E2 - 4 months, 1 week, 3 days
I start to realize why I got into the deep depression I have been in:
When I ended my relationship with my girlfriend from 5 years, it felt like my heart imploded. Everything got turned upside down, and I realized how much she was my emotional "home". I have let someone else be my emotional safeguard instead of being it myself. This spiraled and I started using drugs (Ecstacy, Cocaine and Cannabis). I lived my myself, isolated myself from my friends when I should have used them the most. Smoked more cannabis, met a girl who I tried to use in the same way as my ex, but it didn't work.
And then it happaned. I got a really bad trip, and was so damn afraid that something broke inside of me. I think I developed PTSD after this, starting to get even more socially withdrawn and it felt like I lost myself and connection to reality. Everything was scary, a lot of confusion and despair.
E2 have finally helped me to heal this hole in my chest and I am starting to feel more like myself and be able to function more and more normally. Thank you Shannon for this, I don't know how I would be able to heal this gently and relatively quickly if you haven't done your hard work.
Frequent updates right now but you have to live with that
I noticed something new. I look forward to exercise, and start to be able to feel in my body what I need it. I'm more connected to my body (i guess this is hard to imagine for someone who hasn't experienced it, but I coulnd't feel my body for a while). I usually go to the gym and work with a punching bag with hits and kicks from what I have learned from going to my Muay Thai practise. And before I just went there because I knew that I would feel better from doing it, but doing it was just a pain in the ass. Can't explain why really, it was just uncomfortable and didn't feel like I had all the power that I should have. But now... I feel it's back. The kicks are harder, so are the punches. The moves more coordinated. I sit here in my chair in front of the computer but I can replicate the feeling in my body of how it feels. That feels...f*cking amazing to have it back. I have so much frustration and anger that have been stuck in my body that I couldn't let out but now I feel like a vessel is starting to open up and I am ready to UNLEASH THE POWER like a f*cking hulk. Come here f*ckers and I will smash you up and down (just almost kidding). Let's f*cking do this.
(09-10-2018, 03:07 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]I have decided to run ASC after im done with E2. My prognosis is that I will run E2 for around 3 more month before I am ready to switch.
I've been thinking about this as well. Currently on month 4 and I've started having some major H&C breakthroughs. Not sure if I should stop at 6 months or keep going.
Don't really want to interrupt the progress.
(09-14-2018, 03:53 PM)StridingStrider Wrote: [ -> ] (09-10-2018, 03:07 AM)Greenduck Wrote: [ -> ]I have decided to run ASC after im done with E2. My prognosis is that I will run E2 for around 3 more month before I am ready to switch.
I've been thinking about this as well. Currently on month 4 and I've started having some major H&C breakthroughs. Not sure if I should stop at 6 months or keep going.
Don't really want to interrupt the progress.
Same here. But it feel that I can wait until the 6 month mark and then make an assessment, without jumping ship and ending my run prematurely (guess it's party of the maturity). Hard to say right now how far I will be in 2 months. Fun to see that someone is doing a comparable journey!
I'm starting to like people again. My family. My mom, my dad, my brothers. I start to see things more and more positive. Like I have regained the capacity for love and positive thinking. And to myself.
I have come to realize that my mom suffer from not feeling safe and secure, and she use other people to get this feeling if she can. I have fallen into this trap before, because she in some way make you feel like you are doing something wrong if you don't "fall in line" with whatever she say or think or, it's hard to explain, if you "are" in a way she thinks are appropriate or whatever. Anyway, I am breaking away from this and leaving her in her own problems for now, I need to take care of myself. I don't have the energy to baby-sit her.
EDIT:
I thought about my formulation of the problem, and the problem is rather that she takes everything people do as it's got to do with her. Like she is being a victim when people do stuff that couldn't even be directed towards her, but she still finds it that way. It's very energy taxating if you can't shield yourself from it.
I get more and more grounded for every day. I feel like I can finally get in contact with my root chakra during my meditation and TRE-exercises and release the tension that have been holding me away from becoming relaxed and grounded.
I notice how I previously was anxious in the sauna when other people were around, or in any place for that matter, but I have an easier time to relax now. It feels great. One does not really understand the struggle a blocked root-chakra mean before you have been experiencing it. It havoc all your life, and that is really not an understatement.
I have an easier time making my self understood to others and my communication with for example my dad is much more simple as it should be. Previously it was like what I said wasn't transmitted, but lost in the eter.
Anyway, progress! I woke up this morning also feeling kind of normal and relaxed, that was nice.
I usually listen to E2 in the morning for 1 or 2 hours. When I wake up, I'm often very tense, tired and anxious with shallow breathing. When I put E2 on, the muscles around my chest relax, and I can start breathing more deeply, and my anxiety subsides. It's almost like going to a Reiki-session. The sub is helping me to relax my tense areas and work through them and it feels very pleasant
Okey.. I cried tonight to a TV-series on netflix because I was so emotionally involved in it. Haven't done that in forever. It felt really good. Nice to see this kind of milestones in the recovering process!
I read in another post about a thing called emotional guidance scare. That's great because I have been looking for a framework to assess my emotional state over time. It's basically normal emotions from bad to good, and I'm thinking I will post the scale from time to time to investigate how my emotional state develop over time. I'll try to assess the situation from an average over say the last day or days to not get just a cross section that will not really tell the whole story.
EMOTIONAL SCALE:
1 . Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2 . Passion
3 . Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4 . Positive Expectation/Belief
5 . Optimism
6 . Hopefulness
7 . Contentment
8 . Boredom
9 . Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
The bold ones have been the one I have been experiencing, and it doesn't feel like i am "done" with those emotions yet to climb to higher ones. I guess it's me working through my lower chakras, where I will for example need anger and hate to start feeling my own personal power again. I have also been feeling some of the "happier" emotions, seeing with some optimism on my own healing process, being somewhat hopeful and content, but they haven't been emotions that have stayed for longer periods, even if I feel overall more calm and content than I did before.
The positive feelings of optimistic outlook and positive expectation is towards doing stuff in general, like I am going on a trip in a couple of weeks and I feel it will be nice, and I also look forward to meeting some people in the weekend, etc.
The overall feelings a work though is insecurity and disempowerment, but I notice how I more and more get a hold of them, and know that I will overcome them over time. The insecurity is overall insecurity, I was asked on a date tonight, but I just don't feel like it, mostly because I have a hard time to relax and have a hard time enjoying it, but this is maybe at a 15-20 % feeling, where it have been 100 % discomfort previously. The disempowerment come from not feeling like I am in control of my life and destiny right now, but I also know that I will overcome this feeling by taking action little by little, as soon as I have dealt with the insecurity/problem to focus problem (that I know stem from a blocked root chakra).
I realize more about how the dynamic between my mother and I have been during my upbringing, as things start to return to "relative normal". I have been a care-taker for her, and I have also discussed this with my previous therapist. It's like she is a kid that can't take care of her own emotions. Would really be nice to have someone who can relate to this to discuss with. I always feel like I'm falling short when she is around. Like she have needs that I can't satisfy, not even in theory, because she don't even know what they are, she are just angry all the time. Dissapointed, angry and you get the feeling that things are not "just fine" as they should be when you are around her. She complicates everything, finds problems with everything, and it's just...impossible. Don't know what more to say than that. It sucks.
I have a very weak frame. This causes me big problems in life, as I am constantly thrown between other peoples wills. A few people I know that don't take advantage of this. I'm working on having a stronger frame, but it's hard. I need E2 to deal with my deeper problems, but I would at the same time need for example ASC to have stronger frame, maybe E2 can help in some way anyway.
I'm finally starting to be able to stand up for myself. Last night my mom behaved weirdly again, questioning stuff and just being weird, when we sat down eating she started asking my why I was so tired, in a voice that said "what the hell is wrong with you?". Previously I would just succumb under this because I simply didn't had the self-protecting mechanisms there, because of fear I guess. But now, I just stoped her with a straight face and asked why I can't be tired? What does that have to do with her? She said that it make her feel bad, and I asked how I am responsible for this? I really saw that I hit something there, that I in some way made her understand that I am not playing that game anymore, where she can criticize me for how I make her feel, and that felt so damn good to finally be able to do that. Me, and somewhat my dad, is living under the umbrella of her emotions, and I am done with that shit. I am not going to play part of her victimhood and inability to regulate her own emotions. My dad btw. left the table when the argument started and so did I so she was left in blame for her behavior. It's amazing that you need to treat a grown woman like a child. I was furious afterwards, shaking in my body, but it felt good, like I did something right.
I'm more centered today. Have my own "frame" or what you want to call it. Feel like I went through some kind of catharsis yesterday. Stronger, more calm and friendlier.
I feel proud over myself when reading what I wrote yesterday. Like I have grown stronger and more mature.