Subliminal Talk

I have had two major insights:

1) I have shame attached to my "emotional self", i.e. being myself emotionally.
2) I have a habit to seek comfort in others rather than seeking it in myself.

The first one I'm working on by firsthand getting to know myself emotionally, who am I underneath? The second one I work on trying to find stability in myself and becoming more "centered". Guess that you could describe it by the "solar plexus chakra". I feel out-of-touch with my gut-feelings and believe these two symtoms emerge from the same place, which I have read is common during burn-out. I have bought a Infrafred lamp to aid the recovery by relaxing the muscles and stimulate healing by heat.

Type of lamp I've purchased:

I have a tendency of become "stuck" on things mentally, get bugged by them, and have a hard time initiating new "thinking-streams" (don't know the word for it) and keep track of my own thoughts, I have observed that I can start thinking that "oh I should go do that" and then forget about what I'm supposed to do. I.e. I'm a bit "lost" in my head still, even though that it have improved. Still feel a bit pain and discomfort on top of my head. Also can get burst of "head-anger" where I feel anger in my head, but cannot find any reason for it, and I believe the state of confusion and the anger can be led from the same thing.

I start to remember things I have forgotten, like how I played the AM subliminal even though I had serious headache and just tried to use it even more as it would at some time "break though" the headache. What an idiotic move, it's like keep on running even if your angle is twisted, hoping that it become better just because you keep on moving.

Also feel a bit rigid in my legs, as if they were more attached to me, than being my own.

Lamp arrived yesterday, was really nice to just lay down and feel it warming up my lower back, much relaxing! Planning to use it for 30 minutes a day to see if it will bring any difference, anyway it's just a nice relaxation

Every day my mind gets a bit clearer, as I work my way through the tension that have accumulated over the past year. To describe how it feels, it's like my "thinking muscle" isn't working properly. Like the mind just goes along by itself sometimes. Quiet the opposite of mindfulness I guess

But as it becomes better, I feel like my internal dialogue comes back, and my mind is not only filled with mind-chatter.

Furthermore I read about third-eye blockage online, and the symtoms of feeling distrust, and self-doubt are apparent for myself.

Just keep going I guess!

Edit:
I'm able to read books again, previously I couldn't follow the story and had trouble relaxing enough to enjoy it.

Sometimes the journey back have been really frustrating. Not being able to be who I am, but being a mere shadow if my past self. It feels like I was on the verge of really loosing everything and passing a point where I would be able to get back, but I just missed that point by an inch.

I have come back from a place a never thought I would be able to return from, when everything seemed the be lost, and no one will ever know this, because I just simply can't explain it. I'm alone with it, and everyone just go with their lives as if nothing ever happened, it's just kind of ironic.

It's just take so damn much patience. Going every day and doing my routine...slowly getting better...but still looking myself in the mirror every day and se a lovely guy, but a guy who still is broken...it's just breaks my spirit sometimes.

IR-lamp not good idea. Made me feel like shit after 10 minutes. However, I may have found the core of the current problem:

My behavior can be described as "acting without thinking" as I didn't had any thinking to resort to. In "being" you both act and you think and you feel. Well, scratch the "think" part and you have me. Felt like being somewhat unconscious about decisions, being able to think through things, understand other people, understand bigger picture, etc. You get the picture...

Anyway, this seems to stem from a tightness on top of my scull. Like a muscular contraction, which made thoughts just a whirr without order, like a spinning washing-machine, where everything you throw in becomes blurry and get mixed up with whatever you had in before. Anyway, by relaxing the top of the head, just like you would do with any other muscle, my thought-arena shows itself again and my existence become not merely a reactive hell, but can reside do the conscious stroll that it should be.

Edit:
As the thinking seems to originate from the top of the head (where it is said our belief system is located) subliminals should probably affect this part, and if the individual fights against what is said, like a muscle that contracts to protect from a collision, so would the "mind-muscle" contract in the same manner, which I guess is the same as resistance, creating mind-fog and whatnot.

I while ago, when I had a different account, I wrote in despair about my situation and asked for help. One member answered, and suggested that I could be experiencing a "Dark night of the soul"-episode. At the time, it didn't make any sense (as nothing did), but as things are somewhat coming together (even though my mind at the least can be labeled as fragmented) I think he had a point, and possible was right.

Found an article that described it pretty good over here:
https://www.eckharttolle.com/newsletter/october-2011

Basically, it's when your concept of life breaks down. The way you perceive things, the way things make sense and purpose to you, it breaks down and goes to hell. He's explaining it pretty good so I'll post it further down. Anyway, it can be scary as hell, being empty and confusing, but on the other side you can enjoy life without having to compulsory interpret things. Combining this, being an mental wreck, with being an emotional wreck as I was (I know i banter about how shitty things have been but what the hell, sometimes that have to be OK), the experience was not a walk in the park. As with everything, things happen to people on a scale. What Ekhart describes is the full concept in full-blown mode, and I can relate to some of it, and can sometimes see the effects from it, it's not like I'm going around as some kind of "divine spirit"

The dark night of the soul (text from Ekhart Tolle)

Quote: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.

It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.

They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.

The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.

You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.

It finally feels like things are changing to the better substantially.

The feeling of not being "myself" is fading away, and with that have my regular "awareness" come back. The way I look at things, at life, at myself and other people.

It's hard to summarize a life philosophy in plain text like this, but in short I have taking things very seriously during the depression, taking things personally, being on the "defence" and lost that "spark" which I always had towards life, finding joy in stuff and enjoying life rather than being consumed by my ego, other ego's, discussions, whatever. Always being able to take one step, look at what is happening, deal with the situation or laugh about it. Keeping some perspective.

Things rarely are that serious that some people may think. We are alive and doing stuff, stuff happen, most often they are not even that a big deal but for some reason, some people, blow it up to huge dimensions which make not only the situation dealing with the problem a pain in the ass but the problem itself grows bigger. Common sense wins all the way.

I just couldn't laugh at myself at the darker times, but I'm starting to grow that distance once again. It feels amazing, I thought that was lost, I'm almost forgot about it.

EDIT:
What I'm trying to say, that I now can find different perspective's on situations, not being sucked into my own thoughts that easily, or other peoples ways of framing things.

There is no true or right way of looking at a situation, it's up to you. And some people will try to skew the perspective for different reasons, but having the ability to see the situation clearly (which is from different perspectives and combine them) will always be a better thing to do.

Find ways to laugh at life, and ease things up. Let say that someone not answering your questions and being a jerk. Why should you get angry and upset?

“If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”

Chill. There is always a solution to a problem that can be done smoothly. Force just create additional force from the other way. Keep your head up.

Disregard that wall of text. Haha. Stored for future look-backs.

Done Tai Chi 46 days (1 missed day) and Yoga for 14 times (2 missed days).

I'm starting to like the Tai Chi practice and feel its benefits as I'm able to loose up tensions in my muscles, and it's just a nice thing to do. I also seem to be able to open up my heart with one of the movements combined with breathing.

The Yoga is still really grueling, damn Yoga is really hard! I set up 9 poses that I go through every time and it takes maybe 15 minutes and I'm always really relaxed afterwards. But I can feel that I'm getting stronger and having more balance every time I do it. I'll try to do every pose for 20 or 30 breaths.

This pose always make me shake in my arms, and I feel that I have some kind of muscle blockage in my arms (it's the one i dread the most, but becoming better and better )



Oh and this pose is a real pain in the ass!




Edit 1:
Oh yeah, I feel more grounded as well. Still a bit light-headed (which I believe is what causing the ungroundiness-feeling) but steadily improvements!

Edit 2:
Btw. Read a great forum-post about a guy who quit smoking weed due to that he was becoming depressed and anxious, and his way back to "normal". He wrote about "dantian" which is three power centers in the body according to eastern philosophy (belly, chest and head) and how weed move your energy towards the upper one, from the lower one - causing you do "live in your head". Anyway, good article and gave me some inspiration. Here it is:

https://forum.grasscity.com/threads/bene...nd.745508/

Edit 3:
My mom got me a name of a psychiatrist (and i know she just want to help), but it all got me irritated, telling her that I am getting better myself. I somehow have an aversion to getting help, as I'm not feeling in contact with myself and therefore seeking counsel from the outside would be hard. And my mind is still a bit chattered and all it needs is rest. I am just afraid that I'm gonna get into a position where I loose control, which I have been in before. Loosing control over myself, that scares the shit out of me, and even though it may seem irrational to someone else, I may have my reasons for it.

I need to find some basic sense of self before I go outside and find counsel. I however think that it will be awesome at a later stage to better understand myself.

I'm just so damn happy that things are getting better!!!! Finally the tide has turned, I KNEW it would happen one day!!

I have been feeling much tension around the groin and lower abdomen, also generally in the hips. I recognize the feeling that when I'm stressed that part tense up and I guess I have stored much tension in this part of the body over time.

My yoga practice have been starting to show results as and as I am releasing this tension, I observe how both my body, but also my emotional and mental state change afterwards. I have bought a book to complement the stress releasing called "Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE): A revolutionary new method for stress/trauma recovery".

The exercises in the book is aimed at producing the same state that animals use to release stress after traumatic events. There is a documentary on the subject (which I haven't gotten to watch yet, but it seems interesting)

Nature's Lessons in Healing Trauma: An Introduction to Somatic Experiencing® (SE™):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJDkzDMllc

The book for anyone interested:
https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Releasing-...1419607545

I more and more realize that I seriously have a big problem with my mom. And I'm not the guy who have problems with people in general, even when I'm feeling like shit.

She are always angry when she get up, slams doors, are needy, when she doesn't get attention she get upset, angry. She is judgemental, loud, feel sorry for herself, act as a victim.

A normal day I get it, she is my mom and you only have one mom. But seriously, man even I have to be able to not always have to look for the best in people all the f*cking time, because this behavior really get on my nerve and ruin my days sometime. A person acting like that need to get their shit together, seriously. F*ck me. I just want to chill and have a good time when I'm home at my parents, not get dragged into her moodiness.

And I hate being this sensitive to all shit. On a normal day this would be "so my mom is really annoying, whatever". This is not me.

I have had problems with my internal dialogue and ability to resonate with myself, as if the voice had gotten quiet and replaced by irrational thoughts that pops up whenever I move through my day. That voice is slowly coming back into appearance. I have read that this is common during burn-out and that it will come.back with time but it has really been hard to live without it.

Edit: It has been as I only could communicate with myself with morse-code (which I barely could understand for obvious reasons), now I'm closing in on a 5,56 modem, whereas regular function is a high speed fiber.

(05-14-2017, 11:37 PM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]I more and more realize that I seriously have a big problem with my mom. And I'm not the guy who have problems with people in general, even when I'm feeling like shit.

She are always angry when she get up, slams doors, are needy, when she doesn't get attention she get upset, angry. She is judgemental, loud, feel sorry for herself, act as a victim.

A normal day I get it, she is my mom and you only have one mom. But seriously, man even I have to be able to not always have to look for the best in people all the f*cking time, because this behavior really get on my nerve and ruin my days sometime. A person acting like that need to get their shit together, seriously. F*ck me. I just want to chill and have a good time when I'm home at my parents, not get dragged into her moodiness.

And I hate being this sensitive to all shit. On a normal day this would be "so my mom is really annoying, whatever". This is not me.

You need to Look at the Devouring Mother Archetype. It might help you understand what is happening here.

(05-16-2017, 07:36 AM)Daredevil Wrote: [ -> ]

(05-14-2017, 11:37 PM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]I more and more realize that I seriously have a big problem with my mom. And I'm not the guy who have problems with people in general, even when I'm feeling like shit.

She are always angry when she get up, slams doors, are needy, when she doesn't get attention she get upset, angry. She is judgemental, loud, feel sorry for herself, act as a victim.

A normal day I get it, she is my mom and you only have one mom. But seriously, man even I have to be able to not always have to look for the best in people all the f*cking time, because this behavior really get on my nerve and ruin my days sometime. A person acting like that need to get their shit together, seriously. F*ck me. I just want to chill and have a good time when I'm home at my parents, not get dragged into her moodiness.

And I hate being this sensitive to all shit. On a normal day this would be "so my mom is really annoying, whatever". This is not me.

You need to Look at the Devouring Mother Archetype. It might help you understand what is happening here.

Thanks, I'll looked into it and it's pretty spot on for the context.

Things said before laid aside, there is one thing that is puzzling me and I can't get to understand it:

My mother acts different towards me. I'm the same person as before (beside that I'm slow in my thinking, but emotionally I'm the same person. I feel the same as usual. But the relationship is different, the best description I can give is that it's "off". Same goes with some other friends, it's just "off", like they see a different person then what they are used to and not sure how to act. And I try to compensate to show them that they don't need to and well..that doesn't work. It's a moment 22-issue.

Hopefully it's pass, but I just think it's weird.

Furthermore, my head feels disconnected from the body. Like my head is one person and my body another. Slowly they are coming together, but it's still some separation going on.

EDIT:
Before I have been living very openly, being honest, open and transparent. People complimented this, said that I felt authentic, but I couldn't understand what they meant, didn't everyone just be like this? Don't let your mind take control over you - type of person.

But with my depression I kind of lost track of my own psyche, and it started to affect my relationships, I started to get dissociations from realty, blabla. I have trouble integrating this part into myself I realize when writing this. I'm afraid of it, to be consumed by it, why at all cost try to distance myself from it. Does it make sense or is it the "disease" speaking?