Subliminal Talk

I didn't end up going anywhere, as I realized that we were having freezing rain here today. Instead, I decided to cook for myself. That's when I realized that all my onions have gone rotten.

So I went out to the grocery shopping, trying to find good onions, but hey, almost all of them were quite terrible. This was a good point to talk with a random woman, struck a conversation about terrible onions and cooking and etc.....

This is a first time (maybe I have done in the past) that I talked to a stranger in a grocery store. Nevertheless, I did it.

After cooking myself a dinner (which is causing pain in my arm as I was chopping lots of stuff. I realized that I had a food processor......)

I was looking at OKC and Match again to see whom I can message, and I was suddenly realizing that online dating is creating anger in me. It's like girls get shit loads of emails/messages (which I sometimes notice in girls profile stating something like, oh yeah, don't sent me blah blah blah, because I already get like 500 of those), while I get nothing. (Like many other guys.) Also, as I was checking profiles on Match, I realized that many girls don't even put much effort other than uploading their photos. Also, the stuff they put on profile is too general to even trying to craft messages that intrigue their interests or build connections. I look through several pages, looking at attractive girls, see their profile, checking the stuff they put on and find out that there really isn't anything interesting or creative that I can latch onto. (OKC is better, but at the same time, they can be pretty general that I have difficulty forming a good message or get me really interested in them.) I am not spending much time (at best I may be spending half an hour at most), but it still feels quite draining. So yeah, I don't know what the hell I am doing, or why I'm doing online dating stuff.

Another interesting to note is that there seems to be a significant delay in the girl's response (text I sent), and yet she still replies. (Almost 100% reply) It probably doesn't mean much, but I'm still curious as if it means something. (Ironically, my head thinks that it doesn't mean anything. Or trying to tell myself that. At the same time, one part of me thinks/feels that the girl has something for me, at the same time, the other half thinks she's just annoyed by me, but being polite.)

Anyway, I will need to somehow reduce the anger, and I feel that this is not a healthy anger as it seems to create resentment and bitterness that can be left as a residue. (It is unhealthy as this will hinder any future potential relationship.)

Tomorrow, if the road is good enough, I will be going on the scavenger hunt thing tomorrow. Hopefully, tomorrow's event will be more fun and positive.

Edit: I think I just realized what the deal is with the girl. She's probably replying text before she goes to bed, and the ones I sent after her bed time, she's probably getting it afterwards. Hmm, given this, I suppose there's nothing going on, but that she's just being polite.

Damn.... Another update. I have been watching a documentary series that I haven't watched for while, and then suddenly I got a text from the girl.

I don't know I decided to up the game a little bit, and well I asked her out. (Not in a very overtly obvious way, but suggested to meet sometime.)

I have no clue how this is going to go, but oh well, I did it anyway. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing at the moment, but I'm doing it. Hopefully, I'm not shooting myself in the foot.

(01-14-2017, 10:59 PM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]Damn.... Another update. I have been watching a documentary series that I haven't watched for while, and then suddenly I got a text from the girl.

I don't know I decided to up the game a little bit, and well I asked her out. (Not in a very overtly obvious way, but suggested to meet sometime.)

I have no clue how this is going to go, but oh well, I did it anyway. I have no ***** idea what I'm doing at the moment, but I'm doing it. Hopefully, I'm not shooting myself in the foot.

In my experience, that's generally how it goes. You have no idea the whole time, and that's what makes it fun for both of you. Just go with it. If girls are texting you you prolly look pretty good or at least can make good convo.

Proud of you man.

(01-14-2017, 11:13 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]In my experience, that's generally how it goes. You have no idea the whole time, and that's what makes it fun for both of you. Just go with it. If girls are texting you you prolly look pretty good or at least can make good convo.

Proud of you man.

Thanks Sarge. I don't know if I'm good looking or can make a good conversation. I suppose I have a history of successes and failure with texting. I think I could have done more last week, but hey, I think I messed up some places. (So there were two girls in a study group, and the guy in the group thought that I was having a relationship with a girl, while he thought that I and the other girl liked each other...... I actually thought that one of the girls was attractive, and things might have gone well, but it changed quickly at one point.)

I also think that it's more to do with that girls can be rather comfortable with me. For instance, this girl was comfortable enough to ask me to help her move (unfortunately I woke up late and responded a bit late, and she no longer needed me to help her move.) My therapist thought that it was good that at least the girl was comfortable about me.

Oh well, I haven't received text since last night. (as I said her texting cycle is a bit weird, and the back and forth doesn't feel as smooth as I wan it to be.)

Midday report of Sunday. So I had this scavenger hunt thing signed, but I felt body aches all over my body this morning, so I had to cancel that...... Damn, it could have been interesting as I knew that there were going to be a few people I met from previous events would be there.

Instead, I went to church...... I don't know why, but it's almost as if I feel like I want/need to go out. I'm not really a church person, but I still felt like going, so I did it anyway.

I arrived there slightly so I sit at the back. Well, I have to say that there were a few attractive girls there. One of them, who might looked a bit overweight with coat on came in. She took off her coat, and damn, she had some great curve. Very good waist line, amazing butt. Her side book line was also looking great. [edited as per rule 4]

This got me thinking a little bit. Would I have gone out with the girl or the girls I saw in the church if I have seen them in the online dating apps/sites. Would I have even thought them attractive? I don't know, with so many different options available, and the disconnection from personal vibe/aura that can be felt in offline, I feel that it would not have been the case, and it gets me wondering about relationship, vibe, personality, feeling, and aura in general.

I also noticed that I am getting my heart weakening or more mellow with DMSI being on. I know that in the past, I was more mellow, more empathetic, weak hearted, and stuff like that. (Well, in the past, I had very difficult time passing a homeless person, and if I did I would have felt very bad for the entire day or two.) I feel that I am becoming more like that again. Perhaps, that's where my natural sexiness lies? I don't know.

How did I recognize weakening of hear/mellowing? Well there was animal rescue team/humane society that came in front of my APT. It was difficult to ignore the animals (the dogs had great temper/personality as well) and almost felt as if I had to stop, pet, talk more with animals and the people there, and even adopt the animals. However, I am not available to adopt any pets at the moment, so I just passed by. (I don't know I am now wondering if I could have just petted the animals and passed by..... But well, that feels like taking a chance away from potential adopters, who can have the interaction instead of I.)

At the same time, I am wondering if this is a side effect from skipping a day of DMSI. (I skipped last night, as I went to bed late, but wanted to get up early.) If all of these are part of resistances, then I feel that I have a very strong resistance, or I am just very resistant type.

I don't know I'm just mumbling here with what just happened so far.

Remember rule 4. 'I went to church' is fine, but expanding on some of the stuff you did like in the part I edited out is different.

(01-15-2017, 03:54 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Remember rule 4. 'I went to church' is fine, but expanding on some of the stuff you did like in the part I edited out is different.

Sry about that. Normally I don't talk about the stuff, so I didn't even think about that. I won't talk about it from now on. I just wanted to include that as I think it was showing what was going on in my head, and feelings I got which could be associated to DMSI. Nevertheless, I see that it could have caused further problem, and can be interpreted to go against rule 4.

Thank you for editing and letting me know about the issue.

(01-15-2017, 10:56 AM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-14-2017, 11:13 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]In my experience, that's generally how it goes. You have no idea the whole time, and that's what makes it fun for both of you. Just go with it. If girls are texting you you prolly look pretty good or at least can make good convo.

Proud of you man.

Thanks Sarge. I don't know if I'm good looking or can make a good conversation. I suppose I have a history of successes and failure with texting. I think I could have done more last week, but hey, I think I messed up some places. (So there were two girls in a study group, and the guy in the group thought that I was having a relationship with a girl, while he thought that I and the other girl liked each other...... I actually thought that one of the girls was attractive, and things might have gone well, but it changed quickly at one point.)

I also think that it's more to do with that girls can be rather comfortable with me. For instance, this girl was comfortable enough to ask me to help her move (unfortunately I woke up late and responded a bit late, and she no longer needed me to help her move.) My therapist thought that it was good that at least the girl was comfortable about me.

Oh well, I haven't received text since last night. (as I said her texting cycle is a bit weird, and the back and forth doesn't feel as smooth as I wan it to be.)

It happens, just keep learning and getting better.

Also, if I were you, I wouldn't help a girl move unless I was banging her, and even then, prolly not.

(01-15-2017, 09:27 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]It happens, just keep learning and getting better.

Also, if I were you, I wouldn't help a girl move unless I was banging her, and even then, prolly not.

Well, perhaps one thing you may need is drop the sex part. I don't know, just help a person out, whether the person's a guy or a girl. Something ironic I heard is that once a person drops obsession/association with sex things happen. Which is ironic in a certain sense as something comes to you when you don't care or want that anymore.

Anyway I offered to help her out as I didn't have any plan for that weekend, besides, as a person who's been living alone for a long period of time, I know that moving or stuff like that can be tough. Also, I was working on my social skills as well and I thought that offering someone help is a good way to make friend, or get social. Sadly, I sorta messed that up by waking up late.

(01-15-2017, 09:50 PM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]Well, perhaps one thing you may need is drop the sex part. I don't know, just help a person out, whether the person's a guy or a girl. Something ironic I heard is that once a person drops obsession/association with sex things happen. Which is ironic in a certain sense as something comes to you when you don't care or want that anymore.

I've heard that before, and I tried it, but it didn't work (in fact, for most of my life I didn't care about sex or getting it, and I'm still a virgin. hmmm.)

Also, it's important to note that i got my makeouts spoecifically because that's what i was after. I didn't "let things happen", I made it my goal and got it.

So yeah, I recognize that it prolly does work that way for some people, but it doesn't for me.

(01-15-2017, 09:50 PM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]Anyway I offered to help her out as I didn't have any plan for that weekend, besides, as a person who's been living alone for a long period of time, I know that moving or stuff like that can be tough. Also, I was working on my social skills as well and I thought that offering someone help is a good way to make friend, or get social. Sadly, I sorta messed that up by waking up late.

Fair enough, and to be honest, if you two started talking about living alone and stuff you'd prolly get to relate to her.

Also, I'm not saying helping women is the wrong thing to do, I'm just saying i wouldn't help a woman move. I'd prolly help her make dinner or something like that tho.

I guess I'm still doing the online dating thing. Seriously, this is something I'm not getting. It's obviously not working for me, and yet, I am keep doing it. I want to know what's keeping me to this.

I sent a few messages to OKC, which I did yesterday, and I also sent about two mails on Match. Interestingly, I find that Match's pool isn't all that greater, and apparently, girls put less effort in match than OKC. I can see it from the profile description. I find that this is ironic, as Match is much more expensive, and OKC can be used freely with limitations.

A few more things I find odd is that I got a few likes again, and two I thought I could see myself going on a date with, or sleeping with. (One of them, I wasn't sure.) Well, they visited me, and liked me, so I thought that they were going to respond me with something. Guess what? Nothing. I mean WHF?!? Okay, you put effort to visit me, and like me, and when I send you a very simple and brief message, you don't respond? (I know that they must have seen it, as they were online, when I sent the message.) Seriously, WTF is wrong with the people (I mean more specifically girls) on online dating?

I also think that something is wrong with my profile. It's creating views from some of the messages (I'd say that about 30~50% of the girls whom I sent to message to come and visit my profile. Yet no response, so something must be wrong with my profile.) As I said, I'll be waiting till next week to get this fixed, but this online dating thing seems too superficial and not workable for me. (And even I'm saying this, I have a feeling that I will be sticking to it until my subscription ends.... How ironic.)

Also I have another bad news. I haven't gotten any text from the girl, and this is around the time that she has been texting me. So now I assume that she was either being just polite, or just wanted to be friend with me. At the same time, I didn't ask her out on date, so I don't know she's not interested in me, but just wanted to be very polite. (Or I have sent messages that ignoring them would just blatantly make them feel the person bad?)

I don't know, I feel that I am making advances, but advances that don't feel like advances, but rather like proof that I'm so doomed to failure in this part of my life.

(01-15-2017, 10:03 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]I've heard that before, and I tried it, but it didn't work (in fact, for most of my life I didn't care about sex or getting it, and I'm still a virgin. hmmm.)

Also, it's important to note that i got my makeouts spoecifically because that's what i was after. I didn't "let things happen", I made it my goal and got it.

So yeah, I recognize that it prolly does work that way for some people, but it doesn't for me.

Of course, you should know what works best for you. It's very difficult to find what works and what doesn't. I also suppose that the successes with different methods would also depend on the target girl. So to me all of these seem quite complicated. (But I also think/feel that it shouldn't be a complicated matter.)

(01-15-2017, 10:03 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]Fair enough, and to be honest, if you two started talking about living alone and stuff you'd prolly get to relate to her.

Also, I'm not saying helping women is the wrong thing to do, I'm just saying i wouldn't help a woman move. I'd prolly help her make dinner or something like that tho.

I didn't clarify enough. The girl isn't living alone, she was and is living with roommates. I just know about difficulty moving as I lived in dorm for nearly 5 years (which requires moving every year or so), and I had about 3~4 major moving. (About twice was international moving). So I know that's difficult. Let's just say that because of my experience, I genuinely wanted to help despite whatever else. (And that I was also available.)

Besides, she got someone else to help her at the moment. I just know that it's usually helpful to have more people when moving to a new location. In the end, she didn't need me (or didn't want me), and that's how it went. And I didn't know, and still don't know whether I should like how it went or not. It feels a bit sad, and odd when nobody else needs my help even when I would like to offer. (Or those who want/need are requesting what I can't offer.) It doesn't feel all that bad, but it's difficult to describe what I felt like and what I feel like when stuff like this happens.

Again, I probably took things a little too much here, and may have given a little over the limit response to your post. I hope that I didn't make you feel bad or anything from my previous post. If I did, I'm sorry that it happened.

Expectations again. Slippery slope thinking. You are expecting irrational people to act rational. Don't. Women are for the most part not rational creatures. Keep trying different things and learn from your mistakes. That's how everyone makes it to success.

(01-16-2017, 07:49 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Expectations again. Slippery slope thinking. You are expecting irrational people to act rational. Don't. Women are for the most part not rational creatures. Keep trying different things and learn from your mistakes. That's how everyone makes it to success.

Seriously? That's an expectation? Thinking/expecting that a person who put efforts to look into my profile and like to respond back to me after I send the message is an expectation? And that I am not to have that expectation? Honestly though, I thought that wasn't an expectation, but a standard human behavior, and being called normal and being nice. Fine, you could have not read it, and could have been busy, but when you are online, you are getting the message. (BTW, there is a feature that allows me to know that they have read the message.) Not replying back after getting the message when you have expressed in the interest to the person just seems and feels wrong, and definitely disrespectful. And having that, or thinking that is an expectation I am having?

Jeez man, if I can't even have any expectation, why should I do any of these stuff? Why bother doing all this, when I am going for zero in return? And is it even much to expect that somebody who showed interest in me to reply back to a very simple and short message? (I didn't even craft it a long and detailed message.) Seriously, it's not an expectation I am having, it's a respect I have for myself, and I honestly felt in a way that you were asking me to drop that self respect I have for myself. And I am not going to do that, and I am not going to drop that for the sake of getting a girl or whatever.

Basically, what you have just told me seems whole a lot more discouraging. Based on what you just wrote, I should just give up all the things I'm doing regarding with DMSI, because I shouldn't expect anything, nothing happens. Learn from mistakes? If nothing ever happens, what the hell am I supposed to learn? Oh BTW, I've change tactics, and tried quite a bit of different things except the changing of profile. So yeah, I suppose that can be a mistake to be fixed. But honestly, I'm not even sure why the hell I should even bother doing that, because I can't have an expectation that it will do something. Besides, I know that it's not gonna do anything, and I am just curious why the hell I am still doing this when I have an expectation that it's not gonna do anything.

Yeah then why did I even pay money, effort and time in doing any of the stuff? Because I expect and hope that there is going to be a noticeable advancements. Fine, I gave up on noticeable advancements, and try to hold on to blind faith that I am advancing. (But when faced with so many discouraging stuff, I can't continue doing this for much longer.) Now, I am to not even have an expectation of decency and normalcy? Seriously, I am having a feeling that it's almost like I shouldn't even have any standards and just go for whatever and be content with whatever that's thrown at me. (Whether it's garbage or not.)

I am not going to hold that low for myself, and the reason that I have invested in the stuff (DMSI, online dating or whatever) is that I deserve and I should expect that stuff should happen. Fine it could be that I didn't put enough. But I am not going to lower my standards or not have any standards.

If it is rational to expect or think that I should hear back after I sent a message to those who have shown interest (especially after they read the message, while they were online), and that I can't even expect this from women because they are not rational, then I am just not going to be able to be in a relationship with women. It's plain and simple. But honestly though, I'm not even buying that this is rational, I think it's normal, and it's about decency, and it's about respect.

Thanks for letting me know that I can't expect any single thing, and thanks for letting me know that I wouldn't be able to stand being in a relationship with a woman. (Or a person)