Subliminal Talk

Day 27 (0)

Damn, I don't know, I feel kind of lost. Something is off. I blame it mostly on weather, shorter days and lower temperatures really kill my mood. But there is more to it.

From what I've noticed I can only have 2 out of 3 things: self-improvement, self-discovery and work. I just don't have time, physical strength and mental strength to do all these at the same time. I need work for money and sense of accomplishment. I need self-improvement to feel like I'm not stuck in my current situation. And I need self-discovery to know why I'm doing what I'm doing. Right now the latter one suffers the most.

I find that I can meditate, I can read useful book and be finding myself but once I stop doing this to prioritize other stuff (meditation turns to sleep, reading becomes work-oriented and my thoughts turn to current predicaments) I turn to autopilot and that's when bad things start to happen. And I cannot simply cancel the other 2 as need for work is self-evident and I'm trapped in the self-improvement habits I've developed.

Not that it's worth much anyway. According to my weight loss app September has been the first month since last winter when I've gained weight. Not much, only 0.7kg, but still. I dismiss this as simply more water in the system but the message is clear nonetheless - despite my attempts I've stopped losing weight. And closer examination tells you why - I'm eating more and (except for walking) I exercise less. I think I've overestimated role of walks in my weight loss success and underestimated that of walking.

I could turn this around, stop 2 hour long walks and start serious exercise and that freed time. However it ain't that simple. First of all habits. I've made this my habit to such an extend that I feel weird if I don't walk at least 7-8km. I feel like day is wasted without it. Also I'd have to give up my year-long goal, something I'd feel great shame of forsaking. And also it's the best time for thinking and wondering freely I have with added bonus of listening to music and podcasts.

I could continue like that for much longer. I should probably post more regularly to vent myself right now but at the end of the day I scarcely find time to post. And there is much to talk about. My savings attempts, my social life, my new flatmate, my work... Ultimately it's all a matter of figuring things out and setting your priorities straight. I've had great successes at summer but well, it was summer. Days were longer, I had more strength and work didn't demand as much from me. I really, really have to figure things out again and not make any more excuses for myself.

Day 31 (0)

This is bad. I don't remember the last time I've had such mood swings.

I feel terrible. For the first time in a long, long time I felt so angry and powerless today. During today's walk, when I was drowning in these thoughts, I had a strange sense of self-realization. Something like "man, why do you think like this?", felt almost like waking up in a dream. These thoughts returned though and stayed with me.

I said many times that I have great imagination and one thing it gives me is that every period of my like is connected a feeling or some sensory stimuli. This today reminded me of beer. I might feel weird and terrible right now but that was my every day life not that long ago, a year or so, when I'd look for closure in alcohol. I don't want to use it as a way out right now but hell, it's one tempting preposition.

These shorter days, cold weather and routine are really killing me. Days just seem to pass me by and part of me just hopes for spring already. The idea that it will only get worse and winter approaches is not helping in the slightest.

I think I know what I must do as I long for this blissful state from last summer. But I start to wonder if this can actually help. I have my doubts. At the same time though I'm stubborn and I don't want to pass up. Whatever I am to do seems either not to work or clearly to be a bad idea. In this situation it seems like I can only brave through this.

Well, I can also let myself hit rock bottom, then the only way is up, right?

I've lost something and only now do I realize this. What made last summer so great for me, so fruitful? I'd say outcome independence.

Read what I wrote. How I am angry and powerless. These are two emotions that come from position where you want the world to be one way, but it is the other and you cannot accept - rage against it one might say. I make plans, I want things to end up a certain way and life seems not to like this very much. Instead of going my way it throws obstacles my way.

And that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I got a strange picture of myself, of a person who can do no wrong and who's serendipity rivals this of a gods. So, when faced with counter-argument I don't accept it and look for scapegoat. It's not me who's a wrong, it's the world! The world is wrong! Even today at the walk I was thinking about me ex and, despite the fact I wanted this relationship to end and felt quite relieved when it did, I was cursing her for how she broke with me and hurt me instead of saving the relationship.

Time to get some responsibility again, Mister Mystic!

On the other hand, feeling of victimhood taste of sweetness and excuse.

I should do something in between and neither. I should learn to just let go again. To trust the Universe, to trust my Will and let go. Enjoy the life, see where it leads me. Maybe I hold too strong onto habits developed not that long ago, habits that now feel more like a chain. Maybe I should allow myself to eat more, skip exercises and use spare time and energy on something else. Well, maybe - such a dangerous word. Thinking about this makes me anxious.

But after all, if you really, truly want something - you just do it. So why worry, why plan, why scheme. Just let go and enjoy what life gives you.

(10-07-2019, 10:48 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]I've lost something and only now do I realize this. What made last summer so great for me, so fruitful? I'd say outcome independence.

Read what I wrote. How I am angry and powerless. These are two emotions that come from position where you want the world to be one way, but it is the other and you cannot accept - rage against it one might say. I make plans, I want things to end up a certain way and life seems not to like this very much. Instead of going my way it throws obstacles my way.

And that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I got a strange picture of myself, of a person who can do no wrong and who's serendipity rivals this of a gods. So, when faced with counter-argument I don't accept it and look for scapegoat. It's not me who's a wrong, it's the world! The world is wrong! Even today at the walk I was thinking about me ex and, despite the fact I wanted this relationship to end and felt quite relieved when it did, I was cursing her for how she broke with me and hurt me instead of saving the relationship.

Time to get some responsibility again, Mister Mystic!

On the other hand, feeling of victimhood taste of sweetness and excuse.

I should do something in between and neither. I should learn to just let go again. To trust the Universe, to trust my Will and let go. Enjoy the life, see where it leads me. Maybe I hold too strong onto habits developed not that long ago, habits that now feel more like a chain. Maybe I should allow myself to eat more, skip exercises and use spare time and energy on something else. Well, maybe - such a dangerous word. Thinking about this makes me anxious.

But after all, if you really, truly want something - you just do it. So why worry, why plan, why scheme. Just let go and enjoy what life gives you.

Man, you are not alone.  I’ve had a huge amount of grief due to the attachment mentally too.  LTU was really helpful with that, so keep going.  I figured out that when I became attached to a specific outcome, I became very fearful that it wouldn’t happen, and the fear became my primary focus.  So with all that focus, what do you think my subconscious and the universe made happen?  It’s a really hard cycle to break, and I (and probably at least half of the human population) tortured myself like that for years.  After six months on LTU, I am able to do everything I can to meet a goal, but pretty much entirely let go of it when the results are out of my hands.  You’ll get there.

Day 32 (0)

Thanks @Paul1131 , you're totally right. It is such an easy trap to fall into.

Yesterday I went ahead a bought myself that beer. 2, just enough to get relaxed but not enough to get drunk. I went to sleep and started the next day rested and ready for new challenges.

To be honest I feel much better today. Still below the curve but much better. That talk about responsibility and such really helped me. This is why I like this forum - even when I spit total nonsense the act of venting my thoughts and anxieties really helps out.

Even my inner dialogue has improved. Yesterday it was a chain of sadness and anger. Now I got angry a couple of times but the feeling quickly dissipated, mostly just on its own.

I feel quite anxious but mostly about my work. At the beginning of the month, to jumpstart my work, I took more responsibilities and obligations than usual. Because of this autumn depression however I did not do as much as I should have done. I dismissed this, saying to myself I will figure this out. Only today I have started to deal with the issues and while I did quite a lot of work it was... well, not enough for me to feel satisfied. If I managed to be as productive tomorrow I should catch up and be more at peace with my work issues.

As for the fears of the future... well, I don't know. I don't feel like I let go of everything but at the same time I no longer get anxious. Things will be good, I know it. I know it for the first time since at least a week or two.

Day 33 (0)

Short update today as there is little to talk about. I still feel anxious but that's it. No anger, no crippling sadness. The only negativity I noticed during today's walk was a couple of instances of "do you remember when you did something awkward and stupid 10 years ago?". I'm quite productive (tomorrow I should catch up with all my work) and I am able to smile and laugh quite easily.

Short days are really killing me though. My motivation for walks in non-existent given after I get back from work, eat my dinner and have a nap it's already getting dark. And it will get only worse and worse, especially after time zone switch from summer to winter time. I dread the very thought.

Day 34 (0)

Today I went with my flatmate to watch the new "Joker" movie. Today's post will be review/critique/random thoughts on that movie.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you haven't watched the movie yet DO NOT READ THIS! I highly recommend it, it's not your average superhero movie and it's pretty much great! Acting is genius, music is great, cinematography is stellar and plot itself keeps you interested. No flying capes of super strong heroes is an added bonus.










OK, that being said the movie left me quite puzzled. Arthur (Joker's name) is presented as sympathetic antihero. We are not supposed to cheer for him (at least I did not at any point) but you feel sympathy and empathy for this guy. He does a lot of bad stuff (like, you know, killing people) but he does so only to those who have wronged him. And step by step, scene after scene you see his descent into the Joker.

You get him. You understand why he does what he does, none of this is random or forced. You might not approve of it and you might think (rightly so) that he deserves punishment for his deeds. But you cannot escape the feeling that, in his circumstances, what he does seems natural. He's not trying to conquer the world or kill half the population. He does what he believes is right. He is a hero of his own story.

Guy's crazy but it's not he's fault. Lifetime of mistreatment and lies by his mother made his socially inadequate, living in his own reality. He's delusional, sees a specter of a girl he has a crush on and hears applause when there is none. It is beautiful to see in the third act how confident and focused he becomes after he shed the weight life put on him, bit by bit. It's almost cathartic to behold.

He does not however take responsibility of his actions, part which is so important for my own philosophy. He's still like a child, reacting but not acting. Not fully understanding the consequences of his actions. His hermetic life left him stranded in a place where he knew what he wanted but (it seemed like) there is no bridge to get him there. The question is in what capacity he could have taken control of his life without all the murders.

Is his mental illness an excuse, perhaps not right but justification of his actions? Could have something be done? I don't know. Or at least I'm not sure yet.

Who would I be without friends, hobbies, accomplishments? Who would I be if I were to spend my entire life with only my crazy mother and my own delusions? If, in this situation, something were to happen that would empower me be would not me any wiser, would I have done the same? Yet another school shooter? Before watching this movie I would have said "hell no!" but now... "maybe".

This movie shows a lot of things, the results of neglect and abuse on human psychy is possibly the most obvious one. But for me it's kind of a warning. A showcase of what might happen when you let conditions like that to exist and grow.

At no point did I think that the movie is unrealistic, that actions presented are forced or improbable. The descend from madness to empowered madness is presented in such a believable way there is no way for me not to look back at the movie and think that this might become real. Perhaps not for me but for my friends, my family, my co-workers, my neighbors, that chick I say yesterday walking her dog etc.

Day 40 (0)

I was bringing myself to write an update for some time now. I'd log in, even start writing just to scrap it and log out.

I don't know, things are weird. Good, or at least better, bu helluva weird. I'm really having problem to figure this crap out sometimes. So, if I were to explain everything and give you my interpretation and thoughts I'd be there for a day writing a masterpiece of contemporary prose. Instead I want to share one change and one event that I noticed.

So wake up sleepy one

I've always had problems with waking up early. If I had to I'd be able to do this with some pain, if I didn't I'd start to negotiate with my alarm clock. This, understandably, hurt me in many ways, especially my work. I'd have to dedicate a lot of my time back at home to work as I'd spend less time in my workplace simply because I woke up at 9 instead of 6. For the last 2 weeks however I've been able to consistently and effortlessly wake up every working day at 6.

It's similar thing to what I experiences during my weight loss extravaganza. Changes, at least in some areas, would come effortlessly. And no, I'm no longer losing weight but it has become very stable so I'm content I don't have yo-yo effect. Anyway it's not to say it's easy to wake up early, it is to say it's effortless. A bit like walking 20k way back when.

You're where the wild things are

Two strange things happened that lead to another strange thing. First of all I came upon the concept of "death of ego". I'm not interested in it as life without desire is no life at all but I'm surely interested in shaping my ego and understanding where my desires come from. So the read gave me a lot of food for thought. Secondly I stumbled upon (twice) my old sweetheart I was in love with 7 years ago (because of that girl I originally came to this forum something like 4 years ago). She pretty much disdains me but both time she said "hello" to me. Nothing more, not conversation, no longing sight, simple greetings.

Add to that my recent problems with episodes of anger which I was feeding at first to deal with underlying emotions but I started to suppress and redirect them instead. I did so because I recognized that I was blaming everything but myself for my failures and mistakes. Once you admit your own responsibility and forgive yourself that crap is getting easier.

Anyhow amidst all of this I decided it'd be a swell idea to meditate on the sweetheart. I went to bed at 11 and started meditation. Instead of calming myself though I have released all my emotions, I was visualizing her and talking with her avatar. It was intense, I got filled with such unrequited love it was beautiful. I managed to fall asleep at 1 and even then I woke up 2 more times during the night. Not once during this whole meditation did I long to be with her but I did long for her to be happy and to see her smile.

Beside small manifestation from another girl during the meditation what I got from this was incredible peace of mind. I don't think I've ever experiences such emotional cleaning. My body was shaking, my visualizations were clearer than ever before and I was 100% focused on the subject. I want to do something like that more, I'm not sure how sustainable that would be but it's worth a shot to see if this could be done consistently.

Day 41 (0)

Insert Marcus Aurelius quote here

One idea I simply cannot escape is how stoic I've become. And it's not only about being outcome independent, that one goes back to at least my first LTU 5 run. No, I;m talking about acceptance of my circumstances and event that are happening around me.

Now, by being stoic I don't mean taking hits and not hitting back. I'd call it being fatalist or simply dumb. Stoicism for me is about acceptance and understanding FROM WHICH arise drive to change things. Think about Gladiator where Russel Crowe accepts what has happened but still strives towards revenge, just not stupidly. I seem to remember quote something in the lines of "I'm already dead, it's just a matter of how I die." That's stoicism for me right there.

I don't remember if that was while my father was in coma of soon after he died but I was listening to Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. They did not do much for me back then but still the spirit survives. And now that I have (in some part at least) dealt with my emotional problems I see how stoic I've become.

For example I was talking about how life seem to throw rocks at my feet some time ago. I used to be angry because of this, blaming the Universe for impeding me. Now I recognize these as my own faults or simply coincidences but always as an opportunity to learn. Fool me once...

Anyhow I had this huge problem yesterday at work. Everything was working fine but we expected something else and we didn't know how to get the desired effect. I've spend half of the day working on this and getting nowhere. Today I went to work stoic style, not worrying about yesterday's failures. I checked some basic assumptions, got an idea and it worked perfectly! Were I to worry I'd probably miss it, instead I tried something new without much worry and I got what I wanted.

In moments like that I do love my life.

Day 46 (0)

The more I think about my circumstances the more I realize that it is not enough to recognize and act on things I need to improve. The list is long and while I do work on it and I do have successes on it, well, I need to do even more. But doing more does not mean doing things harder...

I really need to change framework I think in. Now, that's a huge task but it's not impossible. If I'm right that was exactly the reason why I succeeded so much in the summer - dealing with my father's death made me reevaluate things but with time everything went back slowly to status quo. Possibly because I was not conscious enough to realize what was happening and possibly because life just has to go on and I returned to my old self (or at least partially, achieving some sort of "old me" and "new me" synthesis).

I have all the tools I need to do this. Experience, knowledge, meditation, self-realization, LTU. I have will, or at least I believe I have it. The only problem is it requires work. Without a shock such a framework change is no trivial task.

This is why I don't promise I'll do it. Maybe I'll be forced to focus on here and now too much to do such a work. Maybe new realizations I'll be having will be to hard to swallow. Recent realizations sure well hard. Maybe I'll need help but I don't know yet where to look for it. Maybe this autumn depression will be way to hard to handle and I'll have to wait till spring (although my mood is so much better now). Maybe I'll come up with new maybies.

What I know is this approach would serve me much better that current one. And I'll give it a shot.

Day 48 (0)

Like cinders of the ashen rain

As I question everything and trying to make sense out of it all in the bloom and gloom of the dark autumn evening strange things may happen.

I happens rarely but once every now and then I become... sensitive to beauty, for lack of a better word. Most times when I'm out on a walk I tend to get lost in my music or podcast. Its hard not to, treking the same path again and again your mind wonders, you don't need to observe as everything is familiar. But yesterday was one of those days when it did not happen, I was hyperaware. I was noticing people, event, trying to use my empathy to figure out their stories and maybe learn something or maybe just be there to observe.

In state like that there is beauty in everything. Read "Leaves of Grass" or listen to Nightwish's "Song of Myself" to more or less get what I mean. Sadness is beautiful, as is happiness and joy. Crying and cheering. Items brand new and destroyed relics of bygone communist age. Pubs and churches. Small dogs on leashes and free crows scavenging for food among acorns and junk...

Couple holding hands, approaching me. They seem happy but man's face is not that genuine. It's not that he's hiding he's emotions, it's just that he doesn't want her to be sad. She notices but plays along. Does she know what's going on? Rough day at work, little secret, death in the family or simply small concerns of everyday routine? Can she truly cheer him up or has she lost ability to do so? Did she have it at all?

Walk from district to district, block to block in enlightening. One you walk on pristine pavement, clean and even. A minute later it managed to turn into rigged s**tshow. Small ponds of water fill the gaping holes in the cobblestone. Such neglect. I once heard cleaning services are more important in the city than the police as appearance of order can be more powerful than enforcement of the order itself. Well...

Random graffiti you cease to notice after year or five of living in the city. What drove them to draw it? Passion, desire to destroy and vandalize or perhaps desire to leave a mark on the city. Or maybe all at the same time? How many people did this art help, how many expressed themselves? How long will it last, destroyed sooner or later by city officials.

Even roads, cars, trams, like cells in the blood of the city. Everyone goes somewhere, everyone originates but all travel. And everyone will travel back. All the passengers have desires, dreams, motivations. Did they have to or did they want to embark on this particular trip? Will everything do as planned? How many will get robbed on the way and how many will meet by pure chance the love of their lives.

What all these people think about me. Robust 5'8 in black leather jacket and face of "don't f**k with me" walking down the dark alleyway in the death of the night. What does he want, what does he need, what are his dreams and desires? What does he think listening to the repeated chorus for the 10th time

Quote:We can't withstand forever
The flame will set us free
As long as we're together
We dance in the ashen rain
Stand side by side no matter
How long the road may be
And when we're burned, forever
We'll dance in the ashen rain

I was riding shotgun in our work truck today, and I pulled up your post.

I saw the beauty in your word pictures, me heading off to areas mentally which I've not visited often. Your writing is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. I could live there.

(10-24-2019, 03:22 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]I was riding shotgun in our work truck today, and I pulled up your post.

I saw the beauty in your word pictures, me heading off to areas mentally which I've not visited often.  Your writing is beautiful.  Thank you so much for sharing that.  I could live there.

Thanks I'm glad I could help and someone appreciated my writing. As I said, this style is heavily influenced by Whitman and, as a derivative of that, Nightwish lyrics. I cannot help but find beauty in everything that surrounds us, it's just a shame so rarely I have a mind to look for it.

Day 50 (0)

Huge and important update, so much so I might bookmark it somewhere for myself. As such it will be hard to write but I'll do my best.

So, recently I've said that what I truly need is change of perspective, redefinition of my goals and of myself in general in the aftermath of settling down after the maelstrom of emotions that was my father's death. Well, I was indeed working on it and this Friday and Saturday was an interesting case study.

What I was focusing on these past few weeks was my work. And I'm glad to admit I've exceeded my expectations on that field. However it came at a cost of my other commitments - workouts, meditation, NoFap, studies etc. I have made conscious decision to be "lazy" - to prioritize my work and loosen my other obligations. That works quite well but it doesn't make me fulfilled, in other words I would like to have a cake and eat it too.

On Thursday night while meditation I was trying, for lack of a better word, to "convince" myself to focus again on exercise and NoFap, things that were going so smooth for me in May-June. It kinda worked. Kinda. I couldn't sleep for the most of the night. Well, I was in half-sleep, my thoughts wondering in half-conscious state, so it was not insomnia. I got maybe 3 hours worth of proper sleep. In the morning I could not get up so I decided to skip on work today and do some work from home instead.

What happened on Friday was interesting. I went ahead and had a great workout, beating all my records as well as doing good long hike. Also, unlike last few weeks, I had no urge to masturbate whatsoever. What I tried to achieve, it worked. At the cost of my work.

Today I tried to synergize both frameworks. I've done my 15k walk, I did some exercises (despite being sore from Friday) and did some work. I worked, but not quite. Entire Friday I was happy, jovial. I managed to channel my May-June self and it was great. I could live like that everyday! But when it came to do me due work, well, I got angry. Tired. Not from or towards work. I like my work, I fell fulfilled by it. But it seems I cannot do both things at the same time.

I might not like to talk about this but in May-June time I was behind on my work. I was trying to do my best but it didn't work too well as I was focusing on other stuff. My successes from that time came at the cost of my work. And with my recent experiences (recent experiment, decision to let go of other commitments) I wonder if I truly cannot synergize these two. When I focus on work, my self-improvement tanks. When I self-improve, my work tanks.

I think there is a world where I could marry these two. 2 or 3 new habits, stricter work ethic (work harder but shorter), maybe setting my work environment better etc. It's important especially now that I feel like I have so little time - an illusion caused by short days and little sunlight. I think all of this is theoretically possible. Will I have enough strength and willpower to do this though?

However I'd like to put it, the 4 mentioned here pillars (work, workouts, NoFap, meditation) need not only to be included in my new framework, they need to be at the centerpiece. They need to reinforce each other, help and support entire project. Ultimately I cannot pick-and-choose.

This week I will try to keep focusing on workouts and NoFap. Now I know I can do it. I still need to figure out how to do it well, without sacrifices and excuses.

Wish me luck guys.

Day 51 (0)

Remember as comets, not as dead rocks

Goddamn, I just cannot stop listening to Orden Ogan. Some time ago I used lyrics from their song "Ashen Rain" and pretty much since that day I was listening to their latest album "Gunmen" every single time I went out. Funny how I had it on Spotify since January and only now I stopped to listen to it and I love it. Just gotta get into a mood I guess.

I know the group for a long time with the biggest contribution to by life being "Nobody Leaves" I was listening on repeat when I was dating my first girlfriend. Somehow that song fitted perfectly to my mood back then. Spoiler alert, it wasn't too optimistic.

But hey, I've paid the ferryman three fracking years ago.

On the point though, today was... behind expectations. On most part at least. Workout went well but not spectacular, procrastination was rampant and I done exactly 0 work done. But hey, it's Sunday, I can give myself some slack. Also changing time to winter and realizing it's already dark at 5 P.M. didn't help much either.

One bright speck on it all was my conversation with my friend. Very long story short I was flirting with her part joke and part serious. The thing is she has boyfriend but they have sex rarely, so I got into a waiting line to her in case she smartens up. Little thing but since June I was not flirting with anybody to be honest and these "jokes" may be a good launchpad in the future. Also I know she finds me attractive and I could easily impress her. The only obstacles are her boyfriend and wall of friendzone. First one I have not control over, second one I'd worry if (when?) the time comes.

I don't know though, I'm so puzzled on this who "relationships" thing. And I know I write about this for the past half a year but it's true. One day I'll have to write about all those past loves of mine, what I think about them now and how I deal with memories. This whole conundrum whether I'd like to find a girlfriend or I want to be left alone while I focus on myself brought me to searching for new framework. After all I still haven't figured out if I sincerely don't want a relationship or I'm just scared (as in "with scars") and scared (as in "terrified") due to the past. Or if it's just an excuse to stay in my comfort zone.

At any rate, today I've done infinitesimal effort to get out of that comfort zone. Hurray!