I have a serious urge to quit E2 and buy DMSI. But I know this feeling and the rationales behind it. It's not a guided conscious choice, but rather more impulsive, so it's most likely resistance popping up. My root chakra is vibrating and pulsating from time to time, so something deep is being worked on. I feel urges to reach out to my ex GF and have some co-dependent feelings coming up. Looking forward to looking back in one week and see the development.
Aaaah... I just needed to write myself off here. I have some kind of sexual oneitis for my ex-gf. I get fantasies about her, and still feel almost obsessed in my thinking about getting her sexually turned on and just the thought of having sex with her. I guess this isn't really emotionally healthy so I hope E2 will help me with that. I have read somewhere a guy who wrote that he rarely think about his ex gf anymore.
But it's like those thoughts are so rewarding, but it feels like an addiction of some sort. Like a desire that I don't really have under control. But I know it isn't healthy because my thoughts about her take up space that can be thought on girls in general. And that give signs that's kind of obsessive thinking, just zooming in on her.
I remember how it felt to make her excited, and how it felt to look into her eyes and feeling that strong emotions, that lust, desire and just diving right into it. Like raw sexual energy. That really got me hooked.
EDIT:
i started to do some reflection on the reason why I got depressed, something I haven't been able to do before. I was in a really bad place, had broken up with my girlfriend and moved to a new apartment, didn't know what to do with my life, had tons of anxiety and smoked a lot of pot. Then I met this girl who now is my ex GF. And in some way, I got obsessed with her. Really. Everything I could think about was her. And then I started to feel inferior to her. I am not sure it was because of her, because of the state i was in, but probably a combination. That was how I found subliminal shop and alpha male. I decided to run it to become and alpha for her. Everything handled about pleasing her. I ran AM and didn't listen to the signals my body was sending me, I was going downhill and fast. AM is a challenging program and you need to have a core self to be able to handle it. AM guides your core to become stronger, to challenge itself and grow. But if you don't have a core, if you are so down into anxiety and have almost lost yourself and everything you know, this challenge can become too much. That was what happened. AM broke me down to a level that no human being should have to experience. I know this now, 2 or 3 years later, I have lost count, but the state I was in was horrible, constant horror, fear and loss of self. It's hard to imagine even for me who have lived through it.
Anyway, I have pondered about the reason behind why everything went south, and slowly I am starting to be capable of grasping the bigger picture and understanding what I did to myself during that period.
Instead of becoming obsessed with a girl and running AM to become the person she probably wanted me to become, because that was what I was aiming for - not to become my strongest self for myself, but to become the person I saw in her eyes that she wanted me to be. And that is a slippery slope. Women are amazing because I truly believe that they can see our strongest self and help us towards that, but if you don't have your own compass and can see if this expectations are unrealistic and be able to take a step back for a minute, you will get lost inside that hunt, the hunt to become someone in the eyes of someone else. You must first be the person you are and be happy with it, be happy to be alone, not needing to please someone else but yourself, find a direction to grow in and THEN you have a base to spring from and benefit from the wisdom that women hold in helping you finding your strongest self.
Some observations
- Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who is "awake" and that other people are just going through their day in some kind of dreaming state. I can't really put my finger on it, but it's how it feels
- I met a friend and his old GF and I felt I got an easy and authentic connection with her. It felt like it use to, I have always had a easy time connecting with girls, it feels like girls sometimes are more honest then guys I know, like they cut through all the bullshit and just are themselves. My guy-friends always put on some kind of charade, I guess it's fear related.
- I'm tired of one of my guy friens, it feels like he always want something from me, he feels so damn insecure and needy. It's taxating. And when I don't give him validation he just gets even more insecure. Don't know what it's about.
- When I said thanks to the girl waiter at restaurant it just felt very real again, like we struck a connection. I have a hard time to explain it, but it feels like I can reach out to people in an authentic manner. More real and honest.
- I have lots of anger that I can release in my muay thai practise, which feels like something I need to do to become more grounded and relaxed. Still some tension in my body, even though that it is decreasing. Sleep is better and I feel more relaxed when waking up, no the anxious feeling I previously had.
E2 is working on my fears. I am seeing life through a different perspective, a perspective that I didn't see before because my unwillingness to face my fears was blocking it. I'm only scratching the surface, and yet I am realizing that I have been hiding behind illusions and smokescreens, in an almost compulsive manner. As I am feeling my fears, I am opening up to new things and new meanings of life, new challenges, a more real world, which is way more complex than I have thought it is, but also more precious, vulnerable and rewarding. I can more clearly see and understand how other people hide with the compulsive illusions and right now I feel sorry for them, not being on the path of tasting a truer essence of life, but staying put in the comfortable world of self delusion.
(I am thinking "wtf am I really writing this kind of things" when writing this. I didn't know I had the capacity for this. I always have been subconsciously thinking that deep thinking and living a real life was for other people, not for me)
This quote you Jung Ian true on many levels:
People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.
Carl Jung
I watched some old videos of myself and reflected that I don't really think that I have been happy in my life. Like there always have been something there that got in way of happiness. An inability to relax and enjoy just living, always trying to achieve something and not enjoying the present moment. Not being honest with who I am, but always playing some kind of charade. That shit is ending now. I'm being honest with who I am, because I know it's the only way to live life.
Yesterday when I went to bed after listening to E2 for one hour I had a real surge of sexual desires and fantasies, like all my kinky thoughts just poured into my mind. Pretty nice but I had trouble falling asleep in the middle of that. I guess it’s the sacral chakra being stimulated, as it feels coverns over a sexuality. I kept away from masturbating to the fantasies, and my NoFap journey continues! 12 days and counting. I had some dreams during the night that felt profound, but I couldn't remember them when waking up, just having the feeling that something was dealt with during the night.
I keep working on my root chakra as it’s not really there yet, still feel a bit ungrounded with worry about finances, concentration problems and problem keeping my distance to people. My root chakra meditation is starting to feel deeper and I am reaching new levels of relaxation, and for some reason while I relax I am also more aware of my fear, which make it feel like I am fearful of relaxing, even though I am not sure of the causation there, rather than the two are taking place in the same arena and I am getting in contact with both, disregarded from their contrasting nature.
I met with my ex girlfriend yesterday and we talked about the last years, we have been together for about 1,5 years and been meeting on and off for maybe 1,5 longer. I have been ill during the time, and really been out of it, mentally and emotionally ill, but she have stayed with me. All the talk I have done about her sexually manipulating me and stuff haven't really been her, but my own insecurities being manifested. I realize this now, and I know this is the only healthy way to look at it. Something I have to grow out to, just like Shannon have stated when I have brought the matter to his attention.
Anyway, we talked and it felt really good just talking things through, I realize how much I really like her, even though I know we can't be together. She is a wonderful person and I am so happy that I got to know her, but also that I'm able to start to see this. She really has a wonderful way of looking at people, and this is something that I will bring with me, to always see the positive things in others and seeing their goodness.
That she stayed with me really helped me, but also caused problems for her, creating a kind of co-dependency. We talked about that and I think that it may have helped her to bring the thing out and just talking about it.
We decided to say goodbye to each other and I couldn't really take it in at that moment but man what I cried on my way home from her and during the whole evening. It really felt like something ended there, and that made me so sad. I have a bit of a hard time to put words on my feelings but I know that my heart is a bit broken right now and I need to grief some more before being open to meeting someone else in the future.
Finally it have started to happen. The fear that have been controlling me so deeply is starting to dissolve. I am starting to become aware of that I can act independently from other people, not needing to take their needs into consideration. What held me in place before was the fear of their reaction if I didn’t gave them attention, and I know that some people have used my fear of conflict to their advantage. And I also know that it stems from my interactions with my mom during my upbrining. She is that way. If she don’t get your attention she get upset. And for anyone else, who isn’t her son, that isn’t a big deal. Then she is just an upset woman, but for me that reaction is, or at least have been, hard coded into my behavior. I have been on edge, looking for signs that someone is going to be upset, and changed my behavior according to this, beating around the bush. But now, I have a ”place” to be, where I don’t need to be on guard all the time, but can relax into my own body and consciousness, creating a distance to other people. This wasn’t an option before. It’s probably something that you could plot on a PTSD-scale, same with people who have a hard time being around crowds. It’s all fear, and fear put a block between you and the safe place that is always there inside of you. That place that other people may take for granted, their original place of ”being”, for us not having this place, life is a constant battle, being constantly on your feet around other people. I’m so damn happy to know that this place actually exist in me as well, and isn’t just something that other people can do, as I have thought before. Fear have always limited me in life, and I am finally starting to get some hope that I will overcome it.
I am reading a book called ”Stop walking on eggshells - Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” and I am now more than sure that my mom actually has BPD. What I gained from the book was the understanding that people with BPD are unable to deal with their own painful emotions, and many of their interactions with people i about avoiding these emotions. So when my mom craves my attention and response to her behavior is a refuge to not having to deal with that she is alone with her emotions (as everyone is), and when she don’t get that constant comfort from other people she get upset and use manipulation techniques to get what she want. She has used fear on me (among other things) but that is what I’m finally geting around. I’m starting to be able to understand that her behavior isn’t actually something to get upset about, but it’s a disease, not saying that everything should be accepted, but I am getting more clear about stuff. And I am getting clear on the most important thing right now, how to protect myself, and overcome my own justifications to get pushed down by her manipulative techniques and get a sense that I need to take care of myself first without feeling guilty or fearful about it.
I started to think that E2 is actually helping me, you can see that I am a bit sceptical when I have run it for more than 7 months, but I guess this is a healthy sceptisism. Anyway, I though about that I actually think that I will run E2 for longer than I have thought. I have no stress that I need to change to some other sub to achieve something, but I know that I need to do my healing right and all the way before switching to something else. E2 is exactly what I need right now, and having this knowledge or what you can call it, feels great I tell you. I am however looking forward to E3 and to try out the FRM which I have read many good thing about and I expect that it probably could help me even more efficiently with my problems surrounding fear.
EDIT:
I reflected some on how I felt like a child, and my dad was really my safe haven, I had anxiety and worried a lot, more than normal kids i guess, that something would happen to him. He was my damn everything, and still is. I hope and try working on myself to keep this, but also grow my own independence which will be important for my emotional health for the rest of my life. I’m really starting to realize how precious life is again!
I am also starting to think about running AM6 in the future. Maybe in 6 months, hard to say when, but i’ll know when I be ready then. I ran AM6 before, but it wasn’t what I needed at that time. I was to unstable at the time, and when the program was ment to create ”calculated imbalances” (I think that’s the phrasing from the product page), that actually set me way out of balance. I look back on how I ran the program with unrealistic expectations, I wasn’t grounded in reality but thought that the program would work as magic, and I tried to use it that way. It didn’t work, it acutally hurt me (and I know this is my fault, not the programs). I was unwise and shouldn’t made the decision to run the program at that time, but done is done, and the only thing to do is to learn from your mistake and not repeat them. I now practise grounding every day, running root chakra meditation meditation morning and evening and I am starting to become more and more grounded in reality and my body. I haven’t been grounded for my whole life, so this is something new, the stability that you can get from being in contact with your body. Anyway, AM6 really is interesting from a self-development perspective and I am inclined to do it in the future when my healing is done.
I'm starting to change the way I relate to other people. Previously I have fallen into trying to change them, but as I am growing more secure in myself I'm less and less invested in what other people do. Interesting change, I look forward experiencing more of this change. Like, if they are having a bad day - so what? Let them have it, I'm not getting my vibe invested in that shit. If they want to interact with me, well change the way you are doing it.
I have come to understand that a lot of people don't look for your best well-being. They use you as a refuge to don't have to deal with their own problems. It's not just people who are diagnosed with BPD, it's more common than that. People who complain and want you to agree with them, it's exactly the same. They are energy thieves. People who have had the curage to deal with their own problems, they can help you to deal with yours, and they can be real friends.
EDIT:
I started to reading a book called "Mode one", about being honest towards yourself, your needs, and your intentions towards women. I like it, it's head on, clearly written.
I started to feel anger again. Just plain anger. You know the one that drives you forward, the one that would kick the ass of a mugger who would attack your friend, the one that make you want to be alive. That anger. I have missed that anger. It's like where there was fear before, now there is anger.
I can start to feel grounded again. Being relaxed. I can start to feel all that worry and anxiety that I have held in my body and start to release it, little by little. I'm starting to feel less fearful. Less affected by my mothers mood. More myself. Stronger. More confident. A direction in me is growing. This is good.
Previously I beat around the bush around my mother. Now I am once again, as I have been before, just do whatever I want (not in a negative or dominant way, just doing my regular business) without needing to take into account on how it would affect her mood. That's freedom. That's not being afraid of fear. That life for christ sake.
I just finished "mode one". I liked it. It was easy, not overcomplicated and put some real hard truths there. A good starting point on becoming more genuine and open with your desires and the way to interact with others. I will read it again. I got some eye openers on how I have been hiding behind fear, and trying to be more frieds with the girls and get them to like me, rather than to interact from my own desires and needs. I think this stems pretty deep as I have had problems with self-esteem and feeling that I "deserve to exist" which is a really fundamental thing to self-esteem. My desires and needs haven't always been fully appreciated in my home growing up and it's just now that I am learning that this are my birth-rights. Not in a domineering way to put my needs over someone else, but my right to have them and to express them in a healthy way. Previously I have regarded them altogether as something that was "ugly" or "egoistical", even just having them or feeling them, such as feeling anger and setting boundaries. ALL OF THIS SHIT FROM MY MF*CKING MOTHER. Sorry but that shit is really starting to come up now, so much freaking anger of not setting boundaries in the past that I realize now and how much I have been taken advantage of just because I didn't say no. As in the book he talks about that "A monkey can only sit on your back if your back is bent" and that is so true, it is up to me to make those changes and to set those limits, but what I am f*cking pissed about is my mother using her fear and her egoistical motives to limit me, just because she can't handle me setting boundaries, it's just so...egoistical. Purely egoistical. My resentment toward her grow every day and I think it will keep growing for a while until I'm able to overcome this and feel that I have restored my sense of inner balance and ability to set boundaries. It's a form an individualization I guess. But right now...phew, man I really hate that person. My whole body just hate her guts.
One thing I don't fully support in the book though is how he talk about using interest from other women to boost your own value to who you are currently seeing. I don't think this is sustainable, as it is dependent upon something outside yourself. Sure you are more desirable because of the demand/supply dynamics of the situation, but I think that you should make your attention the resource that is of a limited supply. You don't have to have other women to divide it between to make it limited, but learn to give it to yourself, and when you are giving it to a women it's limited because you are not currently giving it to yourself.
A quote from the book regarding what I talked about above.
Quote:Always avoid giving a woman the impression that she is the only female who is interested in you romantically and/or sexually; Generally, women lose interest in you if they feel that they are the only ones who are interested in you. Interest from women attracts interest from other women. Women are most attracted to men who they know other women find appealing.
If you have two or more women interested in you, don’t try to hide that. If anything, emphasize it. Women tend to become more intrigued by you when they perceive themselves as being in ‘competition’ with other women for your attention, interest, and companionship.
Some other quotes that I however like especially was
Quote:The primary time I’ve had women express a high interest in me, only to see that interest diminish in less than a month later, has been times when I behaved as though I was too eager to be ‘exclusive’ with that woman. In my experience, I have found that women tend to perceive an overanxious attitude towards exclusivity as a sign of loneliness and desperation. Both are big turn-offs for most women.
I buy into this, because of the importance to learn to appreciate your own company, because otherwise you are just fleeing from being alone when seeking other people companionship.
Quote:Because for many women, and manipulative women in particular, when you criticize them, you’re acknowledging that they’re able to frustrate you, and get under your skin.
Some real wisdom here
Quote:What those women were really saying was that my behavior was too lenient and too accommodating. My behavior was not firm enough, or demanding enough. Even more specifically, my behavior was not provocative enough.
Interesting that your honesty will be looked upon as provocative, and that create attraction. I haven't really thought about it in those terms before.
I'm starting to feel more and more safe in the present moment. More relaxed, not as fearful. It's hard to describe to anyone who haven't felt what I did, which is something between PTSD and derealization. Or maybe not that hard, but it's like you are constantly fearful, can't really relax, doesn't matter where you are, even at home in the sofa you can't really just sink down and be calm. It's like there is always something there, something that you need to do, something that will happen do you, something that hangs over your head. And this can't be mediated by you using your thinking or don't think about it, it's ALWAYS there. That is the really troubling part, you can never really relax. Social settings become hard because you can't just be yourself, it's something in the way of you being relaxed and reaching that.
But now, with my daily root chakra meditations and E2 I am starting to be able to relax. It's like I am slowly breaking through a layer of ice on the water and underneath I will rediscover myself and be able to just float along. But it takes time to break ice and you need to work on it daily, because otherwise it will just freeze again, and your progress will revert. So slowly but steadily I have been able to break through the ice, sometimes thinking I have finally broken trough, but just to the next day realise that it was just an outer layer. Now it feels like I can almost see the water seeping through at where I am, and realise that there is actually water underneath - because at times I have even doubted that, that I will be able to ever again reach the calm waters that lay under the ice. But now I know, there is water, and it's not too far away.
My dad felt a bit sick today so it was just me and my mother having dinner. It was a total silent dinner. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything to her, first of all it always feels like she just don't get me, like she always interpret everything I say in a bad way, and I just didn't had the energy for that shit. I was just silent. And that should be OK to be, according to me. You don't always have to talk. She was super uncomfortable, I could see, but I kept telling myself that it's not my responsiblity to make her comfortable. I can't engage in that anymore. I don't have the energy for it, it's not my thing to handle. She need to learn to deal with her own stuff. It was weird, but it somewhat felt like the thing I needed to do. She is talking shitty towards me sometimes during the day, screaming and craving attention and this felt like my way of telling her that is not OK, because she don't understand when I say it to her at the time that she does it (screams or talk down). It just felt like the right thing to do, I couldn't really pull myself to do anything else and talk about nonsense, I just couldn't. Is this a work of E2? I kept thinking that a lot of my conversations with her stem from guilt in trying to make her feel good, and maybe this is a turning point where I stop listen to that guilt and start listening to my own real emotions?
I notice that I am having an easier time to keep focused when dealing with things and can keep a more clear head on how to solve problems and situations, rather than as before being "shut down" when faced with difficulties and getting very irritated at people (especially my mother) when they needed help.
I am hearing the lines of "far from the shallow now" (from the main song in A star is born), maybe a message from the subconscious that I am starting to be able to deal with deeper stuff? Interesting in that case!