Subliminal Talk

Deleted Bumble account, Tinder, I can't even delete it, as I don't have Facebook anymore. Tempted to delete OKC and even Match, it's just that they are too expensive to delete them easily. But it is probably a wise idea to delete them as to protect my privacy further.

In the end, it feels like I wasted so much money already on something useless.

I went to a social stuff today, and here is the worst part of it. Whenever I go to stuff like that and come back, I always come home feeling discouraged. No excitement, energy drained, time wasted, nothing really fun or anything interesting or encouraging to continue myself to work on the issue, getting myself out there in the social scene. Whenever I go and come back, I always feel what a wasted money, and what a wasted time.

Right now, I am having a total regret in purchasing the subliminal weapons as I am not going to be using them anytime soon (if ever), and I am also regretting that I wasted so much on trying to get on online dating stuff. I feel that I should have spent it on PS4 Pro instead. At least, I could have gotten a game or two with it, spent time enjoying stuff, think and reflect something from there and create a new idea. (Which I usually do from playing a good game, which I can and have used for my academics in many cases.) Or I could have visited more museums and have enjoyed the experiences instead of all the wasted time I spent on working on the useless stuff.

People will tell me I am wrong, and I have already heard that. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't care. 99% of the time I try to get social, or try to improve my game or social stuff. I always experience negative stuff (scammers, nearly being mobbed, spending too much mental and emotional energy, and etc.), and 0 positive. And even if there were any positives, that negative is too much that it masks positive (if there is any positives) and I can't see any of the positive.

The scam/catfishing experience, and all the negativity just reminds me of how naive I am, and how gullible I can be. A wishful think that I will develop an aura that will make things easier. Wishful thinking that I can somehow change this situation. With enough practices I'll get good at it and enjoy it. Doesn't feel like that this is the case. The more I do it, the more I am becoming certain that it will remain the same, and not change.

When I am only filled with negative emotions and negative feedback I experience, I can't sustain this much longer, and the more I do it, the less the motivation remains, and starts to even turn the other way around.

Good luck to you guys who are continuing the stuff. I don't think I will continue with this much further. If I stick with subs, I think I am more likely to switch to US/luck magnet, but I am not even sure if I am going to use any subs anytime soon. Even if I do, I think this time, I will probably not keep a journal, and will just let it play and totally forget about it.

Thank you for those who have read this journal, and I apologize to deliver rather a sad news.

It's your life man. Do what you want.

I will say this though: when I got my first makeout I didn't think I'd be able to do it either. No way in hell was I gonna get it. But I did. Sometimes you just gotta act even when you think it won't work.

But, like I said, do what you want.

I haven't been following your journal that closely but have you been out and around girls in person recently?

I don't think DMSI is focused on creating long distance results, but more focused on making solid results within short distance. I think you should tell Shannon ways to improve the long distance effects so that the next one can be even better and yield better results for you.

So you're quitting just like that?

You tried to go to a social outing. You were expecting way too much. This is why you were left severely disappointed. It takes time to become good at conversation and a social person.

I probably had it the worst of everyone. I had to force myself to get out there and speak to girls. Things eventually turned around. Like I said, it takes time, and also a positive outlook and most importantly belief in oneself. If you don't have any of that, nothing will change for you.

(01-06-2017, 09:15 PM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]Deleted Bumble account, Tinder, I can't even delete it, as I don't have Facebook anymore. Tempted to delete OKC and even Match, it's just that they are too expensive to delete them easily. But it is probably a wise idea to delete them as to protect my privacy further.

In the end, it feels like I wasted so much money already on something useless.

I went to a social stuff today, and here is the worst part of it. Whenever I go to stuff like that and come back, I always come home feeling discouraged. No excitement, energy drained, time wasted, nothing really fun or anything interesting or encouraging to continue myself to work on the issue, getting myself out there in the social scene. Whenever I go and come back, I always feel what a wasted money, and what a wasted time.

Right now, I am having a total regret in purchasing the subliminal weapons as I am not going to be using them anytime soon (if ever), and I am also regretting that I wasted so much on trying to get on online dating stuff. I feel that I should have spent it on PS4 Pro instead. At least, I could have gotten a game or two with it, spent time enjoying stuff, think and reflect something from there and create a new idea. (Which I usually do from playing a good game, which I can and have used for my academics in many cases.) Or I could have visited more museums and have enjoyed the experiences instead of all the wasted time I spent on working on the useless stuff.

People will tell me I am wrong, and I have already heard that. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't care. 99% of the time I try to get social, or try to improve my game or social stuff. I always experience negative stuff (scammers, nearly being mobbed, spending too much mental and emotional energy, and etc.), and 0 positive. And even if there were any positives, that negative is too much that it masks positive (if there is any positives) and I can't see any of the positive.

The scam/catfishing experience, and all the negativity just reminds me of how naive I am, and how gullible I can be. A wishful think that I will develop an aura that will make things easier. Wishful thinking that I can somehow change this situation. With enough practices I'll get good at it and enjoy it. Doesn't feel like that this is the case. The more I do it, the more I am becoming certain that it will remain the same, and not change.

When I am only filled with negative emotions and negative feedback I experience, I can't sustain this much longer, and the more I do it, the less the motivation remains, and starts to even turn the other way around.

Good luck to you guys who are continuing the stuff. I don't think I will continue with this much further. If I stick with subs, I think I am more likely to switch to US/luck magnet, but I am not even sure if I am going to use any subs anytime soon. Even if I do, I think this time, I will probably not keep a journal, and will just let it play and totally forget about it.

Thank you for those who have read this journal, and I apologize to deliver rather a sad news.

Dude, that sounds almost like my post yesterday. With all the hopelessness. But there are chances this hopelessness is part of healing or resistance. Just think about it. But at the end the decision is up to you.

Before finally closing everything down, I decided to take one last look at the journal. Last post seemed a bit too bitter, so I just felt like I needed to add one more stuff to make it less sound bitter. But I don't know if I can do that.

Today was a day I was actually forced to take a long break. It snowed a lot outside (not a lot compared to the regions I have been previously), and when it snows here, it becomes chaotic that I don't feel safe to go out. (People seriously don't know how to drive around here when it's snowy). Played Hacknet, binge watched Humans, followed CES a little bit. Then I re-visited my journal.

One thing I realized from re reading stuff is that this mode of communication (online forum) isn't helping me at all. People read stuff, and my message doesn't get communicated clearly. Even when I thought that I clarified stuff, the message doesn't get across as I intended, or people interpret it differently from what I wanted to convey.

Also the fact that people have to judge me and I have to judge and imagine what they are like through only very limited information (what they put on the forum) is also contributing to the miscommunication to a point that it is rather detrimental. This is one of the issues that I have lately been feeling and have clearly seen from my re-visiting the journal.

Am I going to just call it quits? I am not going to say what I am going to do. Well, before I made my decision to quit, I paid all the stuff for the social stuff that I am bound to do it. (Good job putting myself to excruciating torture.) But am I going to put in the effort, have a positive outlook and anything? No. (As I know that it simply isn't efficient to put effort and have any optimism. Besides it's a better mechanism to do it other way around.) I'm just going to go there as I paid the stuff (no refund possible), trying to reduce the intensity of mental torture I put myself through. I just hope that this will not cause a havoc in my academic achievement in the future, and will be less torturous than my experiences so far.

But let me make this clear. I am not going to update the journal from now on, unless when there is a significantly positive outcome.

You are exhibiting a type of resistance I see my girlfriend indulging in a lot, and it's based in fear. It goes like this:

1. Fear X.
2. Avoid X.
3. When X becomes necessary or is pushed forward, respond with unrealistic expectations that are too polar in positive direction.
4. When expectations fail to be met, respond with unrealistic responses that are too polar in the negative direction.

You are basically setting yourself up to fail and thereby have "reasons" for your avoidance and fears by approaching the whole thing in such a polar way. Expectations...

I learned, back when I used to do this very same thing, that life is much more enjoyable, and successful, if I just let go of expectations, and do my thing. Okay, so you got scammed. Lesson: there are scammers out there, and you have to be vigilant. But that doesn't mean online dating automatically becomes a fail. It means you have to know what to look for and what to ask.

The goals of DMSI are what they are. DMSI needs, in this version, to be within sight of a person to affect them.

So you went out to a social event, and nothing. And you came home even more discouraged.

Again... out of fear, your afraid part is seeking to polarize the experience so you consciously will give up and not have to deal with what you fear.

Doing that leads to, guess what?

What you have.

Knowing what you are doing, which I am trying to show you, will give you the ammunition to change your patterns and therefore what you experience and what you have.

Giving up at the first sign of a challenge is how you fail. "Failure is the path of least persistence."

Growing past fears and stagnation can be a scary thing. So do it in small, easily manageable steps.

Instead of going out expecting to land a date and have sex, go out with the simple expectation that... "I'm going to this event, and I'm going to enjoy the fact that I went to this event instead of hiding in my room. And if anything else happens, it will be a pleasant surprise."

Here's another example.

Person A expects 10 units to arrive in a shipment, and Person B expects that the shipment may or may not arrive.

The shipment arrives, but has 5 units. Person A is disappointed and upset. Person B is happy. What's the difference? Their expectations.

Accept what is, and then work to make it what you want it to be. But let go of expectations that can lead to disappointments, because they usually do.

And don't quit. Just be more tranquil and understanding with yourself, and take smaller steps to your goal.

(01-08-2017, 12:14 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You are exhibiting a type of resistance I see my girlfriend indulging in a lot, and it's based in fear. It goes like this:

1. Fear X.
2. Avoid X.
3. When X becomes necessary or is pushed forward, respond with unrealistic expectations that are too polar in positive direction.
4. When expectations fail to be met, respond with unrealistic responses that are too polar in the negative direction.

You are basically setting yourself up to fail and thereby have "reasons" for your avoidance and fears by approaching the whole thing in such a polar way. Expectations...

I learned, back when I used to do this very same thing, that life is much more enjoyable, and successful, if I just let go of expectations, and do my thing. Okay, so you got scammed. Lesson: there are scammers out there, and you have to be vigilant. But that doesn't mean online dating automatically becomes a fail. It means you have to know what to look for and what to ask.

The goals of DMSI are what they are. DMSI needs, in this version, to be within sight of a person to affect them.

So you went out to a social event, and nothing. And you came home even more discouraged.

Again... out of fear, your afraid part is seeking to polarize the experience so you consciously will give up and not have to deal with what you fear.

Doing that leads to, guess what?

What you have.

Knowing what you are doing, which I am trying to show you, will give you the ammunition to change your patterns and therefore what you experience and what you have.

Giving up at the first sign of a challenge is how you fail. "Failure is the path of least persistence."

Growing past fears and stagnation can be a scary thing. So do it in small, easily manageable steps.

Instead of going out expecting to land a date and have sex, go out with the simple expectation that... "I'm going to this event, and I'm going to enjoy the fact that I went to this event instead of hiding in my room. And if anything else happens, it will be a pleasant surprise."

Here's another example.

Person A expects 10 units to arrive in a shipment, and Person B expects that the shipment may or may not arrive.

The shipment arrives, but has 5 units. Person A is disappointed and upset. Person B is happy. What's the difference? Their expectations.

Accept what is, and then work to make it what you want it to be. But let go of expectations that can lead to disappointments, because they usually do.

And don't quit. Just be more tranquil and understanding with yourself, and take smaller steps to your goal.

I don't know what I am doing here. Even when I said that I am done, I still came. Oh man, I have no clue what the hell's going on.

Shannon, you said it's fear. Fear maybe, but that is too crude of an emotion to describe what I felt and thought. I think more correct description would be resentment, and perhaps sadness.

Everyone thinks that I felt that way because I didn't get dates or sex. Perhaps 10% true, but 90% no. Right now I don't really care about online dating, and for the social situation, I didn't even bother about getting a date or sex. For the online dating stuff, I got 0 matches (Tinder and Bumble, which I can't even check now as I can't even access the accounts thanks to the scammer, who forced that I deactivated the Facebook), and I don't know if it would be a too much of an expectation to hope for getting 1 swipe right. (Which I didn't get at least the last time I checked.)

When it comes to social gathering, I only hope to feel not so alienated in the gathering, and not feel not belonging there, even a little bit. Sadly that hasn't come for several hundreds or thousands of times. (I am counting class experiences as part of it.)

Anyway, fuck what I said last two posts. I suppose I will continue come and write stuff here. But know this, I will very likely to go back to what I was like for the last few posts. If you can't handle that, I suggest unsubscribing the journal.

Well, that would mean that I am going to be back on DMSI 3.0.1 A, and will probably have much lamenting to come.......

Anyway, I have been somewhat productive today. Finished Hacknet (damn, hacking was quite fun. now I want to actually learn how to do that. although I know that the real thing would be much more difficult) sent a few emails to a few institutions for asking advice on the next step after my master's.

Also, I got a few visits and likes on OKC. It's difficult to tell whether they are real or not (based on my experience), and they are much more local than the scammer at least. Sadly most girls are not attractive. (I hate say this, but they have to be minimum certain level of attractiveness for me to at least consider. Now I feel so shallow and feels weird to whine after saying this.) But there was one girl who liked me that I was a bit hesitant to contact. The girl's size seemed a bit large on the photo, but she said that she's working to get back to her competitive swimmer body (she claims to be competitive swimmer since her childhood.) Let's hope that her pics are a bit old, or her swimming will make her body hotter. The girl's match with me, according to OKC, is over 90%, and she's a phD student. (For me intelligence of a girl is very important, and this one would more likely to have it.) Logistics wise she may be a bit too far from my taste (1~2 hours drive, and I was hoping for within 30min radius) as I don't have a car, but she does. So who knows it may work out.

I ended up sending her a brief message, asking about her study to start a conversation. (This time, I didn't think about anything, didn't really set up anything, and just wanted to do normal stuff. Didn't want to escalate things too early either.) I am not gonna care if I get a reply or not, but just wanted to share that I did, and just maybe, this isn't all crap.

As I mentioned, I am going to be probably be in very up and down mode for several times. Lamenting a lot, and may get excited a lot too.

I have no damn clue what's going on, and I don't know what to feel and think about coming back here and reversing on what I just said I was going to do, but here I am, shamed, confused, and feeling squirmed. Oh, man I gotta sleep now.

If you aren't good in social situations, like how I was and in many ways still am today, you need to try cold approach pick up. This is the avenue where I get the most girls.

Don't worry about it man. This is a tough journey, no doubt about it.

If it helps you put things in perspective, just know that I had only matched with fat girls too. In fact, I didn't get contacted by attractive women for years.

It'll sound weird but it's almost magic how the more you improve, the better women will be for you. You'll see.

Just make improving socially and improving looks you're #1 priority. Women will come on their own.

Also, just like the sun sets in the west, you gotta know that most women will want/need you to contact them. It's just the way they work. So don't take it personally if they aren't contacting you. Most won't, even if they are interested.

(01-08-2017, 10:16 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]Don't worry about it man. This is a tough journey, no doubt about it.

If it helps you put things in perspective, just know that I had only matched with fat girls too. In fact, I didn't get contacted by attractive women for years.

It'll sound weird but it's almost magic how the more you improve, the better women will be for you. You'll see.

Just make improving socially and improving looks you're #1 priority. Women will come on their own.

Also, just like the sun sets in the west, you gotta know that most women will want/need you to contact them. It's just the way they work. So don't take it personally if they aren't contacting you. Most won't, even if they are interested.

I only wanted to mention about the girls online just as a statement. Not really about resentment or anything. Well, I got a reply from that PhD student, and so far I have to say she seems real enough. (I'm not going to finalize that decision until I meet her in person a few times though.) This definitely seem like an improvement than the previous ones. (Bunch of flaking or scammers contacting first.)

I replied to her, and asked for what her schedule is like. Maybe asking out too soon, but if no reply, then so be it.

(01-09-2017, 08:05 AM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-08-2017, 10:16 PM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]Don't worry about it man. This is a tough journey, no doubt about it.

If it helps you put things in perspective, just know that I had only matched with fat girls too. In fact, I didn't get contacted by attractive women for years.

It'll sound weird but it's almost magic how the more you improve, the better women will be for you. You'll see.

Just make improving socially and improving looks you're #1 priority. Women will come on their own.

Also, just like the sun sets in the west, you gotta know that most women will want/need you to contact them. It's just the way they work. So don't take it personally if they aren't contacting you. Most won't, even if they are interested.

I only wanted to mention about the girls online just as a statement. Not really about resentment or anything. Well, I got a reply from that PhD student, and so far I have to say she seems real enough. (I'm not going to finalize that decision until I meet her in person a few times though.) This definitely seem like an improvement than the previous ones. (Bunch of flaking or scammers contacting first.)

I replied to her, and asked for what her schedule is like. Maybe asking out too soon, but if no reply, then so be it.

Sounds like you're making progress man.

(01-09-2017, 09:51 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]Sounds like you're making progress man.

Hopefully I am. Well, I got a reply from the girl, and she is willing to meet this week/weekend. I replied with the times that work for me, so who knows how it's going to work. I also did some research and found out the girl. (She has been careful at hiding her info, but hey, I can be quite good at finding out about people.) As far as I am aware she's legit. But is she attractive enough for me to be in a relationship? That will need to be seen once I meet this person. (I'm on the verge on her looks......) Also logistics can be a problem as well......

I am trying not to have any expectations, but I am noticing that it is quite hard for some reason. I'm still going to try though.

Well, I will see how things will be going.

(01-09-2017, 02:58 PM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-09-2017, 09:51 AM)SargeMaximus Wrote: [ -> ]Sounds like you're making progress man.

Hopefully I am. Well, I got a reply from the girl, and she is willing to meet this week/weekend. I replied with the times that work for me, so who knows how it's going to work. I also did some research and found out the girl. (She has been careful at hiding her info, but hey, I can be quite good at finding out about people.) As far as I am aware she's legit. But is she attractive enough for me to be in a relationship? That will need to be seen once I meet this person. (I'm on the verge on her looks......) Also logistics can be a problem as well......

I am trying not to have any expectations, but I am noticing that it is quite hard for some reason. I'm still going to try though.

Well, I will see how things will be going.

The fact that she's willing to meet is great! I hope you are proud of yourself for that.

As for the date, no expectations is great. Just go out, talk with her a bit, try to find common topics, let her do most of the talking.

Good luck man.