Subliminal Talk

Day 47 (9)

My mom came back from the hospital yesterday - a day earlier than I was expecting and a day I thought I needed for myself. Oh well, at least she's all well and good. I'll be returning to the city on Sunday, perhaps I'll manage to get that one day somehow. The problem is that might be hard, being drawn into my old habits.

That being said I wanna start 2 new habits, we'll see how they will work. First one is doing at least 4 hours of work per day and 28 hours per week. This accounts for days off, so I can skip 2 days or 3, but at the end of the week I need to have 28 hours scored. Moreover, this will not account for any breaks (so dinner break or chatter with my colleagues would not be included), but my various smaller projects will be. It's more about doing something useful every day without excuses and less making sure I do my 40 hours of work per week. This will probably change after the summer break though.

Second one might be surprising - 1 hour of video games daily. Why? Many reasons, I find it hard to articulate right now. But my problem is that I sometimes find it hard to actually sit down and relax, always "doing something useful" but having difficulties with concentration and time management. Having some video games time, forcing me to sit 1 hour per day to kill some orcs and conquer the world might help me with that - it might be an interesting experiment. Unlike other forms of entertainment, video games take all your focus away and make it hard to multitask - and I'm multitasking too much right now.

Day 49 (11)

Due to my mom's poor timing and decisions I'll have to stay at home until Monday. It's fine, I owe her that much and she knows not to ask too much of me - in fact she annoys me sometimes with how much she doesn't want to be a burden for me. She's my mother, to whom is she supposed to be a burden for?

Still, I almost count hours until I'm back in the city. It's sad how I'm more at home in my rented flat that in the house where I was raised but that's how things are sometimes.

I've achieved my lowest-tied NoFap achievement with the 10 days long streak (11 here means I'm on the 11th day now). Next one will be 15 as that will mean the longest streak yet. Then... long trek to the arbitrary 30 days. My problem with NoFap is that one minute of weakness and doubt in the hustle being worth it means all the progress is gone. And it's easy to go for yet another day when there days are few. Having weeks instead of days with possibly a prospect of "never doing it again" is much harder. Still, I have no problem not buying myself a beer as I simply don't want a beer. While 99% of the time NoFap is similarly easy I'd wish it was so the 1% of the time - the 1% that messes the whole project up. And when I'm at the 15 days it will get much harder than it is now.

Still, to think 3 days used to be an achievement for me way back when and 7 days seeming impossible... Yeah, I may not getting to the 30 days mark, but I'm breaking the habit nonetheless.

I'm thinking about writing about the significance of the 30 days and on what I feel changed that makes NoFap easier now, but I feel like some people might not be comfortable with reading about it. We'll see.

Day 51/52 (2/3)

I'm back in the city. I had to pretty much run away from my mom's as she was trying to make me stay there longer and I'm not up to that right now.

The NoFap streak didn't work and it's an interesting story. I pretty much woke up in the middle of the night shaking as if temperate in my room was at the water's freezing point. I don't know if I had erotic dream but I couldn't sleep and I was physically shaking, so I felt I needed to go the easy route. Afterwards I was too awake to go back to bed and shaking stopped and my mind was strangely clear. Anyhow, back on route for another streak.

I'm anything but easily dissuaded.

Still, down there somewhere I feel off. As if something was wrong with what I'm doing, the direction I'm heading. I hope the feeling of purpose I'll get once I get back to work will help me with this, staying at my mom's made me feel quite useless and now I don't even know where to start. That stupid feeling when there is so much to do you don't know where to start.

Day 52 (3)

I've just had possibly the weirdest dream of my life. Let me explain.

I have dreams quite a lot - at least I remember dreams quite a lot. And I not only remember what happened in them, but also their feel and characteristics. For example I had dreams where I saw pretty much nothing and that was happening was because I "felt it". OK, so imagine you sit in your room and you close your eyes - you no longer see your room as there is only black, but you can create kind of map of this room and this is what I mean by feeling it. There was no sight (even if there were sounds for example), but I knew what is what and where.

OK, back to today's dream. The entire dream, lasting maybe 2 minutes of so, was me sitting on a couch or sofa with my old sweetheart. I mention her every now and then, needless to say I was in love with her 8 years ago or so and she rejected me - I took it bad and it still bothers me. OK, so we were talking and... that's it. I don't remember what we were talking about. I remember she was smiling and generally happy to be there with me. There was nothing erotic or romantic, simply two friends chatting.

There were two things weird. First one in the detail in this dream. Often times in dreams I have to "feel" that someone is someone as the details are simply not there. Here she looked exactly like in real life, down to single hair and pores of her skin. I don't ever remember dream that was so... mundane. Realistic. Nothing out of ordinary happened there, nothing that would not happen in real life. And detail was so good it shocks me to this moment.

The second thing is that she was willing to talk to me. OK, so like I said she rejected me and so for 7 years when she'd appear in my dreams it would be as either someone hostile to me or not noticing me at all. In April I believe, after my first Tinder date and the fallout thereof, I had two dreams with her, in both of them she was friendly but not that interested in interaction with me. Now, after a second tinder date and fallout thereof (I wrote yesterday to that girl to explain some things and give both of us some closure) I have a dream where she treats me like her friends and directly interacts with me.

I believe I don't have to stress that this is something I very much want and almost dream of. You know, if I had a magic lamp and 3 wishes that might be one of them. Not to be with her, but for her to be back in my life and maybe see if this would work out. From what I know she's either single or not showing off with her romantic life. I get this feeling that this weird "when you got to 30 day long streak in NoFap good things will start to happen" shtick is about exactly this. At least it's a nice idea that gives me some motivation.

It's all so weird :/

Day 52/53 (3/4)

Weirder still, I started to feel... euphoric. Light-headed and happy. As if I was drunk or under morphine-like drugs, but taking none of it.

I had often similar states under some versions of DMSI, but never under LTU. Interesting.

Day 60 (2)

Wow, I've been missing for a couple of days and apparently there are preorders for LTU 6 now. I guess it means I end this run a little bit prematurely.

Last couple of days had been not exactly nice for me. Felt quite sick and more mentally than physically - thus the absence.

I'll be creating new journal for the LTU 6. I don't know when I'll start the new run as I guess having some pause before the new version would be recommended. Stay tuned I guess.

OK, I went ahead and preordered the entire set. Am I supposed to see anything already or only after the release in a couple of days?

Stage one should be out pretty soon, all there is right now is some placeholder text files that i'll change to the actual files when it's released.

(07-30-2020, 12:30 AM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Stage one should be out pretty soon, all there is right now is some placeholder text files that i'll change to the actual files when it's released.

Yeah, I can see them, everything seems to be fine. Thanks