Subliminal Talk

My Tinder experiment has been fun so far. I've had a couple of matches and I've had some nice conversations with girls. It's funny how easy it is to connect when you don't have any "agenda". You just wanna talk, you don't try to sweet talk or impress to get a date. Where'd you go even if you did. So it's a nice experience, we'll see if I'll keep some of those relationships for longer than a day

To be perfectly honest this situation showcases some of my insecurities, especially in moments when I worry cause she's not responding or something like that. I can quickly get rid of them but the interesting part is analyzing them, why they seem to appear in the first place.

Where do I even begin? I think there are 3 topics I need to talk about.

1) These pauses between sub runs are actually kinda cool. They give you time to think and reconsider, to get some distance. To recognize what goals you wanna achieve next instead of keep on keeping on with the old ones. What does it mean to me? I'm not sure yet. I think I really need to look through the subs library to see what I could do in May. next run of LTU seems like the best idea, but what goals would be at the forefront I'm not sure yet. I have too many ideas and not enough energy for them all.

2) I'm at my mother's right now. I love it and I hate it at the same time. I love it as it's an opportunity to change my perspective on things, to get a break from my habits. I hate it cause I feel like I'm wasting time and I feel like I'm suffocating in too little of a room for me. I wanna be there for my mother but I'm useless while in here, without any of my habits. I wanna get back to the city ASAP. So probably in Tuesday.

3) I met this girl on Tinder. If I'm reading signs well she's helluva into me, but she's extrovert and I've been proven wrong in the past. At any rate I don't wanna get serious with her. She's very nice and I enjoy talking with her. What I don't enjoy is that she is... complicated. Probably depressed, possibly bipolar, most certainly extremely emotional. I've seen already what my Messiah Complex does with me around girls like that and unless I fall for her for some reason I will not be pursuing her. In a perfect world I'd be able to keep her as my friend. We'll see where it will go in the next weeks.

May is almost upon us, so it's time to make some choices.

I'll be running LTU AGAIN through May, June and July. Goals? Three and I think already mentioned here at some point:

• Weight loss, I gotta finish what I've started. My weight stagnated during April, for three main reasons: my motivation lessened, my scheduling went to crap as I've wasted a lot of time I'd spend productively otherwise and my walking habits were cut short. Starting in May all those problems should disappear as I'll be able to go to work and start my normal day routine.
  
• Work, work, work. Due to that scheduling fiasco I've been way less productive than normally. It has a lot to do with the nature of my work - when you're not being chased by deadlines and you're income is pretty much guaranteed it's hard to force oneself to work when you don't need to - and I didn't NEED to. I should have and what I had to do I did, but it's still like 25% or so of what I could have done. I'll recover from this simply because summer break will be mostly non-existent but still, starting in May my goal is to get back to the old productive me.
  
• Relationships... I've been talking with that girl the while time and maybe I'd be a good idea to pursue her. She's very nice, with a good heart, pretty (albeit with some weight issues) and very open. She is already sending me some nice pictures so I don't forget about her and we are talking a lot, also about difficult topics. But what is the best part for me is that she's very open sexually so she might be an opportunity for me to develop my own sexuality with someone conscious about it, something I severely lacked in my previous relationships. We'll see, she's not perfect and as we both seem to have bad experiences in the past we've promised ourselves some time and honesty, not to mention we didn't meet yet due to lock down.
  

Sorry for not posting, I've been... busy? Well, not really, but I didn't manage to find time or motivation to come and post here.

So, what I've been up to was that I was running LTU for almost 2 weeks, entire May so far. And I decided that I will stop this run in it's infancy. Why? I don't know, I don't feel it. LTU was always fun for me, but for these 2 weeks it felt like a burden. What I want right now is either wait for whatever Shannon comes up with next or I'll go with DMSI for some time. I somehow feel optimistic about DMSI now so maybe I'll go with it.

At any rate I'll start new run in June at the earliest, for now I want to clear my mind, focus on some issues that have been clouding my mind since April and figure out what I really, truly want to accomplish this year.

Oh boy, I haven't written in a loooong time. :/

Small round-up: I've been running LTU January-March with great success, then a month off amidst coronavirus outbreak, then I started LTU yet again but I opted out, it just didn't feel good for me.

These last two months were not kind to me. I hope to talk about it more in the coming days as my will be to post daily on this forum. Even if I'll post simply "go **** yourselves guys" or "Yeah, I'm still alive!", I still wanna come and post here.

So, what I'm gonna be doing? Well, LTU I guess, another shot at 3 months run. June-July-August. I was thinking about DMSI but nah, there is no point to do it now.

What are my goals? Stop being so damn lazy! I don't wanna say that I'm a wreck right now but... Well, I'm not in a good place to be sure. I wanna sort my life up I guess now that things seem to go back to normla. Again, more on that in the coming days.

So, second shot on my 4th run of LTU coming tomorrow, wish me luck

(05-31-2020, 09:21 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Oh boy, I haven't written in a loooong time. :/

Small round-up: I've been running LTU January-March with great success, then a month off amidst coronavirus outbreak, then I started LTU yet again but I opted out, it just didn't feel good for me.

These last two months were not kind to me. I hope to talk about it more in the coming days as my will be to post daily on this forum. Even if I'll post simply "go **** yourselves guys" or "Yeah, I'm still alive!", I still wanna come and post here.

So, what I'm gonna be doing? Well, LTU I guess, another shot at 3 months run. June-July-August. I was thinking about DMSI but nah, there is no point to do it now.

What are my goals? Stop being so damn lazy! I don't wanna say that I'm a wreck right now but... Well, I'm not in a good place to be sure. I wanna sort my life up I guess now that things seem to go back to normla. Again, more on that in the coming days.

So, second shot on my 4th run of LTU coming tomorrow, wish me luck

The fourth the best 

Day 2

Oh yeah, fourth one a charm or something

I was supposed to post daily, upssss... Well, I have very good excuse. First day of a month is my hardcore training day, when I have to beat all my previous training records. I succeeded, but once I was finished I fall asleep immediately.

My posting goal supposes that I actually talk about something something, so let's talk Napoleon. I talked often about how I like listening to podcasts during my walks and that didn't change. If anything it grew out of proportion, I didn't listen to music on my walks for a long, long time. A good thing perhaps.

Anyhow I listen to this podcast about Napoleon now and omg, I cannot help but wonder I'm pretty much like him. Intelligent, introverted, awkward, bookworm always hungry for more knowledge, proud... Yeah, that sounds like me. The major thing that differentiates us is his work ethic - like all successful people he was very diligent while I... well, I'm not so much. Especially now, during this whole social distancing thing. I like to think that me finding this podcast is kind of way the Universe tells me to get my crap together as I have great potential and I have to learn how to use it.

Second topic is my weight loss. Since April my weight stagnated I exercise a lot but I started eating like shit and this has to go. If I am to loose the remaining 8kg or so I have to become very conscious of what I'm eating. The truth is I got lazy and full of excuses in April and May, so if I get my crap together I know I can get to my weight goal. This is all the more significant in a larger picture as I use weight for an excuse not to try in other areas - I could do XYZ but I need to focus on weight loss after all. Well, the sooner I'm out of this excuse the better for me, looks and health none withstanding.

Day 3

Women in masks are beautiful, did you know that? Well... ok, never mind.

I continued listening to that podcast on Napoleon and topic of his pathetic romantic conquests came to spotlight. Well, this didn't spark much optimism in me.

I remember last time I've tried LTU I was talking something about relationships. And... I don't want it. I was thinking about running DMSI this June but no, I just couldn't bear myself to do it. I feel sick and tired of women.

I long for relationship, I was to be with someone, to create something more than just the sum of your parts but I don't think I can force myself into any kind of relationship at this moment. I've given myself one too many times and, let's be honest, there ain't no angel waiting to fall down from the sky and coming to me, proving that there is nothing I need to fear. If I am to build something I long for I'll have to be a man who could do that - and at this point I just can't.

My stomach starts aching from the very thought

Day 4

I feel tired with people. Or rather their bullcrap. When I walk down the street and see people not giving a thought about hygiene and simple rules I start wishing for all of them to catch that damn virus.

Does it make me a bad person? Probably. Do I adhere perfectly to the regulations? No. But I'm not stupid.

An example. Old lady walks down the street towards me. I walk by the side, half a feet to the left and I'd hit a building. The lady is to my right and has the entire sidewalk for herself. What does she do? But of course, she goes by me so close our elbows nearly touched. If I were carrier (and I might well be) I'd be dead in two weeks. She had like 3-4 meters of sidewalk and decided not only to walk in the middle and as close to me as possible.

I could give you more examples, more of what I've noticed than what I've experienced. I know people want to live their lives normally and so do I. But damn, people, use your brain.

My aunt a couple of days back was talking how all of these measures are pointless and stupid and started talking about tin foil hat conspiracy theories. I wanted to shout back at her how she'd be satisfied only when in every family someone would get sick and everybody knew someone who died, but my mom was there and I kept myself calm for respect to her alone.

And I start to wonder if it wouldn't give humanity something akin to wake up call if indeed everybody knew someone who caught that virus and died. Maybe people would start being humble and using their brains.

In the end I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm just tired with people and their mindlessness.

(06-04-2020, 01:12 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 4

I feel tired with people. Or rather their bullcrap. When I walk down the street and see people not giving a thought about hygiene and simple rules I start wishing for all of them to catch that damn virus.

Does it make me a bad person? Probably. Do I adhere perfectly to the regulations? No. But I'm not stupid.

An example. Old lady walks down the street towards me. I walk by the side, half a feet to the left and I'd hit a building. The lady is to my right and has the entire sidewalk for herself. What does she do? But of course, she goes by me so close our elbows nearly touched. If I were carrier (and I might well be) I'd be dead in two weeks. She had like 3-4 meters of sidewalk and decided not only to walk in the middle and as close to me as possible.

I could give you more examples, more of what I've noticed than what I've experienced. I know people want to live their lives normally and so do I. But damn, people, use your brain.

My aunt a couple of days back was talking how all of these measures are pointless and stupid and started talking about tin foil hat conspiracy theories. I wanted to shout back at her how she'd be satisfied only when in every family someone would get sick and everybody knew someone who died, but my mom was there and I kept myself calm for respect to her alone.

And I start to wonder if it wouldn't give humanity something akin to wake up call if indeed everybody knew someone who caught that virus and died. Maybe people would start being humble and using their brains.

In the end I don't think I'm a bad person. I'm just tired with people and their mindlessness.

Everyone has their limits and I can relate. I’ve grown tired of people’s foolishness myself

Day 8

I know I was supposed to post daily but I'm constantly forgetting about it. On Friday I was out with my friend so I have excuse, but this weekend I have none. Worst of all I had these thoughts of "I need to post" and forgetting about it 2 seconds later. Oh well.

Past few days were... weird. Magical almost. Hear me out on that one. I've seen the most beautiful rainbow in my life. I've found huge and healthy four leaf clover without even trying during my walk. These two things are weird enough. But then I have found on Tinder this girl.

She didn't swep me yet and perhaps she never will, but it's so strange how you are on Tinder for something like 2 months, even went for a date, and only now you find a girl that really picks your interest. And that based only on some pics and short description. I've experienced something like that before and nothing came of it, but now, maybe?

On one hand it's a feeling as if the Universe was splitting and in one version I get to come to contact with her (and either going somewhere with it or screwing it up) and in another I don't and I have no idea in which Universe I am right now. On the other hand I feel pathetic, like almost obsessing on a girl I've never even met based on so little. I don't think someone sound would behave like this.

At any rate I'm curious where this will go and if the magic continues. I want this to happen, I'd love to see the challenge of dating someone who impressed me as opposed to dating for dating sake. Last time I was in similar situation it worked - I got what I wanted as long as fear did not kick in and I started to try too hard - being needy. Now I want it too, I want to try, I do want that.

Day 9

I have found yet another clover on my walk. That makes like third symbol of luck for me but no luck when it comes to life. Oh well.

I don't even know if I believe in luck. I like the idea of making your own luck more. Or a sense that what one think is luck is in reality your Will springing things into actions, a little bit like Shannon explains it in his sub descriptions. Still, how can I make this kind of luck work when what I think I want is not happening and I'm not even certain what I want.

Two examples. One - weight loss. It's so frustrating that I cannot seem to lose more weight :/ I'm doing what I was doing in the winter and it just doesn't work anymore. Like I've gotten to a comfortable BMI 25 level and I won't get any lower, making me stuck with a little bit of fat.

Second - money. I was talking with my mom recently how I have more than enough money to feel safe and comfortable. I don't need to worry about my situation, a can afford pretty much anything I want to buy. I don't NEED more money so I don't try to make more money. I could make do with much less than I have right now. I think I'm scared that having more would make me... I don't know, different. There is this stigma around rich people and I think I don't wanna become like them, even though this is most likely a false picture.

Anyhow, I sure do hope that luck, now overcharged with 2 four leaf clovers, will come

Day 10

It's been a good day. Still I find myself frustrated and angry a lot, not in a aggressive way, more a disappointed way. I'm not sure how to explain that. I hope it is sign of dealing with some crap deep down.

I feel kinda blocked, like I got what I could and now I'm walking in place despite making as much effort as before. So I can either give up, continue or try harder. Somehow I opt to continue now and hope for the better days to come back.

Day 11

Another good day.

I'm doing an experiment right now, probably a dumb one but oh well. My sleep schedule was out of whack since this whole pandemic started and I had to switch to remote work, so I decided to try to take it to it's ultimate conclusion. I no longer try to go to sleep at night and wake up early, I simple stay awake as long as I like and go to sleep whenever I like. This might be dumb but I feel much better, I'm much more productive and I feel like I need less sleep while still being full of energy.

My biggest problem was not being unable to fall asleep but rather being unable to wake up. Getting up from the bed was a torture for me these past weeks. Now? Now whenever my organism feels like I've had enough sleep I simply wake up, get up and get to do something. I have much more energy now with 7 hours of sleep than I had before with 10.

This experiment will probably not work well on the long run but damn, it works great right now!