Subliminal Talk

Day 56 (2)

Today I want to share with you 3 or so posts I wanted to write in a long time but didn't have time or motivation to write them. Today however I have lots of time and lots of motivation as I had to face some of those issues in recent days. That being said, let's go!

NO-NUT NOVEMBER

Yeah, NoFap... again. For those of you who don't follow I completely stopped carrying about NoFap in past weeks. That was a conscious choice as I wanted to focus on other stuff and adding one more on top of that would be a hassle. Moreover I really didn't want to face any issues connected to... you know, romance and stuff. I wanted to get myself rid of desire so I can focus 100% on myself.

In this sense it worked. In other sense that was a mistake, and huge one. Masturbation has this thing about itself that it clouds your judgement and makes you live in a fantasy. I cannot allow myself to do that anymore.

What I want, starting this November, is to go ahead even further with this whole "know yourself" idea. How much can I say that I have learned about myself if all of that was cloudy and foggy? How can I say what I want from relationship when fulfilling my stupid fantasies in spare time?

So... I'm going all in this time. Unlike other times, I'm not doing this for somebody and even not for myself. I do it because I have no other choice. Because this is the next step and if I don't take it I'll be stuck where I am right now.

I am against the wall and I can either comfortably lie by it or fight for my life. And that is not really a choice.

Will it be easy? No, hell no! I will take a lot of strong will, meditation and, above all else, making myself occupied 24/7 so that if urge comes, it has no hope of winning. With time, when I have things figured out, I hope I'll be able to align myself with this goal and it will become trivial. Until them though... I'd say I have to be strong, but the truth is I HAVE TO be strong.

Home, bitter home

This one is tough to write, oh boy is it hard. I fell like a total douche even thinking about this, but it needs to be said.

I really hate coming to my home right now.

I really should be coming more often. My mom is all alone since my dad died and she needs company, she needs entertainment and conversation. And I'm trying to be here for her.

However I fell so strange in this place. First of all it became so mournful. My mother really has problems with moving on, when won't watch TV or go out. She just sits at home at keeps herself busy with useless tasks. There is little motivation in her to do more than bare minimum. When I come she's happy because she has to do more - she does fancier dinners, keeps things tidier etc. I don't think she's depressed, at least not yet. I think she's just having difficulties to go back to the "normal" life as normal for her was with my father, through the thickest and thinnest.

Secondly I cannot really make myself at home here. After my dad's death we decided with mom to do a total make-over of the flat - long overdue and postponed because of my dad's failing health. However now that it's done I find it hard to accommodate. All furniture is the same, the only things that are changed are floor and lack of my 2009 PC which I decided to throw away. Even still, this feels kind of off. It is my bad, same bad I had a year ago, but still it is not my bed. My bed is back in the city.

It's funny how a couple of years ago I'd feel estranged in the city and whenever I could I would come back to my parents'. Now I feel like in the city is my home and here, it's just... a building.

I just don't know what to do when I'm here. What to focus on, cannot get into the flow. All my musings I share here, there work only in the city. At my mom's I just exist, little more and little less. I let time go bay and wait until I catch a ride back to the city.

I shouldn't feel this way. I should come here as often as possible, I should be with my mother. But my mother grew sad and I cannot find my place in here.

Brave post.

Day 58 (4)

Back in the city. I was supposed to write more posts in the meantime, but

• One post ended up weighing way too much on religion so I deemed it not compatible with forum's rules.
  
• One post requires some numerical analysis, percentages etc. which is fine, but I'm too lazy to compile data right now. Short of it is - for the first time in a long time I managed to spend less than I earn! (during a typical month that is, yearly I've been in green since I've come to my own)
  
• One post (about my past loves) is way too hard to write right now, I'll have to write it in essay-like style offline and then post it piecemeal on the forums. I will be hard but I think I'll need this exercise.
  

As for other stuff NoFap is going kind of well...? I knew it will be hard, but not that hard. And its not about urges. It's about emotions. I'm irritated easily, my stoic demeanor is right now thrown into trash. I lack motivation to do much more than bare minimum and overall I fell like I'm sick.

Still, I intend on braving through this. I worry a bit what will happen around day 7 when urges will kick strong, but that's for the future.

Day 62 (0)

NoFap counter fell to zero, more on that tomorrow or on Friday. A lot of weird, interesting (both good and bad) stuff is happening and I need to figure them out before proceeding.

Money, money, money

Though I finally bothered myself to make this expenses summary I promised way back when. So today I'll share that with you. Two words of before we start though.

First of all how I earn money. I have monthly salary, which puts me slightly below mean salary and spot on on the median salary. In addition, twice a year I get additional "bonus", worth around 4-5 monthly salaries. So this bonus effectively doubles my salary and allows me to lead a extremely comfortable, lower middle class standard of living, which is easy when you are in your 20s and you have no wife, no children, no car and no loans.

That being said I don't want to depend on the bonus for my livelihood. I'd like my normal salary to be enough and to use bonus to buy myself some "presents" like new electronics or trips as well as invest it somewhere for the future ahead. There will be time when I will have wife, children, car and loans...

Second thing is I consider counting my money huge and important part of my self-improvement. Not for money, like I said I have more than enough. The point is to be conscious where I spend my money. It can often showcase both good and bad trends. I don't really intend to spend less money, where money itself is concerned I don't want to go over the limit, sure, but more important is to spend money better.

So, the highlights of the summary:

• 1.6% remained in my pocket. I think 5% would be better goal, but anything between 0 and 5 I am fine with.
  
• Half goes to monthly expenses - 42.4% goes to rent, water, electricity, internet, those sorts of things. This will not go down unless I will move, which I have no intention of doing. 5.6% goes to "services", things I subscribe to like Spotify, Patreon etc. This in theory can go down, but as of now I have no intention of cutting it.
  
• 5.8% goes to beverages. I can cut it by drinking tap water but... Well, come on!
  
• I spend more money on foods designated as "good" then those "bad". That's great news, I really did not expect that.
  
• 11.8% goes to cigarettes. That's a lot, sure, but not that much. Consider this - in my darkest hour I'd spend 20% on cigarettes. Furthermore, if I were to keep to my goals I'd be spending right now maybe 8%, the overflow comes from more stressful days where I almost chain smoke. I'm thinking mainly about visits at my mom's right now. Going down to 8% even counting stressful days with this would be a good idea with eventual 0% somewhere down the line.
  
• Only 2.2% went to alcohol, I'm extremely proud of this one. On one hand it represents my almost non-existent social life right now, on the other the fact that rarely do I buy myself alcohol for my own. Pretty proud of this one, although time will come when I'll have to stop being such a recluse.
  
• I spend only 1.4% on transport. Goes to show how much I don't need a car.
  

I'll prepare for myself a small list of improvements I can make on this. These will be nothing major, mainly things that go along my self-improvement and I can easily visualized now that I have developed a handy tool for it.

If I manage to save some money there is plenty of ways to spend it. Even better quality food, cosmetics, diet supplements, long overdue change of wardrobe... There never enough money, right?

Day 71 (0)

Sleepwalker

Did I mention I have Autumn? That I despise short days and cold weather? Well, I do, I do, I do.

At this very moment I am in the middle of Autumn and at the apex of my autumn-time depression. My will to do anything is weak and if not for all the habits I've developed in the past I might have been a wreck right now.

The thing is... I have nobody to blame this time. For the past 3 autumns I've either was starting or was ending an relationship, 4 autumns ago I could focus 100% on what I wanted to and before... well, wait for my love story memoir that will never see the light of day. Needless to say it's the first time since high school when I don't have emotional problems due to others to blame my abysmal feelings right now.

That made me thinking about how I'd survive this time way back when. And I remembered how I'd just "brave it though" or rather "wait it out". Week by week, day by day, wait for the March, wait for longer days and start of the flora to blossom. And, although this time I did not plan this, I do exactly this right now. For the past 2 weeks it feels like I've been a sleepwalker. Wake up, work, all that jazz, rinse and repeat. Days just go buy, all as gray and monotone as the last.

It doesn't make me exactly unhappy. I can live with it, I can wait it out. It just feels like I'm wasting my time, you know? I have all the time in the world and energy for nothing. I should be continuing my research, I should be self-improving. But the very thought dreads me right now.

I find solace in 3 things right now. My work (which somehow manages to keep me honest, waking up early and keeping with my obligations), my long walks and philosophy podcasts. Sometimes stoicism is the only thing man can have.

Day 75 (0)

Have you ever had this kind of day when you seem to hit rock bottom and all you can do is jump right back up?

That was today for yours truly.

It's funny really. I'm not miserable. Actually I'd say I'm quite happy. I have realized that this state I had today was my base line a couple of years ago. It's just that now it's such a low in comparison.

I feel like my body simply cannot produce dopamine. During today's 10k+ walk I saw a beautiful sight. I could objectively tell it was beautiful. I was walking down the river bank and strong breeze was carrying leaves from the alleyway above towards the river. It was pretty much leaf rain. Normally I would marvel at the sight. Normally I would tell you how in awe I was. However today when I saw it I felt despair. Just sheer, uncontrolled despair.

Again, I'm not unhappy. Somehow I'm in despair, unable to cherish small, beautiful things, but I'm not miserable.

Why is that? I don't know. Maybe I'm exhausted, I push myself too hard. Maybe it's the fault of stoic mindset I'm trying to develop. I find myself not being moved by negative things in life but anger stays, I just don't allow myself to express it - I kill it inside myself. But it stays and sours, turning into despair.

In stoicism there is a difference between apathy and apatheia. I think I'm more in the second direction but there is no fine line between these two. Apatheia is desirable, apathy is not as I view it as corrupted, misguided apatheia. Still, maybe the quantum of apathy I have developed down the line somehow poisons me.

I saw my friend some time ago and he pointed out a great thing. He says he's happy because he is not moved by others' actions and he is able to cherish small things. Now, it's easy for him to say. He's on medication and he has no commitments to speak of. But it's true, I have turned into this sad, tired adult and perhaps if I am to find solution for my despair I'll have to find the child in me. Gullible, naive, happy child in me.

If not for the fact I have only 2 weeks left on LTU I'd probably think of quitting. I feel like I'd use a reboot of sorts, stay back alone with myself and start fresh come new year. We'll see how it goes of course.

Stoicism sounds like an effort to deny that you have emotions, and your depression sounds like your emotions getting upset about that.

Day 78 (1)

(11-22-2019, 03:18 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Stoicism sounds like an effort to deny that you have emotions, and your depression sounds like your emotions getting upset about that.

Not quite. Stoicism for me is an effort to recognize what you can change and what you cannot, and thus acting on the former and simply accepting the latter. It's good philosophy that works 90% of the time. Sometime though it's cathartic to rage against something you have no control over. But again, it's all about the difference between apathy and apatheia. Apatheia is the goal, something to strife towards. Apathy is death while you still breath. Nevertheless, something is wrong and I fell like only after I end current run I'll figure out how to deal with it.

Home, sweet home

Anyhow, this weekend I came to visit my mother. I've said before that I hate coming here. Somehow this time it's not the case. 3 reasons I can see.

1) This time my visit is shorter. It's easier to accept the stay when discomfort and anxiety doesn't build up.
2) I've started reclaiming my place in the house. Small things but slowly my room starts to feel like someplace I actually belong.
3) Due to the emotional weight on me I've found it refreshing to change the scenery and get a sort of reboot.

Second point I think is the biggest one. I need to make this place my own, clutter it again with my useless stuff, throw all the just I don't need, getting used to it. And I think I should do this before Christmas, not during but by then it should become my home.

Also my mother seems more... sane? Rational. I still often question her decisions and motives (more often than not directly to her) but it's somehow less noticeable than before. I still dread Christmas this year, first Christmas without my father. It's gonna be solemn and somehow empty but I know I'll have to be there for my mother. At least as much as she'll need to be there for me.

Day 80 (0)

I think I have figured out what was wrong with me. I didn't have enough sleep.

"Wow, Mystic, it took you so long to figure out? Are you stupid?" Well, actually maybe yes. But hear me out.

Ever since I started really focusing on my work around September that effort bore great fruit. I'm more productive but also motivated than ever. I have managed to develop habit of waking up early and working properly as not to leave any work for my spare time at home. But sleep I've lost in the morning I did not really gained in the evening. I do go to bed earlier, but not early enough, leaving me with around 6 hours of bed time.

Add to that 2 hours not evening nap and you get 8 hours, jackpot! Well, not exactly. And this is what took me so long to figure out.

First of all nap is much worse quality sleep than good night sleep. And second I do not get 6 hours of sleep at night, taking into account that more often than not do some meditation or contemplation before sleep I'd guess I get 5 hours or so, again something I didn't count. That overall leaves me at about equivalent of 6 hours of sleep, way too little.

The solution is simple - go to bed earlier. My problem was after a nap I'm not that sleepy, so it's hard to fall asleep. Therefore first order of business is to get rid of evening nap. No matter how tired after work and dinner I am, I must brave through it and save that sleepiness for actual night. Then I can get 8 hours of sleep and be happier, stronger and all that jazz.

Day 84 (1)

I must admit, my theory was somewhat right. It wasn't enough to make me bloom, but there is noticeable improvement.

Interestingly enough where I have found solace is in learning. I must be one of few people in the world that procrastinate by reading textbooks. I don't know, it's just that I feel like I'm actually worth something when I have these "Aha, I get this!" moments.

On the darker side though I think it shows a certain kind of... powerlessness on my side? Why do I get this boost from reading things instead of action?

As for my emotions, I am angry and bitter but most of all simply tired. You know, as in "sick and tired" only I'm not sick I don't know, I feel fine enough with that I'm doing right now. I'd go as far as to say that I'm happy. But this way of living, monotone and reclusive, can't continue for much longer. I tell myself it's only for these cold months but realistically I think it just won't go away and I'll have to move my arse and do something. Just... not yet, OK?

Nonetheless, it's not all bloom and gloom. I managed to save up quite a lot of money this month (which I will spend on presents for my mom and friends) and I lost a little bit of weight. In fact through September and October I was at the second-to-last hole in my belt - now I'm on my last and I start to notice some leeway, I might have to buy new belt soon enough.

The End (1)

And thus my second run of LTU 5 has come to and end... I think it's time for a summary.

From my posts one might think this wasn't too successful of a run and they might be right, however it wasn't terrible. There has been better and worse days, however overall it was leading somewhere. My number one goal was achieved - I finally managed to get good work ethic, stopped working from home and developed habit of waking up early to be able to work where I should work. This decoupling made it so I finally could come back home and relax without worry. And given that I was able to do this with taking more projects on my shoulders than I should have was astonishing for me.

This had inverse effects of course. My sleep schedule was often hectic and leaving me with handful of hours of sleep per day, leading to exhaustion - the main cause of my anxiety and faul mood. When I got this into more order my mood improved almost immediately. I have less time for other interests, but I think it's obvious coming back from summer vacation season. Lots of my habits went to crap but that was sacrifice I was willing to take in order to keep going.

Other good news - I was able to keep my weight, a great issue for me as I was worried about yo-yo effect. Come spring I will want to burn the rest of my fat but that will need to wait for that time. My confidence is high and has been high since at least April - I never worry about my confidence or self-esteem nowadays. I never second-guess myself and approach challenges head-on. Well, maybe except for my love life...

This is an issue I was trying to deal with this entire run and I just couldn't. Last run I was pretending it didn't exist, now I tried to understand it and quite frankly I have failed. A radical change of framework is needed for this one and, who knows, maybe in a month or 2 I'll start to date again. Not because I think I'm ready yet, but because I think I did all I could from comfortable armchair perspective.

Sooo.... what's next? I want to have a month off, to look at things from a new perspective, set out new goals. One thing wrong with this sub idea is that... I feel like I'm expected to get results. For December I have no obligations, I can just do what I want if that makes sense. I don't feel obliged to self-improve. I will keep posting from time to time, I intend to write about my next run in the same journal.

I don't know what I want to run next. @Shannon and whoever else is willing to contribute - here's the question. Would it be better for me to run third LTU run or give newest DMSI version a shot? Or maybe some other sub, I'm not exactly following what hot right now. I'm looking for something that will keep challenging me and letting me cleanse myself of my anxieties and pushing me to experience more and new things. LTU is nice but third full run...? I'm afraid of diminishing returns. DMSI is also nice but how much will I get from it if I decide it's not time to enter the dating scene just yet?

Thanks everyone on this forum, I don't contribute much nowadays but I lurk from time to time and I love you guys and girls. I appreciate every comment and suggestion. And thank you for giving me the forum where I can share my oftentimes bizarre and convoluted realizations. Take care out there and whatever I choose see you in January with the next run.

Mystic

Break (2)

It seems like I'm being pushed towards DMSI. A couple of days back (soon after the end of LTU run) I've had a dream where my friend was kissing me for a good half a minute in front of her fiance. I made me feel very awkward.

But what's more interesting is today's dream. I dreamed about my flatmate, she would start caressing me and at first I was reluctant and wanted her to go away. But then she grabbed me by my... stuff and found something hard in there, saying "You seem to enjoy it after all". An so I decided to go with it and making out with her.

Funny how in these dreams I seem so passive. It well reflects my current apathy towards sex and relationships while at the same time pointing out I can and I have options. It's just a case of going with it. Still it's time and energy investment, an investment that twice now proved worthless. When it rains it pours and I don't fance getting soaked again.

But again, some day I'll have to, right? Maybe better sooner than later?

BTW UMS looks nice, but if I were to choose I'd go with DMSI out of these two anyway. It's still DMSI vs LTU debate for me.

OK, so apparently Shannon is going to work on new LTU version, which means... well, I have no idea. I'd love to wait and run the new version but that may take helluva long time and I intend on starting the new run January 1st. We'll see, there are 3 weeks to go and if @Shannon will be able to tell more about if and when new LTU version will be out, then I'll make my decision.

Damn, byt that time I may decide to run good old Alpha Male for all I know.

I'm liking DMSI root less and less. It's just that I see no point in running a sub and not striving towards its main goal. I think I will start dating in spring anyways, it's just that I don't want it to be my focus.

As per UMS... Funny story, yesterday at work I had this thought of "Damn, I want out of here". It's stupid and silly but let's take it into context. I love my work but now I'm using it as my anchor, which is less than perfect. My happiness and well-being in general depends on what's going on in the workplace right now. I do well and I feel fine - I do poorly and I get anxious. Furthermore, now my financial situation is great and all, but it may not always be like that. The worst case scenario (but not that unlikely) is that I'm pretty certain to keep the job but I will lose a lot of money and I will have just enough to get by. If this happens I may be better off searching for luck elsewhere. Anyway, I don't need to worry for the next year and a half, so I guess I'll try UMS then. I still have time, and lots of it.