Always ready to read into other people of how they felt to make them feel comfortable. Not say things that would make them feel bad, or act in a way that they wouldn't go in line with who they wanted me to be. Anticipating other people's needs all the time, but that is the past. I have made a change. I no longer put all of my energy of how other people feel, and try to adapt to their needs, because I have my own needs that need to be taken care of. And that is the only motivation I need for doing that, I don't need to justify it. Not right now. The change is going to be made first. It may become weird at times, and I will probably go over the line sometimes, but that will be needed to create the balance that I need. As long as I listen to what I need in the moment things will work out. Little by little.
Because I am tired of always doing what other people want to do. I don't know who I am because I don't know what i want. It's not my job to keep you comfortable. That is your job - not mine. As long as I am not making you uncomfortable by choice, I have no responsibility for you.
I'm starting to get more centered for every day and with it comes a new more sound perspective, and I am more at ease carrying myself through the day.
- My mother have a serious case of victim mentality which characterize most of the things she do and how she act. She can be manipulative, discouraging and overall unpleasant, and she somehow manage to make you feel like it's your fault, which I sometimes have believed, which only further make other peoples behavior encourage her state of being a victim and at the same time make myself feel really shitty. But I am starting to stop following those cues, and being more centered in myself. This morning when I was reading the morning paper and having my breakfast, not wanting to be disturbed but sitting there reading in my own peace, she started asking me some question, and as I was consumed by reading an article and eating my breakfast, and struggling to stay centered around other people (which is a problem especially around my mom, I have a hard time just focusing on eating and reading the paper). Whatever, I don't make a big deal of it, but anyway she tries to put me off balance, clearly, and as I continue to stay reading my paper, she continues until I can't take it anymore. It's hard to describe to anyone not have experienced it, but it's like you get "sucked away" from yourself all the time, and some people enjoy doing this. They just want to get your attention, that is all they care about. When they can't get it as they want, they continue until you loose it or they finally understand they can't access it, until it's done on your terms. It reminds me the way that an author describe how dogs act when not raised properly. Anyway, I lost it this time and had to go away from my meal and head outside to put of some steam. My dad saw what happened and corrected her for her behavior.
- I have been contributing to this behavior by previously taken a role of being a care-taker of her and in term adapter my behavior to hers in this case, which have done nothing but keeping up the behavior and indirectly encouraging it.
I'm getting closer and closer to that state of internal "peace" that I have longed for, for so long. When things get calm, I can get a grip of things and not feel that faint of distress that have been there for a long time. Finally the battle is getting towards an end, or at least a huge sub-goal in my journey (using big words and metaphors here because it is that big for me). My relationship with my dad is finally getting back towards the equilibrium that have always been there. I'm starting to have a relationship to myself again. I don't go around and just feel whatever other people are feeling anymore.
Short story, things are turning to the better. My mind is starting to clear up as well, and I'm getting more energy, finding inspiration and direction, hope and maybe some confidence as well.
The momentum that I have worked on for almost 6 months have started to accumulate and I can almost focus fully on getting better, not getting dragged into anxiety, worry and other constructive behavior and thinking. I'm catching speed on my forward gear
Update!
Have had some really good releases since last, crying deeply without no reason, just releasing all that I have been carrying around. I feel that I have more energy and starting to feel "stronger" in my core. Have easier time to focus, my thoughts feel more consistent, more creativity, less anxiety, better sleep. Also had some good shakes in doing the trauma releasing exercises.
The biggest change is probably that I am more present being "myself" rather than being closed into my thoughts. I feel like I have emerged from myself into life, and keep doing that little by little.
I need some input one one thing, so if anyone reading this have any thoughts please share!
I have some people in my life that make me feel worse off for some reason, and it's like their emotional state affect me. Like I am "open" to other peoples emotions, rather than just acknowledging them, I can actually feel them in my chest. Maybe this is just a phase-thing, a thing inside of me that need to be repaired. But whatever these people do they make me feel worse. I hate it, I hate them, and I hate myself for being this affected by them. Life is NOT a problem, don't make it a problem, and certainly don't make it MY problem. I want to go off into my day and only get down by my own problems, not other peoples moods. What the fuck? They are other people, and their emotions shouldn't be my problem. I hate loud people, that crave attention, loud or not, just people who need attention and really sucking out that little emotional energy that I have. When tired I became reactive, irritated and angry.
Is it my heart chakra that need further healing?
TLDR: I have problems separating my own emotions from other peoples emotions, big problem, what should i do?
On another note, my solar plexus is healing, and I am feeling an "inner fire" coming up in my exercise, more core power and energy.
My upper 2 chakras are also healing and the mist of confusion is clearing somewhat, my vision is improving and my cognitive abilities to. The blockage in these two have made it impossible for me to run any subliminals as turning them on make the muscles in my head tense and make me really uncomfortable, why I have the current "sub-break". I however thing that I would be benefited by running E2 to solve some of the problems mentioned above.
Also my root chakra is healing as I feel more connected to my body and so is my sacral chakra as i noticed more creativity en relaxation in my body.
(11-06-2017, 02:03 AM)sanacrushnyako Wrote: [ -> ]<div style="width: 100%; height: 1px; overflow: hidden"><p><a href="http://www.agri.com.au/?s=%EC%B0%BD%EC%9B%90%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC+%E3%82%82%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC%EC%93%B0%E3%82%82+%EC%B0%BD%EC%9B%90%ED%9C%B4%EA%B2%8C%ED%85%94+%E2%93%9E%E2%93%9F%E2%93%A2%E2%93%A2%E2%91%A0.%E2%93%9D%E2%93%94%E2%93%A3++%EC%B0%BD%EC%9B%90%EB%A7%88%EC%82%AC%EC%A7%80+%EA%B2%BD%EC%A3%BC+%EC%97%AC%EC%9E%90%EC%B9%9C%EA%B5%AC+%EC%B4%88%EC%95%84+%EC%B0%BD%EC%9B%90%EA%B1%B4%EB%A7%88" target="_blank">창원마사지</a></p><p><a href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/search/?q=%E3%80%8C%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC%E3%80%8D%E2%80%BB%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC%EC%93%B0%E2%80%BB%E3%80%8C%CE%9Fpss5%E3%80%82%C4%8D%CF%86M%E3%80%8D+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%ED%9C%B4%EA%B2%8C%ED%85%94+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9COP+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%EA%B1%B4%EB%A7%88+TRAP+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%ED%9C%B4%EA%B2%8C%ED%85%94+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%EA%B1%B4%EB%A7%88+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%EA%B1%B4%EB%A7%88+%EB%B6%80%EC%B2%9C%ED%9C%B4%EA%B2%8C%ED%85%94"target="_blank">부천오피</a></p><p><a href="http://www.waitrosegifts.com/search/%EB%8F%84%EB%B4%89%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC+%E3%81%99%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC%EC%93%B0%E3%81%99+%EB%8F%84%EB%B4%89%EA%B1%B4%EB%A7%88+%EC%9E%A5%EC%95%88+%EC%8B%9C%EB%B2%A0%EB%A6%AC%EC%95%84+%E3%80%8E%CF%86%E3%80%8FpSs%E3%80%8E1%E3%80%8F%EB%8B%B7nEt+%EB%8F%84%EB%B4%89%EB%A7%88%EC%82%AC%EC%A7%80+%EB%8F%84%EB%B4%89%ED%9C%B4%EA%B2%8C%ED%85%94" target="_blank">도봉오피</a></p><p><a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/quicksearch/?quicksearch=%E6%9C%88%EC%8B%A0%EC%B4%8C%EA%B1%B4%EB%A7%88%E6%9C%88+opSs%E3%80%8A1%E3%80%8B%E3%80%8E%EB%8B%B7NET%E3%80%8F+%5B%EC%8B%A0%EC%B4%8C-%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC%EC%8A%A4%5D+%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC%EC%93%B0+%EC%8B%A0%EC%B4%8C%ED%9C%B4%EA%B2%8C%ED%85%94+%EC%8B%A0%EC%B4%8C%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC+%EC%8B%A0%EC%B4%8COP+%EC%8B%A0%EC%B4%8C%EB%A7%88%EC%82%AC%EC%A7%80&qs_version=NIV"target="_blank">신촌오피</a></p><p><a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/search/?query=%EB%B6%80%EC%82%B0%ED%9C%B4%EA%B2%8C%ED%85%94+%E3%80%8C%E2%97%88+%CE%9Fpss5%E3%80%82%C4%8D%CF%86M+%E2%97%88+%E3%80%8D+%E3%82%A4%EB%B6%80%EC%82%B0OP%E3%82%A4+%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC%EC%93%B0+%EC%98%A4%EC%82%B0+%EC%8A%A4%ED%83%80%ED%82%B9+%EC%9C%A0%ED%82%A4+%EB%B6%80%EC%82%B0%EC%98%A4%ED%94%BC+%EB%B6%80%EC%82%B0%EA%B1%B4%EB%A7%88+%EB%B6%80%EC%82%B0%EB%A7%88%EC%82%AC%EC%A7%80" target="_blank">부산오피</a></p></div>
Ni hao
hi man,
i had a thought come up, i dont know if your open to this but carrying Black Tourmaline, Magnetite and maybe rose quartz can help you with this.
these stones are protective and rose quartz also helps with the heart chakra and with negative feelings around you.
cheers,
Griffin
(11-06-2017, 02:16 PM)Griffin Wrote: [ -> ]hi man,
i had a thought come up, i dont know if your open to this but carrying Black Tourmaline, Magnetite and maybe rose quartz can help you with this.
these stones are protective and rose quartz also helps with the heart chakra and with negative feelings around you.
cheers,
Griffin
Hey man! Thanks for letting out some recommendations, really appreciate it.
I tried stones a while back actually but I just got attached to the thought of them so I stopped and went "al natural" even though that they provided somewhat a comfort.
Anyway, things are better. Up and downs but overall better!
My mom is still as she is, but what I wrote a couple of days ago, is now not such a big problem. I have more and more contact with my own emotions. I sat in my car, and just breathed today, and took a deep breath and let out something that I have been carrying around. Slowly it's getting better, it really is.
My mom is wanting me to behave in a specific way, to be more empathetic towards her, more understanding, more blablabla. And in a ordinary setting with someone else I could totally take this seriously. But with her I have stopped getting involved with her "request" as I have learned the hard way it's just her way of trying to influence me to fit into her world. I have changed and I am not the person she thinks I am, but she cannot really accept this for some reason. So I have just changed to care for my own well-being. I have almost given up trying to explain to her that I need to be free to behave in any way that I feel I need to, and not behave accordingly to her needs (I am certainly not a douchebag or something like that, I just keep most of the time to myself, read books, etc-) it's just that she want "her son" to be as she "need him to be". She is codependent and suck the air out of you and are not at all aware of your needs (ironic as she want you to satisfy hers), which is really draining. Anyway I am happy I have come to this realization and been able to change my behavior towards what I need more and more and created a new dynamic for myself. Not letting other people such as my mom, who in the end
only care for her own needs control who I am or what I do.
I don't allow myself to get upset by things that other people are upset about, why should I? Easy logic, but this change in way to behave have taken some time and effort to reach, but is now rewarding for myself and my emotional well-being, rather than trying to get other people happy all the time, which is a real waste of energy and time.
Side note: Really think my root chakra is opening up, as I could feel my whole body when I stood in the shower today and felt secure in it. Not 100 % but a great improvement.
PS.
I realized that I needed to blow some more steam of the issue with my mother so I really can get into the core of it. I am so
damn tired of that everything she do has a ulterior motive, and if she don't get as she want she get angry and throw around curse-words about me, my dad and our house, that we suck that she is enslaved in the house, etc. She isn't. We just don't want to have anything to do with her. I don't want to help her with cooking because she is just draining to be around, same goes with everything. When she is gone on vacation etc we have a chill time, but when she comes back she just start to complain about EVERYTHING. Everything is about her and her problems. All the motherf*cking time, for f*ck sake.
After some meditation on the matter some thoughts/insights came to me:
My mom- My mom is hoping that when I get well, I will be able to support her emotionally and then everything will be OK
- This scenario is never going to happen. She will need to face her own inner problems just as I have, and a lot of other people to. But I suspect she will never do it.
- That is not my repsonsibility to see after
The girl I am seeing- A girl I have been meeting for a while, which I like (because I like people) but have had a hard time to "bond" with, may show some tendencies of "only thinking about your own needs"-symptome.
- I have thought that we haven't bonded more deeply even though we have been hanging out for a while now, was my fault, due to low self-esteem casued by my depression
- I however now start to understand that I am a pretty likeable guy and have been so until shit hit the fan and I started to get my thinking off track. I know from past experience that I have an easy time to bond with different type of people
- When I have hanged out with this girl, I become someone else, more self-centered, caring for my onw needs, irrtable - I don't like this perosn
- She has shown some big problems when I have tried to talk about our relationship and need constant confirmation about my dedication towards it, which I however have told not to speak until I feel it
- I understand that she is not the right girl for me now that I am writing this
My Ex- I also realize my ex was a self-centered girl caring for her own needs, being needy and needing constant confirmation
Overall- I am glad that I have come to this realizations as I now finally can be able to change the circumstances
- I start to remember that I am a great guy but have just forgotten it and I have no reasons for having low self-esteem
Next week I have done 15 weeks of Wim Hof and will try to do a short review of how it have affected me. Spoiler: very much!
I am growing more and more alike my old self, my regular self. I'm climbing out of the depression and becoming more sociable, starting to enjoy the company of others and myself. Getting out of the habit of finding a solution for everything, and just being normal you know, not stressing up for small things or about how people act around me. I'm getting somewhat more of a inner peace.
I am also having more energy, feeling a drive towards doing stuff, going to the gym, doing some boxing on the sack, reading some books, meeting people, etc.
I am releasing tension in my body and have less pain in my back and neck.
Getting a hold of stuff.
Good momentum. Feels good. More connected to my emotions. More connected to myself, and having a sound perspective on my surroundings, not getting dragged into "distress mode" as I did before.
I need some input on some things.
People around me are acting weird, and it is somewhat bugging me. Just because I am not the outgoing myself all the time, but a bit more closed off (but still very much outgoing compared to many others) doesn't mean they need to act weird around me, right?
My dad is just...weird sometimes. I don't get a hold of it. He is being complaining, and I just don't have the energy to talk to him, he make me irritated, have problem listening, just talking about things that are relevant to him and have a hard time to get another perspective.
My mom is also acting weird, and feels like she is scared of me or "don't know who I am anymore" but I am just my old self.
I can't take up the issues as it just make things weirder, so I just try to get on with my life and make sure that I am OK (which I haven't been for a good while, but now starting to become, so all good emotions I try to work on).
They somewhat live in their own perspective of things. They have decided that "this is how it is" and have problem to see "what is". They can't see how I am improving and feeling better, that things are turning better, but they are so damn entrenched in their own emotions that they miss the whole point of stuff. I just don't know what I should do about it, I feel it's my responsibility. I don't know how to act, who to be, how to be natural at home. F*cking f*cking f*cking sh*t f*ck!!!! The situation pisses me off and I don't know what to do about it. Probably just rest it out and focus on becoming better and that is all that I can do. It can't be my responsibility to make people feel good about everything, they have to come to me and talk to me sometimes. I don't have the energy to go out and fix stuff, especially not when they have decided that I am someone who I am not....
Whatever. Well not whatever. My family have been a great source of joy to me and the situation is just upside down. The family situation is thrown of course, but it doesn't have to be if everyone just TOOK A CHILL PILL and calmed down and didn't get to wound up in their own emotions so damn much. I just can't be around my mom and dad when they talk to each other sometimes.
BLUH
It feels worse than what I can describe in text.
Put ur parents on E1. Buy a cheap mono speaker and let it run sub 24*7. Sometimes we need to fix stuff outside also. The world won't change on its own. I think I did ask u to do that before months ago.
I put my parents on E1 and they don't know and they are now in much better position than it was before
(11-24-2017, 03:24 PM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]I just don't know what I should do about it, I feel it's my responsibility. I don't know how to act, who to be, how to be natural at home. F*cking f*cking f*cking sh*t f*ck!!!! The situation pisses me off and I don't know what to do about it.
There is a book called "Cutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents" written by Howard Halpern (cheap as kindle edition or used).
While I dont agree with all of the authors points, there are also interesting real life examples from his clients of family situations and their role in it and what happened when the clients began to change their behaviour (which reminds me of your current situation - you are changing and your parents notice it and also change their behaviour. Maybe try to get you to change back to old behaviour).
Maybe the book can give you a few interesting insights.
Thanks for the replies. To be honest, I don't really thing my family situation is that bad, it's just that I am sometimes that low in my mood that everything feels against me and that I can't do anything about it, and then I'm driven to the kind of reasoning that can be found above...
Well my dips are fewer and don't go as deep as they did before, and my mood is more stable, which make living easier overall.
I'm not sure about the subliminal thing for my parents...
I will look into the book, thanks!
But... I am writing that the family situation is good, and maybe it is on the surface, but it's no intimacy in our home. When my parents see that I am sad or something, they are not able to comfort me, they just thing that it is a "problem to be solved" and get upset, irritated, whatever. That is not a kind of relationship that I value, I expect more from other people. But what the hell, I'll take care of myself for now, I have nothing to gain in expecting things from people who can't give me what I need.