(05-24-2018, 01:16 PM)Zane Wrote: [ -> ]Why don't u move out?
Right now because I can't afford it. But I am hoping to be able to start working in a month or two, if the progress continues as it does right now, that will be possible.
Woke up today feeling pretty good! Relaxed, and just could chill in my bed and actually enjoy it, can't remember doing this for a very long time. Also the racing thoughts have somewhat subsided and I am just more content and "inside" my body and my feelings, not worrying as much and feeling anxious and afraid all the time... great progress!
For the first time in a very long time, in a sober state, I feel that I can just "be", and enjoy being. Not thinking about what to do next, worrying, etc, but just being. I have missed that. I stood on the front "porch" of our house and just listened to the birds chirping and took at deep breath and just was, and that was what made me realize that I have become better. Even though that my mind isn't as sharp as it can be, and my thoughts are a bit blurry, and even my vision is a bit off, _I_ am here now. And I'm not that worried all the time or second guessing myself either, or being super aware of other peoples opinions or so, I have myself back.
Just wanted to state that for the record
On friday I have runned E2 for 1 month. My meditation is becoming more enjoyable. I'm starting to enjoy taking cold showers. I have more energy. Things are lightening up
Also some other stuff:
- I am no longer so damn involved in trying to soothe/make other people feel better. They have their emotions and if they are suffering, it's not my problem. I don't mean that I wouldn't comfort a friend who had just broken up with his girlfriend, but more on a daily basis. I am pretty sensitive and have an ability to sense how other people are feeling, and adjust my behavior so that they feel better about themselves (my theory, which i am pretty sure of, is that this stems from having a mother who can't take care of herself emotionally, and thus as I child i learned that this is "how you should do" i.e. - take care of other peoples (my mothers in that case) suffering from their own emotions. So that is a deep thing that have been residing in me on a behavioral level and the confusion I have been feeling is probably that I need to adjust into a life where I'm not responsible for other peoples emotions.
I can see my mother trying to use "tricks" like using guilt or whatever to get me to become involved in her emotional states, but it doesn't work anymore and I guess i can thank E2 to that. I am more resiliant if you like, which is such a relief. It's a damn freedom. Imagine being more or less a slave under other peoples desire of you comforting them, and now you have the freedom to say NO (not litteraly but you get what i mean) and stick to taking care of yourself.
I am looking forward to this. To life. To taking care of myself. To take care of a job, my economy, my future home, my interest, my friends, my life. And not needing to take care of someone else. I'm done with that, I have been doing that for my whole life, without feeling guilty about it. Now I want to start living.
Thinking of a song:
Kygo - It ain't me
.
- I am doing a Yoga exercise every morning called "chair pose" for three minutes. I'm getting more and more stronger, and I can feel how much contact with my body and my contact with the strenght in the body is increasing. The pose is to increase grounding, and I am looking forward to feel more and more grounded.
I usually do E2 for 1 hour when I wake up, and today I come thinking of reading another member describing E2 as an "internal massage". I totally get that right now. It feels as E2 is "massaging" the areas in my body that need to, for example around my heart, which I have been very tense around, but also around my pelvis and my tailbone. Guessing this is the chakras
I have been having dreams where I confine to friends and telling them how I have felt during the last years. Something I wouldn't dare to do in wake life right now, but I guess this is a way for my subconscious to find healing.
I feel more relaxed, more connected to my body and to nature. I don't worry as much. I feel hornier, haha. More connected to my physical needs, and not feeling ashamed or guilty about it! I really thing E2 is doing its job. Right now I'm listening and feeling how it works around my tailbone and the area of my root chakra. I also feel less lonely and more fine being by myself.
I'm meeting a girl on and off, and yesterday we met, had some dinner, hanged out and watched some netflix. We have a history, and know each other. So I noticed that she was pretty tense and seemed irritated. Previously I wouldn't have the courage to ask why, because I know from previous experience that she can get pretty defensive about it, and I couldn't handle the blame being thrown on me.
But now, I could. I asked her, she shrugged it off explaining it had to do with something rather trivial that had happened during the day, but after about 10 minutes I notice her crying. And after talking for a bit, and helping her she could cry for some while and really breathe deeply and release that tension. I explained to her that this was good, as I think she have a habit of holding in her emotions, and not letting them come out. We talked a bit more, about how she get emotional with me (she thinks that it's just about our history and that she get emotional because of that, and sure she may have a point, but mainly I think that she can relax with me and just get emotional when I am around - I know that I have had this effect on other people).
Anyway, it was good for her and she seemed more peaceful afterwards. I told her about my experience with going to a therapist and recommmended a way that she can get to one pretty cheaply (around 10 euro per time, instead of the private clinics which charge around 80 euro per time...) and she said that it felt good to have a direction and know what to do next.
It felt good to be a support for her, and I didn't get defensive when she got at some points. I was just calm, steady, and I would almost say loving. I felt loving towards her, and told her that I hope she knows that I like her. I wouldn't be able to do that before. I think that she will manage to get herself to feel better, and I really hope she will because she is really a sweet girl there inside that can really bloom out if she would learn to work with her emotions instead of against them, learn to let them out, and be free. Maybe I will recommend her E2 at some point further down, but right now I think she need to find her own way without me trying to help her to much.
Reflection:
Without blowing my own horn to much, I notice I have a different understanding of emotional states than I did before. A deeper understanding, and the courage to face the challenges that arise when lifting on those rocks. Probably because I have lifted on my own rocks and had to face whatever was down there.
Edit:
I am drawn to reading a book about misogony and one about dream interpretation. Not my usual cup of tea for reading, interesting.
(04-25-2018, 10:20 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ] (04-25-2018, 02:33 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ] (04-24-2018, 12:10 PM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ]Lol, I remember you having these same issues several months back. Don't you think it's time you got over all of this?
I learned a nifty little trick via hypnosis called "compartmentalisation". Before I'd be just like you, allowing people into my mind but now I can just exile any and all unwanted attention or behaviour. It's done wonders for my boundary setting.
Trust me, it haven't been an issue about attitude. If I just could have "get over it" I would have. It's the same thing as telling a depressed person to "get over it"/"pull yourself out of it". It takes more than just putting your mind into it, or (sorry) "nifty tricks". I understand that kind of basis for argumenting, but if you haven't experienced a state which you can't consciously "pull yourself out of", it's maybe hard to relate to it.
The problem have been in my body, as the problem with depression is. And my stress have been around my heart, showing symptoms comparable to PTSD. Finally, I have reached a new threshold in the way I feel, I'm starting to be able to breathe again fully. I can smell the smell of flowers when sitting in the garden, hearing the birds chirping - stuff that I have even forgotten existed or happened. I'm starting to get close to peaceful inside and coming over my PTSD!
I'm also reaching improvements through the TRE-exercises combined with the root-chakra meditation as I am getting more grounded. I feel in "contact" with life again, with nature and things around me - not fully, but clear improvement. More in contact with my body as well, and hence also the present moment.
You mistake my intent. I'm giving you a call to action.
Having come out the other end of PTSD and similar boundary issues I know what it's like to be trapped in a hopeless state.
I was just offering a solution. If you think about, not everyone is ***** up. The difference between a healthy mind and what you're going through is in my opinion the ability to "compartmentalise".
I've found it helpful. It also gives credence to the notion that depressed people can just "get over it" because a healthy person would simply compartmentalise what the depressed person would agonise over.
Now, a little more than 1 moth later, I get what you are saying. Totally. I am more able to compartmentalise things that I couldn't before. I was living in one "compartment" and thus the agony.
(06-05-2018, 12:45 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ] (04-25-2018, 10:20 AM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ] (04-25-2018, 02:33 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ] (04-24-2018, 12:10 PM)Determined Wrote: [ -> ]Lol, I remember you having these same issues several months back. Don't you think it's time you got over all of this?
I learned a nifty little trick via hypnosis called "compartmentalisation". Before I'd be just like you, allowing people into my mind but now I can just exile any and all unwanted attention or behaviour. It's done wonders for my boundary setting.
Trust me, it haven't been an issue about attitude. If I just could have "get over it" I would have. It's the same thing as telling a depressed person to "get over it"/"pull yourself out of it". It takes more than just putting your mind into it, or (sorry) "nifty tricks". I understand that kind of basis for argumenting, but if you haven't experienced a state which you can't consciously "pull yourself out of", it's maybe hard to relate to it.
The problem have been in my body, as the problem with depression is. And my stress have been around my heart, showing symptoms comparable to PTSD. Finally, I have reached a new threshold in the way I feel, I'm starting to be able to breathe again fully. I can smell the smell of flowers when sitting in the garden, hearing the birds chirping - stuff that I have even forgotten existed or happened. I'm starting to get close to peaceful inside and coming over my PTSD!
I'm also reaching improvements through the TRE-exercises combined with the root-chakra meditation as I am getting more grounded. I feel in "contact" with life again, with nature and things around me - not fully, but clear improvement. More in contact with my body as well, and hence also the present moment.
You mistake my intent. I'm giving you a call to action.
Having come out the other end of PTSD and similar boundary issues I know what it's like to be trapped in a hopeless state.
I was just offering a solution. If you think about, not everyone is ***** up. The difference between a healthy mind and what you're going through is in my opinion the ability to "compartmentalise".
I've found it helpful. It also gives credence to the notion that depressed people can just "get over it" because a healthy person would simply compartmentalise what the depressed person would agonise over.
Now, a little more than 1 moth later, I get what you are saying. Totally. I am more able to compartmentalise things that I couldn't before. I was living in one "compartment" and thus the agony.
People who tend to "globalise" (that's an NLP term) their problems do struggle with this.
34 days into E2
Being more of myself
Went out and partied some yesterday and had a pretty good time, and had an experience that tells me that something is definately changing.
Met a girl at McDonalds with my friend and joked a bit with her, and I felt that I could be myself, not trying to get any validation, just being me, spontaneus and saying whatever I was thinking. She kept repeating that I was such a "cool guy" and "nice person". Also I gave her a speech about that she was a really fun girl (she was) and that she should feel that she was that, as I noticed her having some self-esteem problems when she told about her dating history. She really looked me deeply in my eyes when I did that, as she really seemed to like me. I didn't do it to get something, I just said what I felt needed to be said, I was purely honest.
Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. But I was tired so i kindly declined. Felt somewhat bad afterwards because I may have hurt her feelings, but I think that it wasn't that bad so I let that feeling go.
On my home-situation:
I'm not as much affected by the moods of others. Especially my mom. She is an expert at being a victim, whatever the situation is. Previously her upset emotions tended to get to me, but not so much anymore.
She just told me with a condescending tone that I am very tired today and asked what I did yesterday (in a tone that was more of -what the hell did you do yesterday? as I had done something wrong. I just told her I was partying and told her that I was tired, without buying into her blame-calling. I finished with the statement "anyway it only affect me", because it does, but not to her because she is so damn not-independent emotionally that she want me to react/take care of her emotionally. That's not my repsonsiblity, which I more and more are both begining to understand and carry out in my behavior. Great progress.
Deservedness to heal
I'm feeling something new - like i actually deserve to heal and feel good. I didn't even know that I didn't felt that before, but now I am starting to feel it. Probably the module from E2 that is helping with that.
I'm beginning to understand how greatly my life have been shaped by my belief that I was a "caretaker" of other people. How I got around and catered their needs because I never understood how, or even that it was OK, to cater my own needs. The habits become extra obvious around my mom, as it is from there they stem. How she expect me to cater to her needs, and how she get upset when I don't. A simple thing as sitting and having dinner, I sit by myself and just relax after dinner and digest the food, listen to the birds and so on, I don't think that you need to talk so much, especially around family because you know each other and can just be. But my mom is constantly craving attention, and trying to drag it out from me, but when I don't fall into the "traps" that I have been doing for my whole life, she get upset.
I now know that it's OK to cater to my own needs and I am starting to feel that I have needs. I don't really know that I did that before. I can see in my previous behavior how I tried to make other people happy to keep myself happy. I now know that is not a sustainable solution, and I know I need to take responsibility to make myself happy - first, by healing, and learning not to focus so much on how other people are feeling (this is actually pretty scary to me I have to admit)
I went with some friends for a little weekend trip and had a pretty good time. At one time I made a joke and everyone was laughing so open heartidly (including myself) which I haven't done in a long time. We spinned on off the joke and had a really good laugh. It felt good, even though I maybe couldn't dive into the experience fully, but I am not giving to much attention to that detail, it was a good moment!
Today was a pretty tought day to start with. I really felt shitty, worthless and somewhat hopeless, and had urges to switch sub (woho, seems as it's working!) to ASC or DMSI for some reason. But I just rode it out, knowing it's probably something related to what E2 is doing at the moment. But now I feel better
E2 - 38 days
Something is happening with my vision. I see things clearer, not just methaphorically (which I do too), but physically. My vision have improved. I have read people who get better from depression can experience this, so thats cool!
I have refound my love for music, and it's even better than it was before! I can feel it again!
E2 - 40 days
When I am listening someimes, often in the morning, it feels like a weight is lifted from my chest, and I am able to breathe more easily.
(06-13-2018, 12:13 AM)Frosted Wrote: [ -> ]How long have you ran E2 for a total of?
I ran E2 for over 6 months a while ago but then it didn't work. I was so dissociated that subliminals just made me confused and dizzy. I did it for 6 months as it felt as my "last resort".
But now I am more stable and have almost gotten over the dissociation. This time I have runned it for 40 days so far, and it works now, compared to before.