To elaborate, I am coming to the conclusion that the insecurity I'm feeling is because of a disconnect between that which in not, and that which I used to be.
The missing link is identifying who I am right here right now. This is a revisit to the earlier days of 3.1 where I was feeling that I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm NOT a natural alpha. There's a lot I don't align with as far as being a natural alpha. I'm referring primarily to the ESTJ personality type, which I see from my perspective as that which I'm not.
I am also not a beta anymore, which is that which I am not ANYMORE. So who am I now? I'm not an alpha and I'm not a beta. So who the fuq am I? Well, consciously, I know I'm [eternity]. Subconsciously, I am at a loss, trying to figure out where I fit in, in this world.
It's a weird feeling.
(04-08-2017, 01:47 PM)eternity Wrote: [ -> ]To elaborate, I am coming to the conclusion that the insecurity I'm feeling is because of a disconnect between that which in not, and that which I used to be.
The missing link is identifying who I am right here right now. This is a revisit to the earlier days of 3.1 where I was feeling that I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm NOT a natural alpha. There's a lot I don't align with as far as being a natural alpha. I'm referring primarily to the ESTJ personality type, which I see from my perspective as that which I'm not.
I am also not a beta anymore, which is that which I am not ANYMORE. So who am I now? I'm not an alpha and I'm not a beta. So who the fuq am I? Well, consciously, I know I'm [eternity]. Subconsciously, I am at a loss, trying to figure out where I fit in, in this world.
It's a weird feeling.
Do you see ESTJ as a "natural alpha?" If so, what about that personality jumps out at you such, and why don't you feel "aligned" with those?
(04-08-2017, 01:47 PM)eternity Wrote: [ -> ]To elaborate, I am coming to the conclusion that the insecurity I'm feeling is because of a disconnect between that which in not, and that which I used to be.
The missing link is identifying who I am right here right now. This is a revisit to the earlier days of 3.1 where I was feeling that I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm NOT a natural alpha. There's a lot I don't align with as far as being a natural alpha. I'm referring primarily to the ESTJ personality type, which I see from my perspective as that which I'm not.
I am also not a beta anymore, which is that which I am not ANYMORE. So who am I now? I'm not an alpha and I'm not a beta. So who the fuq am I? Well, consciously, I know I'm [eternity]. Subconsciously, I am at a loss, trying to figure out where I fit in, in this world.
It's a weird feeling.
You are you, E. At the end of the day, that's all that really matters. Not some model of what an Alpha or Beta is supposed to be. As long as you're happy with who you are, and you don't do things that conflict with your beliefs, that's all that matters.
And at the end of the day, I think that being comfortable in your own skin and with your beliefs, is the only Alpha you need to be.
Be your own leader, not someone else's follower...
ESTJ, from the few people I know who ARE ESTJ, are definitely natural alpha. One is a woman and two of them are men. They have booming, commander voices, very funny, and are very conscious of the social dynamic, ensuring those in their "pack" are taken care of. I have lived with all 3 at various times in my life, and the pattern is pretty evident. I'm at the anime convention with one of the ESTJ's. His natural alpha style is what made me feel insecure just an hour ago. He is a great leader and makes sure to check and see that all of us are taken care of.
Anyway, I recognize when I'm in a feeling of fear and/or lack. The truth is every personality type has something to offer in this world. I'm an ENFP. My specialty is being a ray of sunshine. So I just high fived random people and watched as their expressions changed. Since the time I posted my last post and now, I high fived over 100 people and most of them smiled. Only one older lady rejected me because she was an azn mom who was probably culturally disinclined to engage in physical contact with a man outside of her marriage.
My insecurity is completely gone now. I felt like shit for not being something that I'm not. How does that even make sense? It doesn't. But it's a very common theme among folks, and I'm reporting what I feel and what I'm going through.
Thanks duke for your reassuring statements. I do appreciate it! The actions that I took to get over the emotion is directly in alignment with what you said. And you're 100% right
E, I said what I said in my post above because you are one of the most alpha guys I know. That's not an opinion either, it's a fact.
For you to have made the turn-around in your life that you made from 4 years ago to now, is more than so many others that I know.
One of my closest friends was so hooked on coke and heroin, nothing, not even the fact that he had a beautiful 2 year old son, could have saved him.
And not only did you make that turn in your life, but you also contribute back to your community, you contribute here, and you are doing everything to continue to excel yourself.
Our Maestro makes these amazing tools, there is no question about his contributions to our development. But, you make the choice to make yourself better. You took that action.
So, you are absolutely an Alpha.
And I am grateful for your contributions to our community.
Thanks duke, that is some awesome words of encouragement. I much appreciate it.
**
The weekend went stellar. The anti sniper fired twice. The most notable was that I was quite actually repelling a girl. She was good looking, but her attitude was nauseating. She was entitled, and brings no value to the table, and I was curious why the hell the former me would have been wanting her attention. I was actually pretty mean to her this weekend, and that behavior is out of character for me.
I did, however, snipe the shit out of this less attractive woman. Her personality and mine meshed perfectly. She was one of the volunteer coordinators, and I could tell from the first interaction with her that she was attracted. It was kind of cute, actually. She was assigning roles to my buddies and I. When she got to assigning me, she took her sweet time explaining things, explained stuff that was irrelevant, just to continue talking to me. My buddies gave me a teasing face. Lol.
Other than that, the programming is starting to settle in. The inner conflict is beginning to subside. So I think I'll stay on B for a while longer.
I just want to say one thing tho. Don't take the emotional shield on version A for granted. I miss it....
(04-08-2017, 03:21 PM)eternity Wrote: [ -> ]ESTJ, from the few people I know who ARE ESTJ, are definitely natural alpha. One is a woman and two of them are men. They have booming, commander voices, very funny, and are very conscious of the social dynamic, ensuring those in their "pack" are taken care of. I have lived with all 3 at various times in my life, and the pattern is pretty evident. I'm at the anime convention with one of the ESTJ's. His natural alpha style is what made me feel insecure just an hour ago. He is a great leader and makes sure to check and see that all of us are taken care of.
Here's my opinion about ESTJs. My best friend and girlfriend are ESTJs. So this is only based on two people I know. It is true that they look alpha, and all of your description is correct, but it's only appearance. Once you get to know their insecurities, you'll have a totally different view
They're suckers for attention, hold grudges, have a need to seek revenge with their own hands, and they can't stand their own jokes done on them... They are know-it-alls, do not make mistakes, and have the need to be right all the time... Again, this is based off two people, but it's amazing how similar they are in these aspects. You still see them as alpha?
(04-10-2017, 04:57 AM)Blink Wrote: [ -> ]Here's my opinion about ESTJs. My best friend and girlfriend are ESTJs. So this is only based on two people I know. It is true that they look alpha, and all of your description is correct, but it's only appearance. Once you get to know their insecurities, you'll have a totally different view They're suckers for attention, hold grudges, have a need to seek revenge with their own hands, and they can't stand their own jokes done on them... They are know-it-alls, do not make mistakes, and have the need to be right all the time... Again, this is based off two people, but it's amazing how similar they are in these aspects. You still see them as alpha?
Sounds like many of the negative traits of people born between October 23rd and November 21st...
Umm. So. Whatever is in this US/LM..... yeah I'll take another dose of that please. Lol. Success is mine.
Also, a hot girl held the door open for me today and blushed while doing so. Hahaha. This reality bending is shifting me tremendously. But my head is hurting really bad so I think there's a bit of turbulence
(04-10-2017, 04:57 AM)Blink Wrote: [ -> ] (04-08-2017, 03:21 PM)eternity Wrote: [ -> ]ESTJ, from the few people I know who ARE ESTJ, are definitely natural alpha. One is a woman and two of them are men. They have booming, commander voices, very funny, and are very conscious of the social dynamic, ensuring those in their "pack" are taken care of. I have lived with all 3 at various times in my life, and the pattern is pretty evident. I'm at the anime convention with one of the ESTJ's. His natural alpha style is what made me feel insecure just an hour ago. He is a great leader and makes sure to check and see that all of us are taken care of.
Here's my opinion about ESTJs. My best friend and girlfriend are ESTJs. So this is only based on two people I know. It is true that they look alpha, and all of your description is correct, but it's only appearance. Once you get to know their insecurities, you'll have a totally different view They're suckers for attention, hold grudges, have a need to seek revenge with their own hands, and they can't stand their own jokes done on them... They are know-it-alls, do not make mistakes, and have the need to be right all the time... Again, this is based off two people, but it's amazing how similar they are in these aspects. You still see them as alpha?
Here's the thing man, everyone has insecurities. The only difference is how those insecurities manifest in behavior. My point still remains that they have natural alpha tendencies, whether or not they are based out of insecurity
Interestingly enough, I jumped to conclusions on that guy who I was talking about in my preivous post. I had him take the MBTI test, and it turns out he is actually an ENTJ. So I was REALLY close, but my assumption was based on incomplete truths. However, he's still pretty damn alpha 1.0 (according to blackdragon's description of alpha 1.0).
*****
I listened to 3 loops yesterday night. I've had a massive headache all day, which I am attributing to shifting reality timelines at a very rapid pace. I'm pretty sure I'm in script acceptance mode because of what I've been feeling over the past 24 hours.
I'm feeling a pull to start MHS on May 13 -- with a 21 day break after dimsee. So if I do end up going that route, I'll be bringing dimsee to a close here in the next week and a half, so i can squeeze in a month or more of MHS. My body is craving some physical healing.
I listened to one loop last night.
The dynamic between myself and L has become interesting. I went over to drop something off at her house since i was on her side of town... and since she lives an hour away from me, she asked me to stay the night. We've already discussed that getting intimate would be damaging to our friendship, and we're both on the same page consciously. So, we slept next to each other, and didn't have sex. Cool. Weirdly enough, the attraction between us was stronger and more profound than it ever had been, but in a pure 100% blissed out love kind of way. It wasn't sexual attraction, rather a deep soul level attraction. We ended up cuddling, kissed each other on the cheek/head.. but that was the furthest it went, and we both consciously held back. I'm actually 100% okay with this dynamic, believe it or not.
Am I open for it to change? Yes, for sure. But am I going to try to control the situation to make it so? No, not at all.
In fact, I jumped back into the 12 steps yesterday, before going to L's house, and where I'm at now is to really understand that whenever I step back and let life unfold the way it is meant to, things get so much easier. The process of steps 4 through 11 is to remove that which is holding me back from achieving my true potential. I liken the steps 4-11 to clearing/garbage removal in subs, because that is truly what it is. Doing a proper step 3 has allowed me to be in a state of mind that if I let go of trying to control the outcome of what happens in my life, I've effectively moved out of the way for the sub to do its job. This state of being led to that full blissed out love experience, which is the euphoria tags kicking on indicating 100% script acceptance. NICE. So I found that doing the 12 steps again is a conscious way to remove any subC resistance as well as engaging the conscious to get out of the way and allow the sub to integrate its instructions.
(04-11-2017, 01:47 PM)eternity Wrote: [ -> ]Here's the thing man, everyone has insecurities. The only difference is how those insecurities manifest in behavior. My point still remains that they have natural alpha tendencies, whether or not they are based out of insecurity
Interestingly enough, I jumped to conclusions on that guy who I was talking about in my preivous post. I had him take the MBTI test, and it turns out he is actually an ENTJ. So I was REALLY close, but my assumption was based on incomplete truths. However, he's still pretty damn alpha 1.0 (according to blackdragon's description of alpha 1.0).
You're right! Some types have it easier coming off as alpha. Who am I to put them down because of their insecurities? (:
Found
this article. Not sure how accurate it is, but it says ENTJs have more potential than ENFPs and ESTJs at being alpha. That might be why you felt the way you did. Having said that, we all got potential! It's just about how we develop ourselves
(04-12-2017, 10:51 AM)Blink Wrote: [ -> ] (04-11-2017, 01:47 PM)eternity Wrote: [ -> ]Here's the thing man, everyone has insecurities. The only difference is how those insecurities manifest in behavior. My point still remains that they have natural alpha tendencies, whether or not they are based out of insecurity
Interestingly enough, I jumped to conclusions on that guy who I was talking about in my preivous post. I had him take the MBTI test, and it turns out he is actually an ENTJ. So I was REALLY close, but my assumption was based on incomplete truths. However, he's still pretty damn alpha 1.0 (according to blackdragon's description of alpha 1.0).
You're right! Some types have it easier coming off as alpha. Who am I to put them down because of their insecurities? (:
Found this article. Not sure how accurate it is, but it says ENTJs have more potential than ENFPs and ESTJs at being alpha. That might be why you felt the way you did. Having said that, we all got potential! It's just about how we develop ourselves
That was an interesting link. I'm an INTJ and it was interesting to read about how my personality type works in seduction, or in my personalities case, doesn't...
Thank god for DMSI...
I'm pretty sure L is trying to set me up with AFF. They worked out together on Monday and the sequence of events that played out has been far too coincidental. I wonder if that module made it into 3.1, where women introduce you to others who fit the criteria of dimsee.
I'm getting an apartment with L in the next 30 days, in the same neighborhood that AFF lives in. L told AFF the entire ordeal about L and I getting a place together. L also made sure to put any suspicions to rest by telling AFF "everyone thinks eternity and I are dating, but we're not. We are just best friends". L told me she said that, and felt like shit for lying through her teeth. L knows AFF and I would be a great match. I KNOW she's trying to set us up together. Talk about wild...
AFF is also an ENFP. We share much the same traits, and interests. AFF is also making it very clear that she's trying to seduce me (In the best way a female ENFP can). She invited me to go to Florida for a convention. I told her I'm saving up for an apartment, and she was like "I'll pitch in for you if you need!" Her and I are also going to start some gurdjieff teachings starting next week.
So the dynamic is gonna be interesting. Living with a woman I have been intimate with, who is setting me up with another woman? And all I have to do is simply be?
Y u gotta do htis, dimsee? -_-