I'm finally starting to understand why I hold a grudge towards my dad, like there is something there with him and his way towards me that I don't like, and haven't for a long time. He is a really "sweet guy" and "kind" and a lot of things and have always supported me financially and so. So nothing to blame him for there, rather all respect for being that kind of dad.
BUT. He beet around the bush with things. He don't really say what he thinks and feels. And that creates tension. And he always try to make the situation at home to be peaceful by avoiding conflict and changing topic of conversation when things may get heated. And that make things just worse, it don't get resolved.
You can say whatever you want about my mom, and I have been living in some kind of victim-hood way in the past time, but she is straight with what she thinks and feels and things therefore become uncomplicated with her. She don't hold any grudges. She has her problems, and me being depressed, I was like a sponge and sucked up her problems and thought it was she that threw them on me. It wasn't that way.
But back to my dad. He hold things in, don't talk about stuff. Don't know why, but it make it hard to have a real relationship with him. It's like he is always trying to be all happy and whatever, like he thinks as it should be in his head, and never can face how things really are, because he haven't processed his own emotions. That make it hard for him to see other people for who they are, he now can't and instead want them to act as he want. He is often complaining about "how people are", I guess because they don't fit his mental frame, and he in som way thinks that it's their duty to do so. And I can see how het get upset when I am not comforming to his desires/needs, I see it in his eyes, it's an anger, a fury. He had his own company before and was a boss, and I know that his employees had very much respect for him, and I now start to reflect about that that respect wasn't just because of that he was a good boss, but because they also feared him. I don't fear him, maybe I have, but I don't feel it as much anymore. I'm starting to understand and feel that his anger can't hurt me, or at least not as much as it could before. And when I am meeting my dads gaze and it doesn't correlate with the picture that he holds in his mind, he is forced to get aquainted with himself, which he is fearful about, and thus the anger.
Pretty satisfied with that theory. I don't think it's to far away from the truth.
Had an AWESOME day today with my best girl-friend, going out with my boat and just chilling at sea. Really, without doubt, the best day in at least 3 years.
Things are starting to clear. I am realizing stuff about my parents and seeing things from a more sober perspective. My moms emotionall maturity, is about a 10 or 15 year old persons. For real. I am not kidding. She is like a child, and that is why she reacts as she does when she doesn't get things she want, she gets, angry, hurt, etc. I thought it was like this before, but I am seriously not overstating it. If you let that kind of person be in control of your emotional state you are in for a bad time.
She can't accept that other people can take care of themselves, but need to be invovled in EVERYTHING, as soon as there is something to be invovled she need to be there, and that is just draining for me for some kind of reason. Like I can't keep myself to myself, but get dragged into it. I realize how much guilt have controlled me in tha past, affecting me in a way that I need to take care of other peoples needs all the time, but foremust my mom. F u c k her needs. It's not my problem (I keep repeating this but please give me a little break, I need to do it).
Today I felt totally aweful, everything seemed to be shit, like I spread my bad energy to everyone around me and just was stuck in a depressive-loop that I could never get out of.
Then I went to the gym for 1,5 hour and practiced some muay thai and I feel good again. Amazing what exercise can do to you. I'm 1,5 month into E2, dunno what the sub have brought to me in terms of feeling better, but if it's something I'm just glad about it. I don't feel like overanalyzing stuff so I just let thing be as they are and be happy if I'm feeling good.
(06-19-2018, 11:03 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]Today I felt totally aweful, everything seemed to be shit, like I spread my bad energy to everyone around me and just was stuck in a depressive-loop that I could never get out of.
How much would you say you've improved since starting E2?
(06-19-2018, 02:27 PM)StridingStrider Wrote: [ -> ] (06-19-2018, 11:03 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]Today I felt totally aweful, everything seemed to be shit, like I spread my bad energy to everyone around me and just was stuck in a depressive-loop that I could never get out of.
How much would you say you've improved since starting E2?
To be honest, I don't remember how I felt before. But I felt pretty terrible before, and now I almost feel OK, and at moments pretty good.
I thought about something for a time now, and thought about commenting it in other peoples journals, but it doesnt feel like the right thing to do. So i'll write it here.
I think that a lot of peoples problem is that the focus to much on themselves, in terms of how they want to be seen, what they think about themselves, who they "are", etc. That stuff will only make you more distant from other people and harder to relate to - thus creating problems with insecurities and problem with interaction with other people (and thus also lack of sexual relations). The trick is to not define yourself, but feel yourself. That is you. Not the things you think about yourself, but the things you feel about yourself. Then you also get better to feel how other people are, you get better at communicating with them (or doing the opposite of it if they are assholes). You cannot reason your way to personal development, you have to feel your way there, there is no way but through.
The grip my mother have had/has over my emotional state is slowly slipping out of her hands. And I can feel how she is upset about it, which even more clearly show her lack of empathy and need to control other people, which probably stem from her lack of self-control and realization. It feels good to know that things are changing, and I can somewhat feel something changing inside of me as well.
During a run earlier today I had a moment where I sat in a garden and just breathed, and it felt like freedom. When I later started running again words came up in me like "let go of the guilt" and "forgive yourself".
I know I have been carrying a lot of guilt and shame about being unfaithful to my previous 2 girlfriends and hurting them, I have really been tourmenting myself for this, and in some way developed a thinking that "I am a bad person". Feels good that I'm starting to be able to work past this guilt and start forgiving myself.
I wanna get to a place where peoples emotions don't affect me. Like I was before. Like they could be angry but I could just distance myself from it by just directing my intention towards distancing myself from it. Get it? I don't need to be an alpha in the room, roaming free in the lands of seduction, I just want to be..me. Free to be me. Free from other peoples toxic influences and emotions. Free to live, laugh, cry, free to express what I feel and what I think.
Something bugs me, really bad. My dad and I used to have a really good connection before, but now it's like he doesn't want to connect wtih me, like there is something in between us. Like he really doesn't take in what I say, but put something up like a protection. I don't know why. Am I toxic? Is he doing this trying to please my mother in some weird fucked-up way? I don't know. I tear me apart, as our relationship mean very much to me, and I miss having it.
I'm reading a book called "Difficult mothers" and man, this book is exactly what I need right now. So many things resonate with me, the self-doubt, the fear of making other people angry. It's all there. And the description of a narcissistic mother in the book who get upset over smallest critisism, it's all there. Case closed. No not really, I wish. But it feels good to have something to work with.
53 days E2 and counting.
When waking up today I felt aweful, like I sometimes to. I put E2 on and felt it started working around my heart, and I felt panic, fear and a lot of unplesent emotions. But by now i know that you have to get through those emotions and E2 is helping me with that. They stayed for a while but then subsided.
It's a bit hard to see results sometimes because the naturalizer work so good. I can't remember how I felt yesterday, really. I just focus on the now and how I feel, and in working on the stuff that comes up. Going to see my therapist later today.
Have some plans every weekend for a month from now and I somewhat look forward to be social. That wasnt at all the case before, as I was just fully paniced from being in a social situation, being fearful from blanking out, being thrown out of the group (illogical i know) but that was how I felt, and I couldn't flee that feeling in any way. So great progress, I mean to look forward to the socializing oart. I also feel like I have a easier time to relax in general.
Continuing doing the TRE exercises and root chakra meditation and that also contributes to help me relax more.
I started to read the book "the superior man" by David Deida. And to be honest. I love it. It's really, exactly, about things that I have thought about. Just reading 2-3 chapters, it's so close to my thoughts during the previous years about how to "live real", but explained in more comprehensive way. So glad I found it now. If I would read it 3 years ago I would have been clueless about what the hell he was talking about, but have faced some difficulties and taste the real essence of living and thought about how I want to live my life, things make sense. I have for a while now, probably since I decided that "no matter what, I will get out of this" (talking about my depression) thought about how to live life fully and find my true potential as a human being, and so far, I get the feeling that this will be my kind of guidebook in that journey.
I'm starting to be able to set boundaries with other people and standing up for myself. Previously I felt to weak/afraid to do this, but those feelings have starting to be replaced by anger and willpower. Slowly, but steadily.
Some changes:
I felt awful yesterday at times, but at times better. Real roller-coaster and and the worst times it feels like there is not end to it, just eternal pain and feeling of dispair. But it end, and things become better.
Positive stuff:
- I laid on a bench in a park and listened to the birds chirping, and people was walking by but I could relax. This is huge improvement, since I faced depression I have become somewhat uncomfortable around people, and have had a hard time to relax. So this is good.
- Music sounds much better. I can feel it more in my body.
- I feel that things will become better, like i _know_ they are, before I have just tried to persuade myself that they will, without feeling that they will.
- I'm starting to be able to reconnect with an old friend, and we have planned a weekend-trip together.
E2 - 64 days
Alrighty. I am starting to see things from a little different angle. Still living at my parents because 1) I don't have cash to live by myself 2) I kind of like hanging out with my dad.
But the perspective shift is regarding my mom. I'm starting to see that previously, I myself, put myself under her power, because of guilt. I adapted my behavior to her needs (i.e. giving her power over me) because of well maybe not just guilt, but maybe some kind of fear as well. Anyhow, the main point is that it was _I_ who did it, not something she did to me. That kind of insight is profound for me, because I no longer feel so much like a victim in this whole dilemma.
She is immature, and can't take care of her own emotions. She have used me to do that. I no longer content on doing this, because the emotion that held me in shack is slowly disappearing (guilt probably) and I am also more mindful about my behavior. I no longer feel as much of a dragging toward that I "have to" behave in a specific way, but can more and more choose how I want to act. I have thought that I was free before, but obviously, I haven't. At least not from my unconscious behaviors.
I really have to learn myself not to take care of other peoples emotions. And my dad is somewhat a role-model in this case, as he is caring and all that, but he doesn't really take any responsibility for what other people feel when he talk and say stuff. He is just honest. I like that, and I am striving to find my own way of being honest and telling my truth, without going around in life adjusting my behavior to make other people happy.