I'm both amazed by and grateful for how E2 can take me from a state close to panic anxiety and confusion when I wake up to being calm and feeling peaceful inside in just about one hour. My breathing slows down, I can breathe more fully and the area around my chest is relaxed.
I'm becoming more "don't give a f*ck" - a mode I have been so far away of being able to be because of so much damn fear. I am getting more grounded, and caring less about what people think of me. It's freeing, even if the process goes little by little.
Soo i just woke up from a nightmare where I was lobotimized. That was seriously probably the most frightening nightmare I've have ha . I woke up with huge fear in my body but I just stayed gith it. Obviously my subconscious is really afraid of something that E2 is working on. Before the nightmare I hanged around with my friends abroad and had a great time, going on adventures, taking risks, and talking to girls (I even mistakenly u hooked a beautiful girls bra in the escalator, lol). But also helped injured people but it all felt good. Until my friends told me the one of my friends mtven't been there but they are fooled me in some way (then the lobotimy part started). Sorry for typos, writing on my phone.
Damn i really look forward to E3. I just hate the way my mom carries herself. Always in anger, shutting drawers to they are smashing and always in some kind of "oh everything I do should be pityed, I do so much for you" like all the f*cking time. I don't ask for that kind of stuff. I live at home. I have no choice. Get. Off. My. F*cking. Back. If the aura protection work that will be golden.
I know that I have a closed/underactive solar plexus chakra and that make it hard for me to set boundaries. But I am working on it every day. Cold showers help and I notice I can stand longer and longer in the cold water. Around 30-40 seconds now without feeling discomfort. I have problem doing the Wim Hof breatings as I feel to ungrounded to do them and just get dizzy and uncomfortable. But I am slowly feeling that the inner fire is getting ignited... I actually feel more and more sensations of warmth coming from my abdomen.
I read in the awakened empth about standing and looking at yourself for 5 minutes in the mirror and see what emotions that would come up. I did it, after a while I started to breathe deeply and then just started laughing at myself. I guess I'm taking thing a bit to seriously with life, this is my take away, lol.
During my evening meditation I felt this giggly sensation at my root Chakra. The feeling when you want to burst out laughing. I feel pretty good.
My mom as always is just a piece work to be around. She is literally as a child. Whatever. Not my responsibility aymore .
Just came home from a night out. I was out maybe a month ago, almost the same kind of night, but today things feels 100 times better. Things are still off. It doesn't feel like it should. I doesn't feel like I should. But it's better, and that's the only thing that count at the moment. I have had heck of a journey to get back and I am actually just glad to be alive and to have made it this far. And by have made it this far, I know I will make it all the way back, and further more. I will get happy, content, confident. That is my primary goal. I don't even engage in hitting on girls if I don't feel like it, I go out dancing for ME and doing what _I_ feel that I need, that is my only priority. Seriously. I hang out with friends and so on, but I don't feel any internal pressure to how I "should" behave. I just do whatever I need to do, and at this moment is just going out dancing the heck out of my own ass and it feels good. I am alright with where I am and I know I will get to where I am aiming. Emotional health and my own happiness is my full f*cking priority.
I though about how E2 actually have changed me, and to what degree. Something spurred that thought when sitting in the kitchen with my mother, and noticing how she can make me feel like I should ask her questions, cater her on some way - and I just noticed that sensation, the feeling or urge if you want, without having to respond to it. I then came to think about something that dr. Gabor Maté talks about (I have posted videos with him further back in the journal) that many of our behaviors are unconscious, and so ingrained in out daily lives, that we actually confuse them with who we are. He talks about it in the context of addicts, but it's just as relevant in how we treat ourselves in the presence of others. If we fall into behaviors that are not emotionally healthy, such as being codependent in my case and giving away my power, is also a kind of addiction. I think that E2 i helping me to change the underlying need that fuel this behavior, and helping me to find what I am looking for on the outside, on the inside. And by that changing the behaviors that I have for so long thought was "me", but really was just coping mechanisms in my unconscious mind brought by a deficit of self-esteam among other things.
I am having some kind of almost spiritual experience on E2 now. It feels like I am getting back in contact with who I have always been during all the years until now. All the sides that I have lost contact with. I am experiencing life with a greater intensity, with more presence, it's almost a bit overwhelming. A lot of sensations and feelings I have forgot about is coming back, like the feeling walking around hearing birds sing, or just the feeling of being alive, the feeling of watching the sun shine on a brick-building, all those stuff that make you feel in different ways are coming back, if slowly. I am getting back in touch with life and who I am, not the persona, which I have though that was _who I was_ but a person experiencing life.
Btw. My mom is a cynical egoistical bitch. I'm repelled by her, but I am still not angry or insensitive towards her. I am just present. Just fully f*cking present. In that way she can't get to me, because when I am present, there is no fear, I am facing everything that can happen and I am facing fear. During our family dinners she is trying to convey with her cynical world-view and trying to get my dad and I on the same ship, but I don't accept it anymore. I'm just present, and she feel my presence, and I know that she know what she is doing deep down, and that that shit isn't working like it did before. She will have to face herself. It will be harder and harder to try to hide, because before I was her confidant in agreeing in her cynical shit, and it have made me cynical. But I am outgrowing that stuff, I am seeing the wonderful thing with people and humanity, and I am not falling into thinking that people everywhere are just shallow assh*les as she believe down deep, just to protect her from facing her responsibility in life, in taking care of herself - because if everyone else are assh*les - then she can stay in that victimhood. But if people are actually wonderful and good, then the only person responsible for her life and how she feel is herself. But until she does that, she will stay cynical. The only thing that matter though, is that I don't have to anymore.
I am tired of being afraid and ruled by fear. It feels like I day by day conquer fear more and more. I'm really excited for E3 with FRM and the protective aura. Hope it will be out soon!
I bought and ran the Deep sleep insomnia aid this night for 3 loops. It really did manage to relax me and I released a ton of tensions thanks to it. This morning I woke up, feeling very agitated, irritated and just shitty. I meditated for half an hour and it feels better. I feel more connected to the world, not in a bubble like I use to feel in the beginning of the day, I feel more like myself. Irritated and agitated, but more connected and more like myself. I guess the sleep aid helped me to relax into my body more. I will continue use it when going to sleep.
I thought about what I wanted to run after E3 and I think that USLM would be a good alternative. I have somewhat fears related to my own success and a failure-mindset that I would like to overcome.
I have had the worst day for as long as I can remember today. Feeling very sad, lonely, scared, hopeless, angry, powerless, agitated. Allt at the same time, like everything is to hell and nothing is ever happening towards me becoming better. Like I am stuck and will always be here att his awful place. That I will not be able to take care of myself but will stay in this agitated state where I can't concentrate on anything for a longer period. Like I suck. Like I have nothing to offer.
Writing it out make it feel better and I somewhere know that this is not really true. But the feeling still remain and I'm just being in a very bad place today.
Feeling helluva bettre today in general and I'm excited for E3. I want to see how FRM going to hit and enjoy the effects of the protective aura, as I have a bit of a problem shielding out other peoples energies when around them, I'm hoping this will become easier with that.
In general, I have started to look forward to stuff more and more. Before I made plans with people and then was dreadful about them, worrying that I would say something that would kill the vibe or just be draining to other people. I worried a lot about just going to meet some friends and hang out, even just for a dinner with questions like - what should I talk about, etc (this haven't been my nature all the time, but following the depression - but still a big problem anyway...) - Now I more look forward to it and can picture how I will enjoy their company and get to know them or just chill out with my friends not putting so much pressure on myself and have an easier time to relax.
I am also slowly starting to overcome my guilt, the guilt that have driven me far too many times. And the guilt that have caused me to give away far too much of my energy to my mother who is an expert in victimhood - a guilt driven persons worst nightmare. I realize that I don't need to cater to her victimhood, that is her problem, and she has an ability to making her problem to everyones problem. Often by resorting to explanations like "you never do anything at home" which can be hard to answer if you are driven with guilt and already feel like you are in debt. And a further reflection of this feeling of guilt is that it probably come from growing up with a person who can't take responsibility for her life and putting the blame on other people instead. As childs we are pretty susceptible to other opinions and can't really differ from what is true and what is other peoples opinions, and thus I think that her behavior made me take on the blame for her problems, thus the guilt.
I can't describe the discust I hold toward my mother. When I sit at the dinner table I just feel that I hate her from my inner core, I can't really put words on why I feel it, but it just feels like she sucks the living energy out of me whenever I interact with her. Like she has a bond to me, a umbillical cord she uses to control my energy. But I just ignore her. Completely. That's the only thing I can do. I can't talk to her, I have tried, it never work. The only thing I can control, or try to control, is my own space. I really, really, need the protective aura from E3 right now.
Having a good day! Preparing my cross country skis for a relax race in about a month, I really enjoyed doing it! My mom is snarky and negative AS ALWAYS but I don't let it bring me down as much as before, I just ignore her, and her f*cking pity party. Let her have it, she deserve it after all the shit she has taken me through. Let her be in that hole and pity herself and feel like shit (I sound like a real assh*le but after what she has put me through you would understand my stand on my part in her well-being).
Next week would be 10 months of running E2. I have now decided to take a break just coming short of that milestone, to clear out for E3 which I hope to be released in a couple of weeks. I will probably write a testimonial on E2 later on when I have gotten things in perspective, but right now I can at least say that 10 months ago I was in a horrible situation, life was just painful, almost to painful to bear. I had problems being around people just taking the bus, don't knowing what to do with myself, social situations was almost impossible even though I pushed myself to them, I was constantly drained of energy, constantly worrying about the future and almost constantly having panic attacks - that was more a default than just being separate incidents. To sum up, my situation was horrible. 10 months later I am much more relaxed, can sleep alright, I'm able to use my mind to other things just than to tackle the constant worry coming from it, I can actually feel pretty good from time to time, I'm organizing get togethers with old and new friends, I think less of my ex girlfriend(s) and I am feeling more alright with being alone, I look forward to doing stuff rather than just having to force myself to do them. My meditation practise is steadily becoming better and better. I am in pretty good physical shape. E2 have helped much, most with being a refuge in finding relaxation even in the most stormy waters I have been through, and also helping to clear out blockages inside, tension in my body. And probably in helping me finding hope in the darkest moments and a bit of positivity.
Some things I hope to achieve during the coming 2019 with the help of E3 and the other tools I am using to improve my life:
- Becoming more grounded, and have more defined boundaries between myself and others
- Having a clear direction of what I want to do
- Have more proactivity towards doing what I want to do
- Have more close friendships
- Be less affected by other peoples energies and what they think
- Becoming more confident and relaxed in social situations
- Pursuing my passion in music
- Being able to handle work in a balanced way and enjoying it
- Pursuing some kind of side-business
I notice that I get really angry when around my parents. Like everything they do is making me angry. And I thought about it, is it me, or is it actually something that they do or some energy they project that make me angry? I know that my mother is a egoistical bitch who blame everyone around her, and that is the energy that I think make me angry. She is trying to put a blame on me for not taking responsibility in the home, I do what I can and I try to pull my own weight, which is about what I can do at the moment. But she is bitching all the freaking time, she is NEVER satisfied with anything, it's always some kind of f*cking problem, and I am so sick of that way of living your life and making the lives of everyone else around you miserable.
When I was a small kid we installed a RCD at our house because I was biting the wiring all the time but the electrician messed up with the wiring and our house was caught on fire. When telling this story she is implying that it was my fault that the fire started, when in the case it was the misstake from the electrician. That way of telling the story tells all about her. She is a freaking motherf*cking discusting b*tch who I wouldn't drop a tear if she got hit by a train. It just make me SO F*CKING ANGRY. BLUH. F*cking bitch go and die somewhere would you?
And this f*cking way of living her life and blaming everyone around her and blaming me foremost for everything, rubbs of on my dad I believe, as he don't have the balls to stand up to her, really, but let her go with her BS explanaitions of everything. And he somehow around her falls in the pitfall of blaming me for stuff that I shouldn't be blamed for. He is a really nice guy and I love my father, but she brings bad influence upon him and he doesn't really use his own thinking from time to time but falls into her logic because of her manipulative ways with fear and other toxic emotions. So F*CK HER all the way, I will become totally independent of that raging f*cking bitch one day and I will distance myself from her as much as I can, and I am so freaking much look forward to that day, to the freedom of being able to tell her to go f*ck herself without needing to take the consequenses from it, but right now I am living at home and can't really take those consequenses. But one day, my ladies and gentlemen, that woman will hear the words that have gone way to long unspoken and then I will be free from her f*cking terror and live my life freely and happily without having to go around catering a grown womens emotional needs.
Now it's time to go to the gym and hit the shit out of a punching bag to be able to deal with this day.
I don't know if it's TID from E3 but the latest days I have felt a shift, I can't really trace back to how it felt before, but I know that something have changed. I feel positive, like the future look good, like things are going to be fine. I went for some cross-skiing today, and I enjoyed it. I can't remember when I enjoyed doing something last time. Seriously.
I feel, apart for some exceptions (see above) that I can distance myself more from other people and their problems and negativity.