Sorry for that outburst. I took a car ride and feel more composed now.
I know that I am better, but I still have some unreality feelings coming and going, don't like that at all, I feel very spaced out :/
I currently feel like I am "flat" over my chest, like i want to take a big breath but it's just not "there". I'm workign with the area and feel tension in it, I have had some good cries and feel that it's "loosening up" and I hope I'm coming closer and closer to a threshold in my healing. As I said some unreality-feelings which is due to the tensions in my upper chakras, which I also feel a loosening by crying.
I forgot to mention that I had a huge release in emotions last week during my daily TRE-session. It took long time, I have doing them for around 30 weeks and people usually have releasing much earlier but I guess I was seriously f*cked up. But it was amazing. I started laughing, then crying very intensively but it felt GOOD. I had been afraid for the release so long but when it came it felt so natural and so good.
The 27th of february will be the 1 year "anniversery" of this thread, and I hope that I will be healed until then, almost 2 months. I set up these small goal-points, last one was christmas and I could compare how I felt last christmas, and it was big difference, even though I still wasn't feeling well but overall much better and more centered and calm. People around me see that I have changed and become better. I can feel music more, feel my own emotions more, many things are better!
For so long I have gone through life using other people as a compass of how I should be, think and do. Sure I have done things that I wanted, like go to the university, travel, etc. but I always looked to other people on how I should "be". Ergo, I have been pretty insecure in myself and catered other peoples needs over my own. I start to realize this, and how deeply ingrained it is in my behavior and attitude toward many things. Hard to give an example, but I maybe come up with something later. The important thing is that it's colored my behavior and sat in the way of my own happiness and enjoyment of life. I also realize that I have felt empty for a long time, and I believe it come from that I looked for someone else to fil that hole inside of me. Someone, or things, status, etc. But things and people are temporary in that sense, they can't fill your hole more than for a brief time, you need to be content inside yourself first.
I now know it has started with my mother, and her desire to control people around her. She spend a lot of her time reacting to the outer world and being emotional about it, feeling angry when people don't are as she expect them to be, and in general is dependent upon everyone else to feel good. Being unconscious about this, and realizing that it isn't my responsibility to keep her happy (or anyone else for that matter), I have fed into this and neglected my own emotions and needs. Isn't it crazy that I'm at the age of 27 have to realize that I also have emotional needs? Well, better to realized it at 27 than to never realize it.
i am discovering/rediscovering who I am, and who I have been, and it's an interesting journey so far. Possibilities are going to open up, now that I know that I don't need to feel shameful about my needs, but can acknowledge them and then go out and fulfill them - the world is my oyster. I now know that my emotional needs are my responsibility and i ow my self to fulfill them, high and low. I'm getting to know my "emotional-self" more and more and it feels good.
If you go around trying to make other people happy/feel good/satisfy their needs you will:
1) Loose yourself, and what is important to you
2) Feed into other peoples victim mentality
3) Also become a victim as you may start depending upon other peoples emotional well-being
Ok I start to see clear signs that I am getting better. I still am sensitive to some people, especially my mom who have no sense of boundaries whatsoever, but instead of seeing her as the devil and en evil person, I start to see her as "just" a pain in the ass. Still a pain, but not as serious as before.
An example:
We are having dinner and afterwards I feel really tired, I go up to my room and she just have to follow into my room and tell me that I need to change the bedding (linnens, etc) in a way that it "needs to be done right now". But now, I have the strength to tell her that "I need to be alone right now for a while", not at all in an aggressive way, just telling the facts, while she become upset and get all "OOOH I AM SO SORRY" and rushes out from the room. This is just an example but it's pretty explanatory for how she is on a regular basis, constantly taking things personally, talking about how everyone else (mostly one of her friends) is only thinking about themselves and are egoistic, etc. Try to point out ways that my dad are "misbehaving" (it don't really get to him though, he have just learned to take her for who she is), etc. But for me, right now, it's dreadful to live in. But I have survived so far, and started to be able to have some emotional integrity and enforce boundaries that I need, so I will be alright.
This is my everyday life with her. I am glad that I can start putting up boundaries, before I didn't had the strength/courage/whatever to do so, or maybe I didn't realize that I should do it. Anyway, sign that things are improving. Now I am heading out to the gym
For some reason (I guess it's not about me, but her own issues) my mom blames me for something. It shows, by her trying to make me feel guilty over different things, such as just being at home.
I have hit a burn-out and have not been able to work, been very tired, had low energy and so forth. I have spending some time at home to recover, and have soon hit full recovery.
Yesterday I finally had the guts to go against her, previously I have just folded down when accused or got angry, which resulted in that she "won". She is somewhat a manipulator and tries to make people think in a certain way, even though she is not always successful. With me, when I was emotionally weak, she took advantage of me and carried out her bad behavior because she noticed I couldn't "fight back" or it made me angry which make her feel in control, which in her victim mentality make her feel better.
Anyway, we were sitting at the dinner table, I'm doing something at my computer and she on her iPhone. She laughed at something and I saw it as an opportunity to open up some conversation and asked what it was, and she get's defensive as usual, but told me what it was (instead of opening up and having a laugh together). She then, as always, start asking something that is hard to me to talk about - when are you going to start to work? Not in a friendly way, but in a way like "you lazy fuck you don't do anything". And i tell her my honest answer that "I don't know yet" and she gets traction and starts with her whole "you should get help" which usually make me really upset as it's more like an order rather than an sincere intention that she want me to feel better. Like she is disappointed in some way. And she goes on with something like "you are a burden here at home" and then I did what I haven't in a long while I stood up for myself and asked "how? I am not throwing stuff around me here at home, I am not being an asshole, I am an easy person to have around" and I didn't say it just to prove my point, it was an honest reply. She goes silent, and the tension was high, she got angry and after a while she calmed down in a sort of accepting way. Don't really know what happened here on a deeper level, but I just was tired of always taking her bullshit that she throws around and expect people to buy into. She is so damn used to people not taking their stand because she is a pain in the ass that she just goes on and on sometimes.
Damn, can't people just sort out their own f*cking problems so they aren't a pain in the ass for the world around them? Where is the f*cking sense of responsibility?
It feels like I am coming back from have been in another world (I am totally serious). I have felt like I have been somewhere else, not being able to communicate to other people what I was thinking or feeling, like I was trapped inside my body watching my life float by in front of my eyes, shut out, alone. I start to realize what the hell I have been through, but it's still hard to grasp and digest. But I am coming out from it.
Seeing one of the later episodes of black mirror the "black hotel" gave me something to relate to, the claustrophobic experience, feeling trapped inside oneself is the same feeling I got watching it. My mind is coming back to me, and I am starting to see the light in the tunnel.
I have had sensations of that "space" is opened up inside of my during the last weeks and I am feeling more and more myself for every time it happens. It's like there is finally a place to "be" inside, like a place to relax in, where there was tension there is now space. Translated into the chakra-system it's my sacral chakra that is opening up, as I have read somewhere that it's name means "one's own base" and it's exactly what it feels that I am starting to get back. Someplace to "be" and "stand" on/in. Hard to describe for anyone not experiencing the lack of it.
Since a week back, I have started to do a 30 minute daily guided sleep meditation before going to bed, and I like doing it and it feels good afterwards. The guy who does the reading in the audio has a great voice to listen to, and I have use of doing a guided meditation, alongside the "regular" meditation I have done until today.
Link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8LIbeKQ60U
I have had sensations of that "space" is opened up inside of my during the last weeks and I am feeling more and more myself for every time it happens. It's like there is finally a place to "be" inside, like a place to relax in, where there was tension there is now space. Translated into the chakra-system it's my sacral chakra that is opening up, as I have read somewhere that it's name means "one's own base" and it's exactly what it feels that I am starting to get back. Someplace to "be" and "stand" on/in. Hard to describe for anyone not experiencing the lack of it. I'm less effected by other people's emotions, which makes sense as the sacral chakra is the "source" of our emotions.
I'm going on with the WHM every morning, and am going through a rough period right now. It's like my previous trauma and feelings of I have had sensations of that "space" is opened up inside of my during the last weeks and I am feeling more and more myself for every time it happens. It's like there is finally a place to "be" inside, like a place to relax in, where there was tension there is now space. Translated into the chakra-system it's my sacral chakra that is opening up, as I have read somewhere that it's name means "one's own base" and it's exactly what it feels that I am starting to get back. Someplace to "be" and "stand" on/in. Hard to describe for anyone not experiencing the lack of it. I'm less effected by other people's emotions, which makes sense as the sacral chakra is the "source" of our emotions.
I'm going on with the WHM every morning, and am going through a rough period right now. It's like my previous trauma and feelings of helplessness are surfacing which is highly disturbing.
Since a week back, I have started to do a 30 minute daily guided sleep meditation before going to bed, and I like doing it and it feels good afterwards. The guy who does the reading in the audio has a great voice to listen to, and I have use of doing a guided meditation, alongside the "regular" meditation I have done until today.
Link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8LIbeKQ60U
The journey continues. I'm starting to really overcome my PTSD, being able to be calm around other people, where they seriously stressed me out previously. My dad and mom both have their good sides, but they can be agitating to be around when being together. It's like they make each other worse of. And you can't just "be" and "chill" when they are around if you let them get to you. I think they are somewhat stressed themselves, don't know why, and giving in to their needs just make things go bad. So if I just care about my business, read my morning paper and don't care about their emotional cues that they want attention or so forth, things settle down. But before, I couldn't do that. I couldn't focus on my business because everything around me set me into a very disturbed mode, especially people who need attention. You can figure the nightmare situation I have been facing at home for a long time.
But as I said, I now can do things I couldn't before. I feel more comfortable in myself and in my body and can set the boundaries I need to stay healthy, previously there was no boundaries.
I can somewhat plan for the future, can keep a straight line of thinking and feel like I have a "congruent presence" in lack of a better description, rather than being drawn into different directions depending on things that happened around me before.
If anyone know that I talk about and read this, please leave a comment, would be awesome to know that someone reads what I write and just get some feedback on it. A bit of a monologue here.
Happy friday folks! Hope you all have had a good week and can have some rewarding rest and recreation during the weekend. I have a chill friday where I am reading a book I got today, tomorrow I'm off doing some skiing in the morning and then meeting up some friends for dinner in the evening.
I am feeling stronger, and not only stronger, but like I have a strength where I didn't have anything before. So the increase is from 0, which make it pretty significant. I'm starting to feel a slight desire and confidence in pursuing goals again, which I haven't felt in a very long time. This is the inner fire that I have missed so much, and knew I always had, but lost contact with. It's my solar plexus chakra, it's my core power, it's ME who is finally coming back again and who I have missed so incredibly. It's all the hard work I have put into Wim-hof, doing cold-showers and meditating that made me get in touch with this side of myself again. Inner fire, here I come. I'm back. I'm f*cking back.
On another note (I still live with my parents). I'm tired of them, more than ever. They are two idealistic, complaining people who have communication problems between them. My dad is incapable of listening, and my mom is clinging for attention and get upset when people don't listen to her. Good combo? Don't think so. At the moment, this is the best solution, so I have decided to put up with it, its bearable. But hell of annoying from time to time. I have a hard time to just relax, things feels on edge around me for some reason. My parents feel on edge around me. Like they don't know who I am. But I am not acting out weird or whatever, I just keep to myself a bit, and need some space. You could phantom that your parents maybe would give you that? Well, in my case, they are to busy with themselves and their idealistic viewpoints of things, that they can't see the forest for their own got damn trees. They are missing their son in front of them. Whatever. It's their problem. But sometimes they make it my problem, and that stuff I don't like, and it's not OK. Whatever, I have my room and my privacy and that is all that matters right now. I don't have to worry about money, that is a good thing. I have a warm place to stay, electricity, a computer, clothes, hell I don't have anything to really complain about. I'm fine. But they are still uneasy people to live with. They are loud, almost screaming at each other, fighting over pitty things. It's like it's never "calm and familiar" at home and now I know it's not my skewed perspective that interfere with that observation, but it's really their dysfunctional relationship and lack of cooperation, listening and understanding that make the situation havoc from time to time and break that calm water that should be as a baseline in a family home.
Felt good to put this on paper. Hope you who read have a good weekend!
I had some massive emotional release yesterday while driving in the car and listening to a song, I had to stop and cry for 10 minutes. Wow, it was really intense, like gasping-for-air crying and screaming and I felt totally empty for energy afterwards, a good feeling. I connected to myself in it.
Today I have felt lighter, having a easier time breathing in my meditation but I feel pretty "off" overall as I guess I am adjusting somewhat...
I also have felt sensations around my root chakra and I start to feel more "safe" in general in my surroundings, being able to relax, which have been impossible before. Also seen some improvement's in physical strength and ability to push myself when going out running.
Still have some problems with general confusion and irritability caused by other people.
I start to remember who I am, and who I have been. And how life should be. Other people didn't bother me. I had a plan, I had drive, I had ambition. Right now, the situation is different, people bother me, make me feel worried and their opinions are getting to much importance, but it's slowly changing back and I am getting back into the cockpit. People's opinions are their opinions, and if someone is really trying to put their opinion on you without your consent, it's probably not worth having. They only do it for their own sake, in a totally egoistical manner.
Just wanted to share something that made me a bit happy. At my local gym there is a dog that seems to be nervous and overall uncomfortable, withdrawn from people and often shaking. Earlier animals have seemed a bit withdrawn from me as I probably held some nervous energy which animals are pretty good at picking up, but today when I got into the gym and unloaded my stuff, the dog came up to me (it doesn't come up to other people from what I have seen) and seemed to feel safe around me, cuddled up at my leg and made himself comfortable. It made me happy and felt as some indication of my progress
Overall a pretty good day today! Feeling stronger and more centered (you don't know how happy I am to be able to say this, to be "strong" or "centered" have been so far away from what I felt, that it almost seemed impossible to reach).
I haven't been posting in a while, had some problem with a "authorization mismatch" when using chrome, but it apperently work when using firefox.
I have been going on with my daily routine, and also started practising Kundalini Yoga, which I really like.
I have been feeling connection to my root chakra again during my meditations, which have taken a long while, so much tension to work through to get back to it. Much fear coming up when working on it. Cracking in my trailbone and around that area (Which feels really good).
Have some kind of adjustment as I felt very dizzy and out of it today so I had to go and lay down.
Still feel insecure in my self, in my body and in life in general, but as I manage to heal my root chakra I feel those issues will subside and confidence take it's place.
Feeling that my sacral chakra is opening up, more in contact with my emotions and also my sexuality
My solar plexus chakra is still pretty closed up, not so much social confidence which this chakra takes care of, but it's getting better. Same with willpower
Heart chakra is opening up and I am feeling more peaceful and open to love
Throat chakra still pretty tight, but opening up in meditation, tense muscles and neck pain but still better, don't voice my mind as much as I maybe should
Third eye still blocked but starting to get a grip of the blockage and feeling that I can unblock it, intuition low
crown chakra , blocked, but massage is helping (my masseuse is also a healer, so he does healing of third eye and crown on the end of every session) - i still feel pretty confused and some depression in this area, hard to get a big-picture on stuff
What sub u r using right now buddy?
(03-14-2018, 01:31 PM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]What sub u r using right now buddy?
No one right now, I have tried listening, but as soon as I put it on it just make me feel very uneasy
I am reading a new book called Sensorimotor psychotherapy, and finally I have found something where I can get help putting how I feel into words. It feels like I really found something that I believe in and feels "right" for me.
Maybe I'll look into going to a educated professional in the method, but right now I don't feel like it.
I feel much at ease and not safe in general, and the book describe this as caused by the "trauma" system in the body. I can feel shaky, weak, and just fearful. More feelings of this now than before, I believe I got in touch with it by meditation and yoga. But I can somewhat cope with it, but not around other people. I withdraw, and just feel overwhelmed. But I feel more in contact with my body and my legs, and feeling more grounded, but at the same time weak and fearful.