anxious. I'm doing fine, just not as fine as I'd hope.

Recently I've noticed something very worrisome. For the past half a year I felt like I can't do wrong. Sure, I can and did do mistakes, were ignorant and things like that. But these were either very minor or ended up benefiting me. My intuitions was on the highest alert and was helping me all the damn time.

No though I make a lot of mistakes. And not a minor ones, but ones costing me or these close to me either hour or so of precious time or mild anger and argument. Nothing major, nothing catastrophic. But there are these mistakes.

Where they come from? They come from my intuition. I've learnt to follow it and it starts failing me. Not so long ago I would do things because they felt right. And I was gaining a lot from it. Now I do this, I make choices based on intuition and I have to pay for it.

And again, these are not major things. But what if one day I'll make major mistake based on intuition alone? Let's hope it won't happen. And what if I will stop trusting my gut instinct? That might be even worse.

Day 20 cont.

My perfect day

Sooo... I was supposed to write about time management. So here it comes. I want to describe how my perfect day would look like, a subject bound to change when hit with reality and new ideas. Just as a disclaimer it's something I aim towards and had mixed successes in applying. I also assume nothing will bother me on that day, so no social stuff or other obligations.

So, I wake up at 6 and go to work at 7. I may wake up at 7 and go to work at 8 without hating myself though.

I stay at work until 15, if there is little work then until 13. That gives me somewhere between 5 and 8 hours I spend at workplace. Normally its more than enough, especially given that I will often have to do slow and tedious but requiring little mind work and I'd rather do that at home, multitasking that with reading or YouTube or whatever. However, whatever happens, I HAVE TO spend at least these 5 hours there. If there is little useful I can do I can always work on my side projects or even do some of my own personal reading at work.

I eat a dinner, get some rest and go for a walk. Let's say 1.5 hours of rest and 2 hours of walk. That leaves me free somewhere around 17 or 18. Of course I cannot always go for a walk as it may be raining for example. Then my free time starts as soon as I get back from work. Also, if I cannot go for a walk I'm more likely to stay longer at work.

As I will have to go to sleep at around 23 to get at least 7 hours of sleep this leaves me with about 6 hours of free time. In that time I have to do my exercises, do some reading, follow what's new on YouTube (most of it is educational or news of some sorts), go to supermarket for some supplies and wash myself. OK, so around 3 hours of completely free time. The problem is that free time comes with chunks, not one huge package. Because of that right now I spend this time on things that require little attention, that I can leave and come back to at any time.

It may sounds silly but I'd love to play some video games. As long as you're conscious about this they are a great source of accomplishment, just don't substitute this for real-life accomplishments. And to be able to play it needs to be done at one go, it's hard to play 20 minutes, stop, play 15 minutes, stop again etc. 8-12 hours I spend on work and workout leave me with enough accomplishment as it is, I want this to be my way to relax.

This is something I will work on in the future - optimizing my free time. The better quality that is, the more productive I'll be when it's needed. I don't need more time, in fact recently when I was free at 14 I felt bored and aimless. I have to learn however how to use it better.