I'm feeling better for each day that goes, getting less reactive, more myself, feeling better, more relaxed, more joyful, more own sense of humor, more energetic, more mindful, less fearful. The momentum is without a doubt positive.
I'm not back to where I was before in terms of mindfulness and sociability skills, but it's coming back, steadily and slowly.
I'm feeling more connected to my body and more grounded, but not fully there yet in terms of being comfortable wherever I am, which I should be when "in my body", contrary to being "stuck in the head".
Cognitive skills better. Sleep better.
Confidence wise still lacking compared to what I strive for.
People just talk, talk, talk, talk and never listen. They are so consumed by themselves, their opinions and their feelings that they don't see what is happening around them.
This make me tired and quiet frankly agitated at times. My dad is absorbed about what he thinks and his opinions, and my mom is consumed by her emotions of being a victim constantly. They don't see me, but see who they think I am. They don't listen to what I really say, but what they think I say.
It's hard to have a normal conversation with someone who behaves like that, so I am close to giving up hope to it at times, when I'm just to tired to try. Whatever I think. I just care about making myself have a good time and hope they come to their senses at some time.
Their conversations are inclined towards negativity, problems in the world, problems here, problems there, but they don't realize that the biggest problem in their lives is created by themselves.
I work towards the attitude that I can't change other people, they can only change themselves, and the only thing you can do is to be yourself and not get dragged into their negativity. I'm close to getting there, but it's an ongoing process that still take energy to uphold. At this time I don't have the energy to take an active role, where I instead focus on changing my attitude and behavior towards other people, which I surely believe will be beneficial at times in the future.
Overall mood
I feel overall more calm, more peaceful in myself and with more energy in the daily life and in my work-outs, like I am close to getting in contact with my strength again.
Meditation are becoming deeper and I feel more connect to myself, but I still have some work to do here because I can sometimes feel depleted and weak when my emotions come into focus, like I have a trauma that I haven't processed yet which is still blocking my energy. I'm confident that it will be taken care of by my daily routine which I now can do without that much effort. Even the work-outs seam to be done without much hassle and I actually look forward to them sometimes
Starting to get some christmas spirit, getting good ideas for presents to the people I have planned buying to (yes I am buying to my parents even though I'm tired of them..). I am getting more creative overall, and feel more and more life "myself". Sleep is getting better, even though I can feel really lost when I wake up. Have more and more plans in my calendar for social events. So I am focusing on the positive
I have definitely reached some kind of threshold in my overall well-being that is currently being surpassed. I feel OK, very close to being emotionally healed at a basic level which is a huge achievement. Things are starting to get back to normal and I don't feel so uneasy all the time. I'm getting back to my old self. Woho!
I hate the f*cking guts of my mother, her tone of voice her steps in the stairs, f*cking everything about her. She is a so damn demanding and irritating person that I can't believe my dad ever married her. Seriously, f*ck her bigtime. It's a damn torture just to be around her, a real energy vampire just trying to satisfy her own needs all the time. Ught, I could puke.
I have been ranting a lot lately, because I have felt like shit. But I'm starting to get out of it and feel somewhat normal again.
I don't recognize my parents and our relationship. Things feels off. I don't know if I have messed anything up during my low periods, but it sure feels that way and that I have messed something up to a irreversible state. I really hope I am wrong on this one.
Things feels..off. Better for every day but I just feel out of it, not really myself.
Anyone who have recovered from depression who can relate to this roller-coster? Would mean much to hear some comforting words from someone out there who have gone through hell and came back...
Before AM I had a bad relationship with my mother often. Things greatly improved on AM6 and beyond.
I had several depressive times before subs, sometimes on them over time. I wish I could give something to you "to do". But really, it just took time to resolve things internally and then stabilise.
Maybe it's important to remember you are listening to a sub designed specifically FOR internal growth, clearing and healing as a direct focus, and no limited scope at all. So the potential for this kind of feeling over time while massive C&H rages on, and resistance fights against it, is very likely. So maybe understand it's all a process and to be expected. And realise you will go through bouts of feeling crappy while this is tug 'o war is taking place. Try not to get too emotionally invested in that due to it just being a temporary state and not some "problem" with you. That's what helped me get through these times, the realisation WHY it's occurring (heavy C&H mixed with push back resistance causing these feelings), and just being patient and realising it's a temporary condition.
Hope that helps, Greenduck!
(12-18-2017, 04:20 PM)CatMan Wrote: [ -> ]Before AM I had a bad relationship with my mother often. Things greatly improved on AM6 and beyond.
I had several depressive times before subs, sometimes on them over time. I wish I could give something to you "to do". But really, it just took time to resolve things internally and then stabilise.
Maybe it's important to remember you are listening to a sub designed specifically FOR internal growth, clearing and healing as a direct focus, and no limited scope at all. So the potential for this kind of feeling over time while massive C&H rages on, and resistance fights against it, is very likely. So maybe understand it's all a process and to be expected. And realise you will go through bouts of feeling crappy while this is tug 'o war is taking place. Try not to get too emotionally invested in that due to it just being a temporary state and not some "problem" with you. That's what helped me get through these times, the realisation WHY it's occurring (heavy C&H mixed with push back resistance causing these feelings), and just being patient and realising it's a temporary condition.
Hope that helps, Greenduck!
Thanks for sharing with me CatMan. I know what you are saying, but I have a pretty easy time to have relationships with other people, but not my mom. So I guess that how much I even grow internally, things are going to stay strained with her as some (much) of the problem is within her. I can't change her, only she can. I am starting to learn how to be around her to not get myself hurt, but it's draining to live with someone who you have a weird relationship with. I have a hard time to define what really is the problem, more than that she most often is irritated whatever I say, so I stop talking to her. I don't have any energy to waste toward trying to repair a relationship with someone who is constantly nagging and irritated. Before she has done work on become a easier person to be with, I don't know what I can do on the matter. I have my hands full of my own life and trying to stay afloat and getting out of my depression.
Yeah I get what you are saying regarding seeing that "you" are the problem, as some people tend to explain any problem in the world, by the problem being other people. My mother is constantly complaining on how my dad and I act, and I have totally lost respect for her ability to judge a persons character, as her standpoint in 99 % of cases is done from a victim-standpoint and she have a big problem admitting to mistakes and taking on responsibility for anything gone wrong. Lesson learned. I did not see that before, but bought into the explanation that something is wrong with me, and I think that I am actually starting to break out of this, which have been laying very deeply and profoundly in me, that something is wrong with me.
Anyway - if you want, maybe you can explain the difference in your relationship with her, how it was before, how it is now? What changes did AM to you and how did they affect your relationship with your mother? How do you handle irritated people in general? How have you changed, and how are you as a person right now towards other people? A lot of questions, but maybe you get the gist of what I am looking for in your answer
Take care / Greenduck
Jesus dude, your mum sounds like my last gf.
"as her standpoint in 99 % of cases is done from a victim-standpoint and she have a big problem admitting to mistakes and taking on responsibility for anything gone wrong"
From this I recognised the value of "emotional maturity". Emotionally mature people can take responsibility for themselves, understand where they are wrong in a relationship and can process their emotions and convey them in a mature manner conducive to relationship building.
Emotionally immature people are the opposite; incapable of ownership so they blame others within relationships, expect that their emotional outbursts will be well tolerated and generally unsympathetic to the feelings of others causing relationship degradation over time.
Its funny how despite a person's age they may still be undeveloped on the inside. If you can develop your own emotional maturity, it'll safeguard you from her behaviour and may eventually teach her by demonstration how to behave in a relationship.
(12-20-2017, 05:03 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ]Jesus dude, your mum sounds like my last gf.
"as her standpoint in 99 % of cases is done from a victim-standpoint and she have a big problem admitting to mistakes and taking on responsibility for anything gone wrong"
From this I recognised the value of "emotional maturity". Emotionally mature people can take responsibility for themselves, understand where they are wrong in a relationship and can process their emotions and convey them in a mature manner conducive to relationship building.
Emotionally immature people are the opposite; incapable of ownership so they blame others within relationships, expect that their emotional outbursts will be well tolerated and generally unsympathetic to the feelings of others causing relationship degradation over time.
Its funny how despite a person's age they may still be undeveloped on the inside. If you can develop your own emotional maturity, it'll safeguard you from her behaviour and may eventually teach her by demonstration how to behave in a relationship.
That was so damn straight to the point. Thanks for clarifying it to me, sometimes I think that I am the bad guy due to her outbursts, but as you put it I get that I'm probably not. Yeah degragation over time, no shit, more like there haven't been a real relationship at any point.
That is my plan actually, to develop myself to be able to withstand the impulse that her mood is awakening, and be calm, fair and sound. But really my hopes for that is pretty low...
I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".
The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.
Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .
(12-20-2017, 05:21 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ]I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".
The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.
Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .
On point again. I recognize myself in this and have worked on breaking that habit with some internal peace as a result. Peoples emotional states are most often their own problems and own responsibilities. Often, if not always.
(12-20-2017, 06:11 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ] (12-20-2017, 05:21 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ]I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".
The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.
Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .
On point again. I recognize myself in this and have worked on breaking that habit with some internal peace as a result. Peoples emotional states are most often their own problems and own responsibilities. Often, if not always.
Peoples own emotional states are largely dependent on their "locus of control". The more internal a personal holds their locus of control, the more influence they exert on their own emotional states.
Conversely if they have an "external locus of control" they're more likely to attribute their state as a consequence of what's happening around them.
Personally, I think having an external locus of control is the worst thing a person can subject themself too. It's like holding yourself hostage to whomever's in the environment. Statements like "you made me feel this" or "that put me in a really bad mood" underlie this well.
Internal locus of control is one necessary ingredient to breaking away from other peoples crap.
I feel so damn much better! It's amazing, I'm breaking out from the depression and I'm almost myself again! So damn grateful for this and even though it's a bit more left, I just feel amazed that I'm almost there.
Side-note (sorry for ranting again but now as I see things clearer I need to get this off my chest).
I hate my parents, and I am not kidding around. I hate being around them. They are so negative, and demanding of everything around them. They complain as they come home, they get angry when they don't get attention, they are just sucking any energy they can get from you. But I am stronger now, and able to withstand it, they don't get what they want from me.
Example: I am sitting at home just surfing, my mom comes home downstairs and as soon as she enter I can hear her saying "damn shitty home I hate this" because my dad is asleep and didn't greet her (wtf?). She comes up to me, say hello, I say hello and just talk about something. I am surfing and she tell something about how her evening was, but I keep my eyes on the computer (not in an "ignoring"-way, just relaxed sitting there listening, but not actively looking at her - which is DAMN OK she is not 5 years old) but then she interrupts and rushes away and complains "oh damn it doesnt matter" in a - no one will listen kind of way and gets angry and upset.
I am SO F*CKING TIRED of this childish behavior. I don't have energy to do anything about this. She can be angry if she want. I am there as much as I can, and I have tried to explain to her that I don't always have energy to be happy and listening. But she never learns, she can never learn a lesson. For F*CK sake, seriously it grinds my gears but I have learned to just let it go and let her go f*ck herself (would NEVER say anything like this, but for my own peace of mind I need to blow off some of the steam inside before I calm down).
Reflections or thoughts on this? Hope I can convey the situation in a way that is not to scewed.
I live as good as I can, I try to do as much as I can, but I am not fully healed yet and can be there for other people, but somehow this cannot fit into the mind of my parents.
(12-20-2017, 07:05 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ] (12-20-2017, 06:11 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ] (12-20-2017, 05:21 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ]I've been there too being the "bad guy". We rationalise within ourselves that "ok they're angry/pissed off/annoyed [insert emotion] there must be a reason why and we probably are part of that reason".
The problem with that train of thought is that we end up enabling them which only perpetuates the cycle.
Relationships are two way streets, if she isn't willing to work on it then you have to be willing to walk away. .
On point again. I recognize myself in this and have worked on breaking that habit with some internal peace as a result. Peoples emotional states are most often their own problems and own responsibilities. Often, if not always.
Peoples own emotional states are largely dependent on their "locus of control". The more internal a personal holds their locus of control, the more influence they exert on their own emotional states.
Conversely if they have an "external locus of control" they're more likely to attribute their state as a consequence of what's happening around them.
Personally, I think having an external locus of control is the worst thing a person can subject themself too. It's like holding yourself hostage to whomever's in the environment. Statements like "you made me feel this" or "that put me in a really bad mood" underlie this well.
Internal locus of control is one necessary ingredient to breaking away from other peoples crap.
wow thanks for this, I didn't see you post until now. that describes exactly the situation with most my mom but also my dad at some part. It sucks the energy out of me