Subliminal Talk

Day 70 (1)

Optimism intertwines with anxiety. Energy with tiredness. Weather is quite awful and I've had quite a useless day. Nevertheless there is still sense of purpose and optimism with me. It's just one of those days I'd rather sleep through and wake up in the better tomorrow.

Lots to talk about but today I wanna talk about money. At the beginning of each month I sum up all my money to see if I saved up or lost money in the end. Not getting into details I went over my monthly due by about 50$. This is fine but still I think I'll do some austerity measures. Nothing major, the idea is that I want to save up money every month. Also remember that as I run LTU I'm supposed to be winning lotteries an such and the tickets won't buy themselves

I wouldn't be posting about this if not for the fact that I do want to have some additional spending. And what is surprising is that these are all optional stuff. For example I'm thinking about using Patreon to support some of the people who's work I enjoy and currently I do so for free. It seems only fair to support them. Other example is Audible and their library of audiobooks. So far podcasts on Spotify are enough for me, but I could use content which is more directional for lack of a better word.

What I describe here is push I have for a couple of years now. In the past I used to pirate almost everything, from video games to music. I no longer pirate games - why when I have 200+ games on Steam. I no longer pirate music - I have Spotify subscription. I no longer pirate movies and TV series - I simply don't watch it as I have plenty of great content on YouTube. And now that I am financially stable enough to allow this, I want to go step further and support those who entertain me for free.

Day 71 (0)

This will be hard to write as there is metric crap tonne of anxiety connected to this topic. However, I feel like I have to do this, however stupid or silly it is.

OK, so today at work I stumbled upon my old sweetheart. It's topic old as hell, I met her 7 years ago or so, fell in love with her HARD and while it subsided with time once you love somebody you cannot really stop loving them (I find it hard to explain, it's more like those you love become part of you and you cannot simply rip that part from yourself. It's not "love", it's something else). At any rate nothing came out of it, she was in a long distance relationship and I (wrongly) thought I could be there for her where nobody was for me. Long story short I was rejected, I tried to push myself towards her, got rejected even harder, realized my hopeless situation, cried a little and tried to put myself together. This brought me to this forum and my run of (back then state-of-the-art) LTU 3. Since then I came a loooong way, from a love sick child to a man I have improved in pretty much every area of my life.

Why do I say this? Because after I stumbled upon her I didn't think much about it. In fact it was not the first time in recent times I did and nothing came of this. I pay her no mind, except for exchange of "hellos" on the corridors I seek no contact with her. I don't long for her, I'm not interested in what's going on in her life. Any such feelings are quickly killed by the reminder of the disdain she showed me the last time I tried this 3-4 years ago, disdain cause by my abhorrent behavior.

However, when I came back home something strange happened. I was doing one of my "what I truly want" exercises and within a second she sprung into my find. And when that happened I cannot remember the last time I felt such unrequited love. Which is just so puzzling and strange. First of all I don't truly "want" her as if the are "buts" and "howevers" aplenty in my considerations. The "disdain" part is by far the most important - I feel like even if I tried I wouldn't be able to get back in touch with her because she disdains me and she simply would not allow me, killing any attempt with cold but polite response. And don't forget I fell for her 7 years ago and I practically had no contact with her for 6 years. I've changed in this time and so did she I'm sure. If I have any feelings for her, those are for her as I remember her from way-back-when, not the real her.

It's gonna be fun to observe my own feelings and experiences around this topic. I might do some spooky law of attraction based stuff on her but I did try this in the past and it was failing. In fact while visualizing about her in the past I felt as if someone was choking me. This is surprising as it was happening pretty much every time (or at least every time after some stage of visualization) while I don't think I've ever experienced something like that with any other person as my focus. So I don't think doing such a spooky stuff would be wise.

Day 73 (2)

Not much to say, for sure I don't have grandiose topic for today. I'm happy to see forum flare up before upcoming UMS release. I'm a little bit envious but then again, I'm on an excellent sub myself and I have plenty to enjoy and experience on LTU yet.

As for myself? I feel well, I'm getting more productive so it's a good thing. The only backdrop right now is that I seem to be quite irritable nowadays. Nothing mayor but there are some minor things that don't go may way and while I'm not hulking in anger because of them there is surely some irritation and mild anger connected to it. It depends of course but there were times when I would simply brush off things of such nature. Now though they get me and while it's neither long lasting nor strong it is there. Not sure where it comes from though, general tiredness and lack of patience maybe? Disappointment that things don't go my way and world is not as I'd wish it to be? Nah, that's to grand, or at least I hope my ego hasn't grown too much in recent days

Day 75 (0)

I'm writing this post late at night, after some quite productive but (I cannot shake this feeling) empty day. Before you read my thoughts first watch this YT film.



My flatmate recommended me this channel today and this is the second film of theirs I've watched. Now, I'm not fan of celebrities. I don't hate them, I just think it's a waste of time caring about these sorts of people. And so I am indifferent to Keanu Reaves. I like him as an actor, he has strange and incredible charisma and presence. And so him in the thumbnail and speaking about introverts made in interested. That being said this particular movie made me think and that's the premise of today's post.

As introvert I've always thought I lack charisma. I've never been the most liked kid on the block, I've never had too many friends. And it still holds true. And, when it comes to myself, I'm not sure if I want to change that too much. I style myself as the lone wolf - better and stronger on my own. Especially given that in the past I've learned to be cautious towards others as opening myself is a dangerous preposition.

That being said being like Keanu presented in that video is compelling. I could be like that. But what do I lack? What should I do to remain my eccentric, introverted me but be likable and charismatic? Two things come to mind.

Rush I always seem to be in rush. Which is funny as, once I'm back home, I believe I waste much of my time and so there is no reason for rush. Why is that important? Because while I'm in rush I'm not approachable. When I'm out on my hike I pun on my earplugs and don't give a crap about people around me. All I want to do is to have some light workout and maybe appreciate nature. Otherwise then I leave home I just want to get from point A to point B ASAP. If I stroll instead of march then maybe people would take me differently and also my own mindset would be more laid back.

For example when recently I said I'm easily irritable one of these things were people just passing by. How there they go in my way?! I'm walking here, mind me! And sure, some people (especially cyclists) have little regard to others but that does not mean it should phase me out. Also I have quite an intimidating presence. With my long hair, beard and quite a physique I don't look like someone to be f**ked with. I've heard once that "if I didn't know you I'd be scared". And when I'm irritated and have this look that must be amplified. So maybe keeping my rush in check would make me more approachable on more than one level.

Gratitude Now this is something that is not easy to say. But I certainly feel like I lack gratitude towards others. I've always had this mentality of me being some chess master and others being pawns in my game. It's not to say I'm egocentric and I don't care about others. I do, often at my own peril. But it goes to show I see people through their roles and obligations they have in my life. So I expect X and Y to do this and when they don't I punish them, mostly by ignoring their asses. Add to that my good memory and "forgive but don't forget" mentality and you have second Machiavelli on your hands.

Don't get me wrong, while I am INTJ I'm not some evil puppet master. Even if I were truth be told I'd be bored  What I'm trying to say is I should be more grateful and mindful towards others. Don't look at them from my own perspective and their role in my life. I should be more kind in a unrequited way. Because I can be kind. I am kind to the people from my work. But that's because I know I might need them in the future so it's good to keep me in their good graces. And I am good to my friends, just not as much as they deserve. And also I try to be kind to strangers but only because my parents taught me so. Being kind consts me nothing, takes little time and maybe, just maybe, it might change my outlook and attitude for the better.

I wasn't talking much about this because I didn't consider this a problem. I was content with how I treat others. And while I don't treat people bad, I also don't treat them well. But now I do realize and recognize that this is an issue. And that issue ought to be addressed. I'd be hard to work on some internal actions, but external actions should be easy and they will surely bring internal changes. We'll see, it's something I'll have to meditate quite a lot.

I think I'll start with just smiling whenever I'm living the four corners of my safety. And now to bed before I fall asleep in front of my keyboard.

Day 77 (0)

What a terrible, damned day. I feel like all energy was drained from me. So I'm tired, but also I'm feeling uneasy. All that talk about being irritated recently? Multiply it by a factor of 100. I've had relatively productive day at work, sure, but once I came back home I became totally useless. I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm not tired enough to sleep but tired enough that even simply watching YouTube drains me.

Let this day just end.

Day 78 (0)

I feel better now, although anxiety is still looming. The secret to get out of such a state for me is being useful. In my case what I did was simply making some cleaning. This is good work as 1) it doesn't require you to think or plan too much 2) it's something you're bound to do anyway and 3) you see the results immediately. In times like that it's almost cathartic.

I also decided to skip work today. It's vacation season anyway so there is little work to be done and what I do right now are my own side projects anyway. I used this day for two things. First one is some serious exercise, I've been putting this on the side lately so it's good idea to have a day for this. And given I won't be able to do this on the weekend (I'll tell you why in the future) I decided to do this now.

The other thing was that I finally shaved (not entirely mind you, just cut it down to ~3mm). Now, this is a little bit more complicated when it comes to my internal thoughts about it. I haven't shaved in a long time, certainly since my Dad passed away in March. I like long beards, I'd love to have this viking-like beard, however I'm too lazy to care for it enough to make it happen. Long beard required quite a lot of care actually. Also you need to trim it every once and a while and obviously I didn't do it, resulting in more homeless-like than viking-like look. But the reason why I did shave my beard was because I always considered long beard in myself a sign of depression. How can I say that I'm fine if I don't externalize it? So, in all that anxiety I'm experiencing recently, I thought a change might make me some good.

I'm not sure if it worked but what I certainly noticed is how much weight I lost. My face looks completely different. My smile looks completely different, I have wrinkles while smiling where the fat used to be. My gravitas rose by like an order of magnitude! I'm getting almost scared that when I get to my weight goal I won't be able to recognize myself in the mirror

Day 80 (0)

One thing I didn't tell you but explains a lot about my recent developments is this: I'm going to Japan on Saturday!!! This has been my dream at least since high school and probably earlier and it finally comes true. I was anxious to share this because, well, I feared something might go wrong. I might get sick or something will come up. But no, everything seems to be just fine

All is ready, I'll be packing tomorrow but I've made a list and I hope I will not forget anything important. There is some anxiety but not that much. I think I feared travel more in the past. Now... I just want to be there and be done with preparations and travel.

I'll be staying there for a week or so, next Sunday I'll be back home. That's gonna be a conference, so most of my time will be spent on work-related stuff, but I hope to do a lot of visiting on evenings or on some free day.

What's more to say? I'm really excited and anxious at the same time. This is gonna to be a challenge but I'm sure I'm well prepared to face it and have crap tonne of fun on the way!

Day 0 (9)

I'm back from Japan. It was... nice I guess. Interesting and thought provoking for sure, but it was not as amazing and awe inspiring as I'd hope it would be. Alas maybe Japan of today is simply unable to compete with expectations grown over the years?

I don't really want to post much today, I'm tired from the trip and I need some time to digest it all. In the coming days there will be a lot of musings and for one good reason - week spend oversees makes one grow some distance on the problems and worries of everyday life back in home. So there will be a lot of talk about my habits, Will, love, work ethics, socializing... I really hope writing on this forum will help me sort all of this through. I know and recognize my thought patterns I've developed in Japan, I just need to analyze them.

Lastly you might notice 0 in the title.  It was not really convenient for me to listen to LTU while in the hotel so I decided to stop my 3-month long run early and to make the trip the "week long pause" between longer runs. So here it is, tomorrow I'll be starting my second 3-month run of LTU. I'm optimistic about the results as always

Day 1 (0)

First day of the new run and funky stuff is already happening. On a subreddit I follow someone told me about hypersigils, especially in the context of funny Scottish fellow named Grant Morrison. If you know more on the topic feel free to either post it here or PM me, I'm gonna do some research on him and his ideas so any and all information may end up useful

I'm not sure if I want to use his techniques but at the same time there is merit to it from my point of view. I don't want to discuss this here in detail, I'm not sure how well it will stick with rule 4, but needless to say it's all about sigil as a way to externalize and make your desire material. As thoughts are in constant flux and one's desire change depending on mood, needs and for all, I know, the population of the emperor penguins, it might be a good idea to assign a symbol to a given desire.

I believe I tried something like that in the past and it did not work too well. But at the same time I did not put much thought into it so it hardly counts.

Now, the idea of hypersigils is more complicated and that is what I seriously need to research. But, like I said, research I will. There is great 40 minutes long lecture of his and I think I will listen to it 2 more times or so, making notes and posting my thoughts here on the forum. He says interesting things about nature of time for example as well as individuality and this whole "make your reality" stuff. I have some objections to his ideas but most of it holds quite solidly.

Before I end I want to ask of you to give me your thoughts on one more questions I was thinking about recently. This goes to @Shannon in particular but all can contribute. Assuming the theory of multiverse, a so uncertainty of the future as many potential futures are possible, does the same hold for the past? Is there only one Past or are the many pasts, the only requirement being that all these pasts led to the Present? The goal of this question is as follows - does the past (which we know from memories and little less, and even that is filtered through the lens of our experiences and reasoning) really objectively matter or should we simply focus on (certain as we experience it Now) present?

(07-22-2019, 11:30 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 1 (0)

First day of the new run and funky stuff is already happening. On a subreddit I follow someone told me about hypersigils, especially in the context of funny Scottish fellow named Grant Morrison. If you know more on the topic feel free to either post it here or PM me, I'm gonna do some research on him and his ideas so any and all information may end up useful

I'm not sure if I want to use his techniques but at the same time there is merit to it from my point of view. I don't want to discuss this here in detail, I'm not sure how well it will stick with rule 4, but needless to say it's all about sigil as a way to externalize and make your desire material. As thoughts are in constant flux and one's desire change depending on mood, needs and for all, I know, the population of the emperor penguins, it might be a good idea to assign a symbol to a given desire.

I believe I tried something like that in the past and it did not work too well. But at the same time I did not put much thought into it so it hardly counts.

Now, the idea of hypersigils is more complicated and that is what I seriously need to research. But, like I said, research I will. There is great 40 minutes long lecture of his and I think I will listen to it 2 more times or so, making notes and posting my thoughts here on the forum. He says interesting things about nature of time for example as well as individuality and this whole "make your reality" stuff. I have some objections to his ideas but most of it holds quite solidly.

Before I end I want to ask of you to give me your thoughts on one more questions I was thinking about recently. This goes to @Shannon  in particular but all can contribute. Assuming the theory of multiverse, a so uncertainty of the future as many potential futures are possible, does the same hold for the past? Is there only one Past or are the many pasts, the only requirement being that all these pasts led to the Present? The goal of this question is as follows - does the past (which we know from memories and little less, and even that is filtered through the lens of our experiences and reasoning) really objectively matter or should we simply focus on (certain as we experience it Now) present?

First, sigils and hypersigils do not qualify for discussion on the main forum.

Second, to answer your question, you must understand what time is actually like.  Most people imagine it as a ray, a line going in one direction, starting at a point and going on forever.  Some will imagine it as being an infinite corkscrew.  That is closer, but still not really accurate.  There is no accurate way to describe time for the human brain.  But if we stop imagining it as a linear thing, we are getting closer.

In the 1980's, computers stored data on magnetic tapes, like the ones you would use to record audio on.  This was a linear recording and playback device.  In the 90's, CDs became popular, and it was, at the time of their introduction, amazing to be able to just skip from one song to another in a second or less on a CD player.  This was possible because the recording medium was now "random access".  The same is true of a hard disk that uses a spinning magnetic platter.

This is about the closest I can get to describing how time really exists within a human nervous system limited context.  And what I'm getting at here is that all possible futures aren't just possible.  They all actually exist at once.  The key to which you experience is which you focus into from moment to moment via your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intentions, choices, etc.  Something like moving down a tree branch, and teleporting from branch to branch as you do it.  You still experience the tree seamlessly (analogous, in this case, to your life experience), but each branch (possible life) is different.

Now you're asking if all possible pasts also exist.

If all possible futures exist, then all possible nows exist, and so do all possible pasts, because all of them actually exist as "now".  There is no past or future.  There is only the limit of what out nervous system is capable of processing and comprehending.

It would be more accurate to say that all possible experiences exist now, and we simply choose which to flow into alignment with and experience.  More accurate still to say that we exist as all possibilities which are being expressed or left as potential according to the will of the point of awareness doing the perceiving.

Viewed from a linear filter of the nervous system's limits, this leaves us with a memory of the specific path we chose to take to the perceived "now", which adjusts to accommodate every "now" we choose to experience.  The past cannot be experienced again by the awareness limited by the physical nervous system except through memories, so it is generally best to focus on the now and shape the future instead.

(07-22-2019, 01:32 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-22-2019, 11:30 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Day 1 (0)

First day of the new run and funky stuff is already happening. On a subreddit I follow someone told me about hypersigils, especially in the context of funny Scottish fellow named Grant Morrison. If you know more on the topic feel free to either post it here or PM me, I'm gonna do some research on him and his ideas so any and all information may end up useful

I'm not sure if I want to use his techniques but at the same time there is merit to it from my point of view. I don't want to discuss this here in detail, I'm not sure how well it will stick with rule 4, but needless to say it's all about sigil as a way to externalize and make your desire material. As thoughts are in constant flux and one's desire change depending on mood, needs and for all, I know, the population of the emperor penguins, it might be a good idea to assign a symbol to a given desire.

I believe I tried something like that in the past and it did not work too well. But at the same time I did not put much thought into it so it hardly counts.

Now, the idea of hypersigils is more complicated and that is what I seriously need to research. But, like I said, research I will. There is great 40 minutes long lecture of his and I think I will listen to it 2 more times or so, making notes and posting my thoughts here on the forum. He says interesting things about nature of time for example as well as individuality and this whole "make your reality" stuff. I have some objections to his ideas but most of it holds quite solidly.

Before I end I want to ask of you to give me your thoughts on one more questions I was thinking about recently. This goes to @Shannon  in particular but all can contribute. Assuming the theory of multiverse, a so uncertainty of the future as many potential futures are possible, does the same hold for the past? Is there only one Past or are the many pasts, the only requirement being that all these pasts led to the Present? The goal of this question is as follows - does the past (which we know from memories and little less, and even that is filtered through the lens of our experiences and reasoning) really objectively matter or should we simply focus on (certain as we experience it Now) present?

First, sigils and hypersigils do not qualify for discussion on the main forum.

Second, to answer your question, you must understand what time is actually like.  Most people imagine it as a ray, a line going in one direction, starting at a point and going on forever.  Some will imagine it as being an infinite corkscrew.  That is closer, but still not really accurate.  There is no accurate way to describe time for the human brain.  But if we stop imagining it as a linear thing, we are getting closer.

In the 1980's, computers stored data on magnetic tapes, like the ones you would use to record audio on.  This was a linear recording and playback device.  In the 90's, CDs became popular, and it was, at the time of their introduction, amazing to be able to just skip from one song to another in a second or less on a CD player.  This was possible because the recording medium was now "random access".  The same is true of a hard disk that uses a spinning magnetic platter.

This is about the closest I can get to describing how time really exists within a human nervous system limited context.  And what I'm getting at here is that all possible futures aren't just possible.  They all actually exist at once.  The key to which you experience is which you focus into from moment to moment via your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intentions, choices, etc.  Something like moving down a tree branch, and teleporting from branch to branch as you do it.  You still experience the tree seamlessly (analogous, in this case, to your life experience), but each branch (possible life) is different.

Now you're asking if all possible pasts also exist.

If all possible futures exist, then all possible nows exist, and so do all possible pasts, because all of them actually exist as "now".  There is no past or future.  There is only the limit of what out nervous system is capable of processing and comprehending.

It would be more accurate to say that all possible experiences exist now, and we simply choose which to flow into alignment with and experience.  More accurate still to say that we exist as all possibilities which are being expressed or left as potential according to the will of the point of awareness doing the perceiving.

Viewed from a linear filter of the nervous system's limits, this leaves us with a memory of the specific path we chose to take to the perceived "now", which adjusts to accommodate every "now" we choose to experience.  The past cannot be experienced again by the awareness limited by the physical nervous system except through memories, so it is generally best to focus on the now and shape the future instead.

Thanks Shannon, this is actually very helpful. I really have to pay more mind to the idea of non-linear time. Also your note about sigils is duly noted, I might mention it if it will be relevant for some reason but I will not discuss it in detail.

Day 2 (1)

In my today's walk, instead of listening to podcasts like I usually do, I decided to listen to some music. That gave me room for thinking and wondering. My thoughts quite quickly went to my ex from last year and one powerful idea which I'm sure I've heard somewhere but I have no idea where and I cannot be bothered to look for it now.

Mediocrity is death

And death by a thousand cuts at that. If there is one adjective I can use to describe it would be mediocre. Average. Typical. Boring. Ultimately that's the reason I'm no longer with her. If she was "interesting", inspiring me our problems might have been the same but I would have fought quite hard for her. Instead I became tired of the relationship and gave up on it even before it ended.

I think of her for two reasons. First one is quite silly. Recently via messenger I've learned she has new boyfriend now. When I learnt of this back in Japan I felt pinch in my heart for a second or two but then it went away. I'm not jealous or envious or anything. I wouldn't want to be with her even if she tried. Via her mediocrity she lacks charm and magnetism needed to give me such reaction. But it made me realize something else.

The second reason is I still hold grunge towards her for how she behaved. And that's surprising. Unlike my first girlfriend she didn't do anything wrong per say. The first one would cheat on me, play me etc. and still I forgave her. I don't want to have any contact with her but I forgave her and if anything I pity her. But this one? She's done nothing wrong but didn't do much good either. She just... was. And if she was in a sense of "being there for me" that would be enough. Instead she was in a sense of "she existed". After year of relationship there are no songs that remind me of her, no place bearing her persona, no memories worth cherishing. I think that, in a sense, that left me more scarred than being cheated on.

That grudge comes partly (but I don't think fully, I cannot figure out rest yet) from an interesting observation. I don't understand her. I am extremely analytical person and so, in a sense, I treat people like a puzzle. I like to understand people, why they do what they do etc. And again, after a year of relationship, I cannot tell you why she did what she did. I don't understand her motives and her actions. They are not mysterious as much as... nonsensical? Like going against human nature and common sense. I know it stems from her fears and her upbringing but still.

Main argument comes down to my obsession with Will. If you want something truly you fight for it. That's how I realize what I want - not by how much I feel I want but by how hard I fight for it. I know she felt she wanted me but she never truly acted on it, no matter how much I showed her it's fine, how much time I gave her or the circumstances. There were small cute gestures, sure, but never any initiative. And after a year of showing her intimacy is fine and me bringing initiative I got bored and quite frankly sick and tired of the doormat-like attitude.

Day 3 (0)

I said I'd research ideas of Grant Morrison and I lied. Well, not exactly. I did research it a little and I found out Alan Moore is not exactly fan of Morrison. In situations like that I tend to follow my gut instinct and it says to me to listen to Moore. So I shall, I might still do some research but not too deep.

I believe this Moore vs Morrison thing requires a little more explanation. Both are comic book writers, of them Moore is probably known to most of you thanks to "Watchmen" and "Killing Joke". Both are into occult mojo, but while Moore has this bum Gandalf sage-like appeal to himself, Morrison is this drug-snaring bold punk wearing leather jacket. Moore is stoic and balanced, weighting every word while Morrison seems hyperactive and overexcitable. Again, I might be judging them too early and also one should distinguish message from messenger. Still when Morrison talks about aliens from 5th dimension, in the lights of Moore's warning I shall err on the side of caution.

I love Moore's "Watchmen". It is truly a masterpiece. And the only comic book (well, comic novel to be precise) on my bookshelf. There is certain wisdom and magic to his writing. You may be familiar with Dr. Manhattan, god-like figure from his novel. As god-like he is outside of time and for him past, present and future are one and the same. This leads to fascinating musings in the book, something I certainly have on the back of my head when I think about nature of time.

Moore aside (I think I managed to show that he is quite an authoritative figure for me) it's time for some of my contemplation. Today I realized something interesting - I always seemed to be torn between "reason" and "heart". Decisions always seemed to come down to either cold calculus or gut feeling and which one should I choose would simplify to choice between regret of "what might have been" and pain of failing what was bound to fail. Now it's no linger the case. My reason and my heart seem to agree, there is no dissonance. At least none I can notice. And it's not like one of them won, instead there is some kind of synergy between them. A compromise if you will.

Ever since I started to think about love and sex and girls in general I hated idea of being lonely. And no wonder, I was a lonely child with few if any friends and I was in the front seat to witness beautiful love between my parents. So I was raised (or maybe I raised myself) in a dream of finding my perfect soulmate™. This, obviously, was futile. But my heart would insist on looking for that gem. But every time I dug for treasure I ended up in an early grave. And really no experience, no heartbreak and no subliminal would ease the feeling. Now it's different.

Day 6 (0)

Two things before I start real talk. Strap in as this is gonna be a long ride.

First of all sorry for not posting in a couple of days. This is not a bad thing though - I wanted to post but I was either too tired or too busy with post. This means quite a lot of my ideas (especially some interesting thoughts about responsibility) will have to wait before I put them into paper. Today's topic is way too important to skip. Also it means that, well, since it's Saturday and I am completely free from both work- and social-related obligations I can post a damned wall of text on you to repent for not posting in some time.

Second thing is that there will be some sources needed to understand my musings. To get full picture I ask you to listen to "The Truth is out There" by Sonata Arctica (and to listen to them in general, there are great Finnish band!) and to read "Tsirelsyn's Bound" (just google it, you'll find it easily) which on the first glance is little more than Elder Scrolls-related fan fiction, but it touches some extremely interesting ideas and is simply genius in literally sense. Just as a side note - both these sources used to hold great importance for me and now it's more nostalgia factor than anything else, but are useful to express what I thing nevertheless.

Confusion is the key (or at least the keyword of this post)

I'll be honest with you - I feel confused. I mark this confusion from my return from Japan and start of the new run of LTU.

I don't like being confused. Both the long and the text come from time when I was in perpetual state of a broken heart or in some sort of unstable, terrified to see what the following two days will bring kind of relationship. This confusion is different but this is what this state of uncertainty reminds me of - broken heart and lack of security.

Uncertainty is the seat of understanding. Confusion is the throne of love.

For me confusion comes from experience (and love is surely one helluva experience) which changes your outlook on life. Entire framework of who you are needs to be transformed. This is not pleasant thing to do. When you fell like you have to question everything and nothing is certain you might as well just... give up? In all cases though I refused to give up. Foundations might have been shaken but I would always rebuilt everything from scratch, absorbing newly learnt knowledge but keeping much of what of tried and true. That is maybe why I never succeeded in love? I always bring my old baggage to the equation instead of trying something truly new. It's no matter for current considerations but an interesting idea nonetheless.

It is in the word itself. Confusion: with fusion. With the Coming-Together. With love. To be confused is to be with love.

This time it's different. If confusion means "to be with love" then my current confusion springs from my love for myself.

Let me try to explain this as clearly as I can. For the most of my life I've been down-to-earth realist. Even after I've experienced things I cannot explain with hard logic, truly magical stuff, I would still rather hand wave these ideas. I would entertain some ideas like LOA or esoteric ideas in general but it would end at this. Entertaining the ideas. First run of LTU 5 pushed me hard to research into mysticism and other things I'm scared to talk about due to Rule 4 (read my journal goddammit, it's all in there) and there have been some interesting stuff. You know, coincidences which were not just random chance. Feeling which could not be dismissed and came true.

But that was that. Fun. Now though?

The truth is out there.
Somewhere between two fairy tales

Like the "Letter..." as well as many psychologists claim "we are all many people". This, from my experience is true. However I would always try to see things from the perspective of the conscious "me". To understand via his lens. And this is not a bad approach, it's certainly the most obvious one. However it's like looking inside through the window. It keeps you sane though. Now, possibly because of LTU, possibly some other variable, I seem to be much more fine-tuned to my subconscious. Let's call it intuition for lack of a better word.

I seem to notice more. To see more. I've always been "mister contingency plan" but now I'm really great at anticipating various outcomes. I cannot really remember the last time something did not go my way or I wasn't prepared for a possibility of thing not going my way. And I don't need to think or question it - I just do it, following my Will. Not to mention things really go my way. When I know I really, truly want something without any buts of ifs I can be sure I will get it. And if I don't I quickly realize I did not want it as much. And it's more than just justification of failure, it's something deeper.

That's the crux of the matter. My Will. Normally you fell what is right but you get what you Want from your conscious. Now I get this from my Intuition. Which is strange as is goes to great length to support my weight loss but does nothing to support NoFap, among other things. At any rate following this Intuition costs me nothing and provides much benefit. Conscious is lazy, subconscious is not - if there was one profit from LTU that would be enough to be honest.

I comes to a point when I don't even want things I want "consciously". From my experience when I play with LOA or whatever I enter into territory I can best name as:

Be careful what you wish - you may regret it;
Be careful what you wish - you just might get it!
(Damn, I love Metallica's "King Nothing"!!!)

With my subconscious will I've never experienced this problem. Like I said, if there are ifs and buts simply nothing happens so I'm safe of unforeseen consequences. And it keeps me from any bad consequences. So my Intuition tells me to just go with the flow, play with the cards I'm given and trust.

This doesn't help with confusion but it gives me... security? Closure? I don't know how to call it. At an rate I cannot think but wonder everything is gonna be fine. And sure this experience makes me fell a little bit like a passenger on the back seat, maybe not an observer but an apprentice not yet trusted with prized tools.

I'm fine with as long as two conditions are met. Whatever happens I (the conscious me) have to take responsibility for it all. If I for some reason, due to my Intuition, hurt someone or whatever, it's mine responsibility and I cannot escape this. There will be no sudden "waking up". I might go with the flow but I cannot let it lead me astray. And also I should still strife towards my own goal. My Intuition might not care about NoFap but it does not mean I have free reign and I can spend hours on some porn sites. Following Will of my subconscious makes things easier but it does not mean any and all hard work is out of my hands. I ought to be wiser than that!

Day 7 (1)

Today is my birthday and to celebrate this occasion I... visited my mom. Don't worry, it's not that bad, I've already celebrated it with some of my friends and I'll meet with the rest in the next days

In recent weeks meeting my mother is always an intellectual treat. She's not the most educated person in the world but she does not lack wisdom and she shares it when asked. Add to that similarities between our characters and lots to swallow due to recent hardships and we have recipe for quite a discussions about love and life and all that Jazz.

What I must admit, though I am a little bit ashamed of it, is that I became quite nostalgic recently. I think it started with my craze to analyze everything and anything but it ends up a little bit different. Often when one looks into the past one sees regrets, wasted time and unfulfilled dreams. What I see now is gratitude. I was given so much and I believe I did not waste it. I'm talking here mostly about my parents of course, but also about my school, my friends, my loves and heartaches, pretty much everything that shaped me into a man I am today.

When you look down the past and realize there is little if anything you might want to change if you could - that is truly something else. And please, don't take this as a claim about how perfect I am. It's more about appreciation, not taking things for granted and, more than anything else, ability to accept and learn from one's failures, mistakes and defeats. Life ain't gonna go your way all the time. And when it doesn't it's not a punishment, it's a lesson. Lit me learn from these lessons.

Let me not squander the chance I've been given.

And for goodbye - a nice song to highlight my today's mood.