The sub is working on my heart area right now and i slowly feel like a tension is lifted from my chest. I notice how I am becoming less anxious about taking care of doing stuff, like calling the IRS to fix some problem, texting friends, etc. I am also starting to feel somewhat more peaceful inside. It feels good.
I have ended the relationship with my psychologist. I did so because I felt insecure when leaving her office, and realized that she was unable to help me with that I needed. I need someone who can help me to rebuild my "world", the way I look at things, people, etc. But she just wanted me to confirm her world-view, and also her view of me. So, that was really not what I needed, so terminate without regret. Got a couple of names of people I will look into.
On another note, I had some kind of anger release today, sitting in my car just screaming, it felt good, haha, I needed it. Went to the gym and took out some anger.
Don't really know what more to write, more than that I am fucking tired of not feeling really like myself, and really fucking tired of feeling insecure. I know I will get over it, but I'm just freaking tired of it. And I want to have someone in my life to support me. Right now I don't feel that I have someone like that. My dad is getting old and feel a bit lost, and that is bugging be down...and my mom, she is my mom, can't really help other people, as she mostly focus on her own issues, complain, etc.
Whatever. going to a weekend out in the nature with some friends tomorrow, let's see how the weekend unfold. I know that I have friends who maybe can support me, but I don't really know how to ask for it without feeling needy.
PS. I am feeling better, don't get me wrong, it's getting better and better, even if it's still pretty sucky.
Wow had some really intense emotions to deal with today. Feelings of being totally worthless, like I don't matter at all, people can't hear what I say, I can't reach out to anyone, I am a looser, I will be alone and unemployed forever - A LOT. Still have somewhat negative feelings but it's passing. Guess some healing is being done. I focus my attention on my root chakra and feel how it's opening up. Root chakra is related to feelings of self-worth so that adds up.
For the first time in around 3 years, I am starting to feel grounded again. I start to feel like myself again, back with my feet on the ground, and I'm starting to recognize myself in the mirror again. It's not just thanks to E2, even though it have helped, but it's all of the continous work with meditation, TRE, physical exercise that is starting to pay off.
It's like I can just "be" again, not feeling all worried all the time and unable to just stand still. Like I have been on a boat drifting in lake, trying to grab onto branches as they pass, getting the boat to stand still for a moment, but always feeling the branch breaking and I'm drifting of again. It have been scary, frustrating and just..felt like it would never end. But it has, or at least starting to end. I'm seeing the light in the tunnel so to speak. I know that I will be able to function normally shortly.
Alrighty! I can finally share some positive stuff with you guys. I have had the feeling that much of my previous posts was (understandably though) about negative stuff. But as I feel that the clouds are finally starting to disperse, I can also start so see some positive stuff happening, and also in a way keeping the memories "in mind". Like there is a container where I can store my emotions and memories, where there previously haven't been one.
So:
1) Had some really good laughing with my dad over Fawly Towers (brittish comedy series with John Cleese) and some random stuff yesterday. Can't remember when I had that before. We relate a lot to each other through humor, so it feels good to know that the connection is still there.
2) I feel more confident in social interactions, even though that people don't always recieve me positively I can now carry the knowledge that it doens't have to do with just me, everyone has their stuff. And even though it could be because of that I am a bit awkward, that is fine, haha.
3) I feel more like myself in general. Like that the humor is back, and I feel like _me_ again.
4) I confront my fears, have had some big fears coming up especially during my muay thai practices but I face them, and feel stronger after I have done it.
5) I feel more grounded. Like today I took a chill out moment after my muay thai exercise and layed in the grass, and I could litteraly feel the ground underneath me more than usually, and just felt in some fundamental way content. I felt good!
Also though about some stuff.
I have been working with chakras for a while and reading books on it and interested myself in how the subsconcious is built up to what it is. How the different chakras contribute to who we are. Like the root chakra is our survival-part, and our most fundamental self, our sacral chakra governs our relationships with other people, and our solar plexus chakra is our ego. I just find it really interesting and more and more tangible, and how I can see how other people are, because of their different chakras. It's really mind-blowing...
It's also interesting that when I listen to E2 I can "feel it work" on my heart chakra.
In some way my whole conciousness is changing.
Interesting things ahead. No doubt.
Been almost 1 month since i wrote last time. I have now run E2 for 3 months and almost 3 weeks.
I have had some really rewarding releases during the month, crying and just feeling the tension disappearing from my body. Crying, screaming, laughing, whatever I felt needed. Often in my car as I find this as "safe place"
My mood is overall very much better, I can focus and do stuff that previously would infuriate me. I can even enjoy some peoples company. I just feel more relaxed (I would never think that this would be possible). I don't feel fully grounded yet, but that is OK, and I know that I will if I just keep on working with my meditation practise and my TRE-exercises. As I'm not fully grounded, I'm also not so confident around other people, but this is also OK. I'm just more content and don't feel "on edge" like I was before.
Just going around in a store would be a big deal for me, being worried and just feeling uneasy, but that is no longer a problem. I love go doing groceries, planning to cook food, etc. I see the small things that I enjoy in life and build from that
A couple of weeks ago I threw a birtday party for my own honor with around 15 people to whom I cooked, it went very well. Everyone was happy and impressed with my cooking and I sat around chitchatting and had a few good laughs. I have a trip planned in a couple of months with some friends which I really look forward to!
So - things are not great and "as they should be" but I feel OK and I am OK with the situation, which is HUGE progress and just being able to "be" is so valuable to me, from previously being torn and just being miserable. I am not so damn worried about being in social situations, I know it's going to be fine, previously I was scared to death just being around other people. I sleep better, even though I have some nightmares and feel pretty dizzy in the morning and a bit lost.
Oh yeah and my breath is much more full, I can really "breathe with my body" if someone can relate to this. And I have much more energy overall.
My mind is still cluttered, let's say functioning at 60 %, but this is still an improvement, as it previously was at maybe 20-25 %.
I am less interested in trying to convince people of my view at things, and are more fine with just having my view myself. That's a bit freeing, not needing to..hm..."turn people" or what you should call it, to my perspective all the time. I am fine with being the only one having my perspective, not needing others to see what I see. I guess this is a part of self-validation.
I'm finally starting to be able to relax my body. Yesterday when I went to bed I could feel my legs again, and I was able to relax. This is huge for me, I'm finally getting grounded again. Peoples emotional states doesn't affect my as much, stil a a bit but I'm sure that I will be totally fine in this perspective shortly.
I feel like I have myself back again. That I'm starting to have someone to fall back onto, that there is a confidence slowly coming back. A stability.
I notice my dad is being irritated over stuff, I'm not longer behaving in ways he want and adjusting to his will in stuff. I'm not very bothered by it, as I know it's just his problem and I know that I don't need to adjust myself to make someone else happy or don't feel insecure (as long as I am not doing it actively). I'm my only responsibility.
I went out partying yesterday and had a pretty good time. I have been pretty lost lately about what I am striving for, what are my goals, why am I running E2, etc. And I think most of it is about getting in touch with myself again, my feelings, and being able to connect with people. When you connect with others, things become so much easier. You can talk to girls easier, you have a good time just in general. So that's my goal.
Chit-chatted with some girls and had some laughs, and I see that as good progress. I love making girls laugh and just enjoying their company. No action, but some hugging and closeness which was nice to be able to enjoy again. Kind of starting to like one of the girls I hanged out with, just her vibe and presence, how her hair smelled and yeah.. just that.
Life is ment to be lived and enjoyed and I am moving towards that slowly...but steadily.
An update regarding my situation with my mother.
She can't control me anymore. I have control over myself, so she can't control with her manipulative tricks anymore. This create a sensation of conflict, and it somewhat emerges from time to time, but I can stand my ground and not letting her get to me. It feels amazing. My personal power is coming back.
And just a small thing. Yesterday when I went to bed, I could look forward to getting up eating breakfast the next day. I have not been able to do that even if I wanted for a long time.
As my personal power power is emerging is feel I am Letting go of all the guilt that I have been holding onto transfered from my mom in the quest of having my cater her needs. I keep telling my self "she is a real bitch" and it feels sooo damn good to finally be able to recognize this.
I have decided to run ASC after im done with E2. My prognosis is that I will run E2 for around 3 more month before I am ready to switch.
I think i start to see how the "pull your self towards your future self"-module work.
I catch myself thinking about things that I want to write here in the journal, or see myself in situations where I want to be, as if they are goals that I am striving towards. Interesting!
Haha, funny twist that is happening when I am getting more grounded/centered/stable in myself is that I find my connection stronger to my mother, as I am having more problems with my dad who I find annoying, needy and overall ignorant. Interesting.