Hi there!
I have released a lot of tension around the root chakra area during meditation and TRE-exercises. Some have been really painful in a physical sense, and I think there is some more to do in that area. I feel more grounded, and not so much affected by other people, especially around my mom, the situation have improved tremendously.
I also started to listen to E2 (listening right now). And it works! Before I could not listen because it felt like my head would explode from the tension, but now I feel tired in my eyes and mind, but it feels good in my body, or at least not bad. Great landmark! And I am glad about it, as I really think that E2 can help with my healing, one more tool to use.
And I found an amazing youtube-channel with a guy who I really like, talkning about healing, how to deal with narcisssists and just general perosnal development. I'll share it with you, take a look, you wont be dissapointed, he is really on point on a lot of stuff.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16WtoFrlQRk
This video is the best one I've seen from him so far, but he have a lot of good stuff in his channel.
Day 4 listening to E2. Listening between 1-3 loops per day.
I feel emotionally calmer when I listen, like my emotions relax. I sometimes breathe differently, taking longer breaths and I think I release stress when doing so. It feels overall a bit good just to listen to it, like it helps me with what I need help with - mainly relaxation.
Went out to a concert yesterday and I really enjoyed most part of it, had some moments of feeling dull, but also many moments feeling happy and content and enjoying the music. Hanged out with some friends before and it felt pretty OK. Had dinner with another friend before that and we had some good conversations, where I didn't get "stuck in my head" as I have been previously but could listen to what he was saying and replying to stuff in a normal manner. I felt like myself more or less (woho!).
One strange thing happened yesterday at the concert that I would like to share just for the fun of it. I was standing behind a girl and suddenly I felt "in the zone" and thought/felt/sent out signals that I would really like to make out with her (can everyone do this? Like you want something and you translate your thoughts into "energies" that you send out?). A guy next to her (probably her friend or something) then leaned into her and I overheard him saying (make out with the guy behind you and I'll by you a drink (or something like that), but as she turned around and looked for who he was referring to, I lost the "in the zone"-feeling and when she asked him who he ment, he told her that he was joking, like he changed his mind... interesting.
Had some scary dreams tonight about some kind of apocalypse and aliens, can't remember more than that and that it was pretty scary.
Woke up tonight feeling more fearful than I can remember ever being. I was genuinely afraid that someone would come into my room and kill me, even though that I reassured myself that it was preposterous. And this morning I felt cleared in some way. More peaceful and calm. My sinuses also hurt as hell, don't know if it's just allergies or some clearing going on.
Today something actually remarkable happened. I had a good discussion with my mother. I can't remember when I had that. I could finally see her perspective again, and not just become defensive when we spoke, and she could put out her points and we could come to some agreement, discussing, lively, but peacefully.
I feel a deep sense of anger and desire to live, to not be pushed around, to make it, to break through challenges. I'm coming back. I'm tired of peoples bullshit in general, their coward way of doing things, of beating around the bush, of being fake, of taking advantage of others, of being f*cking assholes. This ends now. Not on my fucking watch, at least not to me. Someone thinking of trying to take advantage of me should think not just once but twice about even trying. Come and try me motherf*cker.
I just had a really good talk with my therapist about my problems with my mother and my previous relationship.
I have always been really good at "reading" other people and understanding what they feel, and this stems from my relationship with my mother. I have not been feeling comfortable with feeling my own emotions, as she is very reactive on that and can't acknowledge other people emotions, and have not affirmed my emotions. Therefore I have developed a reluctancy towards my own emotions and focus more on other peoples emotions.
Talking about this really triggered something in me, a deep anger towards my mother for how she have treated me. How she have manipulated me because of her own insecurities, and her need to "spread her world view" as I put it. That shit really is really deep down with me, it's an infinginment of my self.
I know that I like myself, but I have always felt somewhat uncomfortable with that. Partly because of my mother but also because of my previous girlfriend, who also was insecure and wanted me to "adore her".
Really good session, interesting and it helped me to reach some deeper stuff that I have not been able to process or reach before.
And this anger, I know it will guide me back to myself and will protect me from that kind of behavior. I really feel it in me, but also towards all those f*ckers out there who mess with other peoples way of living, just because they are so insecure themselves.
I had a pretty intense experience this night. I woke up a couple of hours after getting to bed, consumed by fear for something I don't know what it was. But I was there, I felt myself, even if it was scary. I know that I was me, even though that I have been under water for a long time, now I was there, and I was scared. But I faced the fear and just went with it. Today I feel more like myself.
I can really feel how E2 is healing me, this morning I woke up super tired and dreadful, and when putting on E2 for 1 hour, I could feel how the area around my heart was soothed, and afterwards I felt I had more energy and felt better! I have been listening for almost 3 weeks.
I'm making progress in coming in contact with my body with the TRE-exercises, and feel that the vibrations/tension releasing is getting more profound and intense. Feel like I am close in on some kind of break-through!
Hi therere,
I know that I am bitching a lot about my mother over here, and I am doing so to my therapist also, but what the hell, I need the ventilation somewhere, right?
My mom have been away for 10 days and it have been amazing. Now she is back, and just her presence make me full of anger. It triggers something in me, her whole behavior, her being so smart, righteous, and talking to me like a child. Her manipulative tricks she use on my dad, even though it doesn't affect him so much, it still make him seek validation from her from time to time. She is making people aronud her weaker, just because she need validation on her weak world view. Everyone need to suffer as she does, because then it can't be anything wrong with her. She could never go see someone to "work on herself" just to cry out about all her problems. When you ask her, she gets all defensive and run away.
F*ck I am sorry, I know she is my mother and all, but I really have big problems with that women because of how she treats people.
10 days, it was nice, I needed it to recover. To become stronger and more versatile towards her attacks. Im going to be a bitch back now, really. Not in the way she is, but more in like "takign care of myself" and not satisfying her needs, and being afraid of the consequensse and her becoming angry just because you say no to her. This is my time, and I am not getting sucked into that again. I'm going to hold my ground when I need to.
So.. a lot of anger, but I am trying to use the anger to heal myself in someway
(05-24-2018, 10:13 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]Hi therere,
I know that I am bitching a lot about my mother over here, and I am doing so to my therapist also, but what the hell, I need the ventilation somewhere, right?
My mom have been away for 10 days and it have been amazing. Now she is back, and just her presence make me full of anger. It triggers something in me, her whole behavior, her being so smart, righteous, and talking to me like a child. Her manipulative tricks she use on my dad, even though it doesn't affect him so much, it still make him seek validation from her from time to time. She is making people aronud her weaker, just because she need validation on her weak world view. Everyone need to suffer as she does, because then it can't be anything wrong with her. She could never go see someone to "work on herself" just to cry out about all her problems. When you ask her, she gets all defensive and run away.
F*ck I am sorry, I know she is my mother and all, but I really have big problems with that women because of how she treats people.
10 days, it was nice, I needed it to recover. To become stronger and more versatile towards her attacks. Im going to be a bitch back now, really. Not in the way she is, but more in like "takign care of myself" and not satisfying her needs, and being afraid of the consequensse and her becoming angry just because you say no to her. This is my time, and I am not getting sucked into that again. I'm going to hold my ground when I need to.
So.. a lot of anger, but I am trying to use the anger to heal myself in someway
If you're playing her game, you're already losing.
(05-24-2018, 11:00 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ] (05-24-2018, 10:13 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]Hi therere,
I know that I am bitching a lot about my mother over here, and I am doing so to my therapist also, but what the hell, I need the ventilation somewhere, right?
My mom have been away for 10 days and it have been amazing. Now she is back, and just her presence make me full of anger. It triggers something in me, her whole behavior, her being so smart, righteous, and talking to me like a child. Her manipulative tricks she use on my dad, even though it doesn't affect him so much, it still make him seek validation from her from time to time. She is making people aronud her weaker, just because she need validation on her weak world view. Everyone need to suffer as she does, because then it can't be anything wrong with her. She could never go see someone to "work on herself" just to cry out about all her problems. When you ask her, she gets all defensive and run away.
F*ck I am sorry, I know she is my mother and all, but I really have big problems with that women because of how she treats people.
10 days, it was nice, I needed it to recover. To become stronger and more versatile towards her attacks. Im going to be a bitch back now, really. Not in the way she is, but more in like "takign care of myself" and not satisfying her needs, and being afraid of the consequensse and her becoming angry just because you say no to her. This is my time, and I am not getting sucked into that again. I'm going to hold my ground when I need to.
So.. a lot of anger, but I am trying to use the anger to heal myself in someway
If you're playing her game, you're already losing.
I try not to, but she is still affecting me.
I having a lot of anger coming up right now, don't know why it's coming from but that doesnt matter. It feels empowering in some way. I had a stupid argument yesterday where my mom "asked me" but I felt it was more "told me" to get her an ashtray but I told her to get it herself. Maybe it was unneccessary, i don't know, but I felt that she did it in a bad way.
My dad got really upset as he can't take any conflict, and told me it was done badly after all she has done, blablabla. but doing the laundry doesn't make it OK for you to treat people in a bad way. So I stand by my action, even though it may upset my dad. I told him that I felt she treated me badly and I think he somewhat understand that.
What do you think?
E2 is really amazing, today I found myself in almost a state of nervous break-down (for no particular reason, just feeling extremelly unwell) and after listening 1 hour to E2 I can really feel how the subliminal is helping me to calm down and heal whatever it is that is causing me the distress. I'm confident that I will be fully healed in just a couple of months with this.
It's also really effective, I just listen 1 or 2 loops per day.
Right now I am in some kind of "healing limbo". I feel more like myself but I don't get anything around me, things are just..different. I don't know how to relate to people or my life in general, it's weird, but I guess it is some kind of indication that things are shifting inside me and my perspective is beginning to shift. Will be interesting to follow, but right now I feel pretty lost, which doesn't have any positive vibe, but more neutral and confused.