I know that E2 is playing in the background even though i stopped with it last weekend. Some deep stuff is being processed, high levels of anxiety today, just in general, but I feel that stability is uncovered underneath. It's just a matter of time until I am back in business. Under all those layers of anxiety I know I will find myself again, and I'm already noticing it.
I went out this weekend on a concert and had some fun observations. I was on the dancefloor and really feeling the music and it felt like I was taking in all the vibes from the music and sending it out on the dancefloor, I felt awesome at certain points! And at one time there was a girl that I noticed was drawn towards me, standing very close to me and dancing and her boyfriend (i think) became very insecure and started to giving her kisses and trying to drag her away from me. It happened a couple of times, until he at last placed himself between me and her. Another girl was also kind of attracted to me, and from nowhere came a guy and almost pushed me and went up and kissed the girl.
Today I woke up feeling better then I can remember I have felt in a time. Just more calm and present.
It feels like I loose myself around certain people. Around my mom, it's like when she talk to me I just get messed up and loose my bearing. I don't know how to explain it but it's really frustrating. And one friend I have it's the same deal. It's like I am a slave under their opinion of me or something.
I have realized something. I have all my life felt other peoples emotions, and tried to be some kind of "cushion" to ease their pain, unconsciously taking on the responsibility for it, and in turn placing my own emotional needs in the backseat. This have been my second nature, something I just have done. It have resulted in that I have had a hard time to understand who I am and who I am when no one is around. I can see how my parents have created this behavior in me due to their co-dependent way of living. They haven't really gotten to know each-other but have had me as some kind of mediator in between them. And when I don't do this, they don't know how to act, and they get irritated and often irritated at me. I have felt so much guilt then that I just thought that "well then I must be doing something wrong" and went back to my mediator-role.
But now I am working on my fears and guilt and started to realize that I maybe don't have to take this role, because when I don't have to live though the emotions of other people, I don't have to be stuck in that prison anymore. I'm slowly breaking away from this prison as there is a lot of fear attached to it, but I am pretty confident that with patient work i will overcome it.
Just came home from a weekend on the country-side with some new friends. It was really good, I enjoyed it very much. And I realized how good I feel coming away from home and my parents, and how much I need it. Sometimes they just drag me down and I don't need that shit.
When I am more centered, my mother can't get me dragged into the victim-role shit. Lol, she is really such a negative person. I can overpower it with my own positivity and she just is left alone with her blaming and it hits herself, in your f*cking face you f*cking bitch. Take it. Suck it. Ain't no pardons given out here, if you want to get out of your situation you are on your own. I will not give you anything less than you have given me.
It's not really my dads fault that he sometimes is like he is, it's just a coping mechanism to deal with my assh*le b*tch c*nt f*cker mother. Lol I really hate that person. I hope that the aura in E3 can help him too when I am around.
I'm starting to realize to how self serving and dependent my parents are, and how I previously have just given in to that. But as I am getting better at setting boundaries this become less of my problem.
I'm really, really, looking forward to E3. Hoping it will be out soon.
I'm finally starting to feel boundaries between myself and other people. Like there is a "me" and that there is ok for me to have a sense of self. It's crazy writing this out, but this have seriously been the situation. My mom has really f*cked me up growing up, not feeling that I can have a different opinion and be a separate person from her, because that would cause her so much pain and turmoil. When we eat and sit down it's like she gets angry just if I don't pay attention to everything she say (and it's mostly complaining and negative things so it's no mystery why I don't want to waste my energy on that). But previously I felt very reactive to her, and how she treated me. But I'm starting to be able to keep my calm more and keep my center and not get dragged into her turmoil as I was before. I can keep my head straight and my thoughts of separateness, rather to be sucked in to her f*cked up frame. I can have a separate will and I am feeling the underlying anger and self-respect needed to have that. Not in a outlashing way, but in a self-empowering way. I guess it's guilt/shame/fear that have made me have a hard time with this before and working on those things seems to have an effect. Maybe it's even TID from E3 that have started to work.
I have realized that my desire for girls are mostly stemmed from a need, rather than a want. So I'll need to take care of myself and heal enough so that I feel content with myself before going after girls, as otherwise it'll only be a way to fill a hole in myself and will end with more problems.
I think you would like Zan Perrion's material going from your last post. His stuff is great.
(03-07-2019, 06:09 AM)Kol Wrote: [ -> ]I think you would like Zan Perrion's material going from your last post. His stuff is great.
Thanks man. I'll look into it!
It really feels like E2 has bloomed during these weeks that I have taken a break. There is a new paradigm of how I'm looking at life slowly growing, a more healthy and cooperative way of interacting with others and myself. More hope, and I can feel more of the future rather than being stuck with problems in my surroundings. I'm starting to be able to have a sense of what I want with my life, even if I have a bit of a hard time to formulate it, but I'm confident that it will unfold naturally as I heal. I'm less invested in what other people are doing, and more focused on my internal state of happiness but I at the same time feel more connected to others (you have to understand yourself to understand others-type of thing). However I still feel affected by my mothers temperament and her misdirected anger towards me still bugs me down and affect my mood. I hope that E3 will take care of this with it's healing and the auric shield. The problem with her is that she feels so damn sorry for herself, but I watch myself to get dragged into that. It's like a dark hole and if you just give her a finger she will take whatever she will get to make herself feel better and not have to deal with her own shit. Lesson learned, even if it has been a really hard one. But the fear that made me engage into it is slowly disappearing and I can set my own boundaries of what I want and don't want to engage in.
I went to work and chatted with my colleagues yesterday (I haven't really been working the last year, but recovering from my burn-out), they felt very understanding and compassionate and I felt supported, that was a great feeling. I feel that this workplace is really right for me, it's in a field that I am interested in and I know there is much to learn from my boss and co-workers with many opportunities to grow. I am actually looking forward to getting back to work.
I feel more connected to music, like I understand it on a deeper level.
Had much activity around my root chakra yesterday (pulsation and vibration), which actually just is tension that are being released during my meditation and evening relaxation routine. Today I feel more grounded, more stable, more calm. Steady wins the race! I feel more and more connected to my body.
Soon 4 weeks after i stopped listening to E2. Hoping that E3 will come out soon as I guess I am almost done processing the script. I however can hear how the script is running from time to time depending on how relaxed I am. It's like a tinnitus, but with a stop (which must be the ASBR in the audio).
Today in the shower I noticed that my amount of chest hair has increased noticeably. Maybe it's a combination of E2 and the cold showers. Maybe it's also a combination of doing NoFap, and I am just about 2 weeks from hitting the 90-day reset. I will continue with abstinence from masturbation for at least a year and porn is totally cut from my life.
I am torn between buying E3 or LTU 5.0. I initially had decided for E3 but as I saw that the auric shield wasn't going to be in E3, my inclination toward LTU 5.0 have begun to rise. I read through LTU 5.0 and I must say that I really like what I read. I have asked a question to Shannon in his journal about it so we'll see what he say. What I am concerned with is that LTU 5.0 will focus more on other stuff than healing and because of that make my healing suffer (which I am really in need of right now). But I guess Shannon have thought about that, but I still had to ask.
What I need is help to heal and to feel grounded again. To be able to be present without feeling the constant turmoil inside that have been tormenting me for the last 3 years, triggered by a bad drug experience (this is my hypothesis of when it started). But in some way, I don't know if it's TID from E3/LTU that is working, but the latest week I have made huge improvements on my overall mood and relaxation levels. This morning I felt healing going on inside of my and tension being worked on, far more effect than I experienced from E2. So I don't know if it's E2 blooming after my break (which was just about 1 month ago) or TID from the other programs, or the healing was aided by that I did some ketamine this weekend on a party and later going out. I felt soooo relaxed in my body, and I felt like I was able to reprogram my brain from all the fear I have been going around feeling all the time. It was really amazing. Walking home in the morning I felt better than I can remember feeling in a long time, life was beautiful. I can really see how the drug can be used to treat depression, and I know it is been used that way in the US and it tested for using for that purpose in my country right now.
One other thing that talks to me in choosing LTU is the detox, as I hope it can help me overcome my constant brain-fog and be able to think clearly again.